Chapter 2
Back by popular demand~
Chapter 2: Dating
Oh man what have I gotten myself into. Well, let's see...Dating is defined as "the act of going out regularly to semi-regularly with somebody as a social or romantic partner"
Wow, that could not be a more androidic defenition. So cold, so unfeeling. It's simply not right to give such a plain defenition to a word that encompasses so much comedic magic.
Let me try:
Dating: The act of going into an uncomfortable and more than likely awkward situation with a complete stranger, and (if you are not a total toolbox) turning it into an enjoyable time; then repeating the process on a semi-frequent basis.
Dating (for frat guys): The act of 'Fishing with beer' wherin groups of cro-magnon era men spend copius amounts of time and money planning drunken get togethers wherin they proceed to each bolster each other's outrageous claims in the hope that they might net an unsuspecting female. If they fail to do this, or the female realises the idiocy of said man, and leaves, said man then makes up a story about how he 'did' or 'totally hit that' and tells everyone in his frat.
Dating (for gays): The act of hitting on me and pissing me the fuck off.
Dating (for women only): The act of smiling and laughing politely, then getting free dinner.
Well there are some fun little defenitions no? For brevities sake, we will just go with defenition 1. Lets talk about what a date is like shall we? For an example, we will use Rick and Susy.
Rick: *Ok Rick, it's cool, calm down. Now you know what you are going to do don't you? You are gonna ring that doorbell, she's gonna answer the door, and you are going to say: "You look stunning Susy" with that smile you practiced in the mirror for 3 hours like an ass*
*Ding Dong*
>Door opens<
Rick: "You look stunning Su-
Burly man: Shut up boy. I'm Susies Father.
Rick: *gulp* Hello sir...I um...er, that is...I am here to pick up Susy.
Burly man: You mean you are here to pick up my Daughter. The little girl I raised, and by the grace of god never had to deal with sexed up houndogs like youre sorry ass until now.
Rick: Uh..I guess...
Burly man: Now you listen to me boy. I swear to god whatever you do to her, I am gonna do to you, so I suggest you hold her hand. You got that?
Rick: Yes sir.
Burly man: Fantastic. Have her back by 9. Or I call in my buddies from who are ex-special forces and we have a bag party with your skinny ass. PUMPKIN PIE! YOUR DATE IS HERE! YOU HAVE THAT MACE I GAVE YOU??
Poor Rick. Lets see How he is doing at dinner.
Rick:*Man, Susy sure is pretty. Wait...why wont she eat anything? I bought all this food! Why wont she eat?*
Susy:"Oh Rick, sorry I'm not that hungry, I ate before we left"
Susy:*Holy crap I wish I had eaten something before we left. But I can't eat in front of him, I will look like a pig!*
Rick:"Oh its ok Susy, so uh...thats a nice um...nice locket you have"
Susy:"Oh thanks"
Rick:"Where did you get it?"
Susy:..."It was my grandmothers...it was all she could smuggle over the enemy lines before her home was pilfered and burnt...I dont like to talk about it"
Rick:*Oh jesus. Incoming! Aft thrusters divert power to another goddamn subject before you crash and burn this damn evening jackass!*
Rick:"Wow, uh...this sure is...a uh, funky restaurant huh? Heh, those hawaiians, always with the wierd decorations"
Susy:"I guess you are talking about the Tiki's? The Aboriginee art of carving ancestor spirit guardians into wooden face masks. I suppose it is wierd."
Rick:...*Wow. So she actually pays attention in Anthropology*
Rick:"Yeah, uh..heh"
Looks like Rick is batting zero with the whole dinner and conversation thing. Lets see how he does at the movie.
Rick:*ok, man, here's the sad part...she's gonna be sad...this is the perfect oppurtunity to put my arm around her...just gotta wait*
Susy:*Oh christ here is the sad part. He is SO going to try and put his arm around me. Is that sweat under his arm? Damn...I know! If I lean my head way back into my seat he wont be able to get his arm down*
Rick:*1....2....3....*
Susy:*1....2....3....*
Rick*Now*
Susy:*Now*
>Thud<
Susy: "Gah! Ow!"
Rick: *You IDIOT! YOU ELBOWED HER IN THE EYE!*
Rick: "Oh my god I am SO sorry! Are you ok?!"
Susy: "Yeah...I'm fine...really...no really...it's ok"
Susy: *jackass*
Rick: "Well at least let me go get some ice"
Rick: *If I am lucky I will slip on it and break my neck*
Back home
Rick:"Well....here we are...your front door...I guess...I guess...Ill uh see you later"
Rick: *NO WAY am I getting a goodnight kiss. No fucking way*
Susy: "Uh...well"
Susy: *He was pathetic and inept...but in a kind of cute way...I mean, look at how broken he is! It's almost too adorable. Like a naughty puppy.*
Ruck: *wait...she isnt going in...maybe...maybe she does want a goodnight kiss! Sweet! Oh thank you god!*
Susy: *I hope he doesnt mess this up too. Just lean in, meet me halfway. Cmon, there you go*
>Door opens<
Burly man: "WHAT THE SAM HELL?! SUSY! DONT KISS THAT WET RAT OF A MAN! WAIT, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOUR EYE?! OH SWEET MARY MOTHER OF JESUS, DID HE HIT YOU? DID YOU HIT MY LITTLE GIRL?!"
Rick: "WAIT! Sir! I can explain!"
Susy: "Run you idiot! RUN!"
Burly man: Rebeckah! GET MY GUN! HURRY! NO NOT THAT ONE! THE LOADED ONE!!
