I do my best thinking in the shower.
I have felt really icky and incoherent lately. My whole body just doesn't feel right anymore. This isn't mental, this is physical. I'm not really sure what is causing this. It could be many things. All I know is that I want it to go away.
I have been very happy lately also. I feel good about myself. I feel good about where I am in life. I am in love. However, I can't help but wonder if my happiness is an illusion made up by a drug. Weed, yes. I think that I might be giving it up for a while. (But don't hold me too that, lol) I don't think that I need it to be happy. I don't want it to be the reason that I feel good. I want to make sure that this happiness is real. And that could quite possibly be the reason that I feel so shitty. I have been smoking a lot. I really believe that it is time for me to quit. I need it. I am not doing it to be some straight-edge fucker. I'm not. I am far from it, but I know I am doing this for all the right reasons. I don't want to rely on any kind of drug-prescription or not-to make me feel better about myself. I hope this time it is real.
I have been secluding myself in the worst ways. I haven't been going anywhere or doing anything. But to be completely honest, I enjoy it. I don't get all the bullshit drama that I often get from hanging out with people. I never feel let down when someone stands me up. I just talk to everyone online and I'm fine with that. I don't know why but I never could handle having friends, at least not for a long period of time. Maybe it runs in my blood, maybe I am just a freak. Either way, it doesn't matter. I am happy where I am and I don't need anyone making me feel like shit. I am in love, real love and I don't care what any of you assholes think. If you cannot support me through what makes me happy then you aren't really my friend in the first place now are you? I'm sick of being belittled for my decisions.
I have become closer to my family now that they have moved away. I miss them so much. I really believe in the saying "Absence makes the heart grow fonder" more than I ever have in my life. I talk to them everyday. The kids are getting so big and I hate that I'm not around to see them grow up. I cannot wait until Thanksgiving. Neither can they.
I'm missing something...
I don't feel entirely complete...
I know there is something more...
I know I will find what it is.
I love you Shawn. ♥
I have been very happy lately also. I feel good about myself. I feel good about where I am in life. I am in love. However, I can't help but wonder if my happiness is an illusion made up by a drug. Weed, yes. I think that I might be giving it up for a while. (But don't hold me too that, lol) I don't think that I need it to be happy. I don't want it to be the reason that I feel good. I want to make sure that this happiness is real. And that could quite possibly be the reason that I feel so shitty. I have been smoking a lot. I really believe that it is time for me to quit. I need it. I am not doing it to be some straight-edge fucker. I'm not. I am far from it, but I know I am doing this for all the right reasons. I don't want to rely on any kind of drug-prescription or not-to make me feel better about myself. I hope this time it is real.
I have been secluding myself in the worst ways. I haven't been going anywhere or doing anything. But to be completely honest, I enjoy it. I don't get all the bullshit drama that I often get from hanging out with people. I never feel let down when someone stands me up. I just talk to everyone online and I'm fine with that. I don't know why but I never could handle having friends, at least not for a long period of time. Maybe it runs in my blood, maybe I am just a freak. Either way, it doesn't matter. I am happy where I am and I don't need anyone making me feel like shit. I am in love, real love and I don't care what any of you assholes think. If you cannot support me through what makes me happy then you aren't really my friend in the first place now are you? I'm sick of being belittled for my decisions.
I have become closer to my family now that they have moved away. I miss them so much. I really believe in the saying "Absence makes the heart grow fonder" more than I ever have in my life. I talk to them everyday. The kids are getting so big and I hate that I'm not around to see them grow up. I cannot wait until Thanksgiving. Neither can they.
I'm missing something...
I don't feel entirely complete...
I know there is something more...
I know I will find what it is.
I love you Shawn. ♥