Fic: Your Reward is Neither Here nor There (3/?) by inkscribe & pushkin666
Title: Your Reward is Neither Here nor There
Authors: inkscribe, pushkin666
Pairings: Beckett/McKay
Warning: This is a darkfic. We’d say more, but there really is a plot amongst all this and we’d rather not give it away. So: don’t like dark? Don’t read. Easily squicked? Don’t read. Feeling adventurous and wanting to give a dark AU a go? Enjoy!
Series summary: This is AU. Rodney is addicted to stimulants. He strikes a bargain with Carson. This has dominant creepy Carson and takes place after The Siege.
Spoilers: For series as a whole, some references up to mid-S3, but as an AU, none of them should damage your enjoyment or expectations of canon. We don’t go to the same place, not at all. *g*
Rating: NC-17
Words: ~4800
Locations: atlantiskink, beckett_mckay, inkscribe, malesofatlantis, pushkin666
Feedback: yes, please!
Disclaimer: Not ours, no matter how we wish they were.
- ETA: -
Please check out the beautiful Reward coverart & icons made for us by nickespix. Wow!
- end ETA -
Author’s Notes: Full chapters cross-posted at both author LJ’s. This chapter written by pushkin666.
Rodney sat at his workstation, staring at the screen in front of him. His eyes were open, but he saw nothing, nothing but images of the last two days playing out in his minds’ eye. Images of Carson - the cold look in his eyes, the way he took control of Rodney, turned his life upside down. Rodney glanced at the time on his laptop: 4.20 am.
He hoped nobody found him here. Even for Rodney, being at his station this early was excessive outside an emergency - but he couldn’t stay in his room any longer. Couldn’t sit in the dark, shivering despite the warmth from the heating system, despite the warmth of the bedding he wrapped around himself.
He’d stumbled back to his room after Carson’s examination. He was thankful that nobody saw him - pale-faced, eyes bright as if with fever. He managed to make it to the bathroom, his stomach roiling so much he feared he would vomit the entire time he was walking to his quarters. He rested his head against the basin, trying to take deep, slow breaths; trying to calm himself. To his surprise, he succeeded and wasn’t ill. He was grateful for that, at least - he hated being sick, hated the way it made him feel. How I felt that time I stopped taking the stimulants, he thought.
He stayed in that position until the trembling ceased. Then, shaky, he pushed himself to his feet, removed his clothes and dropped them on the floor in his haste to get to the shower. He needed to clean himself, to wash away the feeling of Carson - the touch of his nitrile-wrapped hands, the way they had lingered on Rodney’s skin. He felt dirty, and now knew with a horrible certainty that he was to feel a lot dirtier as this progressed.
Unclean, he thought, as he scrubbed himself down, trying to eradicate any trace of Carson. He got out of the shower moments, maybe hours later - he wasn’t really sure. He didn’t know. Everything seemed to be fading out at the edges around him, merging into one, making him feel sicker as he tripped over his own feet, trying to get to his bed. He collapsed onto it in a damp, trembling heap, resting a moment before pulling the covers up and around him like a cocoon, trying to burrow down until he was completely hidden; trying to go to sleep, hoping for it all to be different when he awoke, for none of this to be real.
He did not succeed. He awoke over and over during the night, watching the clock as it clicked over far slower than it should. He was unable to sleep, unable to get comfortable - unable to relax himself enough to sleep. No matter how he turned on the bed he still felt the pressure inside him where Carson’s finger had been. He had received internal exams before but they’d never been as intrusive as this one.
Now in his lab, he shifted uncomfortably on his seat, his face burning with shame. I shouldn’t have to do this, he berated himself. I’m better than this. I can quit! He remembered, though, the last time. The nausea, the vomiting, the shakiness. He blinked rapidly, his face tense as his thoughts settled into a coherent whole. I’m addicted, he finally admitted to himself.
He shuddered. Addiction meant needing the drugs only Carson could get for him, and Carson was demanding more than Rodney could ever have imagined when he was trapped that night - was that only two nights ago? And now - if that examination showed Rodney how it felt just to have Carson’s finger inside him, he dreaded the thought of Carson pushing his cock inside him, of Carson fucking him. Rodney broke out into a sweat at the thought.
He remembered that Carson said he wouldn’t rape Rodney. Rape, he whispered in his mind. The thought of being under Carson, begging Carson to take him, to fuck him, made his blood run cold with fear.
Carson said Rodney would beg Carson to take him. He knew Carson wasn’t making an idle threat. This was a promise.
Rodney shuddered. He couldn’t imagine how Carson could bring him to that point, didn’t want to think what Carson might do to him to reduce him to the state. Rodney didn’t care how it would be at the time, didn’t care that he might use his own voice to ask Carson to take him, beg him, as Carson promised. It might not technically be rape, Rodney thought. But that’s still what it is.
If somebody had told Rodney he’d ever be in this position - wondering when his friend was going to rape him - he would have laughed at them. Friend. He shivered again. He didn’t make friends easily; too much jealousy in the academic community of which he was a member. When he’d met Carson in Antarctica, though, they’d gravitated towards each other - two aliens lost amongst a multitude of Americans.
Two days ago Rodney would have counted Carson as his friend, his best friend, in fact. Now he wondered if it were all a façade, if they’d ever been friends. Was the cuddly, friendly surgeon persona as false as Carson’s friendship?
Opening the bottom drawer next to him, he hunted around until he found a strip of tablets. He popped one through the foil, swallowing it with a mouthful of coffee. He smiled - a small sad smile. Two nights of disturbed sleep and he needed the stimulants simply to keep him awake, never mind to help his mind wake up, to enable him to concentrate. He wanted to laugh at the irony of it all: now he needed more stimulants just to keep him going, yet now he had a steady supply - but the reason he had the supply was fast becoming the main reason he needed more.
He sighed and turned his attention back to the laptop. By the time anybody else arrived, he hoped he would be more awake, more alive.
-=-=-=-
Rodney collected his tray and glanced around the canteen, looking for the safest place to sit. He didn’t want to run the risk of sitting alone with Carson. He spotted the rest of his team at a table to one side and carefully navigated his way through the tables to them. He would be safe with these three; even if Carson joined them, he could manage.
