Best Friends Forever?
When I was growing up, I suffered from an affliction comparable to "A woman gotta have a man." I call it "A girl gotta have a Best Friend."
A friend is someone I know and like. You're reading this, so you're probably a friend. Some of my friends get other titles. "Flatmate," "Officemate", "Ex", "Datebuddy", "A bloke I went to uni with", "girlfriend", whatever. Still friends. It's a lovely generic noun and I apply it liberally.
But the Best Friend: that's something else entirely. That's a label. That's the One Friend to rule all Friends. You talk to her - occasionally a boy might be allowed to be a Best Friend, if you were a racy Tomboy. I never had one - everyday come rain or shine, and tell everything to. It's not just a friendship. It's a Friendship. And it's supposed to be magical and wonderful. I mean, look at Hollywood! You never see people going on roadtrips away from rapists with That Woman From my Reading Group. You never see guys fighting off Zombies with their fuckbuddy and the Guy Who Rents the Spare Room Since the Last Flatmate Went to Australia (if you're merely Flatmate, you die in the second act. Only Best Friends get to sacrifice themselves nobly at the end)
Dear gods help me, I treated my each and every one of my Best Friends - and I got through them like toilet paper - like we were in a relationship. I was demanding and clingy and I have no idea why they stayed with me as long.
I was a terrible Best Friend, probably because I kept trying to make a Commitment, and demanding one back. It's horrible to look at in hindsight. Either I rated my Best Friend as higher than she did me (Kate) Or I latched on to her, said we were Best Friend and insisted we do everything together and used the phrase 'we' more often than 'I' (Ellie). It was messy and emotionally driven and always ALWAYS exploded in a dramatic breakup. And then Best Friend became Ex-Best Friend. After Ellie, I even said "I'm never having a Best Friend ever again." Then I found Kyoko. Fucking hells, it reads like the kind of Stupid Woman you hated on TV. Jesu, no wonder I never dated at Grammar School.
In Sixth Form, I grew up somewhat. I had boyfriends. We broke up amiably and then had ex- issues. All this time, my Best Friend was a girl called Jane. And you know what was different about that? She called me her Best Friend first. In dating-analogy, she asked me out. And that was a good friendship. At least I think it was. I liked her a lot. We got on well. When we went to university, she became my Best Friend From School. It didn't matter that we weren't in touch that much, we were always going to be Best Friends From School.
Anyway, recently there was drama in which she fobbed me off about our traditional New Years celebrations. And I found out from another mutual friend that in general she hasn't progressed much from her schooldays attitude.
At university I had a few candidates for best friend, but by then I was old enough to have dropped the capitals. One of them, Vicky, I had a major falling out with. And it wasn't pretty.
You see, it was her student accommodation I was walking home from when I was raped. It was Vicky who was with me from 9 to 5 for the week while I was doing my statement. She was there for me.
And then I got clingy and demanding and Post-Traumatic and she had enough, so she walked out. See how it's the girlfriend analogy again? I used to treat my friendships like relationships.
Incidentally, with my ACTUAL relationship with Rob, I was also clingy and demanding and we broke up with High Drama.
Now? If you asked me who my best friend was, I'd tell you it was drakhen. If you asked me who drakhen was, I'd tell you she was my flatmate. We've had fights. We've made each other cry. We've fallings out. We've had LJDRAMA, for chrissakes. But we know each other. We talk nearly everyday. ("Morning." "Morning. You in tonight?" "Nope. Gonna pub." "Kay. Bye." "Bye."). It works. Why? Because I've realised that there's no such thing as a Best Friend. Just the friend you know the best.
If I got married in two weeks instead of Die Schwester, I'd probably have three bridesmaids and a best man (shut up). And one of them would be Die Schwester. At least one of the others would probably be surprised to be asked, but meh. *shrugs*
See, I don't treat my friends as people with whom I have Relationships. Friends are people to hang out with and have fun with. And I'm rather laissez faire about my friendships. When you're my friend, I'll lend you money, let you rant at me, maybe rant at you back, offer advice, walk to the ends of the earth and back for you. If I upset you by accident, I'd want to know so I could atone and apologise. I spend a lot of my time fretting that people don't like me. I live in continual fear that people are just pretending to like me. (and some of you are worse for giving me that feeling than others. Probably not your fault.)
But I won't fight to keep you. I just won't. If you have a problem with me and act wanky about it, I'll shrug you off like an old coat. Behaving like a bitch? Telling lies about me? Meh. You're clearly not my friend. If you tell me I upset you and how, I'll apologise. If you tell third parties that I did something I didn't, I won't bother finding you to correct you. Maybe it's the conflict-avoidance part of my personality, but if you have a problem with me, than you're the one with the problem.
But then, a week later, if you ask me out for a drink and I have nothing to do, sure, I'll come. Grudges don't really last that long. I'll do anything if I think it'll be fun. After all. You were the one that bitched and caused the drama. If you get over that, then that's fine and dandy. And maybe we'll even talk about it at the pub and have a good laugh.
