any way u want it, thats the way u need it
I’m SO paranoid of getting hurt. I’m getting my heart broken over and over. My heart has SO many scars and bruises all over it. I DON’T know how much just one heart can take really, and i don’t really want to find out either
The ostentatious thing about depression, is the physical side effects aside from the face that in your head you already feel like shit, you start to feel that way in your body as well. I think it gets to a point were one thing effects another. You feel insatiable hunger. You eat yet you are not satisfied. You are full yet you are still hungry. The same goes with sleep. Horridly tired, yet awake. Unable to sleep, yet unable to wake. The wish to go outside, yet the will to stay in bed. Wanting to go run a million miles, motivation to love the computer that you sit at. This lathargic feeling that hangs in the air is contangeous. You feel bad for making others feel better, but have neither the care nor the will to make themselves better or open a window to make the air clean. You brush your teeth but there is still a stale taste in your mouth. How do you cure something when you don't care to get out of bed in the morning? Societies view is to drug yourself up to the point that you numb yourself to the pain, and darkness that lingers. Some's view is to embrass it, write it, sing it, love it, live it, share it, with others that feel the same and we will all wallow in this crevice in our minds in which we all secretly hate everything about life. How do you just make it... go away?
I have this half empty half full feeling going on inside of me. It's like I am totally happy to be alive, to be ... me... and at the same time I just hate every thing. I hate every facet of my life, and every person in it, every person that has affected it, including myself. what's wrong with me?
..its been days and days since ive seen ur face, weeks since ive heard ur voice months since i felt that feeling. Its just you. You know...youve changed me completely. 18 years of living this life and its the same old thing everyday and the same old people all the time. People who could care less about each other its like a cutthroat type thing. Its like nobody cares if ur happy as long as other people are happy then its ok. After all these 18 years ive never met anyone thats changed me like you have. Youve completed me in so many ways. You were the best friend that ive always wanted. I never wanted anything other then you. I never wanted anything to happen between us. We were so close that i guess i could call u my best friend. Yeah more than best friends we were inseperable, like peanut butter without the jelly, one isnt good without the other..there was something about you that was different then anyone else. You know that perfect guy that everyone always wishes they could have and be with--that guy that everyone always wants--that was you. Just people didnt know u like i did-they just thought u were some crazy kid with a big attitude and a huge drug problem but u definetly werent...its like, no one knows you like i do, and i dont want them to because then every girl would want you. Your absolutely the sweetest thing and u have a heart of gold. you care about everyone except urself and the people u love the most. its hard for u to open up at first but once u become attached theres no letting go. You were the person when i had to tell someone something you were the first one to call. Number 1 speed dial on my cell phone. When something was wrong u were the only person who could make it right, u always gave me advice on what to do in those times when i couldnt tihnk for myself, you were sort of like my second brain. You helped me make the right choice when i didnt know what to do. we had so many laughs together in such a short amount of time then anyone could imagine. This year when it seemed like everything was going downhill u were right there. You didnt care how dumb u looked with me right there. you were my best friend and the best thing that ever happened to me. 3 months is a short time. and about 3 months ago i met u...we became so close so fast. i trusted u and u trusted me. it was the normal. i called at 10pm b4 we went to bed and u called the second u got home form school...u no get out all our thoughts and and to talk about what we were doing for the rest of the day. the weekends we barely ever spent..u no u were the person the only person i could talk to for hours on the phone and never ever get bored or annoyed with you. Then things started getting to be different i dont know what happened it just did. losing someone that means the world to me has been one of the hardest things ive ever had to do.. You meant the whole world to me. I would trade everything just to have u as a friend again. You seriously meant that much to me. Our stupid little fights were always a test of our friendship, which we always passed without a problem. We couldnt go very long without speaking to each other...that was like nailing jello to a tree...pretty impossible it feels like i had u to hold onto when icouldnt