Super Junior {fic dump 1}
last night I was looking through my googledocs and while I knew that I had a lot of WsIP, I didn't realise just how many. A lot of them actually consist of more than 2,500 words (one had almost 5000 words :|), and it seems a shame to not finish those things so that's my plan for the next while.
on the other hand, far more had barely any word count at all, and they are never, ever going to be finished because the plot line isn't there anymore, or I've lost the momentum, or I can't remember WHAT THE FUCK IT WAS ABOUT (yeah, you'll see), and so it makes no sense to have them there laughing at me. I dislike deleting things (since it seems like the end of something), so instead I'm just going to post them all here and have a little unfinished fic dump :| this is part 1 of idek how many.
1. this is probably the longest thing that I'm going to dump. I started this about a year ago, while watching War of the Worlds :| It was my alien!au, and it was stupid and made no sense. I was going to finish it at some point but I wrote some more to it that go lost through the system and now it's just sitting at the bottom of my gdocs page laughing at me.
Super Junior: banfic, alien!au, 1,320 words
Kibum taps a couple of keys with one arm, takes a sip of that thing that they call Coca-Cola on Earth with his second arm, adjusts on of the screens with his third and then leans over and taps Kyuhyun with his fourth. Kyuhyun looks up from the monitor he is studying and looks at Kibum in confusion. "I have a question," says Kibum. "Fairly important, in the grand scheme of things. Where the fuck are we?"
Kyuhyun frowns at him. "Delta 63," he says.
"That doesn't exist," says Kibum. "All the monitors says Delta 63, but that doesn't exist."
"What do you mean, it doesn't exist?" asks Kyuhyun, looking at him like he's insane. "Didn't you do basic universal geography at school?"
"Passed top of my class," says Kibum. "I'm telling you. 647-Delta 63 does not exist."
"Of course it does!" says Kyuhyun. "If the monitors say that we're in 647-Delta 63, we're in 647-Delta 63!"
"Well the monitors are wrong," insists Kibum.
"I invented the monitors," shouts Kyuhyun. "There is no way that they could be wrong!"
"Look!" says Kibum, and he gets down onto his knees and looks in the cupboard underneath the control board and pulls out a phone book that is only a couple of years old. He flicks through it - comes to 647-Delta 61 - flicks to the next page, 650-Delta 64 - and then turns triumphantly to Kyuhyun. "See? Doesn't exist."
"I'm not trusting that phone book over my own technology," says Kyuhyun, and flips him off with three of his arms. "Why would the monitors be telling us that we're somewhere that we're not."
"Well, I have no idea," says Kibum. "But I'm telling you, we're not in Delta 63."
"Oh, for the love of--" Kyuhyun reaches forward and presses a button and the black shutter on the front of the craft begins to lift - they never have any need to actually look out, not when they have 360 degree vision with the monitors - and he says; "The monitors are telling us that Delta 63 should be a planet with black clouds covering half of the surface, so if it's--" He stops. Turns to Kibum. "What the fuck." he says flatly.
The planet that they can see through the front screen is Okaywecan, a planet that has almost permanent nice weather; any who come from there seem to have constant sunny dispositions. Unfortunately, they have two on board at that moment, and both Kyuhyun and Kibum know exactly which one has tripped their monitors. There is a pause, and then Kibum is half-running, half-stumbling from the room, yelling; "LEE DONGHAE!"
---
Hankyung will always, always, always be amused beyond belief whenever he watches Heechul get dressed. Admittedly, Hankyung has never met any other person from Heechul's home planet, but it's pretty much in the name. As a general rule, people from Prettyprincess are not known for their ability to objectively look at clothes or make-up or hair products, and are even less likely to do anything that might misplace a single hair on their head.
So each morning, Heechul spends half an Earth hour in the shower; another Earth hour drying and styling his hair; two hours choosing what to wear that day, and then throws it on within five minutes and manages to look perfect each time. Most of the time Hankyung is just glad Heechul is not an actual girl from that planet, because he's heard that they spend an extra three hours on make-up. As it is, Heechul never makes it out of his room before midday in whatever solar system they might be visiting that day. It's likely that this is also his excuse for never getting any work before 3pm.
Heechul saunters out of the shower, rubbing at his hair with a towel; it's bright red that day, almost astonishing, but then that is exactly the look Heechul was going for. He always goes for astonishing. On the counter in the bathroom is a large cluster of hair dyes, and Heechul tends to pick a different one each morning, until he runs out and then he steals one of the shuttles and goes down to the nearest planet and buys some more. Usually the whole operation is held up, and Eeteuk is forced to do serious damage control because of the amount of life forms who were previously unaware of alien life form suddenly become very aware when Heechul lands a space-craft in the middle of a busy street and clambers out screaming at the piece of junk for ruining his hair.
Hankyung and Siwon have a different bet each day before Heechul goes into the shower, on what colour his hair will be before he comes out. Today, neither was correct, and so the money rolls over to tomorrow. "Blonde," says Hankyung leisurely, as Heechul pulls open his wardrobe.
Siwon peers back at Heechul and then says, decidedly; "Black."
Actually it will be neither - Heechul always chooses something other than what they have decided. By the last estimate, there is now one million Earth dollars in the pool. Neither Siwon or Hankyung are going to do anything to annoy Heechul and make him choose one over the other, not with that much money in the running.
"If you're quite finished," says Heechul, without taking his eyes off the clothes in front of him.
"It's lucky your hair takes dye that easily," says Hankyung.
"And that it never falls out," says Siwon. "Hyung, you would look so bad bald."
Heechul throws a nearby book at Siwon's head. Siwon dodges it neatly - one of the advantages of having eyes (literally) in the back of his head. "Shut up," says Heechul, flicking his hair over his shoulder. "Everything looks good on me."
"Of course it does," says Hankyung.
"I'm not going blonde," says Heechul. "So don't try that."