John looked up at him and smiled. “Rodney,” he drawled. “Are you joining us?”
Rodney nodded, setting his full tray on the table and taking the seat next to Ronan.
“Jeez McKay,” John teased. “You’ve got almost as much food today as Ronon did.”
Rodney glared at John, not feeling up to handling criticism, no matter how jokingly intended.
“I’m hungry, okay?” he snapped. “I’ve been busy all morning and I need the food.”
John raised his hands in front of himself. “No need to bite my head off, McKay. I’m just commenting. If you carry on eating like that, you’re going to have to start running with myself and Ronon in the mornings.” He winked at Rodney, but Rodney felt his ire rise nonetheless.
“Hel-lo,” he snarled, waving his hands to emphasise his words. “Busy scientist here. I don’t have time to come running with you soldier boys.”
John stared at him. Rodney knew the word grunts was implicit in the words he’d chosen, and John looked suitably chagrined at the rebuke.
“Well you know Rodney, a bit of exercise would help you get rid of some stress,” John offered.
“I am not stressed,” Rodney snapped at him through his food. “I’m busy, okay? Do you understand? B-U-S-Y.”
“Don’t get snippy,” John said. “I’m just saying some exercise couldn’t hurt.”
Rodney sighed and put his utensils down, ready to take his tray elsewhere. He felt a touch on his arm and looked to see Teyla’s hand, reaching across the table.
“I think Doctor McKay has lost weight recently,” Teyla said.
Rodney relaxed slightly, smiling at her in gratitude. “Nice that someone notices,” he said.
She looked him over slowly. “Yes, you definitely have. Perhaps it is all the running to the gate that has done it,” she said. Rodney knew the lack of irony was no accident - Teyla’s facility with English was excellent, but her application of idiom and expression often came across differently than she intended.
Rodney felt himself smile genuinely for the first time since arriving at the table.
John chuckled. “Yeah that would do it. One of these days we’re going to have a mission where we actually meet friendlies who are friendly.”
Rodney continued to tuck into his food, happy that Teyla had diffused the tension rising among them. He relaxed slightly - Carson was nowhere in sight and even if he did join them, with his team around him, Rodney would be safe from the double-edged conversations that now defined every private discussion between the two men.
He suddenly remembered Radek joining them for lunch just yesterday. “How’s Radek doing with the repairs to Jumper 3?” he asked John.
“He’s doing fine,” John grimaced wryly. “Between babbling in techno-speak and Czech he’s almost as hard to follow as you sometimes, Rodney, but I got the gist that he would be finishing up shortly and would be back in the lab with you this afternoon.”
Rodney pulled a face. “You know full well what he said, Colonel. You’re not as stupid as your hair would like us to believe.”
“Hey,” John protested, tugging at his hair. “There’s nothing wrong with my hair.”
“No of course there isn’t,” Rodney said with a grin. “Nothing wrong with it that a gallon of hair products and three hours in front of the mirror wouldn’t cure.” He levelled a fork at John before continuing. “And don’t tell me you don’t style it, Colonel, because I won’t believe you.”
Ronon and Teyla laughed as John launched into an inventive explanation for his hair that involved trigonometry, calculus, and a dash of inspiration from a Mandelbrot set. Rodney continued to eat, secretly pleased that he’d managed to steer the conversation away from himself.
-=-=-=-
Ronan smiled over at Teyla. Sheppard and McKay were always fun to watch when they sniped at each other. He liked McKay, despite how he sometimes acted towards the man, he genuinely liked the scientist. McKay was so open - his feelings and moods were always clear to the world, and Ronon liked that. In that respect, McKay was far easier to be around than Sheppard. With Sheppard, Ronon didn’t always know where he stood - he didn’t know what Sheppard was thinking, he didn’t think anyone really did.
Ronon thought their group dynamic worked exceedingly well.
Where the colonel was a secretive man prone to moodiness and periods of deep quiet, McKay was the opposite. Oh, McKay was moody - they were up and down as often as the knickers of a fast whore - but Ronon liked that about the man, too.
When Ronon first met McKay he was unsure about the man, had found him distracting, loud. But Ronon soon realised that however much McKay bitched - and oh did he bitch - he got on with the job in hand. It was just his way. Ronon wondered whether his brain worked faster the more he talked.
He shrugged and glanced over at McKay’s tray, eyeing the scientist’s dessert speculatively. He wondered if he could steal McKay’s dessert. McKay had eyes in the back of his head when it came to his food, but if he was distracted it was always possible. Ronon settled in to wait.
Noting Dr. Beckett entering the room, Ronon motioned him over to them. The doctor was McKay’s close friend and he knew that if they started in on one of their usual conversations it would be (a) entertaining, and (b) just the distraction he needed to be able to steal McKay’s pudding.
Ronon greeted Dr. Beckett with a nod. The doctor smiled and sat down on the other side of McKay. Ronon was surprised to feel McKay tense up. He glanced at McKay, then Beckett. The doctor was chatting away as though nothing was wrong, nudging Rodney at some joke that Ronon didn’t really understand, but McKay’s response seemed a little stilted, even forced. Ronon wondered whether they had falling out or a disagreement. Knowing what McKay was like sometimes, he wouldn’t be surprised, although he’d always thought that Beckett wouldn’t be the type to carry a grudge.
Tucking into his own pudding he concentrated on answering Teyla’s questions. Lately she was trying to get him to join her for meditation. Once upon a time, before he became a Runner, he was able to meditate; now, he would fall asleep. When he started running, the only time he let his guard down was to sleep, and even then he would awaken at the slightest noise. He hoped that at some point he might feel safe enough here to regain some of what he had once been, and not what the Wraith had made him.
He heard McKay start to stutter and looked up, not surprised to see that a woman was the cause of it. Ronon grinned at the gentle biologist standing across from them. Katie Brown, he remembered. He smiled. Watching McKay with women was fun. The man had no idea how to handle them, how to cope with them flirting with him, showing interest. He watched as McKay stuttered to a stop and turned red with embarrassment.