And that's my thoughts on friendships.
A friend is someone I know and like. You're reading this, so you're probably a friend. Some of my friends get other titles. "Flatmate," "Officemate", "Ex", "Datebuddy", "A bloke I went to uni with", "girlfriend", whatever. Still friends. It's a lovely generic noun and I apply it liberally.
But the Best Friend: that's something else entirely. That's a label. That's the One Friend to rule all Friends. You talk to her - occasionally a boy might be allowed to be a Best Friend, if you were a racy Tomboy. I never had one - everyday come rain or shine, and tell everything to. It's not just a friendship. It's a Friendship. And it's supposed to be magical and wonderful. I mean, look at Hollywood! You never see people going on roadtrips away from rapists with That Woman From my Reading Group. You never see guys fighting off Zombies with their fuckbuddy and the Guy Who Rents the Spare Room Since the Last Flatmate Went to Australia (if you're merely Flatmate, you die in the second act. Only Best Friends get to sacrifice themselves nobly at the end)
Dear gods help me, I treated my each and every one of my Best Friends - and I got through them like toilet paper - like we were in a relationship. I was demanding and clingy and I have no idea why they stayed with me as long.
I was a terrible Best Friend, probably because I kept trying to make a Commitment, and demanding one back. It's horrible to look at in hindsight. Either I rated my Best Friend as higher than she did me (Kate) Or I latched on to her, said we were Best Friend and insisted we do everything together and used the phrase 'we' more often than 'I' (Ellie). It was messy and emotionally driven and always ALWAYS exploded in a dramatic breakup. And then Best Friend became Ex-Best Friend. After Ellie, I even said "I'm never having a Best Friend ever again." Then I found Kyoko. Fucking hells, it reads like the kind of Stupid Woman you hated on TV. Jesu, no wonder I never dated at Grammar School.
In Sixth Form, I grew up somewhat. I had boyfriends. We broke up amiably and then had ex- issues. All this time, my Best Friend was a girl called Jane. And you know what was different about that? She called me her Best Friend first. In dating-analogy, she asked me out. And that was a good friendship. At least I think it was. I liked her a lot. We got on well. When we went to university, she became my Best Friend From School. It didn't matter that we weren't in touch that much, we were always going to be Best Friends From School.
Anyway, recently there was drama in which she fobbed me off about our traditional New Years celebrations. And I found out from another mutual friend that in general she hasn't progressed much from her schooldays attitude.
At university I had a few candidates for best friend, but by then I was old enough to have dropped the capitals. One of them, Vicky, I had a major falling out with. And it wasn't pretty.
You see, it was her student accommodation I was walking home from when I was raped. It was Vicky who was with me from 9 to 5 for the week while I was doing my statement. She was there for me.
And then I got clingy and demanding and Post-Traumatic and she had enough, so she walked out. See how it's the girlfriend analogy again? I used to treat my friendships like relationships.
Incidentally, with my ACTUAL relationship with Rob, I was also clingy and demanding and we broke up with High Drama.
Now? If you asked me who my best friend was, I'd tell you it was drakhen. If you asked me who drakhen was, I'd tell you she was my flatmate. We've had fights. We've made each other cry. We've fallings out. We've had LJDRAMA, for chrissakes. But we know each other. We talk nearly everyday. ("Morning." "Morning. You in tonight?" "Nope. Gonna pub." "Kay. Bye." "Bye."). It works. Why? Because I've realised that there's no such thing as a Best Friend. Just the friend you know the best.
If I got married in two weeks instead of Die Schwester, I'd probably have three bridesmaids and a best man (shut up). And one of them would be Die Schwester. At least one of the others would probably be surprised to be asked, but meh. *shrugs*
See, I don't treat my friends as people with whom I have Relationships. Friends are people to hang out with and have fun with. And I'm rather laissez faire about my friendships. When you're my friend, I'll lend you money, let you rant at me, maybe rant at you back, offer advice, walk to the ends of the earth and back for you. If I upset you by accident, I'd want to know so I could atone and apologise. I spend a lot of my time fretting that people don't like me. I live in continual fear that people are just pretending to like me. (and some of you are worse for giving me that feeling than others. Probably not your fault.)
But I won't fight to keep you. I just won't. If you have a problem with me and act wanky about it, I'll shrug you off like an old coat. Behaving like a bitch? Telling lies about me? Meh. You're clearly not my friend. If you tell me I upset you and how, I'll apologise. If you tell third parties that I did something I didn't, I won't bother finding you to correct you. Maybe it's the conflict-avoidance part of my personality, but if you have a problem with me, than you're the one with the problem.
But then, a week later, if you ask me out for a drink and I have nothing to do, sure, I'll come. Grudges don't really last that long. I'll do anything if I think it'll be fun. After all. You were the one that bitched and caused the drama. If you get over that, then that's fine and dandy. And maybe we'll even talk about it at the pub and have a good laugh.
And that's my thoughts on friendships.