the magic of na-na
in the interest of potentially becoming an adopt-a-mom mentor, i share the story of my bee & her na-na.
so, when i had bub almost 6 years ago, i was the second in our group of friends to have a baby. the first friend wasn't successful in breastfeeding, and i hadn't given it much thought since no one around me had nursed successfully for any length of time... or at all. formula seemed like the logical step: have medicated birth in hospital, "try" to nurse, go home, shake that bottle of "the next best thing to nature" and go on about life. but i read & tried to learn as much as i could. i bought half a library of books about breastfeeding, pumping & being a working mom. apparently, i didn't get the right books & i had no idea the extent of the resources available to me.
so, bubba was born on a snowy december day, and we gave breastfeeding a go. it felt totally unnatural to me, but i figured that was to be expected. i do remember wishing, a LOT, that i had three arms... or more. then we went home & a nurse visited the next day. he was losing weight. we went to the pediatrician the next day for a weight check - he was down more. the doctor said to give it another couple of days. i nursed like it was my job, but had a nagging feeling something wasn't right. my milk came in because my boobs were like horrid boulders on my chest & i cried endlessly because of the pain. a few days later we went back to see a different pediatrician in the group - he told me, and i remember his exact words so clearly, "stop trying to breastfeed that baby. he's not gaining weight quickly enough - you're killing him. go to the store on your way home & buy him some formula so he can eat." i felt like a complete failure, and i sobbed the whole way home. my mom went to the store & bought formula. i wouldn't even mix it for him - i made her do it. he ate like a little pig & slept so soundly. i cried. a few days later, we saw a different ped (the one we still see to this day), and she encouraged me. "please, don't stop nursing... we'll make it work." i'd already checked out by then. he didn't want to, i didn't want to - i think we were both miserable.
i tried pumping for about 8 weeks solid, but my supply tanked & i quit. honestly, i wasn't all that sad at the time. i felt trapped by the pump. i loved my little boy, but i hated myself for failing him. i was one of "those moms" who didn't love their baby enough to make breastfeeding work.
about 4 years later, we got pregnant with bub's little sister, bee. i was petrified: would i love her as much as i loved him, what would labor be like (his was so fast & easy), would i be able to nurse her? during bub's toddler years, i found livejournal. i found an amazing community of moms who were like me! they co-slept, they treated their children little thinking beings - they breastfed! successfully! for a long time! i was in heaven.
when bee was born, now 17 months ago, i was armed with knowledge, seemingly limitless resources & i was determined. god help that girl if she didn't want to breastfeed because breastfeed she would! she was a natural from the start. minutes after she was born, she nursed with a look on her face like "oh yeah - i've been waiting 9 months for that! i'll just be here, on your boob, for the next forever." her latch was instantly (and always) perfect. she put on weight like whoa - it was magic.
but i was still anxious. i work full-time outside of the house, and my kids are in daycare most of the day. i had so much trouble pumping anything of substance for bubba, but i was able to pump 4oz, then 5oz & once a glorious 10oz in a sitting. i was more than keeping up with bee - i had a freezer stash! it was never huge, but it was mine! throughout our nursing relationship, i set mini-goals. my first goal was to make it longer than i made with bubba. we did it. my next goal was to make it to six months. we made it. i anxiously decided to see if we could make it to 12 months. oh yeah, we made it. now i'm just trying to see how long we can go, and she doesn't show signs of stopping at 17 months. i haven't pumped in about 8 months, but we find time to reconnect for "na-na" every day.
i am so grateful for the support that i've gotten from my friends, family & livejournal over the past years. there was a time when i never thought i'd be able to say i was nursing my toddler, but i'm so proud of myself. i've seen both sides of breastfeeding, and i now understand it's not the measure of a good mom, it doesn't make me better than a mom who choose or must use alternate feeding methods. it gives me perspective.
i ignore a lot of "advice" now. i'm okay with her still not sleeping through the night, i'm okay with her still nursing for comfort and i'm okay with her being able to "ask" to nurse. the days where she wants to slow down & reconnect with me like this are likely quickly coming to an end. the world around her is much more interesting than slowing down to nurse, and, although i never thought i'd feel this way, i'll probably be sad when she decides to stop nursing.