Dr Beckett placed a reassuring hand on the scientist’s shoulder. Ronon noticed McKay almost flinched from the touch; he wondered whether McKay was injured and hoped the doctor would check it out. As the doctor leant into McKay, Ronon caught a sudden, sharp tang in the air, but he couldn’t quite place it. He scratched his beard for a moment, then reached over to snag McKay’s dessert whilst the scientist was distracted.
-=-=-=-
Rodney kept his head down as Carson chatted away to John and Teyla. Maybe if he kept quiet and just finished his lunch, he would be able to get out of here. This was almost like a repeat of yesterday’s lunch, except now there were more people. His stomach twisted as he realised that he and Carson ate together most lunchtimes - far more often than not. If they started to avoid each other, people would notice. He swallowed against a hard lump in his throat. He would have to get used to this, would have to learn to deal with Carson meeting him for lunch as though Rodney hadn’t a care in the world.
“Rodney,” he heard, and looked up into Katie’s Brown’s eyes.
“Oh, um. Katie,” he stuttered. He flicked his eyes from side to side, panic welling inside him at the thought of what Carson might to do to him because of Katie’s presence. He swallowed past another lump in his throat, and tried again. “Ah, how are you?”
He rubbed his hand on his trousers before extending it and taking her own right hand in his, shaking it firmly rapidly. “Um … I haven’t seen you for a while.”
“No,” she answered. “I’ve been off world with Major Lorne’s team. We’ve been investigating some of the plant life on PKX-241. It’s nice to see you again, Rodney.”
He gazed up at her, trying to stifle the rising panic he felt. Oh god, he thought. She wants to ask me out. Katie Brown was standing there, wanting to ask Rodney out, and Sheppard and Ronon were grinning like loons while Carson watched it all. I can’t do this, Carson will kill me, he thought frantically.
“Well,” he choked out. “Good to see you, too. Perhaps I’ll see you around some time?”
He felt sick as the smile left her eyes. He knew he was the cause of it but he didn’t know what to say to her, not in front of Carson. “Um. I have to …” he waved his hand over the table.
“Yes. Of course,” she said, clearly taken aback but retaining her dignity. “I have to go. It was nice seeing you Rodney.” She turned to Carson and smiled, “Say hello to Laura for me?”
“Aye lass, I will.” Carson told her, his voice warm and his face all smiles.
Rodney took a mouthful of coffee as Katie walked away. He wanted to crawl under the table and die. He couldn’t believe the way he’d just acted - there was no way on earth Katie would want to have a relationship with him after how he’d embarrassed her. Not that I’m free to have a real relationship now anyway, he thought bitterly.
He felt Carson rubbing his shoulder and willed himself not to flinch, knowing it would look strange if he pulled away from the doctor.
“Wow McKay,” Sheppard teased with a grin. “Way to go with the ladies. I don’t think I’ve got anything to worry about when you’re around.” Rodney tried to keep his expression bland, to prevent the tearing of his heart show in his face.
“Oh, Rodney’s just a wee bit tongue-tied around her, that’s all,” Carson said, defending him.
Rodney was shocked.
“He likes her quite a bit, don’t you Rodney?” Carson continued.
Rodney felt Carson nudging his leg under the table. He nodded slowly, hesitant. What is Carson up to? he thought frantically.
“I’ll speak to Laura,” Carson told Rodney, smiling at him and then the table as he explained. “She and Katie are good friends. I’ll see if I can get her to arrange a double date.”
Rodney swallowed hard to keep the bile from rising into his throat. He heard Carson’s voice as though it was from far away. “That would work, don’t you agree, Rodney?”
Rodney starred at him in dismay as Carson patted him on the shoulder again. Rodney cleared his throat and tried to speak calmly. “There’s no need, Carson. Honestly.”
“Geez, McKay,” John interrupted. “From what we just witnessed, I think there’s every need. If Carson’s willing to do that for you, you should be grateful.”
Rodney felt sick but managed to force ire into his voice to reply hotly. “I am grateful. I just don’t need somebody to set up a date for me.”
“Face it, McKay,” Sheppard retorted. “You wouldn’t know what to do with that girl if she showed up naked at your door. Let Carson help you - he’s your closest friend here.” John got up from the table and walked around to Rodney, clapping him on the shoulder. “Go for it, tiger. You’ll enjoy it. Ronon, Teyla - you ready?”
Rodney said nothing. He couldn’t say that Carson wasn’t his friend now, perhaps never really was.
He wondered why Carson would want to arrange a double date. After the last two days, Rodney had no doubt that this was another of Carson’s twisted games. He looked hesitantly at Carson, only to see a broad smile on the other man’s face. “Cheer up Rodney,” the doctor said, clasping his shoulder in a friendly manner. “A night out with two pretty girls and your best friend - what more can you want?” He winked at Rodney then rose from the table. “I’ll have a chat with Laura and swing by later and let you know if she’s managed to organise something. See you in a wee while.”
Rodney was relieved to see Carson leave. He had no idea what to make of the last few minutes, other than he had no doubt that whatever the doctor was planning, it wasn’t anything Rodney wanted to be a part of. He didn’t know how to react - his friend wasn’t a friend, the nice man he thought he knew was some sort of sick psychopath. Or should it be a sociopath? he wondered. Rodney shook his head - he wasn’t certain the distinction mattered much at the moment.
His head ached. He hardly noticed the rest of his team leave. He didn’t know if he seemed off to everyone else, but in addition to feeling the tense sickness within him, his limbs felt heavy as though he’d just uncrated and setup an entire new server room. He pushed himself up and began to walk to the lab. At least Radek would be back this afternoon. The Czech was an excellent scientist and an efficient and friendly subordinate. Rodney knew he worked better when Radek was there, working alongside him. Right now, he needed all the help he could get.
-=-=-=-
Radek watched as Rodney gave another huge yawn - he was clearly exhausted. Radek didn’t understand why Rodney was still there. The scientist could have left hours ago to get some sleep. He’d tried suggesting it earlier but the only result was that Rodney had nearly bitten his head off.
Rodney didn’t need to be here at the moment, he didn’t need to be up early. At the moment, Atlantis faced no imminent Wraith attacks or Replicator visits. Rodney himself had no immediate upcoming missions with the colonel’s team, and no special projects outstanding. At the moment, they were only dealing with the day-to-day maintenance of Atlantis, and Rodney didn’t need to be in the lab for any of it.
