(no subject)
Title: Push
Fandom: Mirage of Blaze
Pairings: Naoe/Takaya
Genre: Angst/romance? *hasn't got a clue*
Word Count: 4,164
Notes: Christmas present for my lovely corialis, 2004. I'm sorry if it's stilted-- I think I'm out of practice writing serious fics, and I'm DEFINITELY out of practice writing porn. XD Also, song not connected to title. Put song on BECAUSE of title, in fact. Though it would rather suit Naoe. Set straight after the ending of the anime.
Summary: Naoe walks away, and Takaya overcomes his denseness long enough to decide this is just not on. Chiaki is sarcastic a lot, because that is what he does best.
Naoe was walking away, and the only thing Takaya could do was stand still and stare after him in something approaching desparation, fingers clutching at the jacket over his shoulders like a drowning man clinging to a lifeline.
You didn't… you didn't do things like that, dammit! You didn't tell someone you loved them and then just walk away! You didn't abandon them, you didn't leave them all alone, you didn't… Naoe…
Takaya's mind was screaming at him to do something, anything, call out or grab Naoe's arm, but his body ignored him. He couldn't do anything, frozen in complete shock and despair, and by the time the sound of a car pulling away had jolted him back into action, it was already too late.
Naoe's jacket was stifling, a suffocating weight on his shoulders, but Takaya would probably freeze if he took it off. Just like their relationship: there was no easy path, but Takaya would rather be smothered than left alone in the cold. He sank to his knees, rough splintered wood digging into his skin, and it occurred to him that this felt just like the last time Naoe had left.
Only this time, he had no big brother to cry on.
This time, it felt like he didn't have anybody, and that was silly. Of course he had people; he had Haruie, and he'd always have Yuzuru. Yuzuru was the one who had always been there for him in the past, and that had always been enough. Should always be enough.
So why did he feel like his world was ending?
Takaya didn't know if Naoe ever planned on coming back, but there was something frighteningly permanent about that goodbye, and that sent chills down Takaya's spine. He didn't understand it, but for some reason he needed Naoe, couldn't stand the thought of being without him again. Not after that first time.
Maybe it was connected to the endless cycle of the relationship between Kagetora and Naoe that nobody had bothered to explain to him yet, or maybe it was Takaya's own desperate dependency. Most likely it was a combination of both.
Reflecting on his situation, still kneeling on the dock in the biting wind, Takaya wondered if it was even harder for him to deal with being abandoned this time. Was it worse to think that Naoe hated him, had betrayed him? Or was it worse to know that Naoe loved him and had still left?
Either way, he couldn't leave things as they were. His memories of the time spent away from Naoe were quite frankly painful, and the idea of spending an indeterminate amount of his future in much the same way was-- to put it mildly-- unappealing. He wasn't going to fucking well put up with this if he didn't have to.
Maybe Takaya didn't know what Naoe wanted from him. Maybe he didn't know what he wanted from Naoe, either. But given a choice between giving Naoe possibly more than he was capable of giving and not having Naoe at all?
Well, there was no damn contest. Takaya was more than prepared to make a few sacrifices.
Besides-- a small voice at the back of Takaya’s mind was starting to wonder if there really was a limit to what he wanted to give, after all.
~
"Takaya?"
"Yuzuru," Takaya said flatly. "Hey."
"You haven't been in school the last few days. Is… everything okay?"
"Okay." Takaya contemplated the word for a while, staring dully at the rocky path without really seeing. "Yeah. Everything's fan-fucking-tastic."
Because Naoe was persona non-gratis, but everything else was fine, wasn't it? No spiritual possessions, nothing weird going on, Yuzuru was all right, and did it really matter if Naoe was gone?
Of course it did. Fuck.
"Takaya…"
"No!" Takaya snapped, spinning to throw a rock viciously into the lake. "No, everything is not freaking okay, alright? Can we just drop it?"
"But if something's wrong, maybe I can help?"
"You can't," Takaya said harshly, then immediately felt slightly bad for yelling at his best friend. "Sorry. I'm sorry. Yuzuru… Nobody can help, okay? This is something I have to deal with myself."
"Talking about it might help," Yuzuru said tentatively. "I know you don't like talking things through, but--"
"No!" Takaya said quickly, almost panicking. "No. I can't talk about this, okay? Not this."
Yuzuru sighed, casting a sad look at Takaya out of the corner of his eyes and making him feel remarkably like shit. "It's about Naoe-san, isn't it?"
Takaya started, then inwardly cursed his guilty reaction. "How did you--?"
"He's the only reason you'd act like this," Yuzuru said simply, leaving Takaya no less confused than he had been before. "I know you can't talk to me, but… have you thought of talking to Chiaki-san?"
"Chiaki?" Takaya said blankly. Remembering Chiaki's pissed off rant the last time he and Naoe had lost their shit, he winced thinking of what Chiaki would have to say this time.
Then again, maybe Chiaki wouldn't be so pissed if Takaya were the one trying to find Naoe. Maybe he'd approve. Maybe he'd even have some bright ideas, since he'd known Naoe longer than Takaya had.
Well, he remembered knowing Naoe longer, at any rate. Whatever.
"That's not such a bad idea," Takaya said slowly. "Thanks, Yuzuru."
Time to pay Chiaki a visit, then.
~
"Okay, let me get this straight. You and Naoe screwed up again, but this time you're asking for my help?"
"Yeah, what else does it look like?" Takaya said sullenly.
Chiaki gave him a hard look. "This is a change, Kagetora-sama running after Naoe."
"I'm not… I don't want him to leave. Are you going to help or not?"
