Parental Guidance
It's a great feeling to go from trying to shock your parents in a negative way, to trying to shock your parents in a positive way.
Today is Father's Day and I bought my dad a musical greeting card and a $50 gift card for Boston Store, which he deemed to be "too much" and he insisted I didn't have to do that. This is the same reaction my mom had, when I rewarded her and my dad with dinner at P.F. Chang's and surprised her with a musical greeting card and a $50 Lane Bryant card.
It's nice to have the means to reward my parents for sticking with me. They're not even my real parents. My real mom and I have always had a really rocky relationship, that is fairly common knowledge and that I have blogged about extensively. These are my godparents. People say that blood is thicker than water and I have always disagreed with that. To me, it means more when "water" does nice things for you. They don't have to do that. With "blood," there is always this obligatory feeling. They do things because they feel they have to.
My godparents have supported me and put up with me and have always been there. I literally wouldn't be where I am today without them. It feels nice to be able to reward them or treat them or thank them for that in my own way. It's nice to see them be proud of me and for them to realize that the hard work paid off. I turned out well and I'm happy and I'm okay.
My dad and I have always had a very "Don't ask, don't tell" kind of relationship. It's not that we avoid conversation in a bad way - it's that we are already on the same wavelength and that certain things don't even need to be said. I can look at my dad, he will smile at something and I'll just start laughing. I know what he's thinking and that he thinks it's funny and I will too. With my mom, things need to be avoided until I'm ready to talk about them and I will need to verbalize them. I don't need to do that with my dad. We just get it.
I'm glad that my parents are still aging gracefully, for the most part. They have moments of senility that are comical, but worry me a little. You want to imagine your parents being the role models they always were and you want to remember them in the best possible light. You don't want to imagine them going down that inevitable decline into old age, where they can't take care of themselves and they lose that grip on everything around them. I really try not to think about that.
My real mom actually came back in the picture the other day. She left me a voicemail that she has a new apartment and that she thinks I would be proud of her and that she is proud of me and all the good that I'm doing. I'm actually not too against the idea of seeing her again. The only catch is that I want to make sure that she has some stability behind her, before I consider letting her back in. She's done this before, this "bait and switch" kind of scenario.
She initiates contact, which initially sounds harmless and positive and then it turns into her asking for money or a place to stay and you find out that her reason for seeing you had nothing to do with her "sales pitch." It was a bait and switch. If I know that this apartment she has is real and she is going to be there for a while, I'm more than happy to visit. If I know her life is back on track and she is keeping a job and staying healthy, mentally and physically, I'm open to re-building our relationship.
She has done this too many times and I'm not about to get involved again and go through the same cycle again. I don't have it in me to do that. That's why I have avoided her these last few years. I can't be the parent anymore. I know if the situation were reversed and I was in a bad place and pulling the stunts she pulled, I would get no sympathy from her and she would easily leave me out to dry. So in some really sick way, I'm just doing what I was raised to do and how I was raised to react. I'm letting her fend for herself. I have to know she is capable of doing that, before I let her back into my life.
I took a big step towards getting some time back from the game and enjoying the game again. I dropped out of the 25 man raid scene and will focus solely on the 10 man raid that I'm in with some very dear friends of mine. I know it's not the drastic step that others felt I should take, but it's a comfortable choice for me and it's a happy medium towards having some real fun again. Luckily, I got the blessing of the people in charge and I can help with the recruitment and still enjoy some of the benefits that I have already. I didn't have to compromise too much to make this happen.
That's an extra 3 days a week that I can do whatever I want with. Maybe I'll start running again or reading more often. Or sleeping. I really enjoy sleeping.