"Fuck," says Hankyung, and Siwon mimes throwing up at him and Heechul throws another book at him.
"I'm going to get rid of that stack of books," grumbles Siwon.
---
Donghae thinks that Okaywecan is the greatest place in any solar system in any universe. There are bright blue seas and lush green grass and perfect white beaches, and the sun shines all the time. The only place even similar to it is certain places on Earth, but at least Okaywecan doesn't have humans. There is always something to do on Okaywecan, and he was dancing in a bar when Kibum manages to locate him.
So he moans a lot when Kibum makes him come back onto the ship.
"I wasn't hurting anyone!" he protests, feeling a little too much like a kid getting wrong off a parent.
"We're supposed to be on our way to Beta 16," says Kibum, arms folded and foot tapping impatiently on the floor of the holo-lift. "The order from Eeteuk just came through. But we can't go, because first we had to track you down."
"I just wanted some fun," grumbles Donghae.
"And you managed to trip the monitors," says Kibum. "Kyuhyun is absolutely foaming. I'd avoid him, if I were you."
"I don't know why," says Donghae, scuffing his shoe on the floor. "This way he gets to fiddle around with them again and he always loves doing that."
"That's not the point," says Kibum, and surely this should be the other way around, because Kibum is younger than Donghae and it's just weird that he has to act like his father or something every other week. Next time, he's going to send someone else on pick-up duty. Possibly Heechul, because getting bitched at by Heechul for making him have to do something that is not in his job description could possibly put Donghae off doing things like this for life.
"Then what is the point?" asks Donghae, and he seems honestly
2. I think this was inspired by this gif and a conversation with crazychickencow, as most of these things are going to be :| Basically we thought it would be funny if Sungmin (and by extension, Zhou Mi) shipped Hanchul and went around trying to set them up, and writing fanfic and leaving it around for them to get ideas from, and stuff like that -- only it turns out that Hanchul already are having sex and no one has realised.
Super Junior: Kyuhyun/Zhou Mi/Sungmin, Hankyung/Heechul, 310 words
Zhou Mi squeals and claps his hands over his mouth in shock, which, of course, attracts the attention of Sungmin, who is super finely tuned to anything that could be vaguely scandalous/entertaining/hilarious, and so he is all over Zhou Mi within seconds.
"What?" he asks, bouncing around and trying to look over Zhou Mi's shoulder at his computer screen. Zhou Mi obediantly leans back to let Sungmin look at what he has found. There is a long pause, and then Sungmin squeals.
Kyuhyun wonders where he put his painkillers. The heavy duty ones. The ones he took while in hospital.
"Is that -- Heechul? And Hankyung?" Sungmin sounds completely hysterical, which is enough to make Kyuhyun groan and bury his head under the quilt cover. "Are they -- kissing?"
That's enough to make Kyuhyun take notice, and he sits up, pushing his hair from his face, to find that was is on the screen is an animated image of two guys kissing; two guys who do, actually, look a lot like Heechul and Hankyung. He blinks and shakes his head; no, it's still them.
"I don't think it is," says Zhou Mi doubtfully. "I think it's some people who look like Heechul and Hankyung."
"Well," says Sungmin, visibily deflated. "That sucks."
Kyuhyun sighs and stands up, stretching. "Hyung," he says. "It couldn't possibly be Heechul-hyung and Hankyung-hyung, they're not in a relationship, are they?"
"Oh, but Kyuhyunnie!" Sungmin is pouting, and that never bodes well for Kyuhyun. "Maybe they should be."
"Oooh," says Zhou Mi, excited.
"I want no part in this," announces Kyuhyun, before he can get dragged under like that time when Sungmin and Zhou Mi decided that the concept for the week was shiny things, and enlisted Kyuhyun to convince Eeteuk that it was a Good Idea (it wasn't).
3. UHHHH okay the context for this is a conversation with tokyolights about how the word "therapist" can be split into "the rapist" and how Donghae would totally pronounce it like that and be all "I don't want to see the rapist, hyung!" and he'd get Hankyung into trouble.
Super Junior: bandfic, 142 words
They're all watching television about two days after Super Junior M returns from China, and there's a hospital on the screen because they're watching some drama that Kyuhyun likes and suddenly Donghae says, "I saw the rapist in China."
There is a long pause.
"Wait, what?" Eunhyuk frowns at him. Donghae frowns back.
"I saw the rapist in China," he repeats.
Everyone turns to Hankyung, who furrows his brow in a confused way that no one is falling for. "I don't understand," he says with a shrug. Heechul snorts in a way that is supposed to suggest no one is falling for that, by the way, and hits him on the head.
"You are so dead," he says.
"No, Donghae," says Hankyung. "You didn't see a rapist, you saw a--"
"WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN DOING IN CHINA?" shrieks Eeteuk all of a sudden.
4. this was inspired by a rl conversation in which a couple of my friends bitched about how chocolate condoms don't taste like chocolate, and how the bananas ones are disgusting, and I sat there going "....why is this my life oh my god."
Super Junior: Hankyung/Heechul, Kyuhyun/Sungmin, 365 words
Heechul sat on the sofa, legs curled up beneath him, looking thoughtfully at the cup of hot chocolate in his hands. As everyone around him laughed at something on the television, he suddenly looked up and announced; "Chocolate condoms do not taste like this."
Eeteuk spat his soda out; Kyuhyun choked on a piece of cookie that he'd just eaten; Shindong appeared to stop breathing for a couple of minutes, he went so red; Sungmin looked interested; and Donghae looked confused.
"What," gasped Eeteuk, holding his throat. "What do you mean?"
"Exactly what I said," said Heechul. "Chocolate condoms do not taste anything like hot chocolate. They don't even taste like chocolate, they're disgusting."
"I've never tried the chocolate ones," said Sungmin thoughtfully. "I've tried the banana ones."
"Oh my god," said Heechul. "They are so fucking disgusting. I actually wanted to throw up."
