living dead girl
I'm exhausted. I'm not surprised. I usually feel this dead after a weekend of dealing with people. Dealing with people. Jesus. There was an undefined point in my life were I fed off of people. I got energy from being friends with them and loving them, and the mutual respect we had for each other. I trusted them. I really did. I would trust people so much that I would lose myself in them. I would wade further and further into life with them, until I was over my head and lost when they weren't around. I was depressed, and I hated life alone.
Sadly, that's not the case anymore. I no longer view others in the sense that I need and should totally immerse in them. I enjoy my alone time now. I view others, more in the sense that I love being around them, enjoying experiences, and over all enriching each others lifes through their presence. It's not about sexual experiences, though it's fun to discuss them. It's not about parties, though it's fun to have them. It's not about what car you drive, though the faster the better. I don't know where the turning point was but somewhere along the lines I stopped caring about what I did with a person, and started caring more about what fulfillment I get from them.
Now I guess the assumtion that I make with this is by sharing my opinions, hopes, dreams, and emotions that whomever I'm with will get some fulfillment in return. I'm not entirely selfish in the means of seeking fulfillment, I do hope that other people get something from spending time with me as well, but I'm wrong, sadly. There are so many -people in a general sense, I do realize that there are good people in the world- people who don't think about the fulfillment, and only think about what they get from you, whether it be your body, your money, or your mind, regardless of whether they give they only care about what they receive. When you have a problem with it, it's your fault, and you are the one to blame for wanting more. It's not their responsibility to help you. I'm a bad person for expecting more from someone.
To this I simply laugh and move on, after arguements and disagreements on the subject of wanting and expecting more from people, I no longer am friends with people that said they would always be there. I'm saddened slightly by this, but I realize though, that even after what they tell me, the fault is only partially mine, but who would I be if I didn't try to get the most out of everyone I meet. Not in the sense of receiving, because I don't need anymore junk. In the sense, of expecting you to be the best friend that you are, and being disappointed and angry when you lie, because you really aren't my best friend. You're not even my friend. You're a fuck.
Maybe it's a generational thing. Maybe it's the problem of our generation to hate it when someone expects something from us, and we're not getting payed for it. I always thought the goal in life was to be a great person, not make shit loads of money. I thought the point was to love and to laugh. I thought the point was to surround yourself with people that mean something to you, and you know you mean something to them. Be around people you trust. Do things that you love doing, that make you feel like an enriched fulfilled person, because if you don't take enjoyment out of the things you do, what's the point of being alive?
I've had the words Depressive, Bi-polar, and Anxious thrown in my face many times during the time of this "self discovery". Because everyone has their ups, and everyone has their downs, but the only thing anyone ever wants to deal with is your ups, and you pulling someone to be up with you. No one wants to deal with the downs, so we medicate and isolate. I'm not these things. I can say with certainty that I have been at one point in time utterly and hopelessly depressed, but then I will bring up the point that Katie tells me all the time, "Who the hell hasn't been?"
We're so quick to judge, but I guess the only thing I really want to ask is, we're all lost, do we really have to make it harder on one another when we're on the road to being found? Life is hard enough as it is, do you really have to make a person feel like they are less then they are simply because we're not happy with the honesty they show by not hiding their ups or their downs? When you walk down the street how will you answer the "how are you?" question people half-heartedly ask? Just because I choose to answer shit, when I feel like shit, doesn't make me any less human.