Everyone I Know Goes Away in the End
I haven't seen or heard from my dad in a little over three years. Some of you already know this, some of you don't, but either way it's a part of me I've kept somewhat covered purely because I just haven't accepted it yet. But on random and rash occasions I'll look for him through means of internet searches. Now, up until last night my searches have never produced any radical information. But typically when I expected it the least, I found his address, phone number, and the new person he shared his last name with.
Rather then absorbing any of this I went to bed and woke up with the temptation of contacting him. Inevitably I wanted some confirmation; I blocked my number and called, disguising myself as a telemarketer. The voice of the woman who answered was undeniably the last voice I heard the last time I visited my dad in Michigan. I asked anonymously, "Hi, may I please speak with Bruce Barker?" She answered routinely, "Sure, one second."
I immediately hung up.
One of the few people who know quite a bit about what happened with him is Page (obviously) and of course she was the first to hear the news this afternoon. She did exactly what anyone would do, and exactly what I didn't want her to do...she persuaded that I called him again as myself, as his daughter. But she has other motives, she has the curiousity of meeting him and what it would be like...she's heard most of our memories, she wants him to be a part of her life almost as bad as I want him to be a part of mine.
No one truly knows how much I miss him, not even Page, and it's so hard for me that any of this had to happen. I wish I could've just accepted our absences in each others lives, our distance, but I can't even though he has. He was by far my best friend and now I no longer exist to him. He doesn't even know who I am. I want him to, I need him just to be there the way he used to be.
So I called with Page on three-way and unblocked. She answered again. I asked for Bruce. She was clearly suspicious this time and asked who I was. It was more than obvious she recognized my voice but I'm sure my call earlier contributed.
"It's Kira."
She immediately became angry and I didn't understand. "What is this about?!"
Without meaning to my voice became rude, "Uh, I haven't seen him in three years and-"
She cut me off, "You have the wrong number," and hung up. Clearly she was lying, and for some reason she found me threatening. I just wanted to call her back and let her know that I understand, but I need him now.
Instead I clicked back over, confused, and said to Page, "Okay?" And then hung up, fell to the floor, and began crying. All those times I've missed him or talked about him, all the times I've wanted to cry...they came out all at once.
Now I have to forget all over again, the way I did the last time he slowly went away. But at least I had an excuse for not contacting him then, I didn't know how to, and now I do. Now I'm lost with a map in my hand...but refuse to follow it.
I'm worse then he is now.
Rather then absorbing any of this I went to bed and woke up with the temptation of contacting him. Inevitably I wanted some confirmation; I blocked my number and called, disguising myself as a telemarketer. The voice of the woman who answered was undeniably the last voice I heard the last time I visited my dad in Michigan. I asked anonymously, "Hi, may I please speak with Bruce Barker?" She answered routinely, "Sure, one second."
I immediately hung up.
One of the few people who know quite a bit about what happened with him is Page (obviously) and of course she was the first to hear the news this afternoon. She did exactly what anyone would do, and exactly what I didn't want her to do...she persuaded that I called him again as myself, as his daughter. But she has other motives, she has the curiousity of meeting him and what it would be like...she's heard most of our memories, she wants him to be a part of her life almost as bad as I want him to be a part of mine.
No one truly knows how much I miss him, not even Page, and it's so hard for me that any of this had to happen. I wish I could've just accepted our absences in each others lives, our distance, but I can't even though he has. He was by far my best friend and now I no longer exist to him. He doesn't even know who I am. I want him to, I need him just to be there the way he used to be.
So I called with Page on three-way and unblocked. She answered again. I asked for Bruce. She was clearly suspicious this time and asked who I was. It was more than obvious she recognized my voice but I'm sure my call earlier contributed.
"It's Kira."
She immediately became angry and I didn't understand. "What is this about?!"
Without meaning to my voice became rude, "Uh, I haven't seen him in three years and-"
She cut me off, "You have the wrong number," and hung up. Clearly she was lying, and for some reason she found me threatening. I just wanted to call her back and let her know that I understand, but I need him now.
Instead I clicked back over, confused, and said to Page, "Okay?" And then hung up, fell to the floor, and began crying. All those times I've missed him or talked about him, all the times I've wanted to cry...they came out all at once.
Now I have to forget all over again, the way I did the last time he slowly went away. But at least I had an excuse for not contacting him then, I didn't know how to, and now I do. Now I'm lost with a map in my hand...but refuse to follow it.
I'm worse then he is now.