"Do you have to talk about this in the living room," said Eeteuk, hoarse through disbelief and choking. Kyuhyun looked like he just wanted to disappear. Eeteuk was, after all, still in denial that his youngest member had a sex life, especially one that involved flavoured condoms.
"Go somewhere else if you don't want to hear it," said Heechul. Shindong immediately stood up and left the room. Heechul made a gesture at his back that indicated both displeasure and faggotry, before he turned back to Sungmin. "I only say this," he said, "because I tried the chocolate ones out last night, and they don't taste a thing like chocolate. Well, they do, but they're like really cheap chocolate biscuits, so it doesn't really count."
"Where is Hankyung?" asked Eeteuk shrilly, sounding on the verge of tears. "Why isn't he here to stop you?"
"Kyungie's gone out somewhere," said Heechul. "If he comes back with chocolate condoms, however, the man is sleeping on the floor tonight."
"Don't you think condoms are really disgusting anyway?" Sungmin casually reaches down and plucks a cookie from the plate beside Kyuhyun -- Kyuhyun, who has his head in his arms. Donghae still looks confused. "They feel awful."
"Slimy," agreed Heechul. "Like a latex glove." Eeteuk moaned in horror. Heechul sent him an amused look.
5. this was something crazychickencow and I were talking about, the idea that Heechul kissing everyone on stage was somehow part of a plan to get Hankyung to notice him and get his attention, but when that didn't work he tries everything he can and Hankyung is just BLIND, and like, Sungmin says it's because Heechul's hair is too girly so he gets it all chopped off. It was going to be an attempt at explaining rl things through the eyes of Heechul trying to seduce Hankyung. It was also very, very stupid.
Super Junior: Hankyung/Heechul, 895 words
Heechul rages around the room like someone had just broken his favourite handheld mirror, but Sungmin watches the whole thing with something approaching apathy. "Clearly you just aren't going about it the right way," he says. The glare that Heechul sends in his direction is nothing short of heartstopping, or, at least, it would be to anyone else but Sungmin counters it with some innocent blinking.
"What other possible way could I go?" demands Heechul. "I have tried everything."
And the sad thing is, he actually has tried everything short of a flashing neon sign that says IF WE COULD HAVE LOTS OF SEX, THAT'D BE PRETTY GREAT, and the only reason he hasn't tried that is because neon signs are strangely expensive.
"I have tried leather," says Heechul, counting them off on his fingers. "I have tried that stupid love letter idea, I have tried giving him a lap dance. Nothing works!"
Sungmin considers this. "Have you tried cross dressing?"
"Yes," says Heechul promptly. "The fucking man is blind."
"Maybe it's something about China," says Sungmin. "Maybe our ways of seduction just aren't the same here."
"What can be so hard to see?" asks Heechul. "You know as well as I do, Subtle is not my middle name."
Subtle may not be his middle name, but he has always thought that his parents should have named him Irresistable, because he just kind of fucking is - or, at least, he is to most people, most normal people, people who aren't fucking blind and he is naming no names but he totally means Hankyung who is just pissing him off right now.
"Where am I going wrong?" he whines, throwing himself into a nearby chair. Sungmin purses his lips and tips his head to the side. Then he grins in a way that makes Heechul sit up in expectation.
"I have an idea," says Sungmin slowly.
Jungmo is strangely eager to help out, so eager that Heechul looks at him carefully for a moment or two before he remembers that oh yeah, he's irresistable. It slipped his mind for a minute. He punches Jungmo in the shoulder and tries to hope that Jungmo doesn't hold onto these feelings for too long, but he can't quite manage it because it's a nice boost to his ego.
(His ego which was slightly deflated by Hankyung appearing to not even notice him walking around the dorm in just a towel.)
Kissing Jungmo's only effect is making Jungmo gain a full blown crush on him, and Hankyung doesn't even notice anyway, because he isn't watching the first time, and when Heechul does it the second time (at great risk to himself, he might add, because he thinks Jungmo might be stalking him now), he knows Hankyung sees but Hankyung doesn't say anything about it. In fact, the only thing he does say to Heechul is; "Do you want me to make some rice for dinner tonight?"
"There's nothing else for it," says Heechul firmly. "Sungmin, you're going to have to kiss me."
Sungmin is used to hearing a lot of things come out of Heechul's mouth but that is simply bizarre. "What?" he asks, twisting his mouth.
"Look," says Heechul. "Nothing else is working, he clearly doesn't see Jungmo as a threat because he's not part of the same band."
"Well, I don't know what I have to do with any of it," says Sungmin, folding his arms and huffing.
"Because you're part of the same band, and you're a kindred spirit," says Heechul. "He'd have to pay attention to me then."
"Hankyung already pays attention to you," says Sungmin. "Hyung, he, like, stalks you or something, I don't even know."
Heechul pauses at that. "What do you mean?" he asks. "Is that where my shirts are going? Am I going to - okay, ew."
"No," says Sungmin, exasperated. "I don't know where your shirts are going, but I don't think Hankyung-hyung is stealing them. What I mean is that he's always watching you on stage, and following you around."
"Which means that this is going to work!" Heechul smirks at Sungmin triumphantly. "What, are you too much of a fag to kiss me?"
Sungmin sucks in an angry breath, offended. "Screw you, hyung!" he says. "I'll kiss you, but I won't enjoy it."
"Lies," says Heechul, with a casual wave of the hand. "Lies and slander."
What freaks the two out is that actually, they both enjoy the kiss a little bit more than is strictly necessary. They sort of stare at each other for a long moment after they come off stage, before nodding their heads nervously and Sungmin grabs hold of Kyuhyun and talks to him in a nervous babble. Kyuhyun stares at him. "Are you alright, hyung?" he asks.
"Yes," says Sungmin, and just sort of clutches at him. Kyuhyun looks at him with considerable concern, but then Eeteuk is there and yelling at them and after that Sungmin and Heechul just decide that it was a fun thing to do and they should try it again sometime. They do, but it's more to piss Eeteuk off than anything to do with Hankyung. Hankyung who still hasn't noticed.