"Depends," Chiaki said calmly. "When you find him, what are you going to do? You could never stand to let him go, but you couldn't stand to give him what he wanted, either. Are you going to be able to give in to Naoe? Because if you're going to continue to reel him in just so you can tear him up and fuck him over a bit more, give up now."
Takaya thought of the times Naoe had shown his fractured insanity and shuddered at the reminder that it was his fault, even if he had no memory of his actions. "Don't lecture me like I'm Kagetora," he said unsteadily. "I don't remember any of that shit. I'm not… I wouldn't do that to him."
"But would Kagetora?" Chiaki countered. "He's a part of you. What will you do if your subconscious objects and his memories overpower you? Kagetora's past with Naoe is complicated. They hate each other as much as they love each other, maybe more on Kagetora's half. How do you know he won't balk?"
"How the fuck should I know?" Takaya said defensively. "I'm not letting my life be ruled by a past I can't even fucking remember!"
Chiaki appraised him silently for a few minutes. "You're like him, you know," he said eventually. "Before time made him bitter."
Takaya blinked, taken aback. "What?"
"Like Kagetora," Chiaki said with exaggerated patience. "You act the way he used to."
Takaya frowned in confusion. "What the hell has that got to do with anything?"
Chiaki sighed. "Never mind."
Takaya narrowed his eyes at Chiaki suspiciously, and then clearly decided it wasn't worth worrying about. "Yeah, whatever. Are you going to help me or not?"
Chiaki leaned back in his chair, raising an eyebrow. "What, precisely, do you expect me to do about it?"
"Can't you help me find him or something?"
"To be perfectly honest?" Chiaki smirked. "Why, no. I can't."
"Do you have any idea how incredibly unhelpful you are?" Takaya growled unhappily, sliding down the wall to sit disconsolately on the floor with his head in his hands.
"I'm sure everyone else feels exactly the same way about you."
"Thanks," Takaya muttered. "You're making me feel heaps fucking better."
"You're quite welcome." Chiaki adjusted his glasses, studying the miserable teenager thoughtfully. "He'll come back, you know. He always does. You just have to bide your time."
Like a dog on a leash.
I'm your dog. A rabid dog.
Takaya flinched. Chiaki was still watching him.
"I suggest you think carefully about this," Chiaki said coolly. "If you were only going to do it to get him to come back? You'll simply fuck things up worse. Don't bother."
"Is it always going to be like this?" Takaya asked quietly. "A fucking endless cycle?"
"Maybe," Chiaki said noncommittally. "Take my advice, Kagetora. Think before you act."
"I'm not Kagetora," Takaya whispered, but Chiaki was already gone.
~
"No offence, kid, but you look like shit."
"I feel like shit," Takaya grumbled. "And maybe I'll feel less like shit if I'm pissed, so do you want to go out or should I go get hammered by myself?"
Haruie grabbed her coat, trailing after him with a concerned expression. "Kagetora, drinking doesn't solve anything, you know that."
"So what?" Takaya said resentfully, flopping violently down into a chair and cracking open another bottle of unidentified strong liquor. "Who cares? It's not like you can stop me."
"I'm not going to stop you," Haruie said gently. "I'm just worried, okay? You're acting self-destructive. It's scaring the people who care about you."
"Shut up," Takaya said tiredly. "Just leave it, Haruie."
"I know he's the reason you're doing this, but hasn't it occurred to you that this isn't what he'd want?"
"Shut up!" Takaya snarled, voice breaking slightly. "Why should I care what he fucking wants? It's not like he gives a damn about me!"
"Now you're just being childish," a voice said from behind him. "You know perfectly well that isn't true, Takaya-san."
Takaya froze. "This stuff must be really good," he told Haruie, voice bordering on the edge of hysteria. "Because I'm hallucinating."
"How do you do that?" Haruie asked Naoe curiously. "That thing with the timing?"
Naoe ignored Haruie's question (since it was probably rhetorical anyway) to focus once more on Takaya. "You are not hallucinating. However, you are being very stupid. What on Earth are you doing?"
"What the hell has it got to do with you?" Takaya demanded. Haruie wondered if she should just keep out of this entirely or try to help. After some consideration, she opted for the first choice; Kagetora and Naoe were infamous for not taking kindly to interference in their arguments. Best to let them sort it out themselves.
At least with Kagetora in his incarnation as Takaya she was quite sure no one would be trying to kill anyone else, which was certainly a pleasant change.
"It has everything to do with me. Reckless behaviour could get you killed."
"I can take care of myself!" Takaya snapped.
"I beg to differ," Naoe said calmly. "I think you are proving quite sufficiently that this is the opposite of reality."
"Oh, like I'll listen to you when you talk about reality," Takaya said snidely. "And I don't need you to take care of me, if you're just going to piss off whenever you feel like it."
Upon reflection, Takaya later concluded two things: that he was lying through his teeth, and that he had not in fact meant to say that. Perhaps in future it would teach him to watch his alcohol intake.
Then again, very few people learned that no matter how many hangovers and humiliating scenes they went through, and Takaya was hardly the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree when it came to learning from experience, so that was rather dubious.
Back in the present moment, though, Takaya had yet to figure out the implications of what he'd just let slip.
Naoe's expression was slightly baffled. "Kagetora-sama?"
"You just-- you-- oh, fuck it. Never mind. If you're going to bitch, you can drive on the way home. Happy?"
Naoe was quite certain he was missing a line in the script. Given that Takaya hadn't seemed overly thrilled to see him all of a minute ago, Naoe was having trouble understanding this sudden request. Of course, Takaya was never good at social niceties or subtlety in the first place, so they were a complete write-off when he was drunk.
