(no subject)
I just noticed the date on the last entry I made, and I realized my brother's birthday is in three days & I haven't gotten him a present nor have I mailed him a card... and I barely have the money to even get him a card. I need to fix my car, I think the fact that my car is broken is fucking with my head. And I need to get my perscription filled because I've been without it since... Friday, and that's too long and I'm feeling not right. I need to get into a routine too, but it's very close to impossible, especially while feeling like shit. My room's a mess... I'm gaining too much weight. If only I could be dumped in some abandonment-type manner so that I could go anorexic for a whole month again and lose twenty pounds. (Those were the days!) I think I'm going to dye my hair auburn pretty soon. I have a couple of books to read. I've gotten my first bill that I do not have enough money in my checking account to pay. I don't have a job & am desparate for one. Not even just the money aspect... working itself feels good. It keeps me on my toes and thinking and alert, and it makes me feel like I'm doing something. At this point, yeah, that something is putting high-carb delights into public metabolisms. Someday I hope to feel like I'm doing something more than that. I want to be an orientation leader this summer; it's good money and it would be really rewarding and fun I think. Christmas is soon too and I will not be able to purchase gifts because I have too little money to do it. I never remember my dreams at night anymore. I found out that widow's peaks are a sign of sexual prowess. It's funny because every guy I have slept with has had a widow's peak. I suppose the theory is true.. plus I don't have a widow's peak... haha yeah, the theory is definately true. Yepppppppppp. I'm craving stability and seeking out someone to take care of me because it's the thing that I lost way back when. (Uh, you know, back in the days.) When a relationship is at it's steadiest, a balance is achieved between each person; when one needs to be given care, the other feels the need to give it. When this balance is achieved and maintained, bonds strengthen, trust strengthens, the love strengthens. Relationships are ruined when both of the people in the relationship need care but aren't getting it due to the fact that their personal fuckedness is so self-hindering that they are no longer able to help the person they love.. But when the inverse of this happens, that is, when each person feels a strong need to care for the other, such happiness is achieved that all the give and take is worth more than anything this little tiny bullshit planet has to offer. I'm fucking baked right now, and that theory has been stewing in my brain for the past few days. This whole no meds thing is getting me so tangled up in every little mistake that I make and have made, and it's making me trace my steps dangerously deep into the past. I suppose I'm gaining a lot of insight into all of the mistakes I've made, but I'm not very confident in my ability to do anything about them, nor do I feel like I've got a ton of motivation to do the right thing. Actually I'm pretty much certain I'm surrounded by people who encourage me to do everything wrong. It's not like I'm controlled by the people I'm around, it just leaves me feeling less and less need to exert the effort towards changing for any amount of good. I feel sick physically & mentally. I'm not thinking the way I used to. I feel like my brain is leaking out of my ears sometimes and I can hear it sliding out and I hear all the little hollow places in my skull where my brain just vomited itself out of my big bubble of a skull. I have the worst writers' block ever; my poetry doesn't stick in my head anyomore when I think of it during the day; I keep forgetting everything before I get to a paper and pen or a keyboard. I should get to sleep though. I just felt like writing one of these sickeningly literal, high-schooly entries because sometimes it feels good to sort my thoughts out in front of me so I can actually see them rather than having them bounce around in such an intangible way. Why put it on livejournal? I dunno, out of convenience, mostly. I doubt anyone will actually read this entire thing anyway. Haha. I probably wouldnt read someone else's entry if it was this long. I don't mind though. I think I'm the only one who really reads my journal, really.