Belief 1/1 (Sin-Verse part 3)
Belief
Pairing: J2
Rating: NC17
Words: 2,250
Disclaimer: Pure and utter fiction... again!
Warnings: dub-con, religious themes, priest Jensen/KightTemplar Jared, m/m sex, violence, self-castigation, mild asphyxiation kink, blasphemy, minor character death (not J2)
~ part three of the Sin-verse ~
Summary: “I thought I wouldn't make it back, that I would die a sinner.”... [ Sequel to Sin and Guilt]
“I thought I wouldn't make it back, that I would die a sinner.” The words were barely a whisper of hot air against Jensen's ear almost overpowered by the rasp of his own breathing as the heavy chain bit into his neck. A large hand was wrapped around the cross on it's end pulling it taut and making his breathing harder.
He swallowed, Adam's apple barely moving down past the choking iron rings, and tried to remember where in the rosary prayer he had stopped mumbling the words. It was impossible to tell, so he picked the last line he could remember.
“Domine Iesu, dimitte nobis debita nostra, salva nos ab igne inferiori, perduc in cælum omnes animas, præsertim eas, quæ misericordiæ tuæ maxime indigent...”
There was an arm wrapped around his hips where the black robes of his profession gathered up. He flinched at the sting and burn he hadn't felt in the three months that Jared and his brothers at arms had been gone to carry the fire of salvation to the heathen.
Pressing his eyes closed Jensen choked out a sob before he could hear his own voice, hoarse and shaky over the panting of the man pressed up behind him and the drum beats of his own heart.
“... Eia ergo, advocata nostra, illos tuos misericordes oculos ad nos converte: et Iesum, benedictum fructum ventris tui, nobis post hoc exsilium ostende...”
Jared was relentless and at the next push Jensen tried to pull away from the pain but was stopped by a firm grip. He could feel the rough shave on the Knight Templar's chin chaffe against his cheek as the man only held him even tighter.
“Don't you fight me, Jensen... not you as well.” It was a plea as much as an order and Jensen forced his body to relax letting his head lean back against the knights shoulder. He could smell the travel on Jared's clothes, the odors of horse and man mixing with dust and slowly rusting iron, and the priest let himself fall. He knew Jared needed this, maybe more than ever before. It had been a long time and when he had seen the knight today, Jensen could see the weariness and despair in the young man.
His voice faltered for a moment when the pull off the chain around his neck got too strong and something inside him sparked at the sharp push of Jared's hips. He could feel himself stir in the jumble of robes around him but he concentrated on his prayer instead as soon as the hand around the cross eased up enough for him to draw a shaky breath. This wasn't about him.
“... Deus, cujus Unigenitus, per vitam, mortem et resurrectionem suam nobis salutis æternæ præmia comparavit: concede, quæsumus...” The rosary in his left almost slipped from his fingers for the umpteenth time.
The rest of the prayer fell from his lips without his conscious mind having any part of it. His breath and voice stuttered and the words were probably unintelligible but then Jared pushed as deep as he could with one sharp movement of his hips and stilled, hands holding Jensen tightly to him.
“Amen”, the knights voice whispered against Jensen's cheek and he echoed the word obediently.
He was out of breath and the rosary slipped to the stone floor with a light jingling sound as Jared stayed pressed up against Jensen's back as if unable or unwilling to see them part yet. Sudden steps, fast and heavy, sounded and Jared was jerked backwards so fast that Jensen hissed at their rough parting. A shadow fell over where he was kneeling on the ground and he turned horrified to see the form of a man standing over them with a face contorted by anger and disgust.
“Sodomy!” he hissed out sounding like a furious snake and Jensen scrambled to his feet quickly pulling the black robes Jared had pushed up to his hips down once more.
The man's clothes were similar to Jared's identifying him as one onf the Knights Templar. Jensen had seen him before but his mind was blank from shock and fear and no name would come to him.
“In the house of the Lord! You swore an oath... filthy!” Jared stepped close to Jensen and the priest couldn't help thinking that this would be the last time they would be touching because death would come on swift feet for what they had done.