Chapter 2: Dating
Oh man what have I gotten myself into. Well, let's see...Dating is defined as "the act of going out regularly to semi-regularly with somebody as a social or romantic partner"
Wow, that could not be a more androidic defenition. So cold, so unfeeling. It's simply not right to give such a plain defenition to a word that encompasses so much comedic magic.
Let me try:
Dating: The act of going into an uncomfortable and more than likely awkward situation with a complete stranger, and (if you are not a total toolbox) turning it into an enjoyable time; then repeating the process on a semi-frequent basis.
Dating (for frat guys): The act of 'Fishing with beer' wherin groups of cro-magnon era men spend copius amounts of time and money planning drunken get togethers wherin they proceed to each bolster each other's outrageous claims in the hope that they might net an unsuspecting female. If they fail to do this, or the female realises the idiocy of said man, and leaves, said man then makes up a story about how he 'did' or 'totally hit that' and tells everyone in his frat.
Dating (for gays): The act of hitting on me and pissing me the fuck off.
Dating (for women only): The act of smiling and laughing politely, then getting free dinner.
Well there are some fun little defenitions no? For brevities sake, we will just go with defenition 1. Lets talk about what a date is like shall we? For an example, we will use Rick and Susy.
Rick: *Ok Rick, it's cool, calm down. Now you know what you are going to do don't you? You are gonna ring that doorbell, she's gonna answer the door, and you are going to say: "You look stunning Susy" with that smile you practiced in the mirror for 3 hours like an ass*
*Ding Dong*
>Door opens<
Rick: "You look stunning Su-
Burly man: Shut up boy. I'm Susies Father.
Rick: *gulp* Hello sir...I um...er, that is...I am here to pick up Susy.
Burly man: You mean you are here to pick up my Daughter. The little girl I raised, and by the grace of god never had to deal with sexed up houndogs like youre sorry ass until now.
Rick: Uh..I guess...
Burly man: Now you listen to me boy. I swear to god whatever you do to her, I am gonna do to you, so I suggest you hold her hand. You got that?
Rick: Yes sir.
Burly man: Fantastic. Have her back by 9. Or I call in my buddies from who are ex-special forces and we have a bag party with your skinny ass. PUMPKIN PIE! YOUR DATE IS HERE! YOU HAVE THAT MACE I GAVE YOU??
Poor Rick. Lets see How he is doing at dinner.
Rick:*Man, Susy sure is pretty. Wait...why wont she eat anything? I bought all this food! Why wont she eat?*
Susy:"Oh Rick, sorry I'm not that hungry, I ate before we left"
Susy:*Holy crap I wish I had eaten something before we left. But I can't eat in front of him, I will look like a pig!*
Rick:"Oh its ok Susy, so uh...thats a nice um...nice locket you have"
Susy:"Oh thanks"
Rick:"Where did you get it?"
Susy:..."It was my grandmothers...it was all she could smuggle over the enemy lines before her home was pilfered and burnt...I dont like to talk about it"
Rick:*Oh jesus. Incoming! Aft thrusters divert power to another goddamn subject before you crash and burn this damn evening jackass!*
Rick:"Wow, uh...this sure is...a uh, funky restaurant huh? Heh, those hawaiians, always with the wierd decorations"
Susy:"I guess you are talking about the Tiki's? The Aboriginee art of carving ancestor spirit guardians into wooden face masks. I suppose it is wierd."
Rick:...*Wow. So she actually pays attention in Anthropology*
Rick:"Yeah, uh..heh"
Looks like Rick is batting zero with the whole dinner and conversation thing. Lets see how he does at the movie.
Rick:*ok, man, here's the sad part...she's gonna be sad...this is the perfect oppurtunity to put my arm around her...just gotta wait*
Susy:*Oh christ here is the sad part. He is SO going to try and put his arm around me. Is that sweat under his arm? Damn...I know! If I lean my head way back into my seat he wont be able to get his arm down*
Rick:*1....2....3....*
Susy:*1....2....3....*
Rick*Now*
Susy:*Now*
>Thud<
Susy: "Gah! Ow!"
Rick: *You IDIOT! YOU ELBOWED HER IN THE EYE!*
Rick: "Oh my god I am SO sorry! Are you ok?!"
Susy: "Yeah...I'm fine...really...no really...it's ok"
Susy: *jackass*
Rick: "Well at least let me go get some ice"
Rick: *If I am lucky I will slip on it and break my neck*
Back home
Rick:"Well....here we are...your front door...I guess...I guess...Ill uh see you later"
Rick: *NO WAY am I getting a goodnight kiss. No fucking way*
Susy: "Uh...well"
Susy: *He was pathetic and inept...but in a kind of cute way...I mean, look at how broken he is! It's almost too adorable. Like a naughty puppy.*
Ruck: *wait...she isnt going in...maybe...maybe she does want a goodnight kiss! Sweet! Oh thank you god!*
Susy: *I hope he doesnt mess this up too. Just lean in, meet me halfway. Cmon, there you go*
>Door opens<
Burly man: "WHAT THE SAM HELL?! SUSY! DONT KISS THAT WET RAT OF A MAN! WAIT, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOUR EYE?! OH SWEET MARY MOTHER OF JESUS, DID HE HIT YOU? DID YOU HIT MY LITTLE GIRL?!"
Rick: "WAIT! Sir! I can explain!"
Susy: "Run you idiot! RUN!"
Burly man: Rebeckah! GET MY GUN! HURRY! NO NOT THAT ONE! THE LOADED ONE!!