Domestic Bliss
Oh man. XD
wind_borne requested a Kakuzu and Hidan story using the keyword "buttplug," and...my imagination got raunchy. 8D
SO.
Domestic Bliss
Rated R (for lots of swearing and...mental images)
All Kakuzu wanted to do was count the money in his wallet, because he’d had a long day and he liked to hear the sound of coins clinking together when he was grumpy. Of course, he liked to hear the sound of coins clinking together when he wasn’t grumpy, but he really needed to hear them now.
But first, he had to answer the call of nature.
He knew something was up as soon as he entered the bathroom and saw blood smeared all over the floor and the mirror above the sink and the sink itself.
“Hidan,” he growled. "That little bastard.” Kakuzu didn’t have to pee anymore. Or if he did, he was too incensed to care. He stalked down the hall toward the dorms, muttering under his breath about cleaning supplies and blood staining everything and didn’t that prima donna realize how much it would cost to treat marble tile?
Once he reached their room, he flung the door open, positively seething. “So what’s it this time? A goat? An entire harem of virgins-?”
He stopped short. Hidan lie facedown on his bed, an arm and a leg hanging limply over the side of it. Kakuzu had seen him in similar positions before, so he didn’t dare hope that Hidan had finally managed to kill himself. The pike wasn’t much of a surprise, either. Most of Hidan’s crazy religious rituals involved the pike in some way, and Hidan being stabbed with the pike.
Sure. Whatever. But.
Normally, the pike impaled him through the chest.
It definitely was not impaling his chest today.
Kakuzu, quite frankly, had no idea what to make of this.
“Does Jashin get off on sodomy or something?” He tried to avert his eyes from the…well, the spectacle, but it was just like talking to a girl with huge tits-he couldn’t look away.
Which disturbed him. Because it meant he was staring at Hidan’s ass. His lily-white, bare ass.
“Shut up, pagan,” Hidan said, voice muffled by his pillow. “Don’t defile my God with-oh fuck me this hurts…I feel like I’m being assraped by a fucking elephant…”
Kakuzu shuddered. The mental images floating around in his head were enough to warrant getting completely shitfaced and taking a vacation to some remote island far away from civilization. And pikes. And elephants.
“What the hell did you do? I mean, how did you…how did that…”
Hidan managed to lift his head somewhat, and he glared at Kakuzu, though the effect wasn’t nearly as frightening as he probably intended it to be, considering…just considering.
“Kakuzu.” He sounded like he’d swallowed a pound of gravel. “There’s a pike shoved up my ass, and all you can do is ask me how it got there?”
Kakuzu crossed his arms, bristling. “What do you want me to do, your worship? Pull it out?”
“Yes!”
Silence.
And then, “You want me to touch that pike.”
“No, I want you to decorate it like Charlie Brown’s fucking Christmas tree and sing carols.”
More silence.
“You want me to pull it out.” A pause. “Of your ass.”
“Or my foot. Or my ear. Or how about the part when I said, Yes, Kakuzu, I want you to pull the fucking pike out of my ass please, you stupid cocksucker? Jesus. It’s like I’m yapping at the fucking wall.”
Kakuzu had two options, here. He could leave now and pretend like this little interlude never happened, or he could stay and pull the pike out.
If he left, Hidan wouldn’t let him forget it. He’d put some sort of wonky curse on Kakuzu or torment him with lengthy diatribes on his impending damnation while he was trying to sleep or sabotage any attempts he made to earn a profit in the future.
But if he stayed, there was a good possibility he’d end up groping Hidan by accident.
Every woman’s dream, perhaps, but not Kakuzu’s. He could happily forgo the chance to cop a feel without any regret whatsoever.
He didn’t believe in karma, and yet…
Damn.
“Okay, okay,” he said gruffly, though he still hadn’t moved an inch after a minute had gone by. He kept thinking about elephants and Hidan’s white, white ass-he must’ve yanked his breeches off (torn them off, more accurately, judging from the tattered fabric surrounding the pike) while attempting to remove it himself-and how gay he’d be if he did slip and…touch.
“Come on, you ugly sonofabitch. Quit leering at me and just do it already.”
It was the “leering” comment that kicked Kakuzu into gear. He was certainly not leering, because you only leer at someone if you’re interested in getting inside their pants.
“One of these days, I’m going to kill you, I swear to god.”
“Dude, you’re an atheist, seriously. What god are you swearing to-ow! Don’t pull so hard! I felt that in my jaw.”
“Oh yeah?” Kakuzu tried to get a better grip on the pike, though it was kind of difficult with Hidan sprawled all over the bed the way he was. “Maybe you’ll shut up then.” He gave the pike another experimental tug, and Hidan flailed like he was being electrocuted.