so, when i had bub almost 6 years ago, i was the second in our group of friends to have a baby. the first friend wasn't successful in breastfeeding, and i hadn't given it much thought since no one around me had nursed successfully for any length of time... or at all. formula seemed like the logical step: have medicated birth in hospital, "try" to nurse, go home, shake that bottle of "the next best thing to nature" and go on about life. but i read & tried to learn as much as i could. i bought half a library of books about breastfeeding, pumping & being a working mom. apparently, i didn't get the right books & i had no idea the extent of the resources available to me.
so, bubba was born on a snowy december day, and we gave breastfeeding a go. it felt totally unnatural to me, but i figured that was to be expected. i do remember wishing, a LOT, that i had three arms... or more. then we went home & a nurse visited the next day. he was losing weight. we went to the pediatrician the next day for a weight check - he was down more. the doctor said to give it another couple of days. i nursed like it was my job, but had a nagging feeling something wasn't right. my milk came in because my boobs were like horrid boulders on my chest & i cried endlessly because of the pain. a few days later we went back to see a different pediatrician in the group - he told me, and i remember his exact words so clearly, "stop trying to breastfeed that baby. he's not gaining weight quickly enough - you're killing him. go to the store on your way home & buy him some formula so he can eat." i felt like a complete failure, and i sobbed the whole way home. my mom went to the store & bought formula. i wouldn't even mix it for him - i made her do it. he ate like a little pig & slept so soundly. i cried. a few days later, we saw a different ped (the one we still see to this day), and she encouraged me. "please, don't stop nursing... we'll make it work." i'd already checked out by then. he didn't want to, i didn't want to - i think we were both miserable.
i tried pumping for about 8 weeks solid, but my supply tanked & i quit. honestly, i wasn't all that sad at the time. i felt trapped by the pump. i loved my little boy, but i hated myself for failing him. i was one of "those moms" who didn't love their baby enough to make breastfeeding work.
about 4 years later, we got pregnant with bub's little sister, bee. i was petrified: would i love her as much as i loved him, what would labor be like (his was so fast & easy), would i be able to nurse her? during bub's toddler years, i found livejournal. i found an amazing community of moms who were like me! they co-slept, they treated their children little thinking beings - they breastfed! successfully! for a long time! i was in heaven.
when bee was born, now 17 months ago, i was armed with knowledge, seemingly limitless resources & i was determined. god help that girl if she didn't want to breastfeed because breastfeed she would! she was a natural from the start. minutes after she was born, she nursed with a look on her face like "oh yeah - i've been waiting 9 months for that! i'll just be here, on your boob, for the next forever." her latch was instantly (and always) perfect. she put on weight like whoa - it was magic.
but i was still anxious. i work full-time outside of the house, and my kids are in daycare most of the day. i had so much trouble pumping anything of substance for bubba, but i was able to pump 4oz, then 5oz & once a glorious 10oz in a sitting. i was more than keeping up with bee - i had a freezer stash! it was never huge, but it was mine! throughout our nursing relationship, i set mini-goals. my first goal was to make it longer than i made with bubba. we did it. my next goal was to make it to six months. we made it. i anxiously decided to see if we could make it to 12 months. oh yeah, we made it. now i'm just trying to see how long we can go, and she doesn't show signs of stopping at 17 months. i haven't pumped in about 8 months, but we find time to reconnect for "na-na" every day.
i am so grateful for the support that i've gotten from my friends, family & livejournal over the past years. there was a time when i never thought i'd be able to say i was nursing my toddler, but i'm so proud of myself. i've seen both sides of breastfeeding, and i now understand it's not the measure of a good mom, it doesn't make me better than a mom who choose or must use alternate feeding methods. it gives me perspective.
i ignore a lot of "advice" now. i'm okay with her still not sleeping through the night, i'm okay with her still nursing for comfort and i'm okay with her being able to "ask" to nurse. the days where she wants to slow down & reconnect with me like this are likely quickly coming to an end. the world around her is much more interesting than slowing down to nurse, and, although i never thought i'd feel this way, i'll probably be sad when she decides to stop nursing.