You can't change the direction of the winds..but you can adjust the sails
I dont know as though I have ever felt as lost as I do right now. Nor that I have ever felt so empty. I have started reading my bible again some, and started praying again. And I think I may start going back to church, but as hard as it is, and trust me it isnt because anyone has made me feel bad or anything of the sort, I am going to go to a differant church at least at first. I need to know that I am back at church because it is what I want for me, not because it is what I know will make everyone else happy. I want to just sit in on a service where nobody knows me, and nobidy knows my problems. Its the polar opposite of the Cheers theme. ya know...a place where everybody knows your name. I want a place at first where nobody knows my name. Because that way I dont have to deal with all the are you doing okays. Because I dont want to lie to any of you, and at the same time I cant tell you that I am doing okay.Because point blank im not doing okay. I had started going to meetings again, but I dont know how long that is going to last, and I know I told you I would keep going, but I dont know if I can keep that promise, and that breaks my heart more than anything. I never wanted to break a promise to you, but I cant be there because of you either. or else I will turn into Scott, I will go to the meeting, and i will leave and go get high because im not there because I want to be. Right now I have to do what I want to do, and what I need to do. Im so use to basing things on what other people want, and if i am ever going to fully get me back I have to base these decisions on me. I love Metro with all of my heart, and I will get back there, but I honestly think the best thing for me at first will be to go somewhere else for a few weeks, until I can start getting me straightened out. I will be back though, I am determined to get me back. Right now I just have to remeber who I am.