“Mother fucker! Go ahead, just rip my intestines out while you’re at it…ohhh owwwww…”
By this point, Kakuzu had had enough.
“Look,” he snarled, “do you want the fucking pike out, or don’t you?”
Well. He must’ve been more razzed than he realized.
“Holy shit. You’re testy, seriously. You need a nap, man.”
No, what Kakuzu needed was to count his money. What Kakuzu needed was a new freaking partner. What Kakuzu needed was to not have to look up Hidan’s bunghole, please and thanks.
“I betcha you slipped on your own blood and fell on the pike and that’s how it got stuck,” he muttered.
Hidan didn’t say anything, which Kakuzu took as confirmation.
“See? I knew it.” He let go of the pike. “Get on your hands and knees.”
“What?” Hidan whipped his head around. “Dude, that’s raunchy. That’s like… porno dialogue. God, you’re so steeped in sin-”
“Fine. Have fun by yourself.”
“Wait, wait! All right.” Shakily, Hidan did what he was told-for the first time ever, Kakuzu was inclined to think-and cast a wary glance over his shoulder. “Now what? You gonna take advantage of me or something?”
Kakuzu almost said that he couldn’t very well take advantage of a guy with a pike sticking out of his ass, but he didn’t because there probably was a way to…do things using the pike. And besides, saying anything of that nature would suggest he had actually considered doing those things. Which he hadn’t.
So instead, he said, “This won’t work. Get on the floor. The bed’s too springy.”
“Are you fucking kidding me? On the floor? I don’t want to get on the floor. It’s cold down there. I’ll break out in goosebumps, seriously.”
Whine, whine, whine. Kakuzu was sick of whining. Kakuzu was sick of Hidan, period.
“You’ll do it, or you’ll be puking the pike out.”
Hidan made a few strangled squawking noises before slithering off the bed, cursing and carrying on like a woman in labor. “I hate you. I hate you so fucking much I feel dirty, that’s how much I hate you.”
It took all of his willpower for Kakuzu not to laugh. And even then, he still snickered a little.
“No love lost, sweetheart,” he said, and grabbed the pike again. “Ready?”
“Yes,” came Hidan’s sulky reply.
He tugged. Once. Twice. Three times.
No dice.
Hidan pitched a fit.
“It’s not out? After all that, it’s not…let me die. Just let me die, you stupid fucking turd…”
Oh, if only.
Kakuzu decided he’d have to switch tactics. Telling himself that he was by no means a pervert or whatever for doing this-he was not, he was not, he was not-he straddled the end of the pike backwards, careful to avoid bumping Hidan’s ass with his own, and heaved.
He didn’t expect the pike to go flying. Or for the momentum to knock him into Hidan, whose ass he touched anyhow, despite all his precaution.
But the pike was out, in any case.
“Kakuzu.”
Hidan’s face was squashed against the floor, since Kakuzu had landed on top of him.
Kakuzu figured it might be prudent to find someplace else to sit.
“Huh?”
He wasn’t about to apologize, though.
“Thanks.”
Kakuzu blinked. Hidan, thanking him? No way. Uh-uh.
“Tch. Whate-”
“Busted, un.”
Kakuzu paled, and his heart dropped to his toes. He’d forgotten to shut the door when he came in.
“Is this one of your rituals, Hidan? I knew there was some crazy shit goin’ on with that psycho religion-”
Though he was prone a second ago, Hidan reanimated himself very quickly (his mouth, anyway). “I’m celibate, you bastard! This isn’t what it-you.” He rounded on Kakuzu-or tried to. His ass was bleeding and most of his energy was sapped, so he could barely turn his head. “This is your fault, dumbass!”
“My fault? My fault?” Okay, so Kakuzu left the door open. And okay, it was partially his fault. But still. “I’m not the clumsy retard who fell on the pike. If you weren’t such a fucking masochist, none of this would’ve-”
“It isn’t masochism, you ignorant moron. It’s cleansing.”
“Cleansing. Right. And who’s going to cleanse the blood in the fucking bathroom, huh?”
“I’ll clean it up. I always clean it up! You know I always-”
“You do not. I clean it. Remember last time? I spent all day scrubbing the shower, because someone didn’t-”
“Dude, I was sick. I was in bed with a fucking fever, seriously.”
“Because you stabbed yourself! Of course you had a fever!”
And so on and so forth.
They continued arguing for a half an hour straight, until Hidan passed out and Kakuzu’s bladder threatened to explode.
Deidara witnessed the entire thing.
And from then on, the term “buttplug” became an inside joke among the Akatsuki-except for Kakuzu and Hidan.
They were on the outside of the joke.
