as weeks went by [it showed that she was not fine]
December 25, 1983
Dear Mary,
It's Christmas again, Mary, and I don't know what to do. You've been gone for nearing two months now and it's not getting any easier. Dean, Dean hasn't said a word since the night you died, he just looks at me like I failed him. And I did Mary, I failed him. I failed Sammy. And God, Mary I failed you.
I tried to give them Christmas, Mary, I know you loved it, but... Dean tried, just like I did. We're trying for Sammy, but Sammy, he doesn't even know. He's been crying nonstop since you died. Finally I had to put him in bed with Dean, they're joined at the hip now. I wish you could see them, Dean's teaching Sammy to play baseball, so really he's rolling the ball at Sam and he's sort of head butting it back. He'll be a great soccer player, just like you said, he's got a mean kick. That's what I got them, sports gear. Dean's almost too old for t-ball, so I guess I'll be signing him up for little league now.
I've seen things, things I never believed existed before and I don't know if I'm loosing it or not. But I can't pretend that was an electrical fire. I can't pretend I didn't see what I saw. I met this psychic, name's Missouri. Well, I took her back to the house and Mary, she ran outta there like she'd seen a ghost. And Julie, she died and I'm sorry for that. Seems like I can't protect anyone anymore. All I know is I've got to protect Sam and Dean, no matter what.
And I'm going to find whatever did this to you. I owe you that much. I don't know what I'm doing, but I've got to do it. Jim's got my back, he says he'll watch the boys, we're in this together. I know you trusted Jim, he's family to us.
God, I wish the boys could've had you for longer, for forever. I'm sorry and I love you, Mary, always.
Yours, John