Holiday sadness
Boy...I sure didn't realize how hard it would get for me during the holiday season...All Thanksgiving I spent moping around the house, staring at pictures of my brother and crying or watching my parents cry. It's such a heartbreaker to see the sadness, pain and disbelief in my parents face as they slowly but surely come to the realization that my brother really is gone. I can't stand to see my dad cry the way that he does =(. Something like this never should have never happened to such good people, especially because daddy saves lives for a living.
One more thing that I realized is how much pain I have left inside myself, and all the grief thats left that I cover up by keeping myself busy with work, school, my friends and partying. Another thing that I found out about myself over break is that it still takes me a long time to open up to people, whether I trust them or not. It's still hard for me to this day to say that he really is gone, and that I am only child left for my parents. As much as I love being home, it helps me to be away from home, because I can deal with it better. The first thing I see when I come home is visions of things that my brother used to do at home, and also things that we used to do as a family. While I can cope better at school, I like to come and see a smile and some life to my mommy. I can't stand to see how much pain she is in, I know that she's a mother and she will never be able to get over the fact that her son is gone.
I have come to the realization that I need to do well for myself and make my parents proud so that I can keep them smiling for at least a little while. I think going to India will be a good thing for my parents and I, while i know that the wounds will be gashed open yet again, I know that it needs to be done. If I don't see my grandparents before they die, then I know that I'll have regrets, just the same way that I have regrets about all the things I never said to my brother, and also all the things I never did with him. Deep down, I wish i had seen it coming, then it would have been much easier to handle, but he's gone now, and I will have to deal with it for the rest of my life. I have to deal with the fact that my kids will never get to see their uncle, and that my husband will never know what a wonderful brother-in-law he would have had. The holiday season is going to be a toughy for me, but I'm going to try to hold my head up high and get through it the best that I can. All I have to do is try to remember the good times, and not dwell on the bad things that happened this year.
One more thing that I realized is how much pain I have left inside myself, and all the grief thats left that I cover up by keeping myself busy with work, school, my friends and partying. Another thing that I found out about myself over break is that it still takes me a long time to open up to people, whether I trust them or not. It's still hard for me to this day to say that he really is gone, and that I am only child left for my parents. As much as I love being home, it helps me to be away from home, because I can deal with it better. The first thing I see when I come home is visions of things that my brother used to do at home, and also things that we used to do as a family. While I can cope better at school, I like to come and see a smile and some life to my mommy. I can't stand to see how much pain she is in, I know that she's a mother and she will never be able to get over the fact that her son is gone.
I have come to the realization that I need to do well for myself and make my parents proud so that I can keep them smiling for at least a little while. I think going to India will be a good thing for my parents and I, while i know that the wounds will be gashed open yet again, I know that it needs to be done. If I don't see my grandparents before they die, then I know that I'll have regrets, just the same way that I have regrets about all the things I never said to my brother, and also all the things I never did with him. Deep down, I wish i had seen it coming, then it would have been much easier to handle, but he's gone now, and I will have to deal with it for the rest of my life. I have to deal with the fact that my kids will never get to see their uncle, and that my husband will never know what a wonderful brother-in-law he would have had. The holiday season is going to be a toughy for me, but I'm going to try to hold my head up high and get through it the best that I can. All I have to do is try to remember the good times, and not dwell on the bad things that happened this year.