---
I think a lot of this was the result of stress and a severe lack of sleep. 8D
wind_borne requested a Kakuzu and Hidan story using the keyword "buttplug," and...my imagination got raunchy. 8D
SO.
Domestic Bliss
Rated R (for lots of swearing and...mental images)
All Kakuzu wanted to do was count the money in his wallet, because he’d had a long day and he liked to hear the sound of coins clinking together when he was grumpy. Of course, he liked to hear the sound of coins clinking together when he wasn’t grumpy, but he really needed to hear them now.
But first, he had to answer the call of nature.
He knew something was up as soon as he entered the bathroom and saw blood smeared all over the floor and the mirror above the sink and the sink itself.
“Hidan,” he growled. "That little bastard.” Kakuzu didn’t have to pee anymore. Or if he did, he was too incensed to care. He stalked down the hall toward the dorms, muttering under his breath about cleaning supplies and blood staining everything and didn’t that prima donna realize how much it would cost to treat marble tile?
Once he reached their room, he flung the door open, positively seething. “So what’s it this time? A goat? An entire harem of virgins-?”
He stopped short. Hidan lie facedown on his bed, an arm and a leg hanging limply over the side of it. Kakuzu had seen him in similar positions before, so he didn’t dare hope that Hidan had finally managed to kill himself. The pike wasn’t much of a surprise, either. Most of Hidan’s crazy religious rituals involved the pike in some way, and Hidan being stabbed with the pike.
Sure. Whatever. But.
Normally, the pike impaled him through the chest.
It definitely was not impaling his chest today.
Kakuzu, quite frankly, had no idea what to make of this.
“Does Jashin get off on sodomy or something?” He tried to avert his eyes from the…well, the spectacle, but it was just like talking to a girl with huge tits-he couldn’t look away.
Which disturbed him. Because it meant he was staring at Hidan’s ass. His lily-white, bare ass.
“Shut up, pagan,” Hidan said, voice muffled by his pillow. “Don’t defile my God with-oh fuck me this hurts…I feel like I’m being assraped by a fucking elephant…”
Kakuzu shuddered. The mental images floating around in his head were enough to warrant getting completely shitfaced and taking a vacation to some remote island far away from civilization. And pikes. And elephants.
“What the hell did you do? I mean, how did you…how did that…”
Hidan managed to lift his head somewhat, and he glared at Kakuzu, though the effect wasn’t nearly as frightening as he probably intended it to be, considering…just considering.
“Kakuzu.” He sounded like he’d swallowed a pound of gravel. “There’s a pike shoved up my ass, and all you can do is ask me how it got there?”
Kakuzu crossed his arms, bristling. “What do you want me to do, your worship? Pull it out?”
“Yes!”
Silence.
And then, “You want me to touch that pike.”
“No, I want you to decorate it like Charlie Brown’s fucking Christmas tree and sing carols.”
More silence.
“You want me to pull it out.” A pause. “Of your ass.”
“Or my foot. Or my ear. Or how about the part when I said, Yes, Kakuzu, I want you to pull the fucking pike out of my ass please, you stupid cocksucker? Jesus. It’s like I’m yapping at the fucking wall.”
Kakuzu had two options, here. He could leave now and pretend like this little interlude never happened, or he could stay and pull the pike out.
If he left, Hidan wouldn’t let him forget it. He’d put some sort of wonky curse on Kakuzu or torment him with lengthy diatribes on his impending damnation while he was trying to sleep or sabotage any attempts he made to earn a profit in the future.
But if he stayed, there was a good possibility he’d end up groping Hidan by accident.
Every woman’s dream, perhaps, but not Kakuzu’s. He could happily forgo the chance to cop a feel without any regret whatsoever.
He didn’t believe in karma, and yet…
Damn.
“Okay, okay,” he said gruffly, though he still hadn’t moved an inch after a minute had gone by. He kept thinking about elephants and Hidan’s white, white ass-he must’ve yanked his breeches off (torn them off, more accurately, judging from the tattered fabric surrounding the pike) while attempting to remove it himself-and how gay he’d be if he did slip and…touch.
“Come on, you ugly sonofabitch. Quit leering at me and just do it already.”
It was the “leering” comment that kicked Kakuzu into gear. He was certainly not leering, because you only leer at someone if you’re interested in getting inside their pants.
“One of these days, I’m going to kill you, I swear to god.”
“Dude, you’re an atheist, seriously. What god are you swearing to-ow! Don’t pull so hard! I felt that in my jaw.”
“Oh yeah?” Kakuzu tried to get a better grip on the pike, though it was kind of difficult with Hidan sprawled all over the bed the way he was. “Maybe you’ll shut up then.” He gave the pike another experimental tug, and Hidan flailed like he was being electrocuted.
