Title: She Kisses Harder (1/5)

[inmyth]

Title: She Kisses Harder
Author: inmyth
Pairing: Original male/male slash
Genre: Romance, Drama
Rating: R
Summary: Ryan and Craig have been best friends since the day Craig whacked Ryan's face with a bucket when they were both four-years-old. Now as the years have piled on, so have Ryan's feelings for Craig. Will Craig accept Ryan's affections or will

Comments

[tofumice]

OKAY!
As for perspective, I think choosing an actual character really helped to give insight to what he was feeling. Like perfectly. It wouldn't have worked, I don't think, in third person trying to explain what ... the kid... arg... RYAN! What he was feeling or thinking. It just wouldn't have rolled so smoothly.

And on that note, I'd like to say this didn't roll extremely smoothly. It seemed jumpy, like a normal thought process, but very difficult to read as a human being on the outside. What I'm saying is, to someone who is reading this story, it's jumbled and confusing at some points. The random incerpts of thought that didn't go along with the topic of the paragraph made it difficult to read.

Overall, it was funny. Perfectly representing the viewpoint of a cynical 17yr old dude. So it was itneresting to read, which almost trumpts the lack of organization. And the whole bucket thing, you're little summary, is what drew me in. So good job with that.

Also, the subject matter in here, doesn't it seem a little... I don't know, cliche? Guy ends up liking his best friend, who may or may not like him back, and then spin the bottle at some random party? I swear I had deja vu to a story I read a little while back, "Bless me Father For I Have Sinned" or something on fictionpress.com. I swear that's exactly how it started off. Haha, a random party and then spin the bottle and then by some happenings of luck, they get stuck kissing each other. Not that it's a bad thing, things like that happen (I guess, but I can't remember the last time someone played spin the bottle), but it just... I don't know, seems like it wasn't very creative. BUT! I'm interested in seeing how this developes. The characters were very strong (or Ryan was) and the flow of it was humorous and interesting. Though I get the idea this won't end very happily. Heh heh.

Nicely written though. Definitely worth following up on.

[inmyth]

I honestly lose at organising thoughts. I'm just really really really bad at it, so I hope I'll perhaps improve along the way. Fingers crossed anyways.

Also, the subject matter? I dreamt this story up. As in, I actually had a dream that my friend Ryan was in a party where he snogged this guy through Spin the Bottle and that guy's girlfriend got jealous. So when I told him about it, he was like, 'you should write it.' And so I did XD! I wasn't particularly going for the most unique plot line there is haha.

This story, in its entirety, is all sorts of stupid. It makes me roll my eyes whenever I go through what I've written so it not only pleases me, but surprises me too, when someone comments that they're looking forward to the next part. Thank you.

[tofumice]

Heh heh. With practice you get better I spose.
And it's almost awesome you dreamt it up. If only story lines came to me while I was sleeping... That would be so nice.