my mortal coil
Being made aware that a person you knew has passed on changes you. I began to notice even more how recklessly most of us live our lives. And by reckless I don't mean to bash people that do extreme sports or anything. I simply mean that people don't make good choices. For example, people driving around me this morning operated their vehicles as if they were immortals. One single mistake, one single distraction and you cease to exist.
When I was sitting in my seat at the memorial service I felt somewhat afraid. Maybe afraid isn't the right word. But it makes me bite my lip when I confess to myself that none of us knows when our time is up. Yes, I kind of knew that already...but one doesn't go and ponder this everyday. I know that I cannot live forever.....but I don't want to die young like Chris did. He was just four months older than me. I want to be an old fart years from now sitting on my front porch sipping a margarita...but you never know. Truly you don't know.
I also realized that should I pass I probably wouldn't have as many people come to my memorial. I know, I know...quite a morbid thought. But I realize that I don't speak to most of the people I knew when I was younger. I wouldn't recognize them should they knock on my front door. Hell, people I know now I hardly speak with. I want to...but I feel unwelcome should I try.
Sometimes I think I have a glitch in my personality....something that makes me unable to retain friends and relationships. And it hurts, because I think of people that have slipped through my fingers quite a bit. You may not realize it, but there are days when I ask myself, " I wonder how Crystal's doing today?" or if "I hope that Mary's doing good". There is something that keeps me where I am. Is it some signal that I send out? I guess I am saying, I was sitting in the service, amongst over 45 people, and I wish that I could say I affected that many people. I meant that much to people.
When I was sitting in my seat at the memorial service I felt somewhat afraid. Maybe afraid isn't the right word. But it makes me bite my lip when I confess to myself that none of us knows when our time is up. Yes, I kind of knew that already...but one doesn't go and ponder this everyday. I know that I cannot live forever.....but I don't want to die young like Chris did. He was just four months older than me. I want to be an old fart years from now sitting on my front porch sipping a margarita...but you never know. Truly you don't know.
I also realized that should I pass I probably wouldn't have as many people come to my memorial. I know, I know...quite a morbid thought. But I realize that I don't speak to most of the people I knew when I was younger. I wouldn't recognize them should they knock on my front door. Hell, people I know now I hardly speak with. I want to...but I feel unwelcome should I try.
Sometimes I think I have a glitch in my personality....something that makes me unable to retain friends and relationships. And it hurts, because I think of people that have slipped through my fingers quite a bit. You may not realize it, but there are days when I ask myself, " I wonder how Crystal's doing today?" or if "I hope that Mary's doing good". There is something that keeps me where I am. Is it some signal that I send out? I guess I am saying, I was sitting in the service, amongst over 45 people, and I wish that I could say I affected that many people. I meant that much to people.