Cutting The Cake
I have been blogging for a very long time now. I started off with Livejournal and then dabbled in Blogger. Came back to Livejournal and then moved on to MySpace. Then I caught on to the Facebook trend and realized I could never really squeeze anything interesting in my life into 240 characters or less. So the bug bit me again and I'm here, on another site, to see if I can bring back the magic and to see if this website will spark my creativity that has been missing for a while.
Let's see what happens!
I have always been a very "have my cake and eat it, too" person. I try not to deny myself anything. I like being busy. I like having a lot of things to do. I don't know what to do when I have quiet time, or just quiet, period. But at the same time, I try not to be bad at anything I do. It's not worth it to me, to try and show off how much I'm balancing and doing, if one of those is suffering or not being done the way they should be. Fortunately, as an overachiever, that's rarely the case.
Until now.
I have been at Chase for about a month now and the work is really piling up high. Don't get me wrong, I love it. It forces me to take a step back and re-prioritize, every now and then. You go from having a list of things to do, to suddenly a page of things to do and then you find that page is just one page in a really big book of things to do. So sometimes I have to push something aside that I have been working on and really delving into and change course to another destination. For someone as adverse to change as I am, it's pretty cool that I can do that. A few years ago, I would have been falling to pieces.
I still want it all. I want to be an employee and a gamer and a girlfriend and a friend and a child and I'm pretty certain I can have all of those things. Maybe not to the degree I had hoped. But to some extent, yes.
A few months ago, I really toyed with the idea of walking away from WoW for good. It was mostly fueled by personal demons and drama I had a hand in creating. I was intent on getting over someone I made the mistake of getting involved with and that I wasn't fully over. I needed to get away. When I rebounded fully from that situation, I felt ready to come back and make another go of it. But it always felt like I was desperately trying to re-create the "good old days," as it were.
My friend Jill and I have talked about this, at length and you have to know when to let those days go by. It's great to have memories and it's great to have a time to choose to wrap yourself into them. But they can't be your reason for doing things. It can't be your drive or your focus. It has to be fleeting, temporary. It can never be that way again. You have to move on.
And maybe it's time I did that. I have a hard time rationalizing working a job, that's actually work and then logging into a game where I have to work some more. I don't see how it's fair or logical to tell my friends, who I am already not seeing very much of and may not see much of even more, once work really gets into high gear that I can't see them because I have to raid. I don't like the idea of having to show respect to people who may be something to write home about in game, but in real life can't really hold a candle to me.
The thought of it doesn't bother me as much as it should. No wait, I'm bothered because I'm not bothered. If that makes sense. I should be mourning the loss and being drug away by my fingernails, from the login screen. But I'm quite willing to walk away from it. What does that say about me?
So tonight, I will be buying kitty litter and making myself some dinner. It's only mac and cheese, but considering how much I eat out, that's huge. I may do some shopping online for new boots, since everywhere around here has already moved into the next season and it's strappy sandals and heels, galore. Then I could curl up with season four of SATC and relax before bed.
That sounds lovely.