"Ah… I'm not sure I understand your meaning. You want me to drive you home?"
"I can't drive if I'm pissed, can I?" Takaya said reasonably. "Not like you ever let me drive your car anyway. So if you want to go, you drive."
Naoe sighed. "If you want me to drop you home, you'll have to remind me of your address. I've forgotten it."
"I don't."
Naoe paused in the midst of taking his car keys out of his pocket. "Pardon?"
"I'm not going home drunk! What about my little sister? I'm going with you."
Naoe didn't have the willpower to argue against that. Haruie, having made herself inconspicuous, was very impressed at Takaya's way-laying ability.
It remained to be seen how well he would cope once he was sober, though.
~
One night turned into two nights turned into a week turned into Takaya living with Naoe again. Theoretically, this was both a very bad idea and something that should have made Takaya happy.
In practice, Takaya would have been a lot happier if it was being a bad idea.
Naoe, for all he had professed his love the last time they'd seen each other-- he couldn't have just hung around another five minutes and waited for Takaya to respond, could he? Oh, no, because that would have made everything too easy-- was acting as distant as he had when they had first met. He was still polite, friendly, and helpful whilst simultaneously being nowhere near as familiar as he should have been, and it was driving Takaya quite frankly insane.
If he'd needed a clue that he should stay with his original plan, that was it.
"What's your problem now? He's back, isn't he?"
"You said I should think carefully, didn't you?"
Chiaki glanced back at him disinterestedly. "Yeah. What of it?"
"I've thought about it."
"And?"
"And I've made my mind up," Takaya said firmly, though his gaze was still resting nervously on the ground. "I'm going through with it. Screw how Kagetora does things. It's my body, so it's my choice. If I decide to let Naoe do… whatever he wants to do, then Kagetora can just fucking put up with it."
"You are Kagetora," Chiaki pointed out.
"That's not what I mean!"
Chiaki laughed. "I know. So, you're sure?"
"Yeah."
Chiaki shrugged. "Fine. You make your bed, you lie in it."
"Gee, thanks," Takaya said sarcastically. "That's really reassuring."
"That said," Chiaki added nonchalantly, "it's about fucking time one of you did something."
"Hey," Takaya objected. "I'm not--"
"Kagetora? Yes you are, despite the fact that you don't want to admit it." Chiaki paused, smirking. "Besides, even if you weren't? It's still about fucking time."
"Shut up," Takaya muttered sullenly, curling defensively back into his chair.
"Hey. Takaya."
"What?"
"Don't screw this one up."
"… Thanks."
~
"Kagetora-sama," Naoe greeted him on his return.
"Don't you ever get confused?" Takaya asked suddenly, tossing his jacket on the bench as he came over to collapse unceremoniously onto the couch next to Naoe. "Between me and him?"
"Why would I?" Naoe asked reasonably. "You are the same person. Names and memories aside, you are him. You are Kagetora-sama with amnesia. You behave as Kagetora-sama would with amnesia. Similarly, you are Takaya-san. You are you."
"Huh," Takaya said vaguely. He'd known that was what Naoe would say, so he didn't really know why he'd asked. Maybe to ground himself. It was always reassuring to hear someone else say that out loud.
"Was there a reason for that question?"
"Not really," Takaya answered, restlessly pushing to his feet again and pacing about the room, trailing his fingers along shelves and picking things up only to put them down again. Naoe watched him cautiously, as if he were a feral cat that might attack at any given moment.
"Naoe," Takaya said abruptly, putting down the ivory figure he was holding with a sharp tap that punctuated his speaking, "why didn't Kagetora accept your feelings for him?"
Naoe stood automatically, pained by the question and wondering how Takaya could fail to realise that this was dangerous ground.
There was no way he was to know that Takaya was aiming for dangerous ground.
"Takaya-san, I am afraid I do not know the answer to that," Naoe said sharply. "If you'd excuse me, I need to--"
"You're running away again," Takaya interrupted him. "Quit it."
"Do not push me," Naoe bit out. "You should know better than that. If you can't deal with the consequences of your actions--"
"Who says I can't?" Takaya challenged. "Who's the coward here, me or you?"
Steep intake of breath. "Do you understand what you are saying?"
Takaya bared his teeth in a grin. "Try me."
Naoe could feel his hard-won self-control splintering like rotten wood, his voice rising into a barely contained yell. "I am warning you, this is not a game!"
"I never said it was," Takaya said mockingly, walking closer to Naoe until there was less than half a foot between them. "Are you afraid of me, Naoe?"
There was a perfect frozen second before everything exploded into chaos, Naoe slamming Takaya back against the wall and Takaya's vision bursting out in stars when his head cracked into it.
This is just like last time, Takaya thought dizzily, but this time I know what I'm doing.
"You never listen, do you?" Naoe hissed. "I try, but you simply scorn my efforts!"
"You just assume I want your efforts," Takaya choked out. "Maybe I'm sick of you walking on eggshells around me, bastard."
Naoe narrowed his eyes. "Then you can't blame me when I snap, Kagetora-sama. You have a choice: either you let me have my caution, or you deal with what you unleash."
"Just fucking try me," Takaya spat, and before the words were even fully spoken, Naoe had crushed his mouth down on Takaya's in a brutal kiss.
Hah, Takaya thought. I win.
That was, at least, what one of the lower-down levels of his brain was thinking. His overwhelming conscious response was a lot less lucid than that, and involved disjointed adjectives (such as "hot"). The level below that was more concerned with physical directives, telling him urgently to 'open your mouth, you fucking idiot'. Coherent thought was buried so deeply, in fact, that it might as well not have wasted its time occurring.
