[Fanfiction] Thin Ice
Title: Thin Ice
Warnings: angst
Rating: R
Fandom: Moonchild
Characters: Sho, Kei
Disclaimer: Moonchild does not belong to, nor do its characters or anything else related to the movie. I make no profit out of this story, it is written merely for fun and entertainment of other fans. Yadda yadda.
Summary: A small body crumbling under the weight of its dark soul. And still Sho can't let him go.
Thin Ice
~*~
It doesn’t happen all that often. Maybe three or four times a year, and even that is not a certain number. There is no certainty to it and no regularity. The possibility always hovers in the air like the sword of Damocles, only the hair of a horse keeping reality from crashing down with dangerous momentum. One can pretend not to notice it, but it's still there.
Pretension is a precious, hollow ice sculpture that draws the eye and gleams in the dim light in such a way that the casual observer will only see cold perfection. Should one be forced to look closer, one would notice the tiny fractures running all over the surface. Precious, but broken. Beautiful, but unable to hide the imperