[drama] the game
Title: The Game
Chapter 42: I Won’t Let Go
Rate: PG13
Features: Kang In, Heechul, Hankyung, Siwon, Kibum, SuJu
Genre: Drama
Beta: fifteen_half >> I love you so much!
[Kang In’s POV]
‘Yah, Kangin!’
I kept on walking faster, almost running. I’ve got to get away and be alone because I need time to think. Once I reached my room, I shut my door shut, instantly regretting my decision to lock it. Heechul was banging on the door, cursing and threatening words following each thump and I knew that he wouldn’t stop until I let him in. I realized that it was the only choice I had.
Heechul looked like he was ready to cut my head off when I opened the door. But except for purposely bumping on my shoulder, he just walked past me heading towards my bed. I closed the door carefully and waited for him to emit his harsh words but instead Heechul just stared at me. Seeing that he wasn’t going to start a conversation anytime soon, I made an effort to rebuff the uncomfortable feeling.
‘Damn it Heechul, what do you want?’
‘Well, I don’t know. Why don’t you tell me?’
‘I’m not in the mood to kid around so cut it off, okay? Do me a favour. Talk or leave.’
Heechul scoffed, not intimidated by my words. Instead, he sprawled on his back, getting comfortable on my bed. He stared at the ceiling.
‘I know you’re upset about Shiwon’s confession.’ Heechul stated casually then he turned on his side to face me. ‘But that doesn’t explain why you had to be an idiot as to let it out on him. What were you thinking?’
I sighed heavily. ‘Look, I know you’re concerned about him, but can we talk about this tomorrow? I’m having a headache right now.’
‘So am I.’ Heechul said, straight-faced as he leaned back on the bed. ‘I’ve overworked my brain cells just trying to understand you, so help me go through this.’
‘Yeah, whatever.’ I muttered as I walked towards my working desk to avoid any further conversation. I started clearing up the space to keep me busy but really, there was nothing much to do. I only gathered a few stationary before I opened the top drawer to throw everything inside. But then, my eyes caught some unsent notes that were meant for the Chinese. My heart tightened a little more.
‘So, you’re giving up on him?’
It was the same question that I’ve been asking myself and still couldn’t bring myself to answer. I bit my lip for a while, contemplating if I should really talk about it. I closed the drawer carefully.
‘It’s already over.’ I murmured; my back still towards him. ‘He’s Shiwon’s now.’
‘Did you not hear me when I said he was asking Shiwon for some time to think about it? You could’ve taken that chance to tell him about what you’re feeling but what did you do? You asked for your friggin’ notes back! I mean, what the hell?!’
‘Can’t you see how happy he is now? He was smiling when he was with him. I... ‘ I paused, feeling a my heart clench as I tried to force the words out. ‘I don’t want to take that away from him.’
Heechul was back in a sitting position, sheets ruffling loudly because of his angry movements. ‘Do you think I believe that?! Do you think I don’t know that you’re just scared of being rejected? You just don’t want to admit it! Don’t be a coward, Kangin!’
I glared at him even though I know nothing will scare Heechul. He was always the outspoken one; saying everything that comes across his mind. Ironically, they’re always been the things I’ve been trying to hide. Sometimes I wish he knows when it’s the time for him to shut up.
‘And now you’re being so stupid because you ruined your chance-’
‘Chance?’ I yelled, losing my patience. ‘Since when did I have it?! All he’s been seeing was Shiwon, never me! He didn’t even want to keep my notes!’
‘Why are you blaming this on him? Do you think you’ve done enough?’ Heechul raised his voice too. ‘Have some sense, will you? You never told him how you felt and then you went in and barged into his room taking everything back. You shouted at him and you still think you have the right to be mad at him for not looking at you?!’
I only stared on the floor, trying to swallow the truth in those words. I really couldn’t bring myself to say anything because really, was there anything left for me to say?
‘You know what? Kibum was right. This is a mistake; I shouldn’t have encouraged you.’ I watched Heechul as he waved his hands before he rose from the bed then walked towards the door. He reached for the doorknob, but before leaving, he looked at me over his shoulder and said,
‘You should just... quit.’