"I'm not going to be nice," Naoe said hoarsely, eyes flashing. "I'm not going to stop if you change your mind. You should have thought about what you were doing before you did it."
"I did," Takaya gasped, fingers digging into Naoe's shoulders with shock when Naoe bit down on his neck hard enough to bruise. "I'm not… a coward…"
He never heard Naoe's response to that, because then they were kissing again, tongues battling fiercely for dominance. Takaya was hot all over, almost to the point of feeling feverish and ill, so he was actually glad when Naoe pulled his shirt up and started licking and biting at his stomach.
"N-Nao--!"
"It's too late," Naoe breathed against Takaya's over-sensitive skin. "It's too late to change your mind."
"Who the fuck," Takaya growled brokenly, "said I was ch-changing my mind?"
Takaya's voice had jumped nearly an octave when Naoe had yanked his belt open and slipped a hand inside his jeans, fingers scrabbling wildly against the wall futilely for purchase with his head thrown back. "A-aah--"
Takaya's jeans were tugged down. Naoe's mouth suddenly replaced his hand, warmth and wetness and Takaya wondered if this was what it was like to lose your mind. There was nothing to hold onto, not even himself, he was slipping down the wall and
And Naoe's tongue was in his mouth again, scalding hot and tasting like salt, and Naoe's weight was the only thing holding him up.
This was officially a Good Thing, Takaya decided fuzzily. Turning Naoe down before? Bad thing. Stupid thing.
Then again, this was probably the stupidest thing he'd ever done, and he had to say it was one of his best ideas to date.
However, Naoe was still mostly clothed. That was the only negative side to this situation, and it was something Takaya would like to see remedied in the very near future. There was a problem with that, unfortunately. He didn't even have the energy to stand, let alone the motor skills to manipulate buttons.
Mouth, his brain piped up helpfully. You can speak.
"Clothes," Takaya said roughly, breath catching as Naoe's hand tightened against his hip. "Too many. Bad."
Naoe gave him a look that was somewhere bizarre between heated and considering. "You're full of surprises today."
Takaya would have responded to that with one of his usual smart arse comments, but he couldn't remember how, so instead he watched approvingly as Naoe's shirt and trousers bit the dust. Vast improvement.
Soon enough Naoe was pressing him back into the wall again, sucking at his neck, and perversely enough less clothes seemed to equate higher temperature. This should violate universal laws, but Takaya really couldn't care less. Wrapping his arms around Naoe's neck for balance, he hissed as Naoe shoved him harder back into the wall.
"More."
"More… what…?"
"Bastard," Takaya panted. "You know… what I… mean."
Naoe might have pushed the point as a means of frustrating Takaya (anyone who claimed revenge was not sweet was even more deluded than Naoe himself was), but to be quite truthful all his upper brain functions had gone into meltdown and it would have been ultimately self-defeating. "I don't have any--"
"I don't care."
"You haven't… got a clue… what you're doing," Naoe said bluntly between shallow breaths.
"Fuck!" Takaya swore harshly, because Naoe had an unfortunate point but he didn't want to move. He didn't want Naoe to move, either, so reflexively he leaned his weight on Naoe's shoulders long enough to wrap his legs around the other man's hips.
There were logistical difficulties with this, less the issue of support-- Naoe was pushing him back into the wall so hard he didn't need to hold himself up at all-- than with the more important problems like the fact they had no lube.
"Fuck," Takaya said again, only this time it was a direct response to being pressed even closer to Naoe than he had been, rocking instinctually and then crying out between gritted teeth at the friction.
Right, Naoe decided, this was more than good enough for now. Lube and all that it entailed could wait until next time, which with luck and Kagetora not coming to his senses there would be. For now, Naoe was as loathe to delay things as Takaya was, and he made this known by rocking back harder.
Youth and health aside, Takaya was really going to be feeling this tomorrow. Gravity, momentum and Naoe were all that was keeping him up against the wall; his back was going to be bruised after it was all over. Similarly, it would be more surprising if Takaya didn't leave marks on Naoe's skin, his fingers were digging so hard into Naoe's shoulders.
As they said, though: no pain, no gain, and right now neither of them were feeling anything but pleasure building to a crescendo.
Everything exploded again, but into ecstasy this time rather than chaos. Takaya's vision had gone blinding white for a second, and when conscious thought returned, he found that he and Naoe had collapsed into sticky tangled puddle on the floor.
It was getting cold. It was also getting rather uncomfortable, which his legs and back and bite marks were telling him quite vocally. He really couldn't care less.
Takaya cleared his throat, pleased to find he still retained the power of speech. "You know," he said hoarsely, "it's just as well you didn't hang around that other time."
Not following Takaya's train of thought, Naoe raised his head and blinked blearily. "Mm?"
"I mean, if you stayed," Takaya said slowly, "I might have said I did too."
"Did too what?" Naoe asked, utterly mystified amidst his sated smugness.
"Loved you," Takaya muttered in an embarrassed rush. "Which would definitely have led to sex, which would have been bad. I mean, a pier? It'd be fucking cold. And what about splinters? No fucking way. This was a better idea. Okay, back hurts, but no splinters."
Naoe didn't try to follow Takaya's warped train of thought. It wasn't worth it. What was worth it, on the other hand, was figuring out-- eventually, through layers of mental fuzz-- that Takaya was going to hang around.
Maybe there would be a next time after all. Naoe would have to remember to keep the lube on hand, just in case.
