Over Him - Chapter 9: No Turning Back
Title: Over Him
Chapter: No Turning Back (9/?)
Pairing: Logan/Carlos
Rating: K-ish
Summary: I keep telling myself that I'm over him, but he still makes my heart skip a beat.
Disclaimer: I own NO rights to BTR... unfortunately.
Author's Note: This story actually came about because kathrynew30 and I were disappointed at the lack of Cargan fics out there. Seriously, it feels like Carlos gets no love in fics. :( Anyway, I really wanted to remedy that but didn't have a plot until my former crush visited me at work and then I tweeted that saying in the summary. Thought about it and decided that it'd be a good starting point and here we are...
I'd like to thank kathrynew30 for telling me to "Stop doing important real life stuff and just write" and enjoying this story so far as well as stoodupforlove for being an amazing beta and sister.
Kendall hears the room door close and knows that James is going to go talk to Logan. The corner of his mouth twitches into a half smile, but that quickly fades when Carlos starts shaking in his arms. Carlos is crying and Kendall pulls him into a tighter embrace.
The complete role reversal that has happened over the past day would have amused Kendall under any other circumstances. James took on Logan's normal role as the calm, level-headed one and Kendall took on Carlos' normal role as the one who can make everything okay with a hug and also as the one who acts before thinking.
Kendall wants this emotional rollercoaster to end, but its two years of stuff that need to be worked through, primarily between Carlos and Logan, but neither seem to want to talk to each other. Kendall isn't going to force the meeting, but is going to learn and do everything he possibly can to make it happen.
Carlos' sobs begin to subside and Kendall takes the opportunity to suggest they move from the bathroom out to the main room. Carlos agrees and they make their way to one of the beds, take seats toward the head of the bed and lean up against the back wall.
They sit in silence for a while, neither knowing how to start. Carlos is staring at the black television when he begins to speak.
"No. I'm sorry, Kendall. Everything that is happening is all my fault. You have every right to be angry. You have every right to blame me."
Kendall blinks way too many times than necessary, surprised that Carlos thinks that he blames him.
"Blame you?"
Still refusing to make eye contact, Carlos responds, "Yeah, isn't that why you and I never really hung out after high school?"
"Carlos, we didn't hang out after high school because you got a scholarship to play hockey over in Indiana. I didn't even know you moved back to Minnesota until two months after the fact and I found out from James…" Kendall pauses, unsure of how to ask the question he'd wanted to ask for so long. He decides that he's just going to ask. "How did you lose your scholarship?"
"I didn't have Logan."
Kendall leans forward enough to position himself in Carlos' line of vision, urging him to elaborate.
Carlos turns his head towards Kendall. "Come on, you know that Logan is the only one who got me to sit and focus long enough to study. Plus, with everything that happened the second half of senior year it was impossible not to think about Logan whenever I opened a book. So my grades fell and I lost my scholarship."
Kendall's eyes widen. "Carlos, why didn't you ever tell James or me how you felt?"
Carlos takes a deep breath and talks to the television again. "Like I told James, I wasn't ready to come out and if I did tell you guys, you'd put two and two together and figure out it was all my fault."
Kendall leans back against the wall. "Honestly, Carlos, I probably would have been angry at you immediately after…" Carlos winces. "… but I would have done everything in my power to help you two fix this. You and Logan are so perfect together."
Carlos' head snaps to look at Kendall. "Really? We're so different. It would never have worked."
Kendall chuckles. "You think too much. It's because you're different that you fit together like a puzzle. You balance each other out. If we had known better, James and I would have spilled the beans back in high school..."
Carlos hangs his head. He's ready for Kendall to add "… and none of this would be happening…" at the end of that sentence.
Kendall notices Carlos' change in demeanor. "That didn't come out the way I meant it."
Carlos pulls his knees to his chest and wraps his arms around his knees, eyes focused on a random wrinkle in the sheet.
Kendall searches for words. "Carlos, you weren't ready and I understand that. I'm not blaming you for anything. I just wonder why you are still living this lie."
"Why bother coming out, when I know that I have already lost the one I truly love? I will never find anyone like Logan."
Kendall sighs. He puts his arms around Carlos' shoulders and Carlos rests his head on Kendall's shoulder.
"I wasn't lying to you. Logan still loves you, but I won't sugarcoat it for you. You really had an effect on him. Around this time last year, Logan had a panic attack because he saw someone who looked like you. James and I came to visit and we saw Logan torn between fear and hope. These are the same emotions that I see in him now, but it's stronger this time because it is you he saw. Knowing that you're in the same area has forced him to relive that night and is forcing him to say no to talking to you."
Carlos tenses up, slowly nods his head in understanding.
Kendall shifts to make eye contact with Carlos. "Again, I'm not accusing you of anything. I'm just telling you that it's your move. It always has been."
Carlos relaxes a bit and his eyes widen in understanding. "So what you're saying is that I need to reach out to Logan?"
"Exactly." Kendall responds with a twinkle in his eye.
"I don't think I can."
"You never know until you do. Can I help a bit with that? I'll call James, he's with Logan right now."
Carlos looks at Kendall questioningly and then looks about the room. He just now realizes that James is gone.
"Your first conversation doesn't have to be face to face or even alone. I'll be right here with you. Can you at least do that?"
Carlos hesitates, but eventually agrees.
Kendall smiles, pulls out his phone, and dials James' number.
"It's ringing," he tells Carlos.
