"you say you don't want this circus we're in..."
All of this for a reason or purpose, right? I can't imagine what it is, or if it's even fair. And at the start of it all, I never anticipated what would come of my decision, but now I know it was quite possibly one of the hardest and most complicated of my life to date. And I want to speak honestly and frankly about it, but I find that the words become a ball in my throat, and I can barely choke them out.
I've made some horribly bad decisions over the last six months, I know that. I would love to take back so many things and words that should have never transpired, but I can't, and so here we are. It's like every day there is something new to deal with - something far worse than the day before. I'm starting to feel my senses go. Most days there isn't anything inside of me but a raging anger and a desperate sadness. No one should ever have to live like that...ever. But I "made my bed", and now I have to lay in it or so the story goes, but I hate that bed, and everything that it has accumulated over time. I want fresh sheets - I want him.
What is funny is, I knew where this all might lead, and I turned away regardless, and now I see what seemed impossible - the love that once meant so much is being torn apart and thrown to the wind. This is what I get - this is what I deserve. What I've also realized is that I don't care what people think of me. I fucking make mistakes and I have to live with them, that's fine. But I know that no one on this earth is innocent of the same. I don't care if I'm being judged every day of my life, opinions are like assholes...However, the worst scrutiny comes from within, so nothing anyone could say could make me feel any worse than I've made myself feel.
It's obvious that all I have on my side is time. But time can definitely be the worst of enemies when all you want is to make things go back to the way they use to be. I feel too old for this and too young at the same time, but I think the 'old' in me knows where I belong. And maybe I should start preparing myself for what may never come. But I'm holding on and struggling with the hope that maybe I haven't damaged the greatest feeling I've ever known.
I'll wait here.
I've made some horribly bad decisions over the last six months, I know that. I would love to take back so many things and words that should have never transpired, but I can't, and so here we are. It's like every day there is something new to deal with - something far worse than the day before. I'm starting to feel my senses go. Most days there isn't anything inside of me but a raging anger and a desperate sadness. No one should ever have to live like that...ever. But I "made my bed", and now I have to lay in it or so the story goes, but I hate that bed, and everything that it has accumulated over time. I want fresh sheets - I want him.
What is funny is, I knew where this all might lead, and I turned away regardless, and now I see what seemed impossible - the love that once meant so much is being torn apart and thrown to the wind. This is what I get - this is what I deserve. What I've also realized is that I don't care what people think of me. I fucking make mistakes and I have to live with them, that's fine. But I know that no one on this earth is innocent of the same. I don't care if I'm being judged every day of my life, opinions are like assholes...However, the worst scrutiny comes from within, so nothing anyone could say could make me feel any worse than I've made myself feel.
It's obvious that all I have on my side is time. But time can definitely be the worst of enemies when all you want is to make things go back to the way they use to be. I feel too old for this and too young at the same time, but I think the 'old' in me knows where I belong. And maybe I should start preparing myself for what may never come. But I'm holding on and struggling with the hope that maybe I haven't damaged the greatest feeling I've ever known.
I'll wait here.