"What will it take?" Heechul is really quite desperate now. "What, do I have to kill myself or something before he notices that I exist?"
6. this started off as me just explaining why I would totally watch a tv show in which SJ were made to sit in a room and play with a bunch of children's toys. It then became "5 TV shows pitched to Super Junior", but I never got past 2, orz. also this fic is the birth place of my favourite word: hankyuffs.
Super Junior: bandfic, 811 words
1
"This is so stupid," says Heechul when the door clicks shut after them, and they are locked in the room. He sulks in the corner of the room, and his attempts at being quietly annoyed inevitably mean that he spreads himself out and tries to sleep. Kangin stands on his hand, and is on the other side of the room before Heechul even opens his eyes to glare.
"It's not that stupid," says Eeteuk doubtfully. He looks around the room; it's a blank room, with blank walls and blank floor and -- full of children's toys. He blinks; it is still the strangest thing he has ever seen in his life.
Kyuhyun gingerly steps over a Scrabble set. "Even you could not find the good in this situation, hyung," he says, as even Sungmin looks at a pink stuffed rabbit like it is a bomb that is about to explode in his face. "There is no good in this situation."
"Quiet!" hisses Eeteuk, with a cautious look around. "They'll hear you!"
"WHOEVER CAME UP WITH THIS IS STUPID!" shouts Donghae. The sound echoes around the room. There is no reply. Suddenly they all feel very confused, very lost, and very, very abandoned.
"They left us to die with just Monopoly as witness," says Ryeowook sadly. It is one of the most ridiculous things anyone has ever said, and yet they all agree with him.
"They won't have left us to die," says Eeteuk - he has never sounded more unsure in his entire life. "I mean, why would they? We - we're important. We have rights!"
"This was your idea!" says Kangin loudly. "You're the one who agreed to this television show without even asking what it would be about!"
"Well, I didn't think they'd lock us in a room with children's toys and tell us to just play with them, did I?" retorts Eeteuk indignantly. "I mean - I think what we should do is - Henry, what are you doing?"
Henry looks up from the floor, where he has picked up a Rubik's Cube and is fiddling with it. "Um," he says, blushing. "I like them?"
Eeteuk frowns; opens his mouth; closes it again. He can't think of anything to say. Ryeowook kneels down in front of Henry and watches him try to work the puzzle out with interest. Eeteuk opens his mouth again. No, still nothing.
"Siwon," says Heechul imperiously. "Come here." Siwon glances nervously at Hankyung and then goes over to the corner that Heechul has comandeered. Heechul motions for him to sit down, and then he proceedes to use him as a pillow. Siwon sighs heavily.
"Oh my god!" shrieks Zhou Mi. He has slowly made his way to the other side of the room, deciding that he would be pioneering where the others could not be, and has just looked into a chest. He makes an excited high pitched sound - Hankyung stops thinking that it was a dead body and Kyuhyun starts to wish they'd given him some painkillers before they'd locked them in there. "Dressing up clothes!"
Heechul sits bolt upright - his hand catches Siwon in the jaw, who then falls backward and hits his head off the wall. He groans and holds his head in his hands; Heechul just scowls at him. "Be a man," he tells him, and then flounces over to where Zhou Mi is standing. Hankyung sighs and then makes sure that Siwon doesn't have a concussion.
"Move," says Heechul, and Zhou Mi obediently steps out of the way. Heechul half-disappears into the chest, and returns triumphantly with a black cap, trunchen and a pair of handcuffs. He strides over to Hankyung and dangles them in front of his face. "Look!" he says. "Hankyuffs!"
"Oh my god," says Hankyung. Heechul grins at him. Eeteuk bursts into tears and started hammering at the door.
"Let me out!" he screams. "For the sake of my sanity, let me out!"
2
There is something about the whole situation that seems remarkably familiar. Eeteuk blinks at the idea sheet put down in front of them. "So we go on dates with them?" he asks.
"That's the plan," says the PD.
"And the women choose one of us for a full length date," says Eeteuk with a tone of what the fuck.
"Sounds good," says Kangin, who, after all, would be up for anything that involves girls. Eeteuk glares at him, and Kangin just shrugs nonchalantely.
"Doesn't this sound familiar?" asks Eeteuk. Blank stares all round.
"I don't want to do it," says Heechul. "Hankyung and Siwon aren't doing it either."
"But hyung," begins Siwon, but is soon interrupted.
"Please," says Heechul. "Siwon, if you went on that, you'd be picked every week. I have to protect my property somehow, you know."
"Doesn't this sound familiar?" Eeteuk repeats. He is ignored.
7. LASTLY THIS FIC IS PISSING ME OFF. I literally CANNOT remember what it was about. I remember writing the first two lines, but nothing else. I have no idea why Siwon's screaming, and I have no idea what was going to happen. It is odd and I wish it would stop teasing me.
Super Junior: ???, 194 words
"Kui Xian," says Zhou Mi very thoughfully. "Can you hear shouting?"
"You're in the Super Junior dorm," says Kyuhyun, distracted just a little by his handheld game and Zhou Mi's (actually innocent) hand on his thigh. "There is always shouting."
"That's Siyuan," says Zhou Mi triumphantly, and sure enough, one floor below, Siwon really was standing in the middle of the living room, screaming about something or another. Hankyung, who is practically fluent at Korean but has this thing called 'selective understanding', is staring at him with a puzzled look on his face, because he's not sure he wants to understand whatever Siwon is so traumitized by. Donghae is staring at Siwon like he's a partically riveting television show that will never be shown again. Shindong is peering around Siwon at the actual television. Eeteuk is thankfully out. And Heechul --
Storms out of his bedroom and screams even louder than Siwon. "Shut the fuck up," he hisses, when Siwon stops yelling and falls sheepishly silent. Heebum curls his way around Heechul's feet and then gives Siwon a rather dirty cat-look, like he understands that Siwon was the one making all the noise.
on the other hand, far more had barely any word count at all, and they are never, ever going to be finished because the plot line isn't there anymore, or I've lost the momentum, or I can't remember WHAT THE FUCK IT WAS ABOUT (yeah, you'll see), and so it makes no sense to have them there laughing at me. I dislike deleting things (since it seems like the end of something), so instead I'm just going to post them all here and have a little unfinished fic dump :| this is part 1 of idek how many.