It seemed to be even faster than he thought when the angry knight pulled his longsword from the scabbard and swung it at Jared with a vicious cry. Not knowing why he did it Jensen stepped in front of Jared with his arms spread in a protective manner that would probably doo little against the sword coming for his life. He pressed his eyes closed and waited for his end.
Warm wetness splattered across his face and a pressure against his chest pulled him backwards. There was no pain and he thought for a moment that the Lord was merciful to not make him suffer but then he opened his eyes and found the form of their assailant lying in front of him. His blood had splattered far enough to taint the white and gold cloth of the altar that stood several yards away.
Jensen blinked and only then noticed that he was sitting on his knees once more while an arm was tightly wound around his chest pressing him against Jared who was squatting behind him with a bloodied sword still in hand.
“You... you killed him.”
There was shouting outside and footsteps could be heard as several people were running towards the church probably alarmed by the shouting of only a few seconds ago.
“Forgive me father for I have sinned. My last confession was several months ago.” Jared was speaking in a low whisper right next to Jensen's ear. His words were hasted, so fast that Jensen had problems understanding them. “I have done evil in the name of my Lord. I have pulled those who help me into the darkness and broken my oath with another man... and I have killed. My hand cut rashly and for my own selfish reasons. Can you forgive me?”
The taste of coppery blood on Jensen's tongue made him want to retch but he swallowed it down in order to fulfil his duties. “You know the penance you must pay for these sins. You are forgiven.”
He was barely done absolving Jared's guilt when several knights came running at a hasty sprint eyes wide and swords in hand.
“What happened?” the first of them asked, eyes jumping back and forth on the grotesque scene.
Jared stood up leaving Jensen sitting on the ground and feeling suddenly terribly cold. “It was insane... I think the devil had hold of him. He tried to slay the priest screaming obscenities. He attacked him and I cut him down. I'm sorry, I know I should have tried to stop him without killing him but my sword moved without thinking.”
Jensen's eyes didn't leave Jared as he told his story. It wasn't true but Jensen was struck mute from the shock of what had just happened.
“Is that true? Did he attack you?”
Two knights grabbed Jensen and picked him up so he was standing on his own two feet again. One of them seemed to notice the bruises on Jensen's neck where the chain had bitten into flesh not long ago brushing away the blood that had spilled all over Jensen to make the bruises visible to the other knights.
Jensen swallowed repeating the question in his mind. Did the knight attack him? If Jared hadn't cut the man down like he had, Jensen would be dead now. “Yes. His sword was about to cut me in half,” Jensen answered hoping he could ever be forgiven for this. He couldn't tell them about anything concerning Jared since he was bound by the secrecy of confession. At least one of them had kept his calm in this situation, it seemed.
The knights looked at each other sighing deeply. “The battle of light can break people, make them vulnerable to the dark forces of Satan,” one of the men said looking at the dead body on the ground with a deep frown.
Jensen was still stunned when Jared lead him away from the church and back to his chambers. They didn't say a single word until the door was closed and even then Jared was silent as he grabbed a piece of cloth to soak up some water from the bowl Jensen had filled that morning to run it over the priest's face cleaning up the blood that started to dry there.
“He should have killed us,” Jensen said as guilt ran deep inside of him.
“No. If the Lord wanted us to die for our sins, he would have made my arm slower today.” Jared said that with a calm face sounding a lot more composed than Jensen would have expected. “I didn't even think before striking him down. He was about to kill you and somehow I just couldn't let that happen, Jensen. You're the only light in my world. I'd be lost without you and God made my arm stronger today.”
Jared dropped the dirty cloth carelessly to frame Jensen's face with his hands fingertips pushing through light brown hair. “I need you to believe that.”
He could see that. Jared's conviction was strong but it had been depending on Jensen's for a long time now. If Jensen didn't have Jared's back all of this would crumble into dust. So the priest nodded. “I do.”
They had been placed together in this for a reason, he had to believe that. They both did. Because if that wasn't the case...
“I have to leave now.”
For a second Jensen wondered why Jared sounded apologetic saying that. Then he noticed his fingers had taken a gripping hold of the knights sleeves clinging to the arms that still held his head. He swallowed berating himself for such weakness and forced his cramping hands to relax and let go of the man's clothing. His fingers were trembling and he balled them into fists nodding.
