(no subject)
i have recently gotten back in touch with my longest term friend. we've known each other for 17 years...which is totally weird, because i am personally not old enough to have known someone 17 years. the last time we talked (a couple of years ago) he wasn't in a good place and i was helpless to do any thing for him. sadly, i think i let him down, but he seems to have been ok without me. and shockingly he doesn't seem to hold it against me.
this year i have been trying to live a conscious life. i don't want to go through my life in a fog of just doing because that's what one does. i want to be aware of my choices. for too long i haven't been doing that. i have allowed myself to take the easy way out. i think it started when i was struggling to understand why my body was betraying me and not letting me have the baby i so desperately wanted. i was wrapped up in understanding what karmic retribution i had set me up for to be punished in such a way. that was when the fog set in. then we adopted our daughters and i was trying to keep my head above water. now several years (and another child) later, i want to stop living an unexamined life.
i think this came about for several reasons. one, i turned 30. i have looked forward to being 30 for well over a decade...but the reality of it (like so many other things) has not been what i expected. two, my oldest daughter is getting old enough to see life apart from me. she is learning some of the harsher realities of american society and just like your mother always told you...'do as i say, not as i do' doesn't work. so will my daughters grow up only shopping at large discount stores where the workers who make the products are barely paid enough to feed their children? will my daughters grow up to think that they should keep their mouths shut in math class because the boys might feel inadequate. at only 6, i already see my oldest daughter deferring to her best friend (who's a boy) because she worries that he won't agree with her. do i want that? HELL NO. i want my girls to feel that they can accomplish anything, but at the same time they need to be aware of others in the world and know that we all have to care for each other.
so what does this have to do with getting back in touch with my friend. well he is showing me new ways to expand my thinking. i'm a pretty open minded person but without fail everytime i've tried to find his limits, he has just rolled with it. when i was a teenager, he always had something new for me to try. no not drugs or such things. good things to expand my horizons and now 17 years later he is still doing it.
my genes tell me to be cynical, not trusting, to find fault in every thing around me. i'm fighting like hell to not be like that. my partner has shown me how to do avoid that pit fall. now chris is showing me new ways to do it. i almost didn't need that tattoo to remind me daily. i wish i knew how to thank him. how to let him know what he means to me and has meant to me for 17 years. how to apologize for not being there for him.
i'm also scared. we have fallen into such a beautiful banter. what if we see each other again and he realizes he made a mistake. i'm so different from the me of all those years ago. he says that he's older too. but he doesn't really know my insecurities, my fears. he has let me leave them at the door of our iming, but they can't be left at the door when we are face to face.
this year i have been trying to live a conscious life. i don't want to go through my life in a fog of just doing because that's what one does. i want to be aware of my choices. for too long i haven't been doing that. i have allowed myself to take the easy way out. i think it started when i was struggling to understand why my body was betraying me and not letting me have the baby i so desperately wanted. i was wrapped up in understanding what karmic retribution i had set me up for to be punished in such a way. that was when the fog set in. then we adopted our daughters and i was trying to keep my head above water. now several years (and another child) later, i want to stop living an unexamined life.
i think this came about for several reasons. one, i turned 30. i have looked forward to being 30 for well over a decade...but the reality of it (like so many other things) has not been what i expected. two, my oldest daughter is getting old enough to see life apart from me. she is learning some of the harsher realities of american society and just like your mother always told you...'do as i say, not as i do' doesn't work. so will my daughters grow up only shopping at large discount stores where the workers who make the products are barely paid enough to feed their children? will my daughters grow up to think that they should keep their mouths shut in math class because the boys might feel inadequate. at only 6, i already see my oldest daughter deferring to her best friend (who's a boy) because she worries that he won't agree with her. do i want that? HELL NO. i want my girls to feel that they can accomplish anything, but at the same time they need to be aware of others in the world and know that we all have to care for each other.
so what does this have to do with getting back in touch with my friend. well he is showing me new ways to expand my thinking. i'm a pretty open minded person but without fail everytime i've tried to find his limits, he has just rolled with it. when i was a teenager, he always had something new for me to try. no not drugs or such things. good things to expand my horizons and now 17 years later he is still doing it.
my genes tell me to be cynical, not trusting, to find fault in every thing around me. i'm fighting like hell to not be like that. my partner has shown me how to do avoid that pit fall. now chris is showing me new ways to do it. i almost didn't need that tattoo to remind me daily. i wish i knew how to thank him. how to let him know what he means to me and has meant to me for 17 years. how to apologize for not being there for him.
i'm also scared. we have fallen into such a beautiful banter. what if we see each other again and he realizes he made a mistake. i'm so different from the me of all those years ago. he says that he's older too. but he doesn't really know my insecurities, my fears. he has let me leave them at the door of our iming, but they can't be left at the door when we are face to face.