***
It was impossible to sleep when Hankyung’s terrified face would appear in my mind every time I closed my eyes. The way he looked at me from behind Ryeowook’s shoulder - it’s making it hard for me breathe. My heart beats in pain to seeing him look so terrified of me. I guessed I shouldn’t have scared him like that. It had never been my intention but my anger always gets the best of me.
The clock hit twelve but I knew our schedule started at two pm. A movie sounded like a great idea to keep my mind off the things that happened. So I dragged myself to the living room, only to find Donghae occupying the couch and Sungmin curled into a ball on the floor - both sleeping with the television still on. Leeteuk came out of the kitchen with slices of apple, dimples showing - you want some? But really, the only thing that stood out the most was their new half-blonde hair which reminded me of him. I frowned and pinched the bridge of my nose.
‘What’s wrong Kang In ah?’
It was very tempting to spill everything out because Leeteuk always understood me better than anyone else. But before I could say anything, Yehsung walked in from the front door, bringing along an air of awkwardness with him. He passed us by without a single word before escaping towards his room. Ryeowook came in a moment later with Kyuhyun; did a similar thing, glaring at me without a word and slamming his door in protest for what had happen earlier. Only Kyuhyun stopped for a while.
‘You know how people say, action speaks louder than words. Hankyung hyung... he never listens.’ The younger sighed and shook his head. ‘He only believes what he saw. And thought you only tried to fool him.’
Kyuhyun patted my shoulder before resuming his remaining steps towards his own room. I was left to watch his back with thousands of questions that I was literally dying to ask. Is Hankyung alright? Should I go apologize and give the notes back to him? Do I still have a chance?
Should I let go?
‘Kang In,’ Leeteuk’s voice ended my horrible thoughts and I brought my attention to Leeteuk. His dimples weren’t there anymore. ‘- let’s talk.’
***
Things moved back when Hankyung was avoiding me but this time, it got worst. It was unbearable now because these feelings had already grown deeper and deeper for him. The promotion activities only made it harder - smiling on stage, frowning backstage. Those encounters in the hallway turned out to be a wonder to me as he always magically disappears from my sight. His smile didn’t quite reach his eyes anymore and it made me restless when it seemed like I was the one to blame for the loss of its shine.
‘Where are you going?’
I was considering if I should lie to Leeteuk but knew that it wouldn’t do me any good. He knew me too well and I know that he’s already read my mind when I turned to meet his eyes. ‘I want to talk to him.’
He shook his head, ‘No, sit down.’
Leeteuk pulled my wrist and I rolled my eyes. It wasn’t helping when the members decided to help keep the Chinese man away from me. For the sake of the group, they said and it cost me nothing but dejection because really - why are they siding with him? I want to make things right again, even better. Why can’t anyone believe that?
Leeteuk groaned. ‘We’ve already talked about this.’
‘I know. But I can’t keep up like this. This is driving me crazy if I don’t- ’
‘You’ll end up hurting yourself. Just stop, will you?’ Leeteuk reasoned but the message didn’t really cross my mind. I was hurting now, so what’s the difference if I get hurt later? Leeteuk tugged on my wrist harder. ‘Kang In, just don’t.’
‘I just want to throw this.’ I held the empty milk carton up. Leeteuk didn’t believe me but he slowly let go of my wrist.
I walked carefully towards them both, Shiwon and Hankyung, who were talking about something worth laughing on the couch of the waiting room. At least Shiwon still managed to make him happy. Their laughter could bring anyone a sense of contentment just by seeing them but it had a different effect on me. Certainly, the opposite one.
Hankyung however noticed me getting closer towards them and the bright shining smile instantly vanished from his face. It was replaced with a slight frown and I gripped the carton a little bit tighter, trying not to lose hope. But Hankyung was already on his feet, saying something to Shiwon in Chinese before quickly turning to the opposite direction.
‘Hankyung hyung!’ I called, with a slight angry tone because this has been the third time he was running away from me today. The only response that I got was a loud thump of the door and it made me halt my steps, wondering what would happen if I follow my stubborn heart to go after him. It was humiliating to be treated this way but I couldn’t bring myself to be angry at him. Trying to hide my frustration, I turned around only to find that everyone was watching me; some with compassion, some with anxiety. Leeteuk looked troubled the most, as if he wanted to cry.