1. this is probably the longest thing that I'm going to dump. I started this about a year ago, while watching War of the Worlds :| It was my alien!au, and it was stupid and made no sense. I was going to finish it at some point but I wrote some more to it that go lost through the system and now it's just sitting at the bottom of my gdocs page laughing at me.
Super Junior: banfic, alien!au, 1,320 words
Kibum taps a couple of keys with one arm, takes a sip of that thing that they call Coca-Cola on Earth with his second arm, adjusts on of the screens with his third and then leans over and taps Kyuhyun with his fourth. Kyuhyun looks up from the monitor he is studying and looks at Kibum in confusion. "I have a question," says Kibum. "Fairly important, in the grand scheme of things. Where the fuck are we?"
Kyuhyun frowns at him. "Delta 63," he says.
"That doesn't exist," says Kibum. "All the monitors says Delta 63, but that doesn't exist."
"What do you mean, it doesn't exist?" asks Kyuhyun, looking at him like he's insane. "Didn't you do basic universal geography at school?"
"Passed top of my class," says Kibum. "I'm telling you. 647-Delta 63 does not exist."
"Of course it does!" says Kyuhyun. "If the monitors say that we're in 647-Delta 63, we're in 647-Delta 63!"
"Well the monitors are wrong," insists Kibum.
"I invented the monitors," shouts Kyuhyun. "There is no way that they could be wrong!"
"Look!" says Kibum, and he gets down onto his knees and looks in the cupboard underneath the control board and pulls out a phone book that is only a couple of years old. He flicks through it - comes to 647-Delta 61 - flicks to the next page, 650-Delta 64 - and then turns triumphantly to Kyuhyun. "See? Doesn't exist."
"I'm not trusting that phone book over my own technology," says Kyuhyun, and flips him off with three of his arms. "Why would the monitors be telling us that we're somewhere that we're not."
"Well, I have no idea," says Kibum. "But I'm telling you, we're not in Delta 63."
"Oh, for the love of--" Kyuhyun reaches forward and presses a button and the black shutter on the front of the craft begins to lift - they never have any need to actually look out, not when they have 360 degree vision with the monitors - and he says; "The monitors are telling us that Delta 63 should be a planet with black clouds covering half of the surface, so if it's--" He stops. Turns to Kibum. "What the fuck." he says flatly.
The planet that they can see through the front screen is Okaywecan, a planet that has almost permanent nice weather; any who come from there seem to have constant sunny dispositions. Unfortunately, they have two on board at that moment, and both Kyuhyun and Kibum know exactly which one has tripped their monitors. There is a pause, and then Kibum is half-running, half-stumbling from the room, yelling; "LEE DONGHAE!"
---
Hankyung will always, always, always be amused beyond belief whenever he watches Heechul get dressed. Admittedly, Hankyung has never met any other person from Heechul's home planet, but it's pretty much in the name. As a general rule, people from Prettyprincess are not known for their ability to objectively look at clothes or make-up or hair products, and are even less likely to do anything that might misplace a single hair on their head.
So each morning, Heechul spends half an Earth hour in the shower; another Earth hour drying and styling his hair; two hours choosing what to wear that day, and then throws it on within five minutes and manages to look perfect each time. Most of the time Hankyung is just glad Heechul is not an actual girl from that planet, because he's heard that they spend an extra three hours on make-up. As it is, Heechul never makes it out of his room before midday in whatever solar system they might be visiting that day. It's likely that this is also his excuse for never getting any work before 3pm.
Heechul saunters out of the shower, rubbing at his hair with a towel; it's bright red that day, almost astonishing, but then that is exactly the look Heechul was going for. He always goes for astonishing. On the counter in the bathroom is a large cluster of hair dyes, and Heechul tends to pick a different one each morning, until he runs out and then he steals one of the shuttles and goes down to the nearest planet and buys some more. Usually the whole operation is held up, and Eeteuk is forced to do serious damage control because of the amount of life forms who were previously unaware of alien life form suddenly become very aware when Heechul lands a space-craft in the middle of a busy street and clambers out screaming at the piece of junk for ruining his hair.
Hankyung and Siwon have a different bet each day before Heechul goes into the shower, on what colour his hair will be before he comes out. Today, neither was correct, and so the money rolls over to tomorrow. "Blonde," says Hankyung leisurely, as Heechul pulls open his wardrobe.
Siwon peers back at Heechul and then says, decidedly; "Black."
Actually it will be neither - Heechul always chooses something other than what they have decided. By the last estimate, there is now one million Earth dollars in the pool. Neither Siwon or Hankyung are going to do anything to annoy Heechul and make him choose one over the other, not with that much money in the running.
"If you're quite finished," says Heechul, without taking his eyes off the clothes in front of him.
"It's lucky your hair takes dye that easily," says Hankyung.
"And that it never falls out," says Siwon. "Hyung, you would look so bad bald."
Heechul throws a nearby book at Siwon's head. Siwon dodges it neatly - one of the advantages of having eyes (literally) in the back of his head. "Shut up," says Heechul, flicking his hair over his shoulder. "Everything looks good on me."
"Of course it does," says Hankyung.
"I'm not going blonde," says Heechul. "So don't try that."
"Fuck," says Hankyung, and Siwon mimes throwing up at him and Heechul throws another book at him.
"I'm going to get rid of that stack of books," grumbles Siwon.