Fandom: Mirage of Blaze
Pairings: Naoe/Takaya
Genre: Angst/romance? *hasn't got a clue*
Word Count: 4,164
Notes: Christmas present for my lovely corialis, 2004. I'm sorry if it's stilted-- I think I'm out of practice writing serious fics, and I'm DEFINITELY out of practice writing porn. XD Also, song not connected to title. Put song on BECAUSE of title, in fact. Though it would rather suit Naoe. Set straight after the ending of the anime.
Summary: Naoe walks away, and Takaya overcomes his denseness long enough to decide this is just not on. Chiaki is sarcastic a lot, because that is what he does best.
Naoe was walking away, and the only thing Takaya could do was stand still and stare after him in something approaching desparation, fingers clutching at the jacket over his shoulders like a drowning man clinging to a lifeline.
You didn't… you didn't do things like that, dammit! You didn't tell someone you loved them and then just walk away! You didn't abandon them, you didn't leave them all alone, you didn't… Naoe…
Takaya's mind was screaming at him to do something, anything, call out or grab Naoe's arm, but his body ignored him. He couldn't do anything, frozen in complete shock and despair, and by the time the sound of a car pulling away had jolted him back into action, it was already too late.
Naoe's jacket was stifling, a suffocating weight on his shoulders, but Takaya would probably freeze if he took it off. Just like their relationship: there was no easy path, but Takaya would rather be smothered than left alone in the cold. He sank to his knees, rough splintered wood digging into his skin, and it occurred to him that this felt just like the last time Naoe had left.
Only this time, he had no big brother to cry on.
This time, it felt like he didn't have anybody, and that was silly. Of course he had people; he had Haruie, and he'd always have Yuzuru. Yuzuru was the one who had always been there for him in the past, and that had always been enough. Should always be enough.
So why did he feel like his world was ending?
Takaya didn't know if Naoe ever planned on coming back, but there was something frighteningly permanent about that goodbye, and that sent chills down Takaya's spine. He didn't understand it, but for some reason he needed Naoe, couldn't stand the thought of being without him again. Not after that first time.
Maybe it was connected to the endless cycle of the relationship between Kagetora and Naoe that nobody had bothered to explain to him yet, or maybe it was Takaya's own desperate dependency. Most likely it was a combination of both.
Reflecting on his situation, still kneeling on the dock in the biting wind, Takaya wondered if it was even harder for him to deal with being abandoned this time. Was it worse to think that Naoe hated him, had betrayed him? Or was it worse to know that Naoe loved him and had still left?
Either way, he couldn't leave things as they were. His memories of the time spent away from Naoe were quite frankly painful, and the idea of spending an indeterminate amount of his future in much the same way was-- to put it mildly-- unappealing. He wasn't going to fucking well put up with this if he didn't have to.
Maybe Takaya didn't know what Naoe wanted from him. Maybe he didn't know what he wanted from Naoe, either. But given a choice between giving Naoe possibly more than he was capable of giving and not having Naoe at all?
Well, there was no damn contest. Takaya was more than prepared to make a few sacrifices.
Besides-- a small voice at the back of Takaya’s mind was starting to wonder if there really was a limit to what he wanted to give, after all.
~
"Takaya?"
"Yuzuru," Takaya said flatly. "Hey."
"You haven't been in school the last few days. Is… everything okay?"
"Okay." Takaya contemplated the word for a while, staring dully at the rocky path without really seeing. "Yeah. Everything's fan-fucking-tastic."
Because Naoe was persona non-gratis, but everything else was fine, wasn't it? No spiritual possessions, nothing weird going on, Yuzuru was all right, and did it really matter if Naoe was gone?
Of course it did. Fuck.
"Takaya…"
"No!" Takaya snapped, spinning to throw a rock viciously into the lake. "No, everything is not freaking okay, alright? Can we just drop it?"
"But if something's wrong, maybe I can help?"
"You can't," Takaya said harshly, then immediately felt slightly bad for yelling at his best friend. "Sorry. I'm sorry. Yuzuru… Nobody can help, okay? This is something I have to deal with myself."
"Talking about it might help," Yuzuru said tentatively. "I know you don't like talking things through, but--"
"No!" Takaya said quickly, almost panicking. "No. I can't talk about this, okay? Not this."
Yuzuru sighed, casting a sad look at Takaya out of the corner of his eyes and making him feel remarkably like shit. "It's about Naoe-san, isn't it?"
Takaya started, then inwardly cursed his guilty reaction. "How did you--?"
"He's the only reason you'd act like this," Yuzuru said simply, leaving Takaya no less confused than he had been before. "I know you can't talk to me, but… have you thought of talking to Chiaki-san?"
"Chiaki?" Takaya said blankly. Remembering Chiaki's pissed off rant the last time he and Naoe had lost their shit, he winced thinking of what Chiaki would have to say this time.
Then again, maybe Chiaki wouldn't be so pissed if Takaya were the one trying to find Naoe. Maybe he'd approve. Maybe he'd even have some bright ideas, since he'd known Naoe longer than Takaya had.
Well, he remembered knowing Naoe longer, at any rate. Whatever.
"That's not such a bad idea," Takaya said slowly. "Thanks, Yuzuru."
Time to pay Chiaki a visit, then.
~
"Okay, let me get this straight. You and Naoe screwed up again, but this time you're asking for my help?"
"Yeah, what else does it look like?" Takaya said sullenly.
Chiaki gave him a hard look. "This is a change, Kagetora-sama running after Naoe."
"I'm not… I don't want him to leave. Are you going to help or not?"