“I'm glad you're alright,” Jared whispered before leaning down and placing his chapped lips against Jensen's for a second hands ensuring that Jensen couldn't pull away.
The priest's eyes slipped closed as the knight's image blurred from the proximity and he didn't open them even as the hold on him went away and he could hear the footsteps of Jared departing.
It didn't take more than a few minutes of Jensen praying for the redemption of their immortal souls until a knock sounded and he called for them to come in without getting up from his kneeling position underneath the small wooden cross hanging on his wall. He was glad he hadn't finished his praying yet to start with the real penance. That he wouldn't have disturbed.
“Father?”
Jensen always found it odd to be called that by somebody older than himself. The man entering was old enough to be his father but he simply nodded and rose after all. He shouldn't be rude to the commander of the knights.
“Yes?”
“I wanted to apologize for what my man tried to do, father.” The old knight's voice wasn't very apologetic but Jensen didn't need excuses for something that had been his fault to begin with. Of course he didn't say that, instead simply smiled in appreciation.
“Thank you. But that's not necessary.”
The man grunted looking around the bare chambers. “It was God's mercy that he lent you Jared's arm for protection.” His eyes went back to Jensen. “You do good work guiding the boy. He was distraught when he first came here. But he is one of the best knights I have, a great fighter and a strong spirit.”
“I am very glad to hear that,” Jensen answered feeling the need to say something.
“The path of a Knight Templar is dark, transgressions occur regularly. Jared is one of very few who never oversteps, who seems immune to the need of the flesh. Whatever you say to him has strong effects on him. I hope you will continue to do so, father.”
Jensen swallowed. He had heard what some of the knights would do to women and girls after a victory. To hear that Jared did nit transgress made him oddly proud. “I will as long as the Lord will let me.”
“Good.”
The commander of the knights left as unexpectedly as he had come and Jensen wondered if this had been God's message to him telling him that what he did was good. If their actions would make Jared's hand steady and his mind strong there had to be something right about it.
With a smile Jensen knelt back down to pull out his scourge. He needed to go on and for that he needed to be clean once more. It didn't hurt so much this time... or maybe he had found purpose in the pain.
*
Pairing: J2
Rating: NC17
Words: 2,250
Disclaimer: Pure and utter fiction... again!
Warnings: dub-con, religious themes, priest Jensen/KightTemplar Jared, m/m sex, violence, self-castigation, mild asphyxiation kink, blasphemy, minor character death (not J2)
~ part three of the Sin-verse ~
Summary: “I thought I wouldn't make it back, that I would die a sinner.”... [ Sequel to Sin and Guilt]
“I thought I wouldn't make it back, that I would die a sinner.” The words were barely a whisper of hot air against Jensen's ear almost overpowered by the rasp of his own breathing as the heavy chain bit into his neck. A large hand was wrapped around the cross on it's end pulling it taut and making his breathing harder.
He swallowed, Adam's apple barely moving down past the choking iron rings, and tried to remember where in the rosary prayer he had stopped mumbling the words. It was impossible to tell, so he picked the last line he could remember.
“Domine Iesu, dimitte nobis debita nostra, salva nos ab igne inferiori, perduc in cælum omnes animas, præsertim eas, quæ misericordiæ tuæ maxime indigent...”
There was an arm wrapped around his hips where the black robes of his profession gathered up. He flinched at the sting and burn he hadn't felt in the three months that Jared and his brothers at arms had been gone to carry the fire of salvation to the heathen.
Pressing his eyes closed Jensen choked out a sob before he could hear his own voice, hoarse and shaky over the panting of the man pressed up behind him and the drum beats of his own heart.
“... Eia ergo, advocata nostra, illos tuos misericordes oculos ad nos converte: et Iesum, benedictum fructum ventris tui, nobis post hoc exsilium ostende...”
Jared was relentless and at the next push Jensen tried to pull away from the pain but was stopped by a firm grip. He could feel the rough shave on the Knight Templar's chin chaffe against his cheek as the man only held him even tighter.
