Shy.
i have imagined before, that someday when the boy i love asks me to spend the rest of my life with him, says that he wants to grow old with me, that he wants to take care of me, fulfill all my dreams and wishes, and wants to have little jolenes and s with me.. i'd be blushing and really shy- at a loss for words but with a really cute happy smiley look on my face, and all i'd really want to do is hide my face in his chest and hug him really tightly to me. for awhile. just for awhile. a really long while maybe.
i never thought that i'd be at a loss for words, wondering instead if if this is really what i want and feeling an inexplicable discomfort deep down inside, yet knowing that i am slowly throwing away a chance with someone that is as ideal a partner as a partner could get.
i do know that there are other things to consider. i do know that it is important that the boy i spend the rest of my life with should be able to provide me with a happy home, and should have a decent career. i do know that i should not be with someone just for the sake of "being crazily in love". i do know that tolerance and compatibility is important, maybe even more important than love itself. i do know that while all these may seem trivial right now, they may not in the long run.
but how to love, when you don't know what it is anymore?
i am afraid to say i love you. i am hesitant. perhaps i am just not capable of that sort of feeling everyone but me seems to be so clear about.
i am not merely contemplating shifting to singapore. at the back of my head, i have asked myself a thousand times before, whether or not it is better that i try for a transfer to elsewhere. not malaysia, not singapore. and maybe when i am alone, forced to change to adapt to the environment, culture and people, only then will i know what i really need.
--
i think i will put my braces on soon. it doesn't really matter now does it?
i never thought that i'd be at a loss for words, wondering instead if if this is really what i want and feeling an inexplicable discomfort deep down inside, yet knowing that i am slowly throwing away a chance with someone that is as ideal a partner as a partner could get.
i do know that there are other things to consider. i do know that it is important that the boy i spend the rest of my life with should be able to provide me with a happy home, and should have a decent career. i do know that i should not be with someone just for the sake of "being crazily in love". i do know that tolerance and compatibility is important, maybe even more important than love itself. i do know that while all these may seem trivial right now, they may not in the long run.
but how to love, when you don't know what it is anymore?
i am afraid to say i love you. i am hesitant. perhaps i am just not capable of that sort of feeling everyone but me seems to be so clear about.
i am not merely contemplating shifting to singapore. at the back of my head, i have asked myself a thousand times before, whether or not it is better that i try for a transfer to elsewhere. not malaysia, not singapore. and maybe when i am alone, forced to change to adapt to the environment, culture and people, only then will i know what i really need.
--
i think i will put my braces on soon. it doesn't really matter now does it?