(no subject)
Been a while. This journal has a ton of history, and it's rather difficult going through and reading it, so I don't. However, I know what fills it and how I felt at those times. I was never one for journaling in a notebook, and I treat this with the same neglect.
My life is pretty decent. I'm entering fashion design, which I feel will influence my life in a wonderful way. However, I feel lonely as I have been single for two years. My parents are moving to Florida soon, and I have too, made the decision to move down south once school is completed. I have my life planned out, so why do I feel out of control?
Because despite having many things going on, I feel somewhat empty. Not depressed by any means, but discontent.
I would love to lose weight. The scariest part is that I relapse from time to time into my eating disorder, and I like it. I don't even know if it's about control, but I like the familiarity of it. It was such a part of my life and my identity for a long time. It's like a toxic security blanket. I can't help it.
The other strange thing is that I view the eating disorder logically. I didn't initially, but after a while I realized I viewed it in a very logical manner. I accepted it for what it was, and when I go in and out of cycles, I just let it happen instead of fighting it. I truly believe that my eating disorder is due to a chemical imbalance, and no real environmental influences.
I think of myself as a strong, independent person. Perhaps this is another reason I go back to the eating disorder. I think I like feeling vulnerable, and weight is a part of that. I am only 5ft, and I feel that if I am thinner, I will be more fragile and feminine in appearance. My brain is highly dis-functional!
Oh, if only people knew the real me instead of just the things I told them. Despite any issues I may have with myself, I know I am a beautiful person. No one could ever take that away from me.
x
My life is pretty decent. I'm entering fashion design, which I feel will influence my life in a wonderful way. However, I feel lonely as I have been single for two years. My parents are moving to Florida soon, and I have too, made the decision to move down south once school is completed. I have my life planned out, so why do I feel out of control?
Because despite having many things going on, I feel somewhat empty. Not depressed by any means, but discontent.
I would love to lose weight. The scariest part is that I relapse from time to time into my eating disorder, and I like it. I don't even know if it's about control, but I like the familiarity of it. It was such a part of my life and my identity for a long time. It's like a toxic security blanket. I can't help it.
The other strange thing is that I view the eating disorder logically. I didn't initially, but after a while I realized I viewed it in a very logical manner. I accepted it for what it was, and when I go in and out of cycles, I just let it happen instead of fighting it. I truly believe that my eating disorder is due to a chemical imbalance, and no real environmental influences.
I think of myself as a strong, independent person. Perhaps this is another reason I go back to the eating disorder. I think I like feeling vulnerable, and weight is a part of that. I am only 5ft, and I feel that if I am thinner, I will be more fragile and feminine in appearance. My brain is highly dis-functional!
Oh, if only people knew the real me instead of just the things I told them. Despite any issues I may have with myself, I know I am a beautiful person. No one could ever take that away from me.
x