“Don't you fight me, Jensen... not you as well.” It was a plea as much as an order and Jensen forced his body to relax letting his head lean back against the knights shoulder. He could smell the travel on Jared's clothes, the odors of horse and man mixing with dust and slowly rusting iron, and the priest let himself fall. He knew Jared needed this, maybe more than ever before. It had been a long time and when he had seen the knight today, Jensen could see the weariness and despair in the young man.
His voice faltered for a moment when the pull off the chain around his neck got too strong and something inside him sparked at the sharp push of Jared's hips. He could feel himself stir in the jumble of robes around him but he concentrated on his prayer instead as soon as the hand around the cross eased up enough for him to draw a shaky breath. This wasn't about him.
“... Deus, cujus Unigenitus, per vitam, mortem et resurrectionem suam nobis salutis æternæ præmia comparavit: concede, quæsumus...” The rosary in his left almost slipped from his fingers for the umpteenth time.
The rest of the prayer fell from his lips without his conscious mind having any part of it. His breath and voice stuttered and the words were probably unintelligible but then Jared pushed as deep as he could with one sharp movement of his hips and stilled, hands holding Jensen tightly to him.
“Amen”, the knights voice whispered against Jensen's cheek and he echoed the word obediently.
He was out of breath and the rosary slipped to the stone floor with a light jingling sound as Jared stayed pressed up against Jensen's back as if unable or unwilling to see them part yet. Sudden steps, fast and heavy, sounded and Jared was jerked backwards so fast that Jensen hissed at their rough parting. A shadow fell over where he was kneeling on the ground and he turned horrified to see the form of a man standing over them with a face contorted by anger and disgust.
“Sodomy!” he hissed out sounding like a furious snake and Jensen scrambled to his feet quickly pulling the black robes Jared had pushed up to his hips down once more.
The man's clothes were similar to Jared's identifying him as one onf the Knights Templar. Jensen had seen him before but his mind was blank from shock and fear and no name would come to him.
“In the house of the Lord! You swore an oath... filthy!” Jared stepped close to Jensen and the priest couldn't help thinking that this would be the last time they would be touching because death would come on swift feet for what they had done.
It seemed to be even faster than he thought when the angry knight pulled his longsword from the scabbard and swung it at Jared with a vicious cry. Not knowing why he did it Jensen stepped in front of Jared with his arms spread in a protective manner that would probably doo little against the sword coming for his life. He pressed his eyes closed and waited for his end.
Warm wetness splattered across his face and a pressure against his chest pulled him backwards. There was no pain and he thought for a moment that the Lord was merciful to not make him suffer but then he opened his eyes and found the form of their assailant lying in front of him. His blood had splattered far enough to taint the white and gold cloth of the altar that stood several yards away.
Jensen blinked and only then noticed that he was sitting on his knees once more while an arm was tightly wound around his chest pressing him against Jared who was squatting behind him with a bloodied sword still in hand.
“You... you killed him.”
There was shouting outside and footsteps could be heard as several people were running towards the church probably alarmed by the shouting of only a few seconds ago.
“Forgive me father for I have sinned. My last confession was several months ago.” Jared was speaking in a low whisper right next to Jensen's ear. His words were hasted, so fast that Jensen had problems understanding them. “I have done evil in the name of my Lord. I have pulled those who help me into the darkness and broken my oath with another man... and I have killed. My hand cut rashly and for my own selfish reasons. Can you forgive me?”
The taste of coppery blood on Jensen's tongue made him want to retch but he swallowed it down in order to fulfil his duties. “You know the penance you must pay for these sins. You are forgiven.”
He was barely done absolving Jared's guilt when several knights came running at a hasty sprint eyes wide and swords in hand.
“What happened?” the first of them asked, eyes jumping back and forth on the grotesque scene.
Jared stood up leaving Jensen sitting on the ground and feeling suddenly terribly cold. “It was insane... I think the devil had hold of him. He tried to slay the priest screaming obscenities. He attacked him and I cut him down. I'm sorry, I know I should have tried to stop him without killing him but my sword moved without thinking.”
Jensen's eyes didn't leave Jared as he told his story. It wasn't true but Jensen was struck mute from the shock of what had just happened.
“Is that true? Did he attack you?”
Two knights grabbed Jensen and picked him up so he was standing on his own two feet again. One of them seemed to notice the bruises on Jensen's neck where the chain had bitten into flesh not long ago brushing away the blood that had spilled all over Jensen to make the bruises visible to the other knights.
