Sanctuary! Or maybe not...
Now we're on the home stretch. This is it- the last week of school. Exams start 水曜日。 Of course, summer school starts next monday, but I can at the least keep up the pretense of getting out of school for the year. Luckily, (and possibly suicidally) my summer courses for college algebra and statistics will all be online. So I will be able to leave as long as I have periodic internet access. Speaking of leaving...
I'm really stuck in an awkward position right now. As some know, for a while now I had been attending my sister's church. I originally began coming a little less than three years ago, after meeting with Mrs. Faires, the church's eccentric but caring youth director (even though I was 18 at the time.) My sister was the only kid going at the time, so went partially out of feeling bad for her, and partially because I wanted to meet more of these people that seemed so caring. Older people are cool like that- they've lived long enough and lost enough people that they know what matters in life and try to cherish it. I basically needed love at the time. I was out of high school, every single one of my friends except Neko & Acid had fled the city/state/nation/etc. and I had no one to talk to since I went to FTCC all by myself. There are so many interesting people in this particular church, with none of the bullsh*t I usually see in Christian organizations. I was also wondering where I was spiritually at the time, as the past couple of years had left me worn out with life. Helping to raise and watch over two younger sisters while your mother killed herself at Food Lion and you were just a kid yourself was difficult. Add the constant battles with the crips, the klan, and the random drug dealer spats next door, and you get a crappy high school experience. Not only was this the reason why other than one nighters, I never carried on any sort of constructive romantic relationship in high school, but it left me fed up with life. Not bitter or angry with life, but just tired of it. Like as if I wanted to say, "I've worked hard. Can I go home now?"
So getting together with this church was a breath of fresh air. It was comforting to be around people who still had love in their hearts, and even more so because they were older than me, and therefore had been through much more than I had in their pasts. And it was fun to be able to talk and argue divinity stuff. But this all was to become a paradox, because since the church was helping me to repair my personality and battered spirit, it was essentially guaranteeing that I would get to the point that I am now. It helped me to open back up and the increased self-confidence has helped me to assert my identity. And the paradoxical conclusion is: I'm not a Christian. I'm Jewish. For whatever reason, I grew up only studying the "old" testament. I was taught that G-d was my personal provider and protector at an age so early I can't even remember a time when I didn't know. But this Jesus stuff is new to me. At the church, I learned about the wily Nazarene of course, and I liked what I saw in terms of his belief system. You can't argue with a guy that says love everybody. The thing is though, I'm not going to worship him either. I'm not saying that I'm right, because everyone will disagree (Christians and Atheists alike), but my personal belief that I was brought up with says, "You shall have no other gods before me." in terms of worshiping G-d. Jesus just ain't in there. Maybe he is to other people, but not me. As I learned more about the Christian faith, while fascinating, it still became obvious to me that it was very different. Christians believe in "original sin," that is, that all people are condemned to failure in sin (obviously to reinforce the idea that only Jesus can fix this) and I don't believe that. People don't do bad things because "the devil made them do it"; they do bad things because they are being @ssholes and decided to. Throwing the blame pisses me off greatly- it always has -and unfortunately that idea is key to the Christian faith.
But the biggest difference of views I've encountered is the subject of religious relativity and the Christian "end times". Religious relativity is the concept that other faiths besides yours can be valid or at least have worth in some way or another. Christianity vehemently denounces this. All religions other than Christianity are wrong and their members are doomed to burn in consequence. The problem for me is, religious relativity is the ONLY way I can take Christianity seriously. I look at it as people who are likely to be Christian have different psychological priorities so that's how G-d had to reach them (because he cares about and wants to connect with all people, even the ones who don't recognize him). Christianity says that G-d hates the world and though good as some Jews/Buddhists/etc. may be, they're still worthless if they don't worship Jesus. Well, if G-d really hated all other religions than His own, then Christians would really be in trouble, because they're the only current religion trying to get people to worship a man they claim to be G-d, and yet isn't. No monk has ever told people to worship Buddha... The second half of this subject is why it is so important that people drop their own faiths and become Christians- the idea that all non-Christians, along with all other living things and the earth itself, will be slaughtered when Jesus returns. To me at least, this is the most horrifying and sickening part of the differences I have with them- the thought that there are millions of people fervently waiting in hopes of the mass-murder of the world. Even the atheist who doesn't recognize any sort of god would have to admit that if there was one, it wouldn't make sense for it to destroy something it worked so hard to create. For me, even if the Christians ARE right, and G-d will destroy the world to prove a point by saving the Christians, that's STILL disgusting. But it's central to Christianity, because without it, there would be no rush to become Christian. Indeed, it would be like the Jewish ideology- make the world better while you're alive, and don't worry what your religion is because if you did do your part to fix things, G-d's got your back when you die anyway.