“Mother fucker! Go ahead, just rip my intestines out while you’re at it…ohhh owwwww…”
By this point, Kakuzu had had enough.
“Look,” he snarled, “do you want the fucking pike out, or don’t you?”
Well. He must’ve been more razzed than he realized.
“Holy shit. You’re testy, seriously. You need a nap, man.”
No, what Kakuzu needed was to count his money. What Kakuzu needed was a new freaking partner. What Kakuzu needed was to not have to look up Hidan’s bunghole, please and thanks.
“I betcha you slipped on your own blood and fell on the pike and that’s how it got stuck,” he muttered.
Hidan didn’t say anything, which Kakuzu took as confirmation.
“See? I knew it.” He let go of the pike. “Get on your hands and knees.”
“What?” Hidan whipped his head around. “Dude, that’s raunchy. That’s like… porno dialogue. God, you’re so steeped in sin-”
“Fine. Have fun by yourself.”
“Wait, wait! All right.” Shakily, Hidan did what he was told-for the first time ever, Kakuzu was inclined to think-and cast a wary glance over his shoulder. “Now what? You gonna take advantage of me or something?”
Kakuzu almost said that he couldn’t very well take advantage of a guy with a pike sticking out of his ass, but he didn’t because there probably was a way to…do things using the pike. And besides, saying anything of that nature would suggest he had actually considered doing those things. Which he hadn’t.
So instead, he said, “This won’t work. Get on the floor. The bed’s too springy.”
“Are you fucking kidding me? On the floor? I don’t want to get on the floor. It’s cold down there. I’ll break out in goosebumps, seriously.”
Whine, whine, whine. Kakuzu was sick of whining. Kakuzu was sick of Hidan, period.
“You’ll do it, or you’ll be puking the pike out.”
Hidan made a few strangled squawking noises before slithering off the bed, cursing and carrying on like a woman in labor. “I hate you. I hate you so fucking much I feel dirty, that’s how much I hate you.”
It took all of his willpower for Kakuzu not to laugh. And even then, he still snickered a little.
“No love lost, sweetheart,” he said, and grabbed the pike again. “Ready?”
“Yes,” came Hidan’s sulky reply.
He tugged. Once. Twice. Three times.
No dice.
Hidan pitched a fit.
“It’s not out? After all that, it’s not…let me die. Just let me die, you stupid fucking turd…”
Oh, if only.
Kakuzu decided he’d have to switch tactics. Telling himself that he was by no means a pervert or whatever for doing this-he was not, he was not, he was not-he straddled the end of the pike backwards, careful to avoid bumping Hidan’s ass with his own, and heaved.
He didn’t expect the pike to go flying. Or for the momentum to knock him into Hidan, whose ass he touched anyhow, despite all his precaution.
But the pike was out, in any case.
“Kakuzu.”
Hidan’s face was squashed against the floor, since Kakuzu had landed on top of him.
Kakuzu figured it might be prudent to find someplace else to sit.
“Huh?”
He wasn’t about to apologize, though.
“Thanks.”
Kakuzu blinked. Hidan, thanking him? No way. Uh-uh.
“Tch. Whate-”
“Busted, un.”
Kakuzu paled, and his heart dropped to his toes. He’d forgotten to shut the door when he came in.
“Is this one of your rituals, Hidan? I knew there was some crazy shit goin’ on with that psycho religion-”
Though he was prone a second ago, Hidan reanimated himself very quickly (his mouth, anyway). “I’m celibate, you bastard! This isn’t what it-you.” He rounded on Kakuzu-or tried to. His ass was bleeding and most of his energy was sapped, so he could barely turn his head. “This is your fault, dumbass!”
“My fault? My fault?” Okay, so Kakuzu left the door open. And okay, it was partially his fault. But still. “I’m not the clumsy retard who fell on the pike. If you weren’t such a fucking masochist, none of this would’ve-”
“It isn’t masochism, you ignorant moron. It’s cleansing.”
“Cleansing. Right. And who’s going to cleanse the blood in the fucking bathroom, huh?”
“I’ll clean it up. I always clean it up! You know I always-”
“You do not. I clean it. Remember last time? I spent all day scrubbing the shower, because someone didn’t-”
“Dude, I was sick. I was in bed with a fucking fever, seriously.”
“Because you stabbed yourself! Of course you had a fever!”
And so on and so forth.
They continued arguing for a half an hour straight, until Hidan passed out and Kakuzu’s bladder threatened to explode.
Deidara witnessed the entire thing.
And from then on, the term “buttplug” became an inside joke among the Akatsuki-except for Kakuzu and Hidan.
They were on the outside of the joke.
---
I think a lot of this was the result of stress and a severe lack of sleep. 8D