"Depends," Chiaki said calmly. "When you find him, what are you going to do? You could never stand to let him go, but you couldn't stand to give him what he wanted, either. Are you going to be able to give in to Naoe? Because if you're going to continue to reel him in just so you can tear him up and fuck him over a bit more, give up now."
Takaya thought of the times Naoe had shown his fractured insanity and shuddered at the reminder that it was his fault, even if he had no memory of his actions. "Don't lecture me like I'm Kagetora," he said unsteadily. "I don't remember any of that shit. I'm not… I wouldn't do that to him."
"But would Kagetora?" Chiaki countered. "He's a part of you. What will you do if your subconscious objects and his memories overpower you? Kagetora's past with Naoe is complicated. They hate each other as much as they love each other, maybe more on Kagetora's half. How do you know he won't balk?"
"How the fuck should I know?" Takaya said defensively. "I'm not letting my life be ruled by a past I can't even fucking remember!"
Chiaki appraised him silently for a few minutes. "You're like him, you know," he said eventually. "Before time made him bitter."
Takaya blinked, taken aback. "What?"
"Like Kagetora," Chiaki said with exaggerated patience. "You act the way he used to."
Takaya frowned in confusion. "What the hell has that got to do with anything?"
Chiaki sighed. "Never mind."
Takaya narrowed his eyes at Chiaki suspiciously, and then clearly decided it wasn't worth worrying about. "Yeah, whatever. Are you going to help me or not?"
Chiaki leaned back in his chair, raising an eyebrow. "What, precisely, do you expect me to do about it?"
"Can't you help me find him or something?"
"To be perfectly honest?" Chiaki smirked. "Why, no. I can't."
"Do you have any idea how incredibly unhelpful you are?" Takaya growled unhappily, sliding down the wall to sit disconsolately on the floor with his head in his hands.
"I'm sure everyone else feels exactly the same way about you."
"Thanks," Takaya muttered. "You're making me feel heaps fucking better."
"You're quite welcome." Chiaki adjusted his glasses, studying the miserable teenager thoughtfully. "He'll come back, you know. He always does. You just have to bide your time."
Like a dog on a leash.
I'm your dog. A rabid dog.
Takaya flinched. Chiaki was still watching him.
"I suggest you think carefully about this," Chiaki said coolly. "If you were only going to do it to get him to come back? You'll simply fuck things up worse. Don't bother."
"Is it always going to be like this?" Takaya asked quietly. "A fucking endless cycle?"
"Maybe," Chiaki said noncommittally. "Take my advice, Kagetora. Think before you act."
"I'm not Kagetora," Takaya whispered, but Chiaki was already gone.
~
"No offence, kid, but you look like shit."
"I feel like shit," Takaya grumbled. "And maybe I'll feel less like shit if I'm pissed, so do you want to go out or should I go get hammered by myself?"
Haruie grabbed her coat, trailing after him with a concerned expression. "Kagetora, drinking doesn't solve anything, you know that."
"So what?" Takaya said resentfully, flopping violently down into a chair and cracking open another bottle of unidentified strong liquor. "Who cares? It's not like you can stop me."
"I'm not going to stop you," Haruie said gently. "I'm just worried, okay? You're acting self-destructive. It's scaring the people who care about you."
"Shut up," Takaya said tiredly. "Just leave it, Haruie."
"I know he's the reason you're doing this, but hasn't it occurred to you that this isn't what he'd want?"
"Shut up!" Takaya snarled, voice breaking slightly. "Why should I care what he fucking wants? It's not like he gives a damn about me!"
"Now you're just being childish," a voice said from behind him. "You know perfectly well that isn't true, Takaya-san."
Takaya froze. "This stuff must be really good," he told Haruie, voice bordering on the edge of hysteria. "Because I'm hallucinating."
"How do you do that?" Haruie asked Naoe curiously. "That thing with the timing?"
Naoe ignored Haruie's question (since it was probably rhetorical anyway) to focus once more on Takaya. "You are not hallucinating. However, you are being very stupid. What on Earth are you doing?"
"What the hell has it got to do with you?" Takaya demanded. Haruie wondered if she should just keep out of this entirely or try to help. After some consideration, she opted for the first choice; Kagetora and Naoe were infamous for not taking kindly to interference in their arguments. Best to let them sort it out themselves.
At least with Kagetora in his incarnation as Takaya she was quite sure no one would be trying to kill anyone else, which was certainly a pleasant change.
"It has everything to do with me. Reckless behaviour could get you killed."
"I can take care of myself!" Takaya snapped.
"I beg to differ," Naoe said calmly. "I think you are proving quite sufficiently that this is the opposite of reality."
"Oh, like I'll listen to you when you talk about reality," Takaya said snidely. "And I don't need you to take care of me, if you're just going to piss off whenever you feel like it."
Upon reflection, Takaya later concluded two things: that he was lying through his teeth, and that he had not in fact meant to say that. Perhaps in future it would teach him to watch his alcohol intake.
Then again, very few people learned that no matter how many hangovers and humiliating scenes they went through, and Takaya was hardly the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree when it came to learning from experience, so that was rather dubious.
Back in the present moment, though, Takaya had yet to figure out the implications of what he'd just let slip.
Naoe's expression was slightly baffled. "Kagetora-sama?"
"You just-- you-- oh, fuck it. Never mind. If you're going to bitch, you can drive on the way home. Happy?"
Naoe was quite certain he was missing a line in the script. Given that Takaya hadn't seemed overly thrilled to see him all of a minute ago, Naoe was having trouble understanding this sudden request. Of course, Takaya was never good at social niceties or subtlety in the first place, so they were a complete write-off when he was drunk.