So in a nutshell, I'm coming to terms with who I am, and my sister's church ironically helped me to do that. I owe them quite a bit, and still care greatly for them. The dilemma is, I'm ready to get officiated by a synagogue, and I don't know how to tell the church that. Because they have no idea, and I don't want to break anyone's heart or hurt anyone's feelings. I owe them that much at least. And on a darker note, there's the question of how to deal with my father. When he and I angrily went separate ways over 8 years ago, he was a religion-less selfish con-artist and I was a hate-filled believer of "eye for an eye" in the literal sense. Now he's a "self announced born again Christian Republican conservative Fundamentalist Evangelist" and I'm a progressive, more loving than loathing borderline-Orthodox Jew. In his "Our hero Pat Robertson makes George W look like a hand-wringing liberal" religious circles, my very existence would be a horrendous eye-sore. His business dealings depend on his "strong Christian convictions" and he frequently brags about the time that he broke off a deal with a potential contract because the business partner was "homosexual and therefore immoral". Although he may strongly suspect me, he doesn't know for sure either. Maybe he just thinks that I'm gay. Part of me says "Go ahead and blow it open, after all of his anti-tolerance rantings, it would be funny to see the bastard's expression when his associates discover that his son's Jewish." But it was me that initiated contact with the f*cker after those 8 years in an effort to make up and patch over my burnt bridges, and he does care about me, at least on some levels (his abandoning us 7 separate times none with standing). Funnily enough, he desperately wants me to assist on his church's global missionary trips.
So my question to you guys is this: how do I break it to the church without breaking their hearts, and how do I break it to my father, without breaking his neck? Should I just flee the country?
I'm really stuck in an awkward position right now. As some know, for a while now I had been attending my sister's church. I originally began coming a little less than three years ago, after meeting with Mrs. Faires, the church's eccentric but caring youth director (even though I was 18 at the time.) My sister was the only kid going at the time, so went partially out of feeling bad for her, and partially because I wanted to meet more of these people that seemed so caring. Older people are cool like that- they've lived long enough and lost enough people that they know what matters in life and try to cherish it. I basically needed love at the time. I was out of high school, every single one of my friends except Neko & Acid had fled the city/state/nation/etc. and I had no one to talk to since I went to FTCC all by myself. There are so many interesting people in this particular church, with none of the bullsh*t I usually see in Christian organizations. I was also wondering where I was spiritually at the time, as the past couple of years had left me worn out with life. Helping to raise and watch over two younger sisters while your mother killed herself at Food Lion and you were just a kid yourself was difficult. Add the constant battles with the crips, the klan, and the random drug dealer spats next door, and you get a crappy high school experience. Not only was this the reason why other than one nighters, I never carried on any sort of constructive romantic relationship in high school, but it left me fed up with life. Not bitter or angry with life, but just tired of it. Like as if I wanted to say, "I've worked hard. Can I go home now?"