‘Kang In hyung.’
I turned my head towards the voice and realized that Shiwon was behind me. He had his hand in the pockets of his jeans and he looked at me as if he was about to regret what he would say.
‘I think it was clear enough that Hankyung hyung did not want to talk to you. So please, stop bothering him.’
Being a respectful brother and a genuine man even in a situation like this, Shiwon never fails to irritate me with his manners. I hate him for being so perfect. I hate him for being the one in Hankyung’s eyes.
‘Is that a warning?’ I asked challengingly and for a while Shiwon didn’t say anything nor did he lower his gaze. Leeteuk flew instantly beside me, patting my back slightly to calm me down.
‘No. But this is.’ Shiwon leaned until his face was only an inch away from mine and whispered. ‘Stay away from him.’
It wasn’t his words, but more of the act he was putting on, as if the Chinese already belonged to him. It really got on my nerves. Leeteuk gripped tighter on my sleeve as my hands clenched into a fist.
‘Have you got your answer yet?’ I asked. Shiwon raised his eyebrows, questioning. It amused me greatly how Shiwon sometimes could be so dense. ‘Are you still waiting to know how he feels about you?’
It wasn’t much but I noticed how his jaws tightened and I already got the answer.
‘No?’ I was sure he caught the light in my eyes. I allowed myself to smirk. ‘So until then, keep your fucking warnings to yourself.’
***
I reached the park and saw the bench that me and him had sat the first time we came had already been occupied by a couple. I sighed loudly and fought the urge to chase them away. I didn’t want to create a scene causing ridiculous headlines on the newspaper tomorrow. So I took a seat on the empty bench nearby, eyes still on the couple, quietly praying that they will leave soon.
The talk between me and Leeteuk didn’t really go well that night. He didn’t enlighten me with the things that I wanted to hear but instead, he decided that Heechul was right. He talked me into giving up but it only lasted for two days before I realized that I couldn’t. No matter how sensible the reasons were, I couldn’t let him go. I guess my heart has a mind of its own.
Hyung, meet me at the park tonight. I have something to tell you.
Honestly, I didn’t think he would come. He had thousand of reasons not to, but being the person he was with that pure heart, I was able to allow myself to have a little bit of hope. I still remembered when he came to fetch me from the club. He still does it regardless his anger towards me. I honestly hate myself for taking advantage of his kindness but I have to. I don’t know how else to get him to listen to me.
‘Please come, please come, please come.’
I said it like a mantra, over and over again. It was almost midnight now but there was still no sign of him. The couple had already left the park half an hour ago; my confidence starting to deflate every time I steal a glance at my watch. My heart was jerking fervently every time someone passed by the park, hoping that it would be that familiar foreign face that would come into view. But it was not him and I felt helpless as I sat back on the bench, not thinking of leaving.
‘Please...’
The night breeze was biting through the layers of my jacket and I was starting to shiver. I wondered if I have to go through this whole night waiting for him in this bitter weather. I was almost sure that he wouldn’t come but no matter how many times it crossed my mind, I just couldn’t bring myself to leave.
‘He’s not coming.’
I heaved a heavy sigh as I stood up uncertainly. I need to face the reality that he would not be coming, even if I wait until dawn. Hankyung had made his decision; he had proven how much he didn’t care. So with a tug in my heart, I left the bench, heading back to the apartment. My heart was broken into a million pieces but I tried hard not to cry. I was too tired for that. I just wanted to get home as soon as possible.
The sound of the elevator broke the quietness of the hallway. I stepped out, throwing a glance to the right where the other dorm is before forcing myself to walk to the opposite direction. I assumed that he had already gone to sleep, not caring, not bothering if I were still waiting for him at the park. The thought had made me weaker, so I increased my pace, not wanting to break down in this hallway until I saw someone leaning against the wall on the front door. I recognized the figure immediately.
‘Hankyung hyung?’
The Chinese man looked up and his eyes widened to see me there. And all of sudden, I couldn’t hide what I was feeling anymore. Tears welled up in my eyes and, without hesitation, I pulled him towards me, then gently but tightly held him in my arms.
Breathing deeply, I brokenly whispered, ‘Hyung, I don’t want to let you go. Please, don’t make me let you go.’