(no subject)
It is 3 am, and this is becoming a disturbing trend. i can not sleep anymore. doesnt matter what time I lie down I can not fall asleep. I am tired of being scared, and nervous, and always having to worry. I want to be able to go to sleep and be able to sleep through the night, not jump up the minute I hear a noise that could even possibly be from my dad. How do I find the happy medium. I dont want anything to happen to my dad obviously, but I am tired of seeing him hurt, and I am tired of seeing him not feel good all the time. He feels like he is walking around with a death sentence hanging over his head, everytime he gets a headache he is scared it is related to the stroke, everytime he gets a chest pain or the chils he is scared it is the heartach. This week alone he will be in and out of the dr 3 times. This was always his biggest fear. Turning into someone in and out of the dr, and not being able to take care of himself. He has gotten to the point where he really has no idea what he is doing half the time, and he hates that and I can see it in his eyes. I dont want this for him anymore. But then I feel like i am wanting him to die. and that is not the case. But hey i am Heather right. I am the one who is suppose to be strong for everyone else, I am the one who is suppose to be able to take care of everyone else. I go on vacation July 13th. To miami. It will be nice. I am excited. Hopefully it will give me the break i need to get myself straightened out. Hopefully I will be able to sleep when I get home. hopefully I will be able to hold up the charade of everything be fine. Better yet maybe when i get back I wont have to hold up the charade.