[One Piece][Gen] FML
Title: FML
Fandom: One Piece
Pairings: Gen, really, although there's a Zoro/Sanji sequel.
Genre: Humour
Word count: ~1,500
Spoilers: Light spoilers for what happened to Sanji post Whitebeard War, allusions to Thriller Bark.
Warnings: Mockery of Sanji's pain?
Notes: Wrote this a few weeks ago, but decided it needed a little cleaning up before posting. Inspired by recent chapters of OP and the hilarity of Sanji's ordeal. Now with sequel.
Summary: Sanji never, ever wanted to see Emporio Ivankov ever again, but apparently some higher power is out to get him.
Sanji isn’t really a big believer in God or anything like that, especially not after the whole thing with Enel, but he is pretty sure that someone, somewhere, has it out for him. All he can think is that he must’ve done something really shitty about two years ago, because one day he was pretty happy with his life, and the next he had been plunged into a world of suffering that just never stopped.
Maybe they really had pissed off the sea gods by opening that sake barrel, entirely aside from it being Thriller Bark’s trap. They’d never replaced it, after all, and certainly if Sanji were to pinpoint the moment where everything had gone to shit, Thriller Bark would probably be it.
On the other hand, maybe it was bad karma from not being able to stop the stupid marimo from his attempt at nobly sacrificing himself, never mind that Sanji had tried. It would just figure if the stupid asshole were to blame for everything wrong with Sanji’s life.
Anyway, back to Sanji’s life sucking. To whit: his dreams of one day finding the fruit of invisibility had been crushed by Pervsalom; the resident moron had decided to discover a new career in martyrdom, making Sanji feel weak and helpless, both of which he hated; Sabaody had just been a clusterfuck all round, and had ended up in him being separated from his crew, in particular from his beloved Nami-san and Robin-chan; and that’s where things really got intolerable. On an island of drag queens, stuffed in a dress, finding out his captain needed help and being too far away to do anything, and then… Ivankov. There were no words to describe his torment at the hands of that incarnation of utter darkness. Sanji had spent two years in his own personal tailor-designed hell.
And now, now that he’d finally escaped and lived to the day when he finally saw real women again, now when he thought his ordeal was finally over, the one thing he had dreaded more than anything else and prayed desperately to avoid has come to pass.
“Iva-chan!” Luffy yells, flinging himself off like a rocket launcher, and Sanji feels the chill of horror go down his spine.
No. No no no no NO. Not that. Anything but that.
“Strawhat-boy!” Sanji’s worst nightmare carols back, toothy grin filling the ridiculously large and makeup caked face. “Vat a pleasant surprisable!”
Sanji shudders, wondering if he has time to find a place to hide, but it’s already too late. He’s been spotted. He’s screwed.
“BALLERINA-BOY! So vou found vour crew, then!”
Sanji wants to die.
“Ballerina-boy,” Zoro repeats, rolling the words over his tongue like someone with actual taste would savour a fine wine. Sanji knows without looking that there’ll be a shit-eating grin plastered across the bastard’s face, and he itches to plant his heel right in its centre, but he’s torn between who to kick first.
“Iva-chan, you know Sanji?” Luffy says, way too excited by the prospect, and there’s this evil grin on Iva’s purple lips that frankly scares Sanji shitless. He is not a man easily spooked, but the secret he’d guarded so ferociously since rejoining his crew is on the verge of being spilled. He’s frantically trying to think of way to shut Iva up before it’s too late, but he’s coming up with zip.
There’s a reason he hadn’t told the others where he’d been the past two years, and it’s the very simple fact that he will never, ever, ever live this down.
“Vhy yes!” Iva announced with relish. “Ballerina-boy vas our most esteemedable guest on Kamabakka Island for two years! I can’t imagine vhy he vouldn’t have told vou.”
“Sanji was in your kingdom? Awesome!”
“No it wasn’t,” Sanji hisses, before Iva says, “In fact, I’ve got photoables!”, proving that Sanji’s day can still get worse.
“No!” he yells, making a desperate lunge for the scraps of paper Iva is waving in the air. Having that harpy show up and blow his cover is bad enough, but he seriously can’t take the thought of anybody seeing those goddamn photos, and he’d choose death over letting Zoro and Nami near them. Unfortunately, much to his eternal bitterness, he has yet to actually beat the Queen of Kamabakka in a fight, because Iva cheats. He delights in using Sanji’s chivalry against him, using that accursed hormone power of his to swap gender mid-fight and then take advantage of the split-second of hesitation where Sanji has to remind himself that that isn’t really a woman.
