Andrew and Mary

[innocenceislost]

I have no best friend. I'm aware I have Kate and Sammi and Izzy and blah blah blah. No. I need a best friend. I need someone who understands. I need someone who will be the way Sam was with me when me and her were best friends. Or the way Lexi was with me when we were best friends. Now we're best friendS....As in plural. As in more than two of us. That doesn't work for me. I have no one that I hang out with. Ever. How often do I really ever spend time with people? I don't. I go to school. If I didn't then I'd be cut off from everyone. For good. I have no best friend who IMs me. No one calling me to make plans. I mean god do you have any idea how lonely it is here? Do you have any idea how much it hurts to look at people who used to be my good friends in elementary school and wonder if they even remember my name? if they remember things the way I do? Tomorrow I want to go into school, and cry in every period I have a friend in. I want attention. Atleast I'm able to admit it. I. WANT. ATTENTION. Do I get it? no. What the fuck... Like...I'm not like those idiots who cut themselves when they get ignored. Or do drugs. Or fuck random people. No. I'm a good person. And everyone needs to quit giving me that "we're here for you" crap. That's not what I want to hear from you fucking people. I want to hear "I'm here for you." I want to hear "I remember your name." I want to hear "Hey remember that time when we were best friends as opposed to now when I won't even give you the time of day?" Ok no. I don't really want to hear that last one. No one's even gonna read this are they? Probably not.. This feeling is overwhelming. It's one of those feelings that you want to go away, but it's a part of you. One of those feelings that slit wrists doesn't solve. Granted slit wrists don't solve anything...Unless you're attempting to make yourself dizzy and stain your carpet red. Then kudos! Mission accomplished! Anyways lets get off there before someone accuses me of being suicidal again. Sometimes when I'm walking in the hallway I'll see someone from my past, and I'll want to collapse. Just to see what they say. Just pass out. Would they help? Would you help? Past 11:00 PM is my entire life. When everyone I know is dead. Away. Dreaming. I'm left here to deal with the boredom. The solitude. It's funny. The silliest things give me hope. See in 6th grade there was this boy. He was amazing. Pretty beyond words. Nice. Ditzy. He made me question everything I was. He gives me hope. A blonde girl with amazing acting and singing talents who is a year older than me. I used to hang out with her when I was very young. I remember asking for bottled water at her house. I couldn't drink tap water. I got bottled water. It's the only memory I have of that girl. Now I see her everyday. She gives me hope as well. People who really know me would know who these people are. That's why no one will guess who they are. I'll tell you. Andrew and Mary. Don't ask me why. I'm not sure. They just do.

"I stand alone in the storm, suddenly sweet words take hold. Hurry they say for you haven't much time. Open your eyes to the love around you. You may feel you're alone but I'm here still with you, you can do what you dream just remember to listen to the rain."- Evanescence