stand. Then i was dropped right on my ass. To stand by myself faster than i could think. The stupidest thing tore us apart-it wasnt you-it was me. I know its really not my fault but everything looks like i am the wrong one. I should have trusted you and not made a big deal about it. How could i be so stupid? You dont know what ive been thro by myself. I cant do it anymore becaues i need u and i know i do. Its been long since ive smiled. and been forever since ive laughed with u. I want to say goodbye so bad. but ill come back and i kno i will. I dont want it to end on a bad note because that would be horrible if anything would ever happen to u. i dont know whats going thro ur head. i wish i knew what i could do to make things different. so i didnt feel this way adn i wish i wasnt so alone. I need u and im sorry. there are so many times i look for help. my friends arent home and i dial ur number but i never let it send. bz im afraid of what ull say...i just want u to pick up and listen to what i have to say. i cant sum everything down to a couple simple words bz how i feel i cant even begin to descrive. I feel so many diff tihngs but most of all im hurt and scared. Im scared bz im lost without u. its been so hard waking up day after day knowing that im living another day w/o u. it mite sound insane but u were the only thing that kept me smiling when i wanted to cry. ive tried so hard to replace u these past weeks, so maybe i could move on. ive tried having a boyfriend, that didint work, i called him ur name too many times. Ive tried completely erasing ur number, ur pictures, ur screen name, everything but theres nothing that will erase the memories ive shared with u, a memory lasts forever and i can guarantee ill never forget u... all my friends sit here anda tell me to get over u, that ur not worth my time, and that i could do so much better than u, i dont need u...First of all, its not as easy as they think. They dont know u. Second of all, i dont regret one minute ive spent with u, thinking about u, or talking about u. I cant do better than u bz ur perfect to me. when ppl watch movies or say things or even eat things that remind me of u i get all quiet and sad. Everyday i sit there and wonder what ur doing. Ive become very confidental with everything in my life. I dont want ppl to know. somedays i just sit at home upset with with world bz i dont want to go out and have fun w/anyone except u...i make up dumb excuses so it seems like im not allowed to go. ive sat and cried for hours and hour about u. its come to a point where some of my friends call daily just to check in on how im doing with the whole you thing. I miss u. i really do. The other day i drove past ur house and just stopped and stared. Theres so many memories that just rush into my head. There are pictures on my walls of us together, smiling and happy...that i just stare at for hours before i go to bed. i miss u and im sorry. I would give up EVERYTHING i own, just 2 have u. youve made me into who i am and i dont want to change i want to be with u as ur friend forever. if forever is to much, then jsut for a day, bz maybe in that day u could realize how much i love u. but wishes dont come true and the chances of that happening are slim, but in the end of it all..remember when u said u dont break promises? u promies me we'd be best friends.....forever.
i wrote that to a certain someone. i know we still talk and we're still tight but its hard to be around him when all i want is to be his. i miss him...
The ostentatious thing about depression, is the physical side effects aside from the face that in your head you already feel like shit, you start to feel that way in your body as well. I think it gets to a point were one thing effects another. You feel insatiable hunger. You eat yet you are not satisfied. You are full yet you are still hungry. The same goes with sleep. Horridly tired, yet awake. Unable to sleep, yet unable to wake. The wish to go outside, yet the will to stay in bed. Wanting to go run a million miles, motivation to love the computer that you sit at. This lathargic feeling that hangs in the air is contangeous. You feel bad for making others feel better, but have neither the care nor the will to make themselves better or open a window to make the air clean. You brush your teeth but there is still a stale taste in your mouth. How do you cure something when you don't care to get out of bed in the morning? Societies view is to drug yourself up to the point that you numb yourself to the pain, and darkness that lingers. Some's view is to embrass it, write it, sing it, love it, live it, share it, with others that feel the same and we will all wallow in this crevice in our minds in which we all secretly hate everything about life. How do you just make it... go away?
I have this half empty half full feeling going on inside of me. It's like I am totally happy to be alive, to be ... me... and at the same time I just hate every thing. I hate every facet of my life, and every person in it, every person that has affected it, including myself. what's wrong with me?