---
Donghae thinks that Okaywecan is the greatest place in any solar system in any universe. There are bright blue seas and lush green grass and perfect white beaches, and the sun shines all the time. The only place even similar to it is certain places on Earth, but at least Okaywecan doesn't have humans. There is always something to do on Okaywecan, and he was dancing in a bar when Kibum manages to locate him.
So he moans a lot when Kibum makes him come back onto the ship.
"I wasn't hurting anyone!" he protests, feeling a little too much like a kid getting wrong off a parent.
"We're supposed to be on our way to Beta 16," says Kibum, arms folded and foot tapping impatiently on the floor of the holo-lift. "The order from Eeteuk just came through. But we can't go, because first we had to track you down."
"I just wanted some fun," grumbles Donghae.
"And you managed to trip the monitors," says Kibum. "Kyuhyun is absolutely foaming. I'd avoid him, if I were you."
"I don't know why," says Donghae, scuffing his shoe on the floor. "This way he gets to fiddle around with them again and he always loves doing that."
"That's not the point," says Kibum, and surely this should be the other way around, because Kibum is younger than Donghae and it's just weird that he has to act like his father or something every other week. Next time, he's going to send someone else on pick-up duty. Possibly Heechul, because getting bitched at by Heechul for making him have to do something that is not in his job description could possibly put Donghae off doing things like this for life.
"Then what is the point?" asks Donghae, and he seems honestly
2. I think this was inspired by this gif and a conversation with crazychickencow, as most of these things are going to be :| Basically we thought it would be funny if Sungmin (and by extension, Zhou Mi) shipped Hanchul and went around trying to set them up, and writing fanfic and leaving it around for them to get ideas from, and stuff like that -- only it turns out that Hanchul already are having sex and no one has realised.
Super Junior: Kyuhyun/Zhou Mi/Sungmin, Hankyung/Heechul, 310 words
Zhou Mi squeals and claps his hands over his mouth in shock, which, of course, attracts the attention of Sungmin, who is super finely tuned to anything that could be vaguely scandalous/entertaining/hilarious, and so he is all over Zhou Mi within seconds.
"What?" he asks, bouncing around and trying to look over Zhou Mi's shoulder at his computer screen. Zhou Mi obediantly leans back to let Sungmin look at what he has found. There is a long pause, and then Sungmin squeals.
Kyuhyun wonders where he put his painkillers. The heavy duty ones. The ones he took while in hospital.
"Is that -- Heechul? And Hankyung?" Sungmin sounds completely hysterical, which is enough to make Kyuhyun groan and bury his head under the quilt cover. "Are they -- kissing?"
That's enough to make Kyuhyun take notice, and he sits up, pushing his hair from his face, to find that was is on the screen is an animated image of two guys kissing; two guys who do, actually, look a lot like Heechul and Hankyung. He blinks and shakes his head; no, it's still them.
"I don't think it is," says Zhou Mi doubtfully. "I think it's some people who look like Heechul and Hankyung."
"Well," says Sungmin, visibily deflated. "That sucks."
Kyuhyun sighs and stands up, stretching. "Hyung," he says. "It couldn't possibly be Heechul-hyung and Hankyung-hyung, they're not in a relationship, are they?"
"Oh, but Kyuhyunnie!" Sungmin is pouting, and that never bodes well for Kyuhyun. "Maybe they should be."
"Oooh," says Zhou Mi, excited.
"I want no part in this," announces Kyuhyun, before he can get dragged under like that time when Sungmin and Zhou Mi decided that the concept for the week was shiny things, and enlisted Kyuhyun to convince Eeteuk that it was a Good Idea (it wasn't).
3. UHHHH okay the context for this is a conversation with tokyolights about how the word "therapist" can be split into "the rapist" and how Donghae would totally pronounce it like that and be all "I don't want to see the rapist, hyung!" and he'd get Hankyung into trouble.
Super Junior: bandfic, 142 words
They're all watching television about two days after Super Junior M returns from China, and there's a hospital on the screen because they're watching some drama that Kyuhyun likes and suddenly Donghae says, "I saw the rapist in China."
There is a long pause.
"Wait, what?" Eunhyuk frowns at him. Donghae frowns back.
"I saw the rapist in China," he repeats.
Everyone turns to Hankyung, who furrows his brow in a confused way that no one is falling for. "I don't understand," he says with a shrug. Heechul snorts in a way that is supposed to suggest no one is falling for that, by the way, and hits him on the head.
"You are so dead," he says.
"No, Donghae," says Hankyung. "You didn't see a rapist, you saw a--"
"WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN DOING IN CHINA?" shrieks Eeteuk all of a sudden.
4. this was inspired by a rl conversation in which a couple of my friends bitched about how chocolate condoms don't taste like chocolate, and how the bananas ones are disgusting, and I sat there going "....why is this my life oh my god."
Super Junior: Hankyung/Heechul, Kyuhyun/Sungmin, 365 words
Heechul sat on the sofa, legs curled up beneath him, looking thoughtfully at the cup of hot chocolate in his hands. As everyone around him laughed at something on the television, he suddenly looked up and announced; "Chocolate condoms do not taste like this."
Eeteuk spat his soda out; Kyuhyun choked on a piece of cookie that he'd just eaten; Shindong appeared to stop breathing for a couple of minutes, he went so red; Sungmin looked interested; and Donghae looked confused.
"What," gasped Eeteuk, holding his throat. "What do you mean?"
"Exactly what I said," said Heechul. "Chocolate condoms do not taste anything like hot chocolate. They don't even taste like chocolate, they're disgusting."
"I've never tried the chocolate ones," said Sungmin thoughtfully. "I've tried the banana ones."
"Oh my god," said Heechul. "They are so fucking disgusting. I actually wanted to throw up."
"Do you have to talk about this in the living room," said Eeteuk, hoarse through disbelief and choking. Kyuhyun looked like he just wanted to disappear. Eeteuk was, after all, still in denial that his youngest member had a sex life, especially one that involved flavoured condoms.