So getting together with this church was a breath of fresh air. It was comforting to be around people who still had love in their hearts, and even more so because they were older than me, and therefore had been through much more than I had in their pasts. And it was fun to be able to talk and argue divinity stuff. But this all was to become a paradox, because since the church was helping me to repair my personality and battered spirit, it was essentially guaranteeing that I would get to the point that I am now. It helped me to open back up and the increased self-confidence has helped me to assert my identity. And the paradoxical conclusion is: I'm not a Christian. I'm Jewish. For whatever reason, I grew up only studying the "old" testament. I was taught that G-d was my personal provider and protector at an age so early I can't even remember a time when I didn't know. But this Jesus stuff is new to me. At the church, I learned about the wily Nazarene of course, and I liked what I saw in terms of his belief system. You can't argue with a guy that says love everybody. The thing is though, I'm not going to worship him either. I'm not saying that I'm right, because everyone will disagree (Christians and Atheists alike), but my personal belief that I was brought up with says, "You shall have no other gods before me." in terms of worshiping G-d. Jesus just ain't in there. Maybe he is to other people, but not me. As I learned more about the Christian faith, while fascinating, it still became obvious to me that it was very different. Christians believe in "original sin," that is, that all people are condemned to failure in sin (obviously to reinforce the idea that only Jesus can fix this) and I don't believe that. People don't do bad things because "the devil made them do it"; they do bad things because they are being @ssholes and decided to. Throwing the blame pisses me off greatly- it always has -and unfortunately that idea is key to the Christian faith.
But the biggest difference of views I've encountered is the subject of religious relativity and the Christian "end times". Religious relativity is the concept that other faiths besides yours can be valid or at least have worth in some way or another. Christianity vehemently denounces this. All religions other than Christianity are wrong and their members are doomed to burn in consequence. The problem for me is, religious relativity is the ONLY way I can take Christianity seriously. I look at it as people who are likely to be Christian have different psychological priorities so that's how G-d had to reach them (because he cares about and wants to connect with all people, even the ones who don't recognize him). Christianity says that G-d hates the world and though good as some Jews/Buddhists/etc. may be, they're still worthless if they don't worship Jesus. Well, if G-d really hated all other religions than His own, then Christians would really be in trouble, because they're the only current religion trying to get people to worship a man they claim to be G-d, and yet isn't. No monk has ever told people to worship Buddha... The second half of this subject is why it is so important that people drop their own faiths and become Christians- the idea that all non-Christians, along with all other living things and the earth itself, will be slaughtered when Jesus returns. To me at least, this is the most horrifying and sickening part of the differences I have with them- the thought that there are millions of people fervently waiting in hopes of the mass-murder of the world. Even the atheist who doesn't recognize any sort of god would have to admit that if there was one, it wouldn't make sense for it to destroy something it worked so hard to create. For me, even if the Christians ARE right, and G-d will destroy the world to prove a point by saving the Christians, that's STILL disgusting. But it's central to Christianity, because without it, there would be no rush to become Christian. Indeed, it would be like the Jewish ideology- make the world better while you're alive, and don't worry what your religion is because if you did do your part to fix things, G-d's got your back when you die anyway.
So in a nutshell, I'm coming to terms with who I am, and my sister's church ironically helped me to do that. I owe them quite a bit, and still care greatly for them. The dilemma is, I'm ready to get officiated by a synagogue, and I don't know how to tell the church that. Because they have no idea, and I don't want to break anyone's heart or hurt anyone's feelings. I owe them that much at least. And on a darker note, there's the question of how to deal with my father. When he and I angrily went separate ways over 8 years ago, he was a religion-less selfish con-artist and I was a hate-filled believer of "eye for an eye" in the literal sense. Now he's a "self announced born again Christian Republican conservative Fundamentalist Evangelist" and I'm a progressive, more loving than loathing borderline-Orthodox Jew. In his "Our hero Pat Robertson makes George W look like a hand-wringing liberal" religious circles, my very existence would be a horrendous eye-sore. His business dealings depend on his "strong Christian convictions" and he frequently brags about the time that he broke off a deal with a potential contract because the business partner was "homosexual and therefore immoral". Although he may strongly suspect me, he doesn't know for sure either. Maybe he just thinks that I'm gay. Part of me says "Go ahead and blow it open, after all of his anti-tolerance rantings, it would be funny to see the bastard's expression when his associates discover that his son's Jewish." But it was me that initiated contact with the f*cker after those 8 years in an effort to make up and patch over my burnt bridges, and he does care about me, at least on some levels (his abandoning us 7 separate times none with standing). Funnily enough, he desperately wants me to assist on his church's global missionary trips.
So my question to you guys is this: how do I break it to the church without breaking their hearts, and how do I break it to my father, without breaking his neck? Should I just flee the country?