In his present state, Radek felt the man was more of a hindrance than anything. Rodney wasn’t an engineer like Radek. Oh he knew what needed to be done, how best to utilise the manpower they had but Radek had a better understanding of the minutiae - this was the sort of work he’d been doing most of his professional life.
Atlantis needed Rodney at top form if something untoward happened and at the moment Radek thought the scientist simply needed to rest. Radek always checked the computer logs when he arrived at his station and was concerned to note that Rodney had logged on around 4.00 am. When he asked Rodney about the early start time, the man had told him he hadn’t slept well, had thought it simply easier to come into work than lie in bed tossing and turning.
Radek didn’t understand. If Rodney couldn’t sleep he should have asked Carson for a sedative. The doctor was a reasonable man, not to mention Rodney’s friend. Rodney had even gone for a check-up just the evening before - the scientist had no excuse for not getting what he needed to get a proper sleep.
The Czech wondered if Rodney was just under the weather at the moment. He decided to get them some more coffee - that would help Rodney’s mood if not his wakefulness. Collecting three thermos jugs, he left the lab to have them refilled in the canteen.
Returning a short while later, he was pleased to run into Carson on his way to see Rodney.
Carson frowned at the three thermos jugs Radek was trying to carry, taking one from him before he dropped them. “Why so much coffee?” Carson asked.
“For Rodney,” Radek explained. “He is very tired. He was at work at 4.00 this morning.”
Carson chuckled. “What sort of daft projects is he running now?”
“That’s just it,” Radek said with a shrug. “Right now, nothing. We are as quiet as we can be - there is no need for this and it is not good for him.”
Carson looked surprised but nodded. “No, that can’t be good for him. Did he explain why he came in so early?”
“He tells me he is unable to sleep.”
“That’s odd. I wonder what’s causing that,” Carson said with a worried frown. “Perhaps he needs a sedative.”
Radek nodded. “I think it might help him.”
“I thought he might be run down when I gave him a check-up yesterday,” Carson said. “I can’t share specifics with you but all things considered, he seems to be in reasonable health. I’m still waiting for his labs to come back but I doubt you have anything to worry about. I think it’s simply that he’s overtired and run down. I expect he just needs to eat a little better, drink less coffee, and have some downtime.”
Radek smiled in relief. “You are a good doctor. You make sure your patients and friends are well looked after - performing to the top of their abilities.”
“Well that’s what I’m here for,” Carson said with a deprecating smile. “Although I’ll be honest with you - it can be a trial at times with some of them.”
“Rodney in particular, I’m certain,” Radek chuckled.
“Yes, he’s definitely one of my more awkward patients,” Carson said, chuckling along with him. “Anyway, here we are. Let’s see how he’s doing, shall we?”
Carson followed Radek into the lab, placing the coffee thermos with the ones Radek had carried. Radek poured Rodney a cup of coffee. He watched Carson moving purposefully towards Rodney’s workstation. The doctor stopped and stood in front of the scientist, but it was obvious that Rodney hadn’t noticed him.
“Rodney.”
“What?” Rodney looked up. “What are you doing here?” he snapped.
Radek watched the exchange with interest. Carson’s face went still as he stared down at Rodney, the scientist’s face paling as he looked into the doctor’s eyes. Eyes that even from where Radek stood he could see were as cold as ice. He felt his own eyes widen slightly in surprise. He had never seen such a look on Carson’s face before, and for Rodney to be on the receiving end was even more of a surprise. He wondered for a moment what he had missed between the two of them, and then Carson was turning to Radek with a smiling face. If Radek hadn’t seen the look pass between the two men himself, he would have never believed it.
“This is his last coffee for the day Radek,” Carson said, gesturing at the cup ready in Radek’s hand. “No more, Rodney. Do you understand?”
Rodney glared at him. “What I drink isn’t any of your business,” he snapped. “I’m tired, okay? I need the coffee to keep me awake. If you -” he stopped abruptly and did not continue.
Radek wondered what he might have wanted to say. Very, very interesting, Radek thought. If it were possible Rodney had gone even paler, the only colour on his face a small red spot on each cheek, lips red and swollen from where he had appeared to have bitten them.
Carson leant down towards Rodney “I’m your doctor and your friend, Rodney. If I think you’re drinking too much coffee and running yourself into the ground I’ll tell you so, and I expect you to pay attention. Do you understand me?” His voice took on a hard edge that surprised Radek. “Now save what you’re working on and close that laptop down. Radek tells me you didn’t sleep last night. He thinks you need some sleep, and I think he’s right. You’re coming with me for a sedative, and some medically-ordered downtime.”
Rodney glared at Radek. “Oh, he did, did he?” he said sarcastically. “Are you two ganging up on me or something? Are you talking about me behind my back? It’s nothing to do with either of you if I can’t sleep.”
Carson sighed the sigh of long-suffering physicians everywhere. “Yes it is, Rodney. You’re tired and you need some downtime. From the way you’re shouting at people it’s obvious you’re wound up as well as overtired. If you don’t come along to the lab for the sedative I’ll have to involve Doctor Weir, and I’m certain you don’t want me to do that, do you Rodney?”
Radek watched in fascination as all defiance drained from Rodney’s face and he slumped in defeat. He did as he was told, saving his work and quietly closing the laptop.
“Now,” Carson continued. “As to the initial reason I came here - I’ve spoken to Laura. She’s spoken to Katie and we’re on.” He included Radek in his smile. “Double date,” he explained to Radek with a wink and a smile. “You know our Rodney. He’d like to ask Katie out but he just doesn’t know what to say to the poor girl.”
He turned back to look at Rodney again, smiling down at him in a paternal manner. “Enjoy your coffee Rodney, and then come see me in the infirmary for your sedative,” he patted Rodney on the shoulder. “Radek? Make sure he comes along, will you?”
Radek nodded at the doctor. “I’ll see you in a bit,” Carson said to Rodney as he left the lab.
Radek returned to his own seat, pondering what he had just witnessed. He didn’t like mysteries. He liked to know what was going on around him, liked to understand why people interacted the way they did. If they started to act strangely he wanted to know why. He decided to keep a close eye on both Rodney and Carson.