"Go somewhere else if you don't want to hear it," said Heechul. Shindong immediately stood up and left the room. Heechul made a gesture at his back that indicated both displeasure and faggotry, before he turned back to Sungmin. "I only say this," he said, "because I tried the chocolate ones out last night, and they don't taste a thing like chocolate. Well, they do, but they're like really cheap chocolate biscuits, so it doesn't really count."
"Where is Hankyung?" asked Eeteuk shrilly, sounding on the verge of tears. "Why isn't he here to stop you?"
"Kyungie's gone out somewhere," said Heechul. "If he comes back with chocolate condoms, however, the man is sleeping on the floor tonight."
"Don't you think condoms are really disgusting anyway?" Sungmin casually reaches down and plucks a cookie from the plate beside Kyuhyun -- Kyuhyun, who has his head in his arms. Donghae still looks confused. "They feel awful."
"Slimy," agreed Heechul. "Like a latex glove." Eeteuk moaned in horror. Heechul sent him an amused look.
5. this was something crazychickencow and I were talking about, the idea that Heechul kissing everyone on stage was somehow part of a plan to get Hankyung to notice him and get his attention, but when that didn't work he tries everything he can and Hankyung is just BLIND, and like, Sungmin says it's because Heechul's hair is too girly so he gets it all chopped off. It was going to be an attempt at explaining rl things through the eyes of Heechul trying to seduce Hankyung. It was also very, very stupid.
Super Junior: Hankyung/Heechul, 895 words
Heechul rages around the room like someone had just broken his favourite handheld mirror, but Sungmin watches the whole thing with something approaching apathy. "Clearly you just aren't going about it the right way," he says. The glare that Heechul sends in his direction is nothing short of heartstopping, or, at least, it would be to anyone else but Sungmin counters it with some innocent blinking.
"What other possible way could I go?" demands Heechul. "I have tried everything."
And the sad thing is, he actually has tried everything short of a flashing neon sign that says IF WE COULD HAVE LOTS OF SEX, THAT'D BE PRETTY GREAT, and the only reason he hasn't tried that is because neon signs are strangely expensive.
"I have tried leather," says Heechul, counting them off on his fingers. "I have tried that stupid love letter idea, I have tried giving him a lap dance. Nothing works!"
Sungmin considers this. "Have you tried cross dressing?"
"Yes," says Heechul promptly. "The fucking man is blind."
"Maybe it's something about China," says Sungmin. "Maybe our ways of seduction just aren't the same here."
"What can be so hard to see?" asks Heechul. "You know as well as I do, Subtle is not my middle name."
Subtle may not be his middle name, but he has always thought that his parents should have named him Irresistable, because he just kind of fucking is - or, at least, he is to most people, most normal people, people who aren't fucking blind and he is naming no names but he totally means Hankyung who is just pissing him off right now.
"Where am I going wrong?" he whines, throwing himself into a nearby chair. Sungmin purses his lips and tips his head to the side. Then he grins in a way that makes Heechul sit up in expectation.
"I have an idea," says Sungmin slowly.
Jungmo is strangely eager to help out, so eager that Heechul looks at him carefully for a moment or two before he remembers that oh yeah, he's irresistable. It slipped his mind for a minute. He punches Jungmo in the shoulder and tries to hope that Jungmo doesn't hold onto these feelings for too long, but he can't quite manage it because it's a nice boost to his ego.
(His ego which was slightly deflated by Hankyung appearing to not even notice him walking around the dorm in just a towel.)
Kissing Jungmo's only effect is making Jungmo gain a full blown crush on him, and Hankyung doesn't even notice anyway, because he isn't watching the first time, and when Heechul does it the second time (at great risk to himself, he might add, because he thinks Jungmo might be stalking him now), he knows Hankyung sees but Hankyung doesn't say anything about it. In fact, the only thing he does say to Heechul is; "Do you want me to make some rice for dinner tonight?"
"There's nothing else for it," says Heechul firmly. "Sungmin, you're going to have to kiss me."
Sungmin is used to hearing a lot of things come out of Heechul's mouth but that is simply bizarre. "What?" he asks, twisting his mouth.
"Look," says Heechul. "Nothing else is working, he clearly doesn't see Jungmo as a threat because he's not part of the same band."
"Well, I don't know what I have to do with any of it," says Sungmin, folding his arms and huffing.
"Because you're part of the same band, and you're a kindred spirit," says Heechul. "He'd have to pay attention to me then."
"Hankyung already pays attention to you," says Sungmin. "Hyung, he, like, stalks you or something, I don't even know."
Heechul pauses at that. "What do you mean?" he asks. "Is that where my shirts are going? Am I going to - okay, ew."
"No," says Sungmin, exasperated. "I don't know where your shirts are going, but I don't think Hankyung-hyung is stealing them. What I mean is that he's always watching you on stage, and following you around."
"Which means that this is going to work!" Heechul smirks at Sungmin triumphantly. "What, are you too much of a fag to kiss me?"
Sungmin sucks in an angry breath, offended. "Screw you, hyung!" he says. "I'll kiss you, but I won't enjoy it."
"Lies," says Heechul, with a casual wave of the hand. "Lies and slander."
What freaks the two out is that actually, they both enjoy the kiss a little bit more than is strictly necessary. They sort of stare at each other for a long moment after they come off stage, before nodding their heads nervously and Sungmin grabs hold of Kyuhyun and talks to him in a nervous babble. Kyuhyun stares at him. "Are you alright, hyung?" he asks.
"Yes," says Sungmin, and just sort of clutches at him. Kyuhyun looks at him with considerable concern, but then Eeteuk is there and yelling at them and after that Sungmin and Heechul just decide that it was a fun thing to do and they should try it again sometime. They do, but it's more to piss Eeteuk off than anything to do with Hankyung. Hankyung who still hasn't noticed.
