(no subject)
I had a talk with my mom today, short and to the point, but she likes to have some idea of whats going on.
I told her how frustrated I get with myself sometimes. I have a girlfriend who is awesome. I deeply care about her and would without hesitation lay down my life for her. I know she would do the same for me. The problem I have with myself is my hesitation. I am tired of feeling so numb compared to her. She has suffered heartbreak as most everyone has, but she still loves me without reservation. I am unable to do the same. My mom says this is a good thing. I suppose being rational and cautious is a good thing, right? Why doesn't it feel as right as it logically does? I find myself wanting to be more like Alyss, but I simply don't know how. If I had the choice to risk the pain, I would. Unfortunately, my heart feels differently.
I think sometimes the whole 'mind over body' thing can be detrimental. I have always tried to rule my emotions with my mind. I take 'feelings' into account, but I applied them rationally. Six months ago there was regime change in me. Emotions and logic went from being a cohabiting democracy to a logic wielding totalitarian regime (sorry I'm a poli-sci major). Basically, I took my emotions and slammed them into a cast-iron coffin and buried them. Since that time I have been burying them deeper and deeper. This summer I found this awesome girl. She has been amazing to me and I spend every minute I am able to with her. This in turn has led me to unbury the 'cast-iron coffin', but I am unable to open it. I am stuck at this point and frustrate myself repeatedly. So, I remain patient and hope eventually things balance out again. It is my own fault for doing this to myself. I just need to work myself out of it.
I told her how frustrated I get with myself sometimes. I have a girlfriend who is awesome. I deeply care about her and would without hesitation lay down my life for her. I know she would do the same for me. The problem I have with myself is my hesitation. I am tired of feeling so numb compared to her. She has suffered heartbreak as most everyone has, but she still loves me without reservation. I am unable to do the same. My mom says this is a good thing. I suppose being rational and cautious is a good thing, right? Why doesn't it feel as right as it logically does? I find myself wanting to be more like Alyss, but I simply don't know how. If I had the choice to risk the pain, I would. Unfortunately, my heart feels differently.
I think sometimes the whole 'mind over body' thing can be detrimental. I have always tried to rule my emotions with my mind. I take 'feelings' into account, but I applied them rationally. Six months ago there was regime change in me. Emotions and logic went from being a cohabiting democracy to a logic wielding totalitarian regime (sorry I'm a poli-sci major). Basically, I took my emotions and slammed them into a cast-iron coffin and buried them. Since that time I have been burying them deeper and deeper. This summer I found this awesome girl. She has been amazing to me and I spend every minute I am able to with her. This in turn has led me to unbury the 'cast-iron coffin', but I am unable to open it. I am stuck at this point and frustrate myself repeatedly. So, I remain patient and hope eventually things balance out again. It is my own fault for doing this to myself. I just need to work myself out of it.