music is the key ingrediant to my soul
I haven't updated like I wanted, in fact I haven't really done half as much as I wanted to this year already. I'm dragging my feet in hopes that reality isn't real. That I'm going to wake up and Kristy will be there reassuring me it was all a bad dream. This is ridiculous, I have had enough relationships especially bad ones to know this expectation is unreasonable. Still I find peace in solitude. I rest comfortable after noticing my pets adjusting to the new found peace in the house. It brings me reassurance that I might soon find strength to adjust too. She emailed me and I bit, fish hook and line. It's now been 4 days since I've heard from her. Where we are usually connected in spirit feels...severed. I'm worried more that she was in an accident, than if she fell off the wagon. The guy that did my new tattoo was recently broken hearted as well. In reference to his ex gf he said "She comes and she goes". That's so sad to live like that. I wonder how I thought I knew her at all. What we were was some sort of complex box of broken parts that just seemed to work for a while. We worked so well we both believed it was meant to be, and it was worth sacrificing for. But wether it was a lack of maintence or fate, springs started to fall loose and we completely self destructed. We both long for what it was, but now she's gone again and I'm not sure how to feel. It was so good to know she was alive, safe, sober and going to counseling. It was nice to hear her say how she missed me and was sorry, that she loved me. It was nice in many ways. With no reason she has disappeared, no warning, no nothing. I sit on her couch, I drive her car because it is what I've been left with. My feet drag but my chest feels empty. And while that sounds kind of sad, I have noticed that even though tears come, if I hold out for as long as I can, that eventually strength follows. While at times I wondered if this was the one to do me in, while at times I was convineced this was the one to do me in...I am still very much here. This vulnerability has exposed me raw and I'm ok with the honest program. It's you who has to decide if I'm good enough for you or not, because I'm good enough for me.
I quit drinking almost all together, and catch a buzz off the 1 beer I usually nurse in social settings the rare times I find myself in them. 2 beer max tho...NO exceptions. I quit smoking cigarettes cold turkey and while I enjoy a drag or two off a friends randomly I do good not to buy a pack or smoke a whole one. Pot is a different story, it has helped me stabalize my irrational unmedicated emotions. It's helped me to function as well as to relax. I allow myself this luxery more for the sake of staying alive, than getting fucked up. While I usually don't smoke enough to inebriate myself it helps the edge seem less sharp. I can function fine on the amount I use, but it does leave me more tired and gluttoneous than I am happy with. So I've started cutting back on it as well. I fixed my guitar all by myself with the instructions I was given by my friend Dave. I just spent an hour playing riffs, writing ditties, and running scales.
Today I am selling my truck. I'm not making much of a profit, in fact if you consider the brake job that's on my revoked credit card I'm losing 300 bucks. I will be investing in Kristy's car in hopes I can repair my credit enough to trade it in for another vehicle in a year or so.
A few more tattoos and a few more achievements under my belt and I will have pushed momentum in the right direction. I am blessed for my animals. The sacrifice of my truck will help me be able to buy them the good expensive food again and provide them health care. They are my little family and it makes me feel good to take care of them. Art, music...life. I'm coming back...
Slowly I'm becoming more motivated to live.
I quit drinking almost all together, and catch a buzz off the 1 beer I usually nurse in social settings the rare times I find myself in them. 2 beer max tho...NO exceptions. I quit smoking cigarettes cold turkey and while I enjoy a drag or two off a friends randomly I do good not to buy a pack or smoke a whole one. Pot is a different story, it has helped me stabalize my irrational unmedicated emotions. It's helped me to function as well as to relax. I allow myself this luxery more for the sake of staying alive, than getting fucked up. While I usually don't smoke enough to inebriate myself it helps the edge seem less sharp. I can function fine on the amount I use, but it does leave me more tired and gluttoneous than I am happy with. So I've started cutting back on it as well. I fixed my guitar all by myself with the instructions I was given by my friend Dave. I just spent an hour playing riffs, writing ditties, and running scales.
Today I am selling my truck. I'm not making much of a profit, in fact if you consider the brake job that's on my revoked credit card I'm losing 300 bucks. I will be investing in Kristy's car in hopes I can repair my credit enough to trade it in for another vehicle in a year or so.
A few more tattoos and a few more achievements under my belt and I will have pushed momentum in the right direction. I am blessed for my animals. The sacrifice of my truck will help me be able to buy them the good expensive food again and provide them health care. They are my little family and it makes me feel good to take care of them. Art, music...life. I'm coming back...
Slowly I'm becoming more motivated to live.