Long Time No Read
Been a while, yeah?
For an update, I went to UNC Charlotte this past monday and visited the school. Beautiful landscape (yes, scenic paradise somehow carved right out of the heart of Northeast Charlotte) and people in the city are friendly. They're laid back but friendly. Those of you from Fayetteville whom are familiar with the concept of strangers hating you on sight would have been blown away... I got my classes locked in, ID card made, even got the annoying holds placed on my account by Admissions because of FTCC's screw-ups removed by my bad-ass advisor's secretary's "cracking" skills. So far, so good.
It's amazing to be moving forward in life for once.
An awful lot of things are changing right now, not just in my life, but in my family's, my close friends', and in those beyond that. Many old suns are setting while new ones are rising. A lot of us have been going through some heavy sh*t for a while now, but I think most of us are coming out of it. And hopefully everyone else can quickly follow suit.
I just can't get over the fact that for the first time ever, this good thing that has happened; this forward progress that has been made; this miracle can't be destroyed by some one else this time. Because I am responsible for it; I am the one who made it. This isn't that big expensive house that we moved into and later were kicked out because my father revealed that he'd never made any payments; this isn't the family we started over with a new "dad" only to later flee when his insanity or anger issues chased us out. This is what I have made independently of other adults, not depending on their fulfillment or non-fulfillment of their responsibilities. And I'm not alone. My mother, Raisa, Jeno, all of us are making our own futures. No more being the victim, no more being the charity case. But most of all, no more looking for the tragedy to follow every chance of fortune, the other foot to drop after the hand offered in assistance. I spent my entire childhood clear up to now believing that nothing good could ever happen without something destroying the happiness after. I believed this; I believed that it was better if I lived life running from pleasure and happiness. But now I realize that it's not that good can never happen because bad always follows it- it's that basing that good on the reliability of someone else, trusting and hoping that they will do what society requires of them as an adult, is the error. You have to create your life yourself; even parents- especially parents -cannot be relied on for this. I was extremely lucky that even though my mother, blind, poverty-stricken, and left with her infant son murdered, still chose to stay with her remaining children. She could have broken down and fled, and no one would have blamed her. But she did the best that she could, and fought hard to keep herself and everyone else alive, even as we bounced from false-helper to another, even as her oppressor continued to ruin our lives from the background.
But we survived. She survived, and so did her children. And now, as we raise our heads, ready to create our own futures, determined never to repeat the mistakes of our past, and stronger than everyone else around us, we remember what the value of a miracle is. There is some point when the prey stops running, and turns around to confront the predator. That's the feeling I am feeling now. It's the feeling of self-sufficiency.
But this ain't an Emo-chan, depressing "pity-me" post, nor is it intended to be. If anyone feels like they are trapped in a life that they can't control, one where everyone can alter (read: f*ck up) your life except you, then pay attention to this. If that's you, then shake off the bullsh*t and stand up. Other people are for enjoying life with and helping, not for depending on. Make your own miracle.
G-d, that was cheesy, wasn't it? Oh well. じゃあな。
For an update, I went to UNC Charlotte this past monday and visited the school. Beautiful landscape (yes, scenic paradise somehow carved right out of the heart of Northeast Charlotte) and people in the city are friendly. They're laid back but friendly. Those of you from Fayetteville whom are familiar with the concept of strangers hating you on sight would have been blown away... I got my classes locked in, ID card made, even got the annoying holds placed on my account by Admissions because of FTCC's screw-ups removed by my bad-ass advisor's secretary's "cracking" skills. So far, so good.
It's amazing to be moving forward in life for once.
An awful lot of things are changing right now, not just in my life, but in my family's, my close friends', and in those beyond that. Many old suns are setting while new ones are rising. A lot of us have been going through some heavy sh*t for a while now, but I think most of us are coming out of it. And hopefully everyone else can quickly follow suit.
I just can't get over the fact that for the first time ever, this good thing that has happened; this forward progress that has been made; this miracle can't be destroyed by some one else this time. Because I am responsible for it; I am the one who made it. This isn't that big expensive house that we moved into and later were kicked out because my father revealed that he'd never made any payments; this isn't the family we started over with a new "dad" only to later flee when his insanity or anger issues chased us out. This is what I have made independently of other adults, not depending on their fulfillment or non-fulfillment of their responsibilities. And I'm not alone. My mother, Raisa, Jeno, all of us are making our own futures. No more being the victim, no more being the charity case. But most of all, no more looking for the tragedy to follow every chance of fortune, the other foot to drop after the hand offered in assistance. I spent my entire childhood clear up to now believing that nothing good could ever happen without something destroying the happiness after. I believed this; I believed that it was better if I lived life running from pleasure and happiness. But now I realize that it's not that good can never happen because bad always follows it- it's that basing that good on the reliability of someone else, trusting and hoping that they will do what society requires of them as an adult, is the error. You have to create your life yourself; even parents- especially parents -cannot be relied on for this. I was extremely lucky that even though my mother, blind, poverty-stricken, and left with her infant son murdered, still chose to stay with her remaining children. She could have broken down and fled, and no one would have blamed her. But she did the best that she could, and fought hard to keep herself and everyone else alive, even as we bounced from false-helper to another, even as her oppressor continued to ruin our lives from the background.
But we survived. She survived, and so did her children. And now, as we raise our heads, ready to create our own futures, determined never to repeat the mistakes of our past, and stronger than everyone else around us, we remember what the value of a miracle is. There is some point when the prey stops running, and turns around to confront the predator. That's the feeling I am feeling now. It's the feeling of self-sufficiency.
But this ain't an Emo-chan, depressing "pity-me" post, nor is it intended to be. If anyone feels like they are trapped in a life that they can't control, one where everyone can alter (read: f*ck up) your life except you, then pay attention to this. If that's you, then shake off the bullsh*t and stand up. Other people are for enjoying life with and helping, not for depending on. Make your own miracle.
G-d, that was cheesy, wasn't it? Oh well. じゃあな。