Just some thoughts....
Even though these summer classes only began a short week ago, many different characteristics about myself have come to light through one of these classes: Groups.
Part I.
I am the type of person who knows what she likes, dislikes and how she reacts in certain situations. For example I have always known that I can sit down and in one sitting tell a complete stranger every last detail of my life, everything from my favorite color and most embarrassing moment to my deepest darkest fears.
The privacy chart that we did today proved this. All of my circles had most if not all the same 'key words' written in them, meaning I would share many personal things in my inner circle with the people on the outer circle. It was interesting to see how many people spoke about having such tall boundaries, that they would only let certain non-judgmental people in to their inner-circles. I too only allow certain non-judgmental people into my inner circle. However my process of elimination starts from the moment you meet me.
I do not necessarily believe that this process of evidently becoming friends with acquaintances is the best way to do so, but it is what I practice. I guess my philosophy goes something like this: "I put all of my cards on the table right when you meet me, take it or leave it." I figure this probably eliminates a least seventy-five percent of the population just due to the fact that this is an unusual characteristic.
It may be hard to believe but most of the people in my life did not just gradually become my friends, at least not to me. They were my friends from the first time that I met or spoke to them. I have countless friends that I met one day, spoke to and not a day has gone by that I have not spoke to them. It was like we were best friends from the start. I have eight best friends. This may seem like a large number but to me its not. Especially if you consider that I have been talking for nearly 20 years. My best friends range from people I have known since I was born to people I have met my first year of college. It is pretty safe to say that with one or two exceptions, if we were close friends once we are close friends now.
Although there appears to be an up-side to all this, there is definitely a downside. Although, this process gets rid of people I inevitably would not want to be friends with anyways, it also puts a damper on relationships with friends and people I have yet to meet. The way this happens is word-of-mouth. Say I meet Joe Shmo one day, and it turns out he is one of that 75% that freaks out on the first meeting. Not only is he that part of that percentage, but he also has other friends. He talks to these other friends about this crazy girl he met. This eliminates about another 10% of the people I will meet from becoming part of my friends circle.
I am pretty sure most of this post is just full of ramblings, consisting of hypothetical percentages and situations. This is just one thing from class that has bugged me long after I have stepped out of the classroom. This has made me question myself and this so-called theory on life. At the same time as telling everything about my life, I exclude the true feelings behind the words. The real reason that 75% of people do not care to be friends with me is not because I am just weird but really because they truly think I do not care about what I am talking about let alone about anything they might want to add. I guess in my case like this teacher said, "self-disclosure is just a short cut to establishing false rapport." The only people that stick around are the non-judgmental people that take the time to get through the invisible force field I keep around me. Whether it is a huge steel wall or an illusion of being open, the conclusion is the same.
Part II.
One of the best teachers I ever had once taught me that to continue a relationship with someone after the common connection you have is taken away takes a lot of work from both members. This applies to significant others but at this time I am referring to friends in general.
For instance growing up you met people from your classes at school, the neighborhood kids, from sports teams and from children of your parent's friends. These are the people you first make friends with because it is easy, and that's normal. Once you change classes or schools, move, quit that sports team, or your parents get too busy to force play dates upon you a lot of those friends you made disappear. This process is normal and will continue for the rest of our lives. It is now even easier to keep in touch through Facebook and Myspace. How hard is it to pick up the phone and ask someone how they are? Or write an e-mail?
I am really trying not to explain this process with a negative connotation because I truly believe it is natural. However, in the end, people do get hurt, in the end you do find out who your true friends are. I know I have been on the side of the spectrum that has lost friends because I did not acknowledge what was going on and inevitably lost a friendship unintentionally. However, I have also been on the side that tried to continue the friendship. I know what it feels like when you realize that it is just not going to work out for whatever reason. It is not the greatest feeling in the world.
So sometimes we just forget to return phone calls, forget to call and invite people to hang out, we become extremely busy or just stop hanging out with people because it is easier not too… I am told the older we get the less we will dwell on the excuses of the past. I hope this comes sooner rather then later for everyone. Any who, on a lighter note, today might not be such a bad day to call up an old friend for no reason at all.