End Chapter 3
Authors: inkscribe, pushkin666
Pairings: Beckett/McKay
Warning: This is a darkfic. We’d say more, but there really is a plot amongst all this and we’d rather not give it away. So: don’t like dark? Don’t read. Easily squicked? Don’t read. Feeling adventurous and wanting to give a dark AU a go? Enjoy!
Series summary: This is AU. Rodney is addicted to stimulants. He strikes a bargain with Carson. This has dominant creepy Carson and takes place after The Siege.
Spoilers: For series as a whole, some references up to mid-S3, but as an AU, none of them should damage your enjoyment or expectations of canon. We don’t go to the same place, not at all. *g*
Rating: NC-17
Words: ~4800
Locations: atlantiskink, beckett_mckay, inkscribe, malesofatlantis, pushkin666
Feedback: yes, please!
Disclaimer: Not ours, no matter how we wish they were.
- ETA: -
Please check out the beautiful Reward coverart & icons made for us by nickespix. Wow!
- end ETA -
Author’s Notes: Full chapters cross-posted at both author LJ’s. This chapter written by pushkin666.
Rodney sat at his workstation, staring at the screen in front of him. His eyes were open, but he saw nothing, nothing but images of the last two days playing out in his minds’ eye. Images of Carson - the cold look in his eyes, the way he took control of Rodney, turned his life upside down. Rodney glanced at the time on his laptop: 4.20 am.
He hoped nobody found him here. Even for Rodney, being at his station this early was excessive outside an emergency - but he couldn’t stay in his room any longer. Couldn’t sit in the dark, shivering despite the warmth from the heating system, despite the warmth of the bedding he wrapped around himself.
He’d stumbled back to his room after Carson’s examination. He was thankful that nobody saw him - pale-faced, eyes bright as if with fever. He managed to make it to the bathroom, his stomach roiling so much he feared he would vomit the entire time he was walking to his quarters. He rested his head against the basin, trying to take deep, slow breaths; trying to calm himself. To his surprise, he succeeded and wasn’t ill. He was grateful for that, at least - he hated being sick, hated the way it made him feel. How I felt that time I stopped taking the stimulants, he thought.
He stayed in that position until the trembling ceased. Then, shaky, he pushed himself to his feet, removed his clothes and dropped them on the floor in his haste to get to the shower. He needed to clean himself, to wash away the feeling of Carson - the touch of his nitrile-wrapped hands, the way they had lingered on Rodney’s skin. He felt dirty, and now knew with a horrible certainty that he was to feel a lot dirtier as this progressed.
Unclean, he thought, as he scrubbed himself down, trying to eradicate any trace of Carson. He got out of the shower moments, maybe hours later - he wasn’t really sure. He didn’t know. Everything seemed to be fading out at the edges around him, merging into one, making him feel sicker as he tripped over his own feet, trying to get to his bed. He collapsed onto it in a damp, trembling heap, resting a moment before pulling the covers up and around him like a cocoon, trying to burrow down until he was completely hidden; trying to go to sleep, hoping for it all to be different when he awoke, for none of this to be real.
He did not succeed. He awoke over and over during the night, watching the clock as it clicked over far slower than it should. He was unable to sleep, unable to get comfortable - unable to relax himself enough to sleep. No matter how he turned on the bed he still felt the pressure inside him where Carson’s finger had been. He had received internal exams before but they’d never been as intrusive as this one.
Now in his lab, he shifted uncomfortably on his seat, his face burning with shame. I shouldn’t have to do this, he berated himself. I’m better than this. I can quit! He remembered, though, the last time. The nausea, the vomiting, the shakiness. He blinked rapidly, his face tense as his thoughts settled into a coherent whole. I’m addicted, he finally admitted to himself.
He shuddered. Addiction meant needing the drugs only Carson could get for him, and Carson was demanding more than Rodney could ever have imagined when he was trapped that night - was that only two nights ago? And now - if that examination showed Rodney how it felt just to have Carson’s finger inside him, he dreaded the thought of Carson pushing his cock inside him, of Carson fucking him. Rodney broke out into a sweat at the thought.
He remembered that Carson said he wouldn’t rape Rodney. Rape, he whispered in his mind. The thought of being under Carson, begging Carson to take him, to fuck him, made his blood run cold with fear.
Carson said Rodney would beg Carson to take him. He knew Carson wasn’t making an idle threat. This was a promise.
Rodney shuddered. He couldn’t imagine how Carson could bring him to that point, didn’t want to think what Carson might do to him to reduce him to the state. Rodney didn’t care how it would be at the time, didn’t care that he might use his own voice to ask Carson to take him, beg him, as Carson promised. It might not technically be rape, Rodney thought. But that’s still what it is.
If somebody had told Rodney he’d ever be in this position - wondering when his friend was going to rape him - he would have laughed at them. Friend. He shivered again. He didn’t make friends easily; too much jealousy in the academic community of which he was a member. When he’d met Carson in Antarctica, though, they’d gravitated towards each other - two aliens lost amongst a multitude of Americans.
Two days ago Rodney would have counted Carson as his friend, his best friend, in fact. Now he wondered if it were all a façade, if they’d ever been friends. Was the cuddly, friendly surgeon persona as false as Carson’s friendship?
Opening the bottom drawer next to him, he hunted around until he found a strip of tablets. He popped one through the foil, swallowing it with a mouthful of coffee. He smiled - a small sad smile. Two nights of disturbed sleep and he needed the stimulants simply to keep him awake, never mind to help his mind wake up, to enable him to concentrate. He wanted to laugh at the irony of it all: now he needed more stimulants just to keep him going, yet now he had a steady supply - but the reason he had the supply was fast becoming the main reason he needed more.
He sighed and turned his attention back to the laptop. By the time anybody else arrived, he hoped he would be more awake, more alive.
-=-=-=-
Rodney collected his tray and glanced around the canteen, looking for the safest place to sit. He didn’t want to run the risk of sitting alone with Carson. He spotted the rest of his team at a table to one side and carefully navigated his way through the tables to them. He would be safe with these three; even if Carson joined them, he could manage.
John looked up at him and smiled. “Rodney,” he drawled. “Are you joining us?”