Which is how he ends up face down in the dirt with Iva sitting on his legs, dignity ground into dust as Iva gleefully brandishes Sanji’s greatest moments of shame for public viewing.
“Don’t vorry, candy, I von’t really show them,” Iva says sympathetically, and Sanji knows what’s coming, he knows, but he still can’t help the tiny germ of glimmering optimism that makes him say, “You won’t?”
“HAH! OF COURSE I WILL!” the shitty old queen cackles, throwing them up into the air for Luffy to snag with effortless reflex. “HEEHAW!"
There goes Sanji’s last hope at salvation, completely crushed. He will never be able to show his face in public again. He knows he should probably be grateful that at least the entire crew isn’t here to witness his humiliation, but he just can’t find it within himself when, of all the possibilities, it’s Zoro and Nami-san who’d gone with him and Luffy to collect information.
His life is over.
“Don’t worry, Sanji-kun,” Nami says, trying to sound sympathetic like the angel she is, but she can’t quite suppress the giggle in her voice. “You look very, um… nice.”
Meanwhile, that utter shithead is smirking like this is the best day of his miserable fucking life. “Yeah, Cook,” he says smugly. “Pink’s really your colour. You should get them to make it your new bounty poster.”
There is only one thing in this world that could be worse than his current wanted poster, and this is it.
“Like you’d know anything about colours, goth boy,” Sanji snarls, struggling under Iva’s implacable weight, which he’d increased with those accursed hormones just so Sanji wouldn’t be able to shake him off. “I’m surprised you can even see. Do us all a favour and stick a fork in your other eye!”
Zoro shrugs, unbothered as ever by digs about his eye, despite the fact that a swordsman with no depth perception is one of the stupidest things Sanji has ever heard of. It was probably self-inflicted. This is the man who thinks cutting off his own limbs is a viable strategy, after all.
“Hey, Sanji, why’re you wearing a dress anyway?” Luffy asks loudly. “Are you gonna become an okama like Iva-chan and Bon-chan? That’d be weird. But pretty cool.”
For a moment, Sanji hates his captain more than he thought it was possible to hate anybody who wasn’t a marimo or a drag queen.
“Shh, Luffy!” Nami chides him, but she can barely get it out for the laughter shaking her slim shoulders and it doesn’t sound very convincing.
Sanji’s life has hit rock bottom. This is it. This is officially the worst thing to ever happen to him, ever, in the entire history of his existence, and it’s all Iva’s fault. (And the shithead marimo, but that goes without saying.)
“Die!” he howls, finally knocking Iva off in a violent burst of energy and flying at the son of a bitch in a berserker rage, but fury makes him sloppy and his resistance lasts only a few pitiful seconds before Iva is throwing him back to the ground and those sharp nails are slicing swiftly towards his side.
Not… oh, fuck, fuck, no, not this, anything but-
“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” Sanji screams, but it’s too late; his yell of protest warbles up an octave halfway through like a boy in puberty whose voice has started to crack.
“Vou should remember vat happens vhen vou are a bad boy,” Iva says placidly, checking his nails. “Vou do know it is a sign of insanity to try the same thing and expect different results, yes?”
“Wow, Iva-chan, you turned Sanji into a chick?” Luffy sounds impressed. Sanji envisions all the painful retribution he will exact upon his captain’s person later. “… You are gonna turn him back, right? Only I kind of need him to fight stuff.”
“Oh, eventually,” Iva says airily. “Ven ze candy has learned his lesson, maybe.”
Zoro hasn’t said anything yet, but that’s probably because he’s laughing harder than Sanji has ever heard and is no doubt storing up a lifetime’s worth of digs for the moment he catches his breath back. Nami is wide-eyed with mirth, hands pressed over her mouth in a futile effort to stem her hysterical giggling.
“I hate you all,” Sanji says bitterly, trying to ignore his suddenly high pitched voice and wishing he could find a hole to crawl into. “Except Nami-san,” he adds after a moment, but it’s rather lacking in conviction, all things considered.
“Sure thing, Sanji-chan,” Zoro manages to get out in between sniggers, setting Nami off yet again.
One day, Sanji vows to himself. One day he will have vengeance.
“Vat vas zat, Ballerina-boy?” Iva says sweetly. “Did vou say somethingable?”
Sadly, however, that day is not today, because Iva is the only one who can restore Sanji’s rightful gender.
Fuck his life.