Carlos smiles nervously, "No turning back now, I guess."
Chapter: No Turning Back (9/?)
Pairing: Logan/Carlos
Rating: K-ish
Summary: I keep telling myself that I'm over him, but he still makes my heart skip a beat.
Disclaimer: I own NO rights to BTR... unfortunately.
Author's Note: This story actually came about because kathrynew30 and I were disappointed at the lack of Cargan fics out there. Seriously, it feels like Carlos gets no love in fics. :( Anyway, I really wanted to remedy that but didn't have a plot until my former crush visited me at work and then I tweeted that saying in the summary. Thought about it and decided that it'd be a good starting point and here we are...
I'd like to thank kathrynew30 for telling me to "Stop doing important real life stuff and just write" and enjoying this story so far as well as stoodupforlove for being an amazing beta and sister.
Kendall hears the room door close and knows that James is going to go talk to Logan. The corner of his mouth twitches into a half smile, but that quickly fades when Carlos starts shaking in his arms. Carlos is crying and Kendall pulls him into a tighter embrace.
The complete role reversal that has happened over the past day would have amused Kendall under any other circumstances. James took on Logan's normal role as the calm, level-headed one and Kendall took on Carlos' normal role as the one who can make everything okay with a hug and also as the one who acts before thinking.
Kendall wants this emotional rollercoaster to end, but its two years of stuff that need to be worked through, primarily between Carlos and Logan, but neither seem to want to talk to each other. Kendall isn't going to force the meeting, but is going to learn and do everything he possibly can to make it happen.
Carlos' sobs begin to subside and Kendall takes the opportunity to suggest they move from the bathroom out to the main room. Carlos agrees and they make their way to one of the beds, take seats toward the head of the bed and lean up against the back wall.
They sit in silence for a while, neither knowing how to start. Carlos is staring at the black television when he begins to speak.
"No. I'm sorry, Kendall. Everything that is happening is all my fault. You have every right to be angry. You have every right to blame me."
Kendall blinks way too many times than necessary, surprised that Carlos thinks that he blames him.
"Blame you?"
Still refusing to make eye contact, Carlos responds, "Yeah, isn't that why you and I never really hung out after high school?"
"Carlos, we didn't hang out after high school because you got a scholarship to play hockey over in Indiana. I didn't even know you moved back to Minnesota until two months after the fact and I found out from James…" Kendall pauses, unsure of how to ask the question he'd wanted to ask for so long. He decides that he's just going to ask. "How did you lose your scholarship?"
"I didn't have Logan."
Kendall leans forward enough to position himself in Carlos' line of vision, urging him to elaborate.
Carlos turns his head towards Kendall. "Come on, you know that Logan is the only one who got me to sit and focus long enough to study. Plus, with everything that happened the second half of senior year it was impossible not to think about Logan whenever I opened a book. So my grades fell and I lost my scholarship."
Kendall's eyes widen. "Carlos, why didn't you ever tell James or me how you felt?"
Carlos takes a deep breath and talks to the television again. "Like I told James, I wasn't ready to come out and if I did tell you guys, you'd put two and two together and figure out it was all my fault."
Kendall leans back against the wall. "Honestly, Carlos, I probably would have been angry at you immediately after…" Carlos winces. "… but I would have done everything in my power to help you two fix this. You and Logan are so perfect together."
Carlos' head snaps to look at Kendall. "Really? We're so different. It would never have worked."
Kendall chuckles. "You think too much. It's because you're different that you fit together like a puzzle. You balance each other out. If we had known better, James and I would have spilled the beans back in high school..."
Carlos hangs his head. He's ready for Kendall to add "… and none of this would be happening…" at the end of that sentence.
Kendall notices Carlos' change in demeanor. "That didn't come out the way I meant it."
Carlos pulls his knees to his chest and wraps his arms around his knees, eyes focused on a random wrinkle in the sheet.
Kendall searches for words. "Carlos, you weren't ready and I understand that. I'm not blaming you for anything. I just wonder why you are still living this lie."
"Why bother coming out, when I know that I have already lost the one I truly love? I will never find anyone like Logan."
Kendall sighs. He puts his arms around Carlos' shoulders and Carlos rests his head on Kendall's shoulder.
"I wasn't lying to you. Logan still loves you, but I won't sugarcoat it for you. You really had an effect on him. Around this time last year, Logan had a panic attack because he saw someone who looked like you. James and I came to visit and we saw Logan torn between fear and hope. These are the same emotions that I see in him now, but it's stronger this time because it is you he saw. Knowing that you're in the same area has forced him to relive that night and is forcing him to say no to talking to you."
Carlos tenses up, slowly nods his head in understanding.
Kendall shifts to make eye contact with Carlos. "Again, I'm not accusing you of anything. I'm just telling you that it's your move. It always has been."
Carlos relaxes a bit and his eyes widen in understanding. "So what you're saying is that I need to reach out to Logan?"
"Exactly." Kendall responds with a twinkle in his eye.
"I don't think I can."
"You never know until you do. Can I help a bit with that? I'll call James, he's with Logan right now."
Carlos looks at Kendall questioningly and then looks about the room. He just now realizes that James is gone.
"Your first conversation doesn't have to be face to face or even alone. I'll be right here with you. Can you at least do that?"
Carlos hesitates, but eventually agrees.
Kendall smiles, pulls out his phone, and dials James' number.
"It's ringing," he tells Carlos.
Carlos smiles nervously, "No turning back now, I guess."