Rodney nodded, setting his full tray on the table and taking the seat next to Ronan.
“Jeez McKay,” John teased. “You’ve got almost as much food today as Ronon did.”
Rodney glared at John, not feeling up to handling criticism, no matter how jokingly intended.
“I’m hungry, okay?” he snapped. “I’ve been busy all morning and I need the food.”
John raised his hands in front of himself. “No need to bite my head off, McKay. I’m just commenting. If you carry on eating like that, you’re going to have to start running with myself and Ronon in the mornings.” He winked at Rodney, but Rodney felt his ire rise nonetheless.
“Hel-lo,” he snarled, waving his hands to emphasise his words. “Busy scientist here. I don’t have time to come running with you soldier boys.”
John stared at him. Rodney knew the word grunts was implicit in the words he’d chosen, and John looked suitably chagrined at the rebuke.
“Well you know Rodney, a bit of exercise would help you get rid of some stress,” John offered.
“I am not stressed,” Rodney snapped at him through his food. “I’m busy, okay? Do you understand? B-U-S-Y.”
“Don’t get snippy,” John said. “I’m just saying some exercise couldn’t hurt.”
Rodney sighed and put his utensils down, ready to take his tray elsewhere. He felt a touch on his arm and looked to see Teyla’s hand, reaching across the table.
“I think Doctor McKay has lost weight recently,” Teyla said.
Rodney relaxed slightly, smiling at her in gratitude. “Nice that someone notices,” he said.
She looked him over slowly. “Yes, you definitely have. Perhaps it is all the running to the gate that has done it,” she said. Rodney knew the lack of irony was no accident - Teyla’s facility with English was excellent, but her application of idiom and expression often came across differently than she intended.
Rodney felt himself smile genuinely for the first time since arriving at the table.
John chuckled. “Yeah that would do it. One of these days we’re going to have a mission where we actually meet friendlies who are friendly.”
Rodney continued to tuck into his food, happy that Teyla had diffused the tension rising among them. He relaxed slightly - Carson was nowhere in sight and even if he did join them, with his team around him, Rodney would be safe from the double-edged conversations that now defined every private discussion between the two men.
He suddenly remembered Radek joining them for lunch just yesterday. “How’s Radek doing with the repairs to Jumper 3?” he asked John.
“He’s doing fine,” John grimaced wryly. “Between babbling in techno-speak and Czech he’s almost as hard to follow as you sometimes, Rodney, but I got the gist that he would be finishing up shortly and would be back in the lab with you this afternoon.”
Rodney pulled a face. “You know full well what he said, Colonel. You’re not as stupid as your hair would like us to believe.”
“Hey,” John protested, tugging at his hair. “There’s nothing wrong with my hair.”
“No of course there isn’t,” Rodney said with a grin. “Nothing wrong with it that a gallon of hair products and three hours in front of the mirror wouldn’t cure.” He levelled a fork at John before continuing. “And don’t tell me you don’t style it, Colonel, because I won’t believe you.”
Ronon and Teyla laughed as John launched into an inventive explanation for his hair that involved trigonometry, calculus, and a dash of inspiration from a Mandelbrot set. Rodney continued to eat, secretly pleased that he’d managed to steer the conversation away from himself.
-=-=-=-
Ronan smiled over at Teyla. Sheppard and McKay were always fun to watch when they sniped at each other. He liked McKay, despite how he sometimes acted towards the man, he genuinely liked the scientist. McKay was so open - his feelings and moods were always clear to the world, and Ronon liked that. In that respect, McKay was far easier to be around than Sheppard. With Sheppard, Ronon didn’t always know where he stood - he didn’t know what Sheppard was thinking, he didn’t think anyone really did.
Ronon thought their group dynamic worked exceedingly well.
Where the colonel was a secretive man prone to moodiness and periods of deep quiet, McKay was the opposite. Oh, McKay was moody - they were up and down as often as the knickers of a fast whore - but Ronon liked that about the man, too.
When Ronon first met McKay he was unsure about the man, had found him distracting, loud. But Ronon soon realised that however much McKay bitched - and oh did he bitch - he got on with the job in hand. It was just his way. Ronon wondered whether his brain worked faster the more he talked.
He shrugged and glanced over at McKay’s tray, eyeing the scientist’s dessert speculatively. He wondered if he could steal McKay’s dessert. McKay had eyes in the back of his head when it came to his food, but if he was distracted it was always possible. Ronon settled in to wait.
Noting Dr. Beckett entering the room, Ronon motioned him over to them. The doctor was McKay’s close friend and he knew that if they started in on one of their usual conversations it would be (a) entertaining, and (b) just the distraction he needed to be able to steal McKay’s pudding.
Ronon greeted Dr. Beckett with a nod. The doctor smiled and sat down on the other side of McKay. Ronon was surprised to feel McKay tense up. He glanced at McKay, then Beckett. The doctor was chatting away as though nothing was wrong, nudging Rodney at some joke that Ronon didn’t really understand, but McKay’s response seemed a little stilted, even forced. Ronon wondered whether they had falling out or a disagreement. Knowing what McKay was like sometimes, he wouldn’t be surprised, although he’d always thought that Beckett wouldn’t be the type to carry a grudge.
Tucking into his own pudding he concentrated on answering Teyla’s questions. Lately she was trying to get him to join her for meditation. Once upon a time, before he became a Runner, he was able to meditate; now, he would fall asleep. When he started running, the only time he let his guard down was to sleep, and even then he would awaken at the slightest noise. He hoped that at some point he might feel safe enough here to regain some of what he had once been, and not what the Wraith had made him.
He heard McKay start to stutter and looked up, not surprised to see that a woman was the cause of it. Ronon grinned at the gentle biologist standing across from them. Katie Brown, he remembered. He smiled. Watching McKay with women was fun. The man had no idea how to handle them, how to cope with them flirting with him, showing interest. He watched as McKay stuttered to a stop and turned red with embarrassment.
Dr Beckett placed a reassuring hand on the scientist’s shoulder. Ronon noticed McKay almost flinched from the touch; he wondered whether McKay was injured and hoped the doctor would check it out. As the doctor leant into McKay, Ronon caught a sudden, sharp tang in the air, but he couldn’t quite place it. He scratched his beard for a moment, then reached over to snag McKay’s dessert whilst the scientist was distracted.