"Ah… I'm not sure I understand your meaning. You want me to drive you home?"
"I can't drive if I'm pissed, can I?" Takaya said reasonably. "Not like you ever let me drive your car anyway. So if you want to go, you drive."
Naoe sighed. "If you want me to drop you home, you'll have to remind me of your address. I've forgotten it."
"I don't."
Naoe paused in the midst of taking his car keys out of his pocket. "Pardon?"
"I'm not going home drunk! What about my little sister? I'm going with you."
Naoe didn't have the willpower to argue against that. Haruie, having made herself inconspicuous, was very impressed at Takaya's way-laying ability.
It remained to be seen how well he would cope once he was sober, though.
~
One night turned into two nights turned into a week turned into Takaya living with Naoe again. Theoretically, this was both a very bad idea and something that should have made Takaya happy.
In practice, Takaya would have been a lot happier if it was being a bad idea.
Naoe, for all he had professed his love the last time they'd seen each other-- he couldn't have just hung around another five minutes and waited for Takaya to respond, could he? Oh, no, because that would have made everything too easy-- was acting as distant as he had when they had first met. He was still polite, friendly, and helpful whilst simultaneously being nowhere near as familiar as he should have been, and it was driving Takaya quite frankly insane.
If he'd needed a clue that he should stay with his original plan, that was it.
"What's your problem now? He's back, isn't he?"
"You said I should think carefully, didn't you?"
Chiaki glanced back at him disinterestedly. "Yeah. What of it?"
"I've thought about it."
"And?"
"And I've made my mind up," Takaya said firmly, though his gaze was still resting nervously on the ground. "I'm going through with it. Screw how Kagetora does things. It's my body, so it's my choice. If I decide to let Naoe do… whatever he wants to do, then Kagetora can just fucking put up with it."
"You are Kagetora," Chiaki pointed out.
"That's not what I mean!"
Chiaki laughed. "I know. So, you're sure?"
"Yeah."
Chiaki shrugged. "Fine. You make your bed, you lie in it."
"Gee, thanks," Takaya said sarcastically. "That's really reassuring."
"That said," Chiaki added nonchalantly, "it's about fucking time one of you did something."
"Hey," Takaya objected. "I'm not--"
"Kagetora? Yes you are, despite the fact that you don't want to admit it." Chiaki paused, smirking. "Besides, even if you weren't? It's still about fucking time."
"Shut up," Takaya muttered sullenly, curling defensively back into his chair.
"Hey. Takaya."
"What?"
"Don't screw this one up."
"… Thanks."
~
"Kagetora-sama," Naoe greeted him on his return.
"Don't you ever get confused?" Takaya asked suddenly, tossing his jacket on the bench as he came over to collapse unceremoniously onto the couch next to Naoe. "Between me and him?"
"Why would I?" Naoe asked reasonably. "You are the same person. Names and memories aside, you are him. You are Kagetora-sama with amnesia. You behave as Kagetora-sama would with amnesia. Similarly, you are Takaya-san. You are you."
"Huh," Takaya said vaguely. He'd known that was what Naoe would say, so he didn't really know why he'd asked. Maybe to ground himself. It was always reassuring to hear someone else say that out loud.
"Was there a reason for that question?"
"Not really," Takaya answered, restlessly pushing to his feet again and pacing about the room, trailing his fingers along shelves and picking things up only to put them down again. Naoe watched him cautiously, as if he were a feral cat that might attack at any given moment.
"Naoe," Takaya said abruptly, putting down the ivory figure he was holding with a sharp tap that punctuated his speaking, "why didn't Kagetora accept your feelings for him?"
Naoe stood automatically, pained by the question and wondering how Takaya could fail to realise that this was dangerous ground.
There was no way he was to know that Takaya was aiming for dangerous ground.
"Takaya-san, I am afraid I do not know the answer to that," Naoe said sharply. "If you'd excuse me, I need to--"
"You're running away again," Takaya interrupted him. "Quit it."
"Do not push me," Naoe bit out. "You should know better than that. If you can't deal with the consequences of your actions--"
"Who says I can't?" Takaya challenged. "Who's the coward here, me or you?"
Steep intake of breath. "Do you understand what you are saying?"
Takaya bared his teeth in a grin. "Try me."
Naoe could feel his hard-won self-control splintering like rotten wood, his voice rising into a barely contained yell. "I am warning you, this is not a game!"
"I never said it was," Takaya said mockingly, walking closer to Naoe until there was less than half a foot between them. "Are you afraid of me, Naoe?"
There was a perfect frozen second before everything exploded into chaos, Naoe slamming Takaya back against the wall and Takaya's vision bursting out in stars when his head cracked into it.
This is just like last time, Takaya thought dizzily, but this time I know what I'm doing.
"You never listen, do you?" Naoe hissed. "I try, but you simply scorn my efforts!"
"You just assume I want your efforts," Takaya choked out. "Maybe I'm sick of you walking on eggshells around me, bastard."
Naoe narrowed his eyes. "Then you can't blame me when I snap, Kagetora-sama. You have a choice: either you let me have my caution, or you deal with what you unleash."
"Just fucking try me," Takaya spat, and before the words were even fully spoken, Naoe had crushed his mouth down on Takaya's in a brutal kiss.
Hah, Takaya thought. I win.
That was, at least, what one of the lower-down levels of his brain was thinking. His overwhelming conscious response was a lot less lucid than that, and involved disjointed adjectives (such as "hot"). The level below that was more concerned with physical directives, telling him urgently to 'open your mouth, you fucking idiot'. Coherent thought was buried so deeply, in fact, that it might as well not have wasted its time occurring.
