(no subject)

[inmanustuas]

The Boltons came for Thanksgiving. It was good to see them, even if it was only for about 24 hours. It makes me feel like 2 different people when I'm with them. I feel like a "city slicker" and a "country bumpkin" at the same time. It's not a fun feeling, because I feel like there is no way to reconcile the two. Sometimes I wish my life hadn't been turned upside down and we hadn't ever moved to Memphis, and I long for the days I used to spend with the Boltons when we tromped through their woods and played on hay bales in their neighbors field and tried to float down the creek using a dead log as a boat and playing king of the hill on a huge hill of mud and making Indian war paint out of rocks and creek water. I miss all that more than words can describe. And it hurts to know all that is gone and will never be the same, because I'll never be a little girl again with my best friends, best friends that may have been my sisters, we were so close. All I have now are the memories, and I know I'm forgetting some of them. One of them will mention some escapade of ours, usually when we got in some kind of trouble (like going for a walk and getting caught in a thunderstorm in their pasture), and it'll take me a minute to remember. But I'll never forget the night before we moved to Memphis, and how I sat at my desk and sobbed, because I knew things would never be the same. I remember when we first moved here, and how I would cry myself to sleep at night sometimes. I still cry when I remember that night before we left.

As much as I want to go back sometimes, I know I'll never be able to. Sometimes I wonder what I would be like now if we had stayed in Conway. I know I would be nothing like I am now, but try as I may, I can't picture a future for myself if I had stayed in Conway. Sometimes I wish I were a little girl again so I wouldn't ever have to worry about anything again, and I could retain the innocence of a 9 year old girl. But we have to grow up, and God had different plans, I guess.