fear of the future
sometimes i feel like a crazy person because of the thoughts/images that pop in my head
i get scared and i dont want to tell anyone about them because they may take them seriously
i wonder if i take them seriously
...should i?
i remember the time i put a gun that i thought was unloaded against my head and into my mouth and pulled the trigger
a metal taste
just dry clicks
then i pointed it away, and
!BAM
guess it had one bullet after all
such a close call i was only 14
i think about my head exploding when i get afraid of the future
part of me is so terrified that i wont survive that it would rather i just give up now
but i dont seriously think that way
...do i?
i feel like owe this insurmountable debt to so many people, especially my family
i feel like i must pay it by living
perhaps succeeding
but i'm so afraid
i have no idea what the shape of the future will be
i feel like i'd have a better chance of survival lost in the woods than in the 'real world' of careers and money
i look at people who 'have it together' and think 'wow, i'm way smarter than that person, why the fuck am i such a loser?'
i feel like a human leech
i feel like sometimes i'd be doing everybody a favor
but i dont really feel that way
...do i?
this could all end any moment
i could be run over crossing a street
someone could drop a bomb on my city
part of me wonders if it's worth waiting
...i thought i'd put this kind of thinking behind me years ago
i get scared and i dont want to tell anyone about them because they may take them seriously
i wonder if i take them seriously
...should i?
i remember the time i put a gun that i thought was unloaded against my head and into my mouth and pulled the trigger
a metal taste
just dry clicks
then i pointed it away, and
!BAM
guess it had one bullet after all
such a close call i was only 14
i think about my head exploding when i get afraid of the future
part of me is so terrified that i wont survive that it would rather i just give up now
but i dont seriously think that way
...do i?
i feel like owe this insurmountable debt to so many people, especially my family
i feel like i must pay it by living
perhaps succeeding
but i'm so afraid
i have no idea what the shape of the future will be
i feel like i'd have a better chance of survival lost in the woods than in the 'real world' of careers and money
i look at people who 'have it together' and think 'wow, i'm way smarter than that person, why the fuck am i such a loser?'
i feel like a human leech
i feel like sometimes i'd be doing everybody a favor
but i dont really feel that way
...do i?
this could all end any moment
i could be run over crossing a street
someone could drop a bomb on my city
part of me wonders if it's worth waiting
...i thought i'd put this kind of thinking behind me years ago