"I'm not going to be nice," Naoe said hoarsely, eyes flashing. "I'm not going to stop if you change your mind. You should have thought about what you were doing before you did it."
"I did," Takaya gasped, fingers digging into Naoe's shoulders with shock when Naoe bit down on his neck hard enough to bruise. "I'm not… a coward…"
He never heard Naoe's response to that, because then they were kissing again, tongues battling fiercely for dominance. Takaya was hot all over, almost to the point of feeling feverish and ill, so he was actually glad when Naoe pulled his shirt up and started licking and biting at his stomach.
"N-Nao--!"
"It's too late," Naoe breathed against Takaya's over-sensitive skin. "It's too late to change your mind."
"Who the fuck," Takaya growled brokenly, "said I was ch-changing my mind?"
Takaya's voice had jumped nearly an octave when Naoe had yanked his belt open and slipped a hand inside his jeans, fingers scrabbling wildly against the wall futilely for purchase with his head thrown back. "A-aah--"
Takaya's jeans were tugged down. Naoe's mouth suddenly replaced his hand, warmth and wetness and Takaya wondered if this was what it was like to lose your mind. There was nothing to hold onto, not even himself, he was slipping down the wall and
And Naoe's tongue was in his mouth again, scalding hot and tasting like salt, and Naoe's weight was the only thing holding him up.
This was officially a Good Thing, Takaya decided fuzzily. Turning Naoe down before? Bad thing. Stupid thing.
Then again, this was probably the stupidest thing he'd ever done, and he had to say it was one of his best ideas to date.
However, Naoe was still mostly clothed. That was the only negative side to this situation, and it was something Takaya would like to see remedied in the very near future. There was a problem with that, unfortunately. He didn't even have the energy to stand, let alone the motor skills to manipulate buttons.
Mouth, his brain piped up helpfully. You can speak.
"Clothes," Takaya said roughly, breath catching as Naoe's hand tightened against his hip. "Too many. Bad."
Naoe gave him a look that was somewhere bizarre between heated and considering. "You're full of surprises today."
Takaya would have responded to that with one of his usual smart arse comments, but he couldn't remember how, so instead he watched approvingly as Naoe's shirt and trousers bit the dust. Vast improvement.
Soon enough Naoe was pressing him back into the wall again, sucking at his neck, and perversely enough less clothes seemed to equate higher temperature. This should violate universal laws, but Takaya really couldn't care less. Wrapping his arms around Naoe's neck for balance, he hissed as Naoe shoved him harder back into the wall.
"More."
"More… what…?"
"Bastard," Takaya panted. "You know… what I… mean."
Naoe might have pushed the point as a means of frustrating Takaya (anyone who claimed revenge was not sweet was even more deluded than Naoe himself was), but to be quite truthful all his upper brain functions had gone into meltdown and it would have been ultimately self-defeating. "I don't have any--"
"I don't care."
"You haven't… got a clue… what you're doing," Naoe said bluntly between shallow breaths.
"Fuck!" Takaya swore harshly, because Naoe had an unfortunate point but he didn't want to move. He didn't want Naoe to move, either, so reflexively he leaned his weight on Naoe's shoulders long enough to wrap his legs around the other man's hips.
There were logistical difficulties with this, less the issue of support-- Naoe was pushing him back into the wall so hard he didn't need to hold himself up at all-- than with the more important problems like the fact they had no lube.
"Fuck," Takaya said again, only this time it was a direct response to being pressed even closer to Naoe than he had been, rocking instinctually and then crying out between gritted teeth at the friction.
Right, Naoe decided, this was more than good enough for now. Lube and all that it entailed could wait until next time, which with luck and Kagetora not coming to his senses there would be. For now, Naoe was as loathe to delay things as Takaya was, and he made this known by rocking back harder.
Youth and health aside, Takaya was really going to be feeling this tomorrow. Gravity, momentum and Naoe were all that was keeping him up against the wall; his back was going to be bruised after it was all over. Similarly, it would be more surprising if Takaya didn't leave marks on Naoe's skin, his fingers were digging so hard into Naoe's shoulders.
As they said, though: no pain, no gain, and right now neither of them were feeling anything but pleasure building to a crescendo.
Everything exploded again, but into ecstasy this time rather than chaos. Takaya's vision had gone blinding white for a second, and when conscious thought returned, he found that he and Naoe had collapsed into sticky tangled puddle on the floor.
It was getting cold. It was also getting rather uncomfortable, which his legs and back and bite marks were telling him quite vocally. He really couldn't care less.
Takaya cleared his throat, pleased to find he still retained the power of speech. "You know," he said hoarsely, "it's just as well you didn't hang around that other time."
Not following Takaya's train of thought, Naoe raised his head and blinked blearily. "Mm?"
"I mean, if you stayed," Takaya said slowly, "I might have said I did too."
"Did too what?" Naoe asked, utterly mystified amidst his sated smugness.
"Loved you," Takaya muttered in an embarrassed rush. "Which would definitely have led to sex, which would have been bad. I mean, a pier? It'd be fucking cold. And what about splinters? No fucking way. This was a better idea. Okay, back hurts, but no splinters."
Naoe didn't try to follow Takaya's warped train of thought. It wasn't worth it. What was worth it, on the other hand, was figuring out-- eventually, through layers of mental fuzz-- that Takaya was going to hang around.
Maybe there would be a next time after all. Naoe would have to remember to keep the lube on hand, just in case.