(no subject)
so, another one of those days, where everyting seems okay. But it's not.
and i just realized what a burden i can be. even though you say I'm not. I know I am.
That was stupid of me, really. And I'm sorry. I just couldn't contain it all inside. I just kind of..."popped" as you say. And I didn't mean to keep the reason from you....
...wait....
I did.
It's just not right for me to say...It'll be too much, and too selfish of me to say it. Regardless of what you tell me. I don't think you'll want to hear it. So, I won't say it. Although....sometimes, I wish I could.
I find it really weird when I get like that. Especially when I'm with you, because thats the side of me i try really really hard to hide. From anyone. But it's different with you. When I'm with you- or even just on the phone with you, I try to be perfect. And that is totally immature. Not to mention stupid, as perfection is a state that can only be sought but never accomplished by the human race. Unfortunetly, I am considered, part of the human race.
Still, when I'm with you, I want you to see no flaws of me. I want you to feel that you deserve me. That I'm not just a waste of time, or a trouble that you shouldn't have to go through. But sometimes, I know I am.
Today, I just simply couldn't contain myself. I let my defenses down, and I made mountains out of moleholes. Out of something so.....subtle, so childish and miniscule, that I should probably be a convicted felon for a severe disturbance of the peace. And right now, I can't stop. I know I promised, but I just can't help it. I can't hold it in and relax now. Because now seems to be the only apporpriet time to let it out. And I'm so sorry you had to be my victim this time. This time that I let my true self shine through.
Kind of like Devil May Cry, where near the end (before I gave it back to you), you have to fight that big fucking blob af a monster, (Nightmare, is it?) and sometimes when you hit the circle light thingy, that big circle pops out of him and you have to whack the living hell out of it with your oversized devil butterknife.
Yes, to that I can relate. Only I seem to have bursted a water pipe in my head. I dont think Nightmare had waterpipes.
But I promised you, that I would tell you. Whether it be in writing, spoken or by gesticulate actions. I will get it out to you. Babe, I will. But you have to realize that when I do, I will be in a very vulnerable state. I just hope I don't complicate things any worse than they are.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry!!!!
I am.
And, yes.
I do love you too.