-=-=-=-
Rodney kept his head down as Carson chatted away to John and Teyla. Maybe if he kept quiet and just finished his lunch, he would be able to get out of here. This was almost like a repeat of yesterday’s lunch, except now there were more people. His stomach twisted as he realised that he and Carson ate together most lunchtimes - far more often than not. If they started to avoid each other, people would notice. He swallowed against a hard lump in his throat. He would have to get used to this, would have to learn to deal with Carson meeting him for lunch as though Rodney hadn’t a care in the world.
“Rodney,” he heard, and looked up into Katie’s Brown’s eyes.
“Oh, um. Katie,” he stuttered. He flicked his eyes from side to side, panic welling inside him at the thought of what Carson might to do to him because of Katie’s presence. He swallowed past another lump in his throat, and tried again. “Ah, how are you?”
He rubbed his hand on his trousers before extending it and taking her own right hand in his, shaking it firmly rapidly. “Um … I haven’t seen you for a while.”
“No,” she answered. “I’ve been off world with Major Lorne’s team. We’ve been investigating some of the plant life on PKX-241. It’s nice to see you again, Rodney.”
He gazed up at her, trying to stifle the rising panic he felt. Oh god, he thought. She wants to ask me out. Katie Brown was standing there, wanting to ask Rodney out, and Sheppard and Ronon were grinning like loons while Carson watched it all. I can’t do this, Carson will kill me, he thought frantically.
“Well,” he choked out. “Good to see you, too. Perhaps I’ll see you around some time?”
He felt sick as the smile left her eyes. He knew he was the cause of it but he didn’t know what to say to her, not in front of Carson. “Um. I have to …” he waved his hand over the table.
“Yes. Of course,” she said, clearly taken aback but retaining her dignity. “I have to go. It was nice seeing you Rodney.” She turned to Carson and smiled, “Say hello to Laura for me?”
“Aye lass, I will.” Carson told her, his voice warm and his face all smiles.
Rodney took a mouthful of coffee as Katie walked away. He wanted to crawl under the table and die. He couldn’t believe the way he’d just acted - there was no way on earth Katie would want to have a relationship with him after how he’d embarrassed her. Not that I’m free to have a real relationship now anyway, he thought bitterly.
He felt Carson rubbing his shoulder and willed himself not to flinch, knowing it would look strange if he pulled away from the doctor.
“Wow McKay,” Sheppard teased with a grin. “Way to go with the ladies. I don’t think I’ve got anything to worry about when you’re around.” Rodney tried to keep his expression bland, to prevent the tearing of his heart show in his face.
“Oh, Rodney’s just a wee bit tongue-tied around her, that’s all,” Carson said, defending him.
Rodney was shocked.
“He likes her quite a bit, don’t you Rodney?” Carson continued.
Rodney felt Carson nudging his leg under the table. He nodded slowly, hesitant. What is Carson up to? he thought frantically.
“I’ll speak to Laura,” Carson told Rodney, smiling at him and then the table as he explained. “She and Katie are good friends. I’ll see if I can get her to arrange a double date.”
Rodney swallowed hard to keep the bile from rising into his throat. He heard Carson’s voice as though it was from far away. “That would work, don’t you agree, Rodney?”
Rodney starred at him in dismay as Carson patted him on the shoulder again. Rodney cleared his throat and tried to speak calmly. “There’s no need, Carson. Honestly.”
“Geez, McKay,” John interrupted. “From what we just witnessed, I think there’s every need. If Carson’s willing to do that for you, you should be grateful.”
Rodney felt sick but managed to force ire into his voice to reply hotly. “I am grateful. I just don’t need somebody to set up a date for me.”
“Face it, McKay,” Sheppard retorted. “You wouldn’t know what to do with that girl if she showed up naked at your door. Let Carson help you - he’s your closest friend here.” John got up from the table and walked around to Rodney, clapping him on the shoulder. “Go for it, tiger. You’ll enjoy it. Ronon, Teyla - you ready?”
Rodney said nothing. He couldn’t say that Carson wasn’t his friend now, perhaps never really was.
He wondered why Carson would want to arrange a double date. After the last two days, Rodney had no doubt that this was another of Carson’s twisted games. He looked hesitantly at Carson, only to see a broad smile on the other man’s face. “Cheer up Rodney,” the doctor said, clasping his shoulder in a friendly manner. “A night out with two pretty girls and your best friend - what more can you want?” He winked at Rodney then rose from the table. “I’ll have a chat with Laura and swing by later and let you know if she’s managed to organise something. See you in a wee while.”
Rodney was relieved to see Carson leave. He had no idea what to make of the last few minutes, other than he had no doubt that whatever the doctor was planning, it wasn’t anything Rodney wanted to be a part of. He didn’t know how to react - his friend wasn’t a friend, the nice man he thought he knew was some sort of sick psychopath. Or should it be a sociopath? he wondered. Rodney shook his head - he wasn’t certain the distinction mattered much at the moment.
His head ached. He hardly noticed the rest of his team leave. He didn’t know if he seemed off to everyone else, but in addition to feeling the tense sickness within him, his limbs felt heavy as though he’d just uncrated and setup an entire new server room. He pushed himself up and began to walk to the lab. At least Radek would be back this afternoon. The Czech was an excellent scientist and an efficient and friendly subordinate. Rodney knew he worked better when Radek was there, working alongside him. Right now, he needed all the help he could get.
-=-=-=-
Radek watched as Rodney gave another huge yawn - he was clearly exhausted. Radek didn’t understand why Rodney was still there. The scientist could have left hours ago to get some sleep. He’d tried suggesting it earlier but the only result was that Rodney had nearly bitten his head off.
Rodney didn’t need to be here at the moment, he didn’t need to be up early. At the moment, Atlantis faced no imminent Wraith attacks or Replicator visits. Rodney himself had no immediate upcoming missions with the colonel’s team, and no special projects outstanding. At the moment, they were only dealing with the day-to-day maintenance of Atlantis, and Rodney didn’t need to be in the lab for any of it.