Jensen swallowed repeating the question in his mind. Did the knight attack him? If Jared hadn't cut the man down like he had, Jensen would be dead now. “Yes. His sword was about to cut me in half,” Jensen answered hoping he could ever be forgiven for this. He couldn't tell them about anything concerning Jared since he was bound by the secrecy of confession. At least one of them had kept his calm in this situation, it seemed.
The knights looked at each other sighing deeply. “The battle of light can break people, make them vulnerable to the dark forces of Satan,” one of the men said looking at the dead body on the ground with a deep frown.
Jensen was still stunned when Jared lead him away from the church and back to his chambers. They didn't say a single word until the door was closed and even then Jared was silent as he grabbed a piece of cloth to soak up some water from the bowl Jensen had filled that morning to run it over the priest's face cleaning up the blood that started to dry there.
“He should have killed us,” Jensen said as guilt ran deep inside of him.
“No. If the Lord wanted us to die for our sins, he would have made my arm slower today.” Jared said that with a calm face sounding a lot more composed than Jensen would have expected. “I didn't even think before striking him down. He was about to kill you and somehow I just couldn't let that happen, Jensen. You're the only light in my world. I'd be lost without you and God made my arm stronger today.”
Jared dropped the dirty cloth carelessly to frame Jensen's face with his hands fingertips pushing through light brown hair. “I need you to believe that.”
He could see that. Jared's conviction was strong but it had been depending on Jensen's for a long time now. If Jensen didn't have Jared's back all of this would crumble into dust. So the priest nodded. “I do.”
They had been placed together in this for a reason, he had to believe that. They both did. Because if that wasn't the case...
“I have to leave now.”
For a second Jensen wondered why Jared sounded apologetic saying that. Then he noticed his fingers had taken a gripping hold of the knights sleeves clinging to the arms that still held his head. He swallowed berating himself for such weakness and forced his cramping hands to relax and let go of the man's clothing. His fingers were trembling and he balled them into fists nodding.
“I'm glad you're alright,” Jared whispered before leaning down and placing his chapped lips against Jensen's for a second hands ensuring that Jensen couldn't pull away.
The priest's eyes slipped closed as the knight's image blurred from the proximity and he didn't open them even as the hold on him went away and he could hear the footsteps of Jared departing.
It didn't take more than a few minutes of Jensen praying for the redemption of their immortal souls until a knock sounded and he called for them to come in without getting up from his kneeling position underneath the small wooden cross hanging on his wall. He was glad he hadn't finished his praying yet to start with the real penance. That he wouldn't have disturbed.
“Father?”
Jensen always found it odd to be called that by somebody older than himself. The man entering was old enough to be his father but he simply nodded and rose after all. He shouldn't be rude to the commander of the knights.
“Yes?”
“I wanted to apologize for what my man tried to do, father.” The old knight's voice wasn't very apologetic but Jensen didn't need excuses for something that had been his fault to begin with. Of course he didn't say that, instead simply smiled in appreciation.
“Thank you. But that's not necessary.”
The man grunted looking around the bare chambers. “It was God's mercy that he lent you Jared's arm for protection.” His eyes went back to Jensen. “You do good work guiding the boy. He was distraught when he first came here. But he is one of the best knights I have, a great fighter and a strong spirit.”
“I am very glad to hear that,” Jensen answered feeling the need to say something.
“The path of a Knight Templar is dark, transgressions occur regularly. Jared is one of very few who never oversteps, who seems immune to the need of the flesh. Whatever you say to him has strong effects on him. I hope you will continue to do so, father.”
Jensen swallowed. He had heard what some of the knights would do to women and girls after a victory. To hear that Jared did nit transgress made him oddly proud. “I will as long as the Lord will let me.”
“Good.”
The commander of the knights left as unexpectedly as he had come and Jensen wondered if this had been God's message to him telling him that what he did was good. If their actions would make Jared's hand steady and his mind strong there had to be something right about it.
With a smile Jensen knelt back down to pull out his scourge. He needed to go on and for that he needed to be clean once more. It didn't hurt so much this time... or maybe he had found purpose in the pain.
*