stuff
For whatever reason, I have not been feeling too confident these days.
I have gained a ton of weight since I went back to Michigan to take care of my Dad. My back does not allow me to walk the weight off since I can only last about 15 minutes before my back gets grumpy, and then I may be down for 2 or 3 days because I can't walk at all.
Am contemplating going to Weight Watchers or LA Weight Loss or using NutriSystem to help jumpstart some weight loss. I know I don't eat very well. Hell, I don't take very good care of myself period! Why is that? I know what to do and how to do it but actually DOING seems to be so out of reach.
AND...I am suddenly scared to death about transitioning. I am going to have my dreams met this year with my inheritance yet, taking that first step to see a therapist and an endo is terrifying. I read through my communities and gain support through other's life experiences but I think with the latest episodes of getting 'mistaken' for a chick, I am concerned that it won't be as easy as I had it all planned out in my head. Nothing this monumentous should be without trials and tribulations but I just feel it would be easier if I didn't look so much like a woman these days.
I think that may be a large part of things. Never before in my entire life have I been so readily mistaken for a woman. I don't like it! I curse every time someone uses a female pronoun or says something like 'hello ladies' when Niki and I are out. It makes me cringe externally and shrivel up internally. I have always portrayed myself as male but for whatever reason, it ain't working so well right now.
These past few months Niki has been paying my bills. That is not cool in my book. I have not been pulling my weight when it comes to our finances. And during our chat last night, she still has some of my bills in her monthly budget even though I will be getting the inheritance and tax refund and will be working. Dare I say I want to be the one to bring home the bacon! We can share in it equally, of course, but there is no sense in her paying rent here and paying her mortgage too. I just think I should be the one paying for the household bills here since she pays the bills for the house. Call me old-fashioned...lol...but I think that is quite fair. I haven't been able to do that and it has finally taken its toll on my psyche.
Just a lot of stuff going through my head these days. Bottled up stuff too, which isn't fair to Niki as she has been so incredibly supportive through everything. She deserves to know what is going on in my head, even if I don't.
I have gained a ton of weight since I went back to Michigan to take care of my Dad. My back does not allow me to walk the weight off since I can only last about 15 minutes before my back gets grumpy, and then I may be down for 2 or 3 days because I can't walk at all.
Am contemplating going to Weight Watchers or LA Weight Loss or using NutriSystem to help jumpstart some weight loss. I know I don't eat very well. Hell, I don't take very good care of myself period! Why is that? I know what to do and how to do it but actually DOING seems to be so out of reach.
AND...I am suddenly scared to death about transitioning. I am going to have my dreams met this year with my inheritance yet, taking that first step to see a therapist and an endo is terrifying. I read through my communities and gain support through other's life experiences but I think with the latest episodes of getting 'mistaken' for a chick, I am concerned that it won't be as easy as I had it all planned out in my head. Nothing this monumentous should be without trials and tribulations but I just feel it would be easier if I didn't look so much like a woman these days.
I think that may be a large part of things. Never before in my entire life have I been so readily mistaken for a woman. I don't like it! I curse every time someone uses a female pronoun or says something like 'hello ladies' when Niki and I are out. It makes me cringe externally and shrivel up internally. I have always portrayed myself as male but for whatever reason, it ain't working so well right now.
These past few months Niki has been paying my bills. That is not cool in my book. I have not been pulling my weight when it comes to our finances. And during our chat last night, she still has some of my bills in her monthly budget even though I will be getting the inheritance and tax refund and will be working. Dare I say I want to be the one to bring home the bacon! We can share in it equally, of course, but there is no sense in her paying rent here and paying her mortgage too. I just think I should be the one paying for the household bills here since she pays the bills for the house. Call me old-fashioned...lol...but I think that is quite fair. I haven't been able to do that and it has finally taken its toll on my psyche.
Just a lot of stuff going through my head these days. Bottled up stuff too, which isn't fair to Niki as she has been so incredibly supportive through everything. She deserves to know what is going on in my head, even if I don't.