all these feelings and no outlet

[inonothingrl]

i've been writing a lot lately... been thinking too much because I've gotten some alone time, which I don't know how I really feel about it because it's all so much. I think I forget how it wasn't that long ago I stepped up and started really being me! But is it supposed to be this hard? Father and mother always crying... brother and sister are so foreign to me without a clue. Feeling out of place everywhere I go. Hanging out with old friends who either know or don't... either except me or won't. Being with new people who are great, but still don't really know who I am. Old friends have changed so much, we've all changed. It's so sad because i have no reason to feel so alone right now, b/c i've met some really caring and welcoming people... it's just all sooo different. i don't feel myself anymore. here i am, decided to finally be me but i don't know how to do this? i know nobody really knows who they are...my whole life the only thing that's mattered has been living for a greater purpose... HIM. i still BELIEVE no matter how hard i try to persuade myself i don't. being someone who loves GOD is who i am... that's really me... so why have i strayed so far away? i read my bible a couple of weeks ago with someone who is really important in my life. yet there i was talking negative about it... saying things like how could this really be from god. i feel i've been having out of body experiences lately. i sit and watch myself talk to people who don't believe like i'm one of them. as if i have the same negative attitude about religion. why am i saying these things? everytime i open my mouth, it's verbal vomit. i want to just stop talking b/c everything that comes out of it is mean or dirty. everytime i go against what the bible says to be what God wants, i feel a part of me slowly dieing. i'm lying to myself. trying to fool myself in thinking if i say these things out loud then i'll believe them. i thought this was who i was, a non-believer. a wanna be an "intellect" / rebel. call me small minded, call me whatever you like but this isn't me. i want to stand up for my convictions so bad! i used to write entries like this to make myself feel better about what i was doing... not this time. there will be no more lying... no more deceiving. i want to live my life for a greater good. i want to be a living sacrifice for him. people don't understand. this is why i feel so alone where i stand. eventually i'm going to have to deal with this... i know i can't change this pattern over night. i just want to believe again. i will believe again. i want to have the strength to be different. or at least i'll keep telling myself this. will this vicious cycle never end?
i feel so depressed and i don't know why! people would never know by looking at me but i'm a wreck! i keep telling myself to stop it, get a grip... stop being such a baby. but all i want to do half the time is roll up into a ball, find a corner and cry until i can't cry anymore. I hate being like this... it's so weak... what a shock? i know! i'm weak go figure...:(
what am i doing? i've disappointed all the people i love the most. they think it's a personal attack against them... no matter how much i try to explain it has nothing to do with them... i'm just so tired. i want peace... peace of mind. yet the deeper i get the more restless i find myself becoming.
life is out of control. i feel no matter how hard i run or how hard i try to get a grip on things i find myself lagging farther and farther behind. it's like quicksand... the harder the fight the quicker you sink. Enough of this Lydia. get a grip... so is life right? thank God that it's not easy! embrace hardships b/c it makes you appreciate everything else.