Part I.
I am the type of person who knows what she likes, dislikes and how she reacts in certain situations. For example I have always known that I can sit down and in one sitting tell a complete stranger every last detail of my life, everything from my favorite color and most embarrassing moment to my deepest darkest fears.
The privacy chart that we did today proved this. All of my circles had most if not all the same 'key words' written in them, meaning I would share many personal things in my inner circle with the people on the outer circle. It was interesting to see how many people spoke about having such tall boundaries, that they would only let certain non-judgmental people in to their inner-circles. I too only allow certain non-judgmental people into my inner circle. However my process of elimination starts from the moment you meet me.
I do not necessarily believe that this process of evidently becoming friends with acquaintances is the best way to do so, but it is what I practice. I guess my philosophy goes something like this: "I put all of my cards on the table right when you meet me, take it or leave it." I figure this probably eliminates a least seventy-five percent of the population just due to the fact that this is an unusual characteristic.
It may be hard to believe but most of the people in my life did not just gradually become my friends, at least not to me. They were my friends from the first time that I met or spoke to them. I have countless friends that I met one day, spoke to and not a day has gone by that I have not spoke to them. It was like we were best friends from the start. I have eight best friends. This may seem like a large number but to me its not. Especially if you consider that I have been talking for nearly 20 years. My best friends range from people I have known since I was born to people I have met my first year of college. It is pretty safe to say that with one or two exceptions, if we were close friends once we are close friends now.
Although there appears to be an up-side to all this, there is definitely a downside. Although, this process gets rid of people I inevitably would not want to be friends with anyways, it also puts a damper on relationships with friends and people I have yet to meet. The way this happens is word-of-mouth. Say I meet Joe Shmo one day, and it turns out he is one of that 75% that freaks out on the first meeting. Not only is he that part of that percentage, but he also has other friends. He talks to these other friends about this crazy girl he met. This eliminates about another 10% of the people I will meet from becoming part of my friends circle.
I am pretty sure most of this post is just full of ramblings, consisting of hypothetical percentages and situations. This is just one thing from class that has bugged me long after I have stepped out of the classroom. This has made me question myself and this so-called theory on life. At the same time as telling everything about my life, I exclude the true feelings behind the words. The real reason that 75% of people do not care to be friends with me is not because I am just weird but really because they truly think I do not care about what I am talking about let alone about anything they might want to add. I guess in my case like this teacher said, "self-disclosure is just a short cut to establishing false rapport." The only people that stick around are the non-judgmental people that take the time to get through the invisible force field I keep around me. Whether it is a huge steel wall or an illusion of being open, the conclusion is the same.
Part II.
One of the best teachers I ever had once taught me that to continue a relationship with someone after the common connection you have is taken away takes a lot of work from both members. This applies to significant others but at this time I am referring to friends in general.
For instance growing up you met people from your classes at school, the neighborhood kids, from sports teams and from children of your parent's friends. These are the people you first make friends with because it is easy, and that's normal. Once you change classes or schools, move, quit that sports team, or your parents get too busy to force play dates upon you a lot of those friends you made disappear. This process is normal and will continue for the rest of our lives. It is now even easier to keep in touch through Facebook and Myspace. How hard is it to pick up the phone and ask someone how they are? Or write an e-mail?
I am really trying not to explain this process with a negative connotation because I truly believe it is natural. However, in the end, people do get hurt, in the end you do find out who your true friends are. I know I have been on the side of the spectrum that has lost friends because I did not acknowledge what was going on and inevitably lost a friendship unintentionally. However, I have also been on the side that tried to continue the friendship. I know what it feels like when you realize that it is just not going to work out for whatever reason. It is not the greatest feeling in the world.
So sometimes we just forget to return phone calls, forget to call and invite people to hang out, we become extremely busy or just stop hanging out with people because it is easier not too… I am told the older we get the less we will dwell on the excuses of the past. I hope this comes sooner rather then later for everyone. Any who, on a lighter note, today might not be such a bad day to call up an old friend for no reason at all.