..its been days and days since ive seen ur face, weeks since ive heard ur voice months since i felt that feeling. Its just you. You know...youve changed me completely. 18 years of living this life and its the same old thing everyday and the same old people all the time. People who could care less about each other its like a cutthroat type thing. Its like nobody cares if ur happy as long as other people are happy then its ok. After all these 18 years ive never met anyone thats changed me like you have. Youve completed me in so many ways. You were the best friend that ive always wanted. I never wanted anything other then you. I never wanted anything to happen between us. We were so close that i guess i could call u my best friend. Yeah more than best friends we were inseperable, like peanut butter without the jelly, one isnt good without the other..there was something about you that was different then anyone else. You know that perfect guy that everyone always wishes they could have and be with--that guy that everyone always wants--that was you. Just people didnt know u like i did-they just thought u were some crazy kid with a big attitude and a huge drug problem but u definetly werent...its like, no one knows you like i do, and i dont want them to because then every girl would want you. Your absolutely the sweetest thing and u have a heart of gold. you care about everyone except urself and the people u love the most. its hard for u to open up at first but once u become attached theres no letting go. You were the person when i had to tell someone something you were the first one to call. Number 1 speed dial on my cell phone. When something was wrong u were the only person who could make it right, u always gave me advice on what to do in those times when i couldnt tihnk for myself, you were sort of like my second brain. You helped me make the right choice when i didnt know what to do. we had so many laughs together in such a short amount of time then anyone could imagine. This year when it seemed like everything was going downhill u were right there. You didnt care how dumb u looked with me right there. you were my best friend and the best thing that ever happened to me. 3 months is a short time. and about 3 months ago i met u...we became so close so fast. i trusted u and u trusted me. it was the normal. i called at 10pm b4 we went to bed and u called the second u got home form school...u no get out all our thoughts and and to talk about what we were doing for the rest of the day. the weekends we barely ever spent..u no u were the person the only person i could talk to for hours on the phone and never ever get bored or annoyed with you. Then things started getting to be different i dont know what happened it just did. losing someone that means the world to me has been one of the hardest things ive ever had to do.. You meant the whole world to me. I would trade everything just to have u as a friend again. You seriously meant that much to me. Our stupid little fights were always a test of our friendship, which we always passed without a problem. We couldnt go very long without speaking to each other...that was like nailing jello to a tree...pretty impossible it feels like i had u to hold onto when icouldnt stand. Then i was dropped right on my ass. To stand by myself faster than i could think. The stupidest thing tore us apart-it wasnt you-it was me. I know its really not my fault but everything looks like i am the wrong one. I should have trusted you and not made a big deal about it. How could i be so stupid? You dont know what ive been thro by myself. I cant do it anymore becaues i need u and i know i do. Its been long since ive smiled. and been forever since ive laughed with u. I want to say goodbye so bad. but ill come back and i kno i will. I dont want it to end on a bad note because that would be horrible if anything would ever happen to u. i dont know whats going thro ur head. i wish i knew what i could do to make things different. so i didnt feel this way adn i wish i wasnt so alone. I need u and im sorry. there are so many times i look for help. my friends arent home and i dial ur number but i never let it send. bz im afraid of what ull say...i just want u to pick up and listen to what i have to say. i cant sum everything down to a couple simple words bz how i feel i cant even begin to descrive. I feel so many diff tihngs but most of all im hurt and scared. Im scared bz im lost without u. its been so hard waking up day after day knowing that im living another day w/o u. it mite sound insane but u were the only thing that kept me smiling when i wanted to cry. ive tried so hard to replace u these past weeks, so maybe i could move on. ive tried having a boyfriend, that didint work, i called him ur name too many times. Ive tried completely erasing ur number, ur pictures, ur screen name, everything but theres nothing that will erase the memories ive shared with u, a memory lasts forever and i can guarantee ill never forget u... all my friends sit here anda tell me to get over u, that ur not worth my time, and that i could do so much better than u, i dont need u...First of all, its not as easy as they think. They dont know u. Second of all, i dont regret one minute ive spent with u, thinking about u, or talking about u. I cant do better than u bz ur perfect to me. when ppl watch movies or say things or even eat things that remind me of u i get all quiet and sad. Everyday i sit there and wonder what ur doing. Ive become very confidental with everything in my life. I dont want ppl to know. somedays i just sit at home upset with with world bz i dont want to go out and have fun w/anyone except u...i make up dumb excuses so it seems like im not allowed to go. ive sat and cried for hours and hour about u. its come to a point where some of my friends call daily just to check in on how im doing with the whole you thing. I miss u. i really do. The other day i drove past ur house and just stopped and stared. Theres so many memories that just rush into my head. There are pictures on my walls of us together, smiling and happy...that i just stare at for hours before i go to bed. i miss u and im sorry. I would give up EVERYTHING i own, just 2 have u. youve made me into who i am and i dont want to change i want to be with u as ur friend forever. if forever is to much, then jsut for a day, bz maybe in that day u could realize how much i love u. but wishes dont come true and the chances of that happening are slim, but in the end of it all..remember when u said u dont break promises? u promies me we'd be best friends.....forever.
i wrote that to a certain someone. i know we still talk and we're still tight but its hard to be around him when all i want is to be his. i miss him...