"What will it take?" Heechul is really quite desperate now. "What, do I have to kill myself or something before he notices that I exist?"
6. this started off as me just explaining why I would totally watch a tv show in which SJ were made to sit in a room and play with a bunch of children's toys. It then became "5 TV shows pitched to Super Junior", but I never got past 2, orz. also this fic is the birth place of my favourite word: hankyuffs.
Super Junior: bandfic, 811 words
1
"This is so stupid," says Heechul when the door clicks shut after them, and they are locked in the room. He sulks in the corner of the room, and his attempts at being quietly annoyed inevitably mean that he spreads himself out and tries to sleep. Kangin stands on his hand, and is on the other side of the room before Heechul even opens his eyes to glare.
"It's not that stupid," says Eeteuk doubtfully. He looks around the room; it's a blank room, with blank walls and blank floor and -- full of children's toys. He blinks; it is still the strangest thing he has ever seen in his life.
Kyuhyun gingerly steps over a Scrabble set. "Even you could not find the good in this situation, hyung," he says, as even Sungmin looks at a pink stuffed rabbit like it is a bomb that is about to explode in his face. "There is no good in this situation."
"Quiet!" hisses Eeteuk, with a cautious look around. "They'll hear you!"
"WHOEVER CAME UP WITH THIS IS STUPID!" shouts Donghae. The sound echoes around the room. There is no reply. Suddenly they all feel very confused, very lost, and very, very abandoned.
"They left us to die with just Monopoly as witness," says Ryeowook sadly. It is one of the most ridiculous things anyone has ever said, and yet they all agree with him.
"They won't have left us to die," says Eeteuk - he has never sounded more unsure in his entire life. "I mean, why would they? We - we're important. We have rights!"
"This was your idea!" says Kangin loudly. "You're the one who agreed to this television show without even asking what it would be about!"
"Well, I didn't think they'd lock us in a room with children's toys and tell us to just play with them, did I?" retorts Eeteuk indignantly. "I mean - I think what we should do is - Henry, what are you doing?"
Henry looks up from the floor, where he has picked up a Rubik's Cube and is fiddling with it. "Um," he says, blushing. "I like them?"
Eeteuk frowns; opens his mouth; closes it again. He can't think of anything to say. Ryeowook kneels down in front of Henry and watches him try to work the puzzle out with interest. Eeteuk opens his mouth again. No, still nothing.
"Siwon," says Heechul imperiously. "Come here." Siwon glances nervously at Hankyung and then goes over to the corner that Heechul has comandeered. Heechul motions for him to sit down, and then he proceedes to use him as a pillow. Siwon sighs heavily.
"Oh my god!" shrieks Zhou Mi. He has slowly made his way to the other side of the room, deciding that he would be pioneering where the others could not be, and has just looked into a chest. He makes an excited high pitched sound - Hankyung stops thinking that it was a dead body and Kyuhyun starts to wish they'd given him some painkillers before they'd locked them in there. "Dressing up clothes!"
Heechul sits bolt upright - his hand catches Siwon in the jaw, who then falls backward and hits his head off the wall. He groans and holds his head in his hands; Heechul just scowls at him. "Be a man," he tells him, and then flounces over to where Zhou Mi is standing. Hankyung sighs and then makes sure that Siwon doesn't have a concussion.
"Move," says Heechul, and Zhou Mi obediently steps out of the way. Heechul half-disappears into the chest, and returns triumphantly with a black cap, trunchen and a pair of handcuffs. He strides over to Hankyung and dangles them in front of his face. "Look!" he says. "Hankyuffs!"
"Oh my god," says Hankyung. Heechul grins at him. Eeteuk bursts into tears and started hammering at the door.
"Let me out!" he screams. "For the sake of my sanity, let me out!"
2
There is something about the whole situation that seems remarkably familiar. Eeteuk blinks at the idea sheet put down in front of them. "So we go on dates with them?" he asks.
"That's the plan," says the PD.
"And the women choose one of us for a full length date," says Eeteuk with a tone of what the fuck.
"Sounds good," says Kangin, who, after all, would be up for anything that involves girls. Eeteuk glares at him, and Kangin just shrugs nonchalantely.
"Doesn't this sound familiar?" asks Eeteuk. Blank stares all round.
"I don't want to do it," says Heechul. "Hankyung and Siwon aren't doing it either."
"But hyung," begins Siwon, but is soon interrupted.
"Please," says Heechul. "Siwon, if you went on that, you'd be picked every week. I have to protect my property somehow, you know."
"Doesn't this sound familiar?" Eeteuk repeats. He is ignored.
7. LASTLY THIS FIC IS PISSING ME OFF. I literally CANNOT remember what it was about. I remember writing the first two lines, but nothing else. I have no idea why Siwon's screaming, and I have no idea what was going to happen. It is odd and I wish it would stop teasing me.
Super Junior: ???, 194 words
"Kui Xian," says Zhou Mi very thoughfully. "Can you hear shouting?"
"You're in the Super Junior dorm," says Kyuhyun, distracted just a little by his handheld game and Zhou Mi's (actually innocent) hand on his thigh. "There is always shouting."
"That's Siyuan," says Zhou Mi triumphantly, and sure enough, one floor below, Siwon really was standing in the middle of the living room, screaming about something or another. Hankyung, who is practically fluent at Korean but has this thing called 'selective understanding', is staring at him with a puzzled look on his face, because he's not sure he wants to understand whatever Siwon is so traumitized by. Donghae is staring at Siwon like he's a partically riveting television show that will never be shown again. Shindong is peering around Siwon at the actual television. Eeteuk is thankfully out. And Heechul --
Storms out of his bedroom and screams even louder than Siwon. "Shut the fuck up," he hisses, when Siwon stops yelling and falls sheepishly silent. Heebum curls his way around Heechul's feet and then gives Siwon a rather dirty cat-look, like he understands that Siwon was the one making all the noise.