In his present state, Radek felt the man was more of a hindrance than anything. Rodney wasn’t an engineer like Radek. Oh he knew what needed to be done, how best to utilise the manpower they had but Radek had a better understanding of the minutiae - this was the sort of work he’d been doing most of his professional life.
Atlantis needed Rodney at top form if something untoward happened and at the moment Radek thought the scientist simply needed to rest. Radek always checked the computer logs when he arrived at his station and was concerned to note that Rodney had logged on around 4.00 am. When he asked Rodney about the early start time, the man had told him he hadn’t slept well, had thought it simply easier to come into work than lie in bed tossing and turning.
Radek didn’t understand. If Rodney couldn’t sleep he should have asked Carson for a sedative. The doctor was a reasonable man, not to mention Rodney’s friend. Rodney had even gone for a check-up just the evening before - the scientist had no excuse for not getting what he needed to get a proper sleep.
The Czech wondered if Rodney was just under the weather at the moment. He decided to get them some more coffee - that would help Rodney’s mood if not his wakefulness. Collecting three thermos jugs, he left the lab to have them refilled in the canteen.
Returning a short while later, he was pleased to run into Carson on his way to see Rodney.
Carson frowned at the three thermos jugs Radek was trying to carry, taking one from him before he dropped them. “Why so much coffee?” Carson asked.
“For Rodney,” Radek explained. “He is very tired. He was at work at 4.00 this morning.”
Carson chuckled. “What sort of daft projects is he running now?”
“That’s just it,” Radek said with a shrug. “Right now, nothing. We are as quiet as we can be - there is no need for this and it is not good for him.”
Carson looked surprised but nodded. “No, that can’t be good for him. Did he explain why he came in so early?”
“He tells me he is unable to sleep.”
“That’s odd. I wonder what’s causing that,” Carson said with a worried frown. “Perhaps he needs a sedative.”
Radek nodded. “I think it might help him.”
“I thought he might be run down when I gave him a check-up yesterday,” Carson said. “I can’t share specifics with you but all things considered, he seems to be in reasonable health. I’m still waiting for his labs to come back but I doubt you have anything to worry about. I think it’s simply that he’s overtired and run down. I expect he just needs to eat a little better, drink less coffee, and have some downtime.”
Radek smiled in relief. “You are a good doctor. You make sure your patients and friends are well looked after - performing to the top of their abilities.”
“Well that’s what I’m here for,” Carson said with a deprecating smile. “Although I’ll be honest with you - it can be a trial at times with some of them.”
“Rodney in particular, I’m certain,” Radek chuckled.
“Yes, he’s definitely one of my more awkward patients,” Carson said, chuckling along with him. “Anyway, here we are. Let’s see how he’s doing, shall we?”
Carson followed Radek into the lab, placing the coffee thermos with the ones Radek had carried. Radek poured Rodney a cup of coffee. He watched Carson moving purposefully towards Rodney’s workstation. The doctor stopped and stood in front of the scientist, but it was obvious that Rodney hadn’t noticed him.
“Rodney.”
“What?” Rodney looked up. “What are you doing here?” he snapped.
Radek watched the exchange with interest. Carson’s face went still as he stared down at Rodney, the scientist’s face paling as he looked into the doctor’s eyes. Eyes that even from where Radek stood he could see were as cold as ice. He felt his own eyes widen slightly in surprise. He had never seen such a look on Carson’s face before, and for Rodney to be on the receiving end was even more of a surprise. He wondered for a moment what he had missed between the two of them, and then Carson was turning to Radek with a smiling face. If Radek hadn’t seen the look pass between the two men himself, he would have never believed it.
“This is his last coffee for the day Radek,” Carson said, gesturing at the cup ready in Radek’s hand. “No more, Rodney. Do you understand?”
Rodney glared at him. “What I drink isn’t any of your business,” he snapped. “I’m tired, okay? I need the coffee to keep me awake. If you -” he stopped abruptly and did not continue.
Radek wondered what he might have wanted to say. Very, very interesting, Radek thought. If it were possible Rodney had gone even paler, the only colour on his face a small red spot on each cheek, lips red and swollen from where he had appeared to have bitten them.
Carson leant down towards Rodney “I’m your doctor and your friend, Rodney. If I think you’re drinking too much coffee and running yourself into the ground I’ll tell you so, and I expect you to pay attention. Do you understand me?” His voice took on a hard edge that surprised Radek. “Now save what you’re working on and close that laptop down. Radek tells me you didn’t sleep last night. He thinks you need some sleep, and I think he’s right. You’re coming with me for a sedative, and some medically-ordered downtime.”
Rodney glared at Radek. “Oh, he did, did he?” he said sarcastically. “Are you two ganging up on me or something? Are you talking about me behind my back? It’s nothing to do with either of you if I can’t sleep.”
Carson sighed the sigh of long-suffering physicians everywhere. “Yes it is, Rodney. You’re tired and you need some downtime. From the way you’re shouting at people it’s obvious you’re wound up as well as overtired. If you don’t come along to the lab for the sedative I’ll have to involve Doctor Weir, and I’m certain you don’t want me to do that, do you Rodney?”
Radek watched in fascination as all defiance drained from Rodney’s face and he slumped in defeat. He did as he was told, saving his work and quietly closing the laptop.
“Now,” Carson continued. “As to the initial reason I came here - I’ve spoken to Laura. She’s spoken to Katie and we’re on.” He included Radek in his smile. “Double date,” he explained to Radek with a wink and a smile. “You know our Rodney. He’d like to ask Katie out but he just doesn’t know what to say to the poor girl.”
He turned back to look at Rodney again, smiling down at him in a paternal manner. “Enjoy your coffee Rodney, and then come see me in the infirmary for your sedative,” he patted Rodney on the shoulder. “Radek? Make sure he comes along, will you?”
Radek nodded at the doctor. “I’ll see you in a bit,” Carson said to Rodney as he left the lab.
Radek returned to his own seat, pondering what he had just witnessed. He didn’t like mysteries. He liked to know what was going on around him, liked to understand why people interacted the way they did. If they started to act strangely he wanted to know why. He decided to keep a close eye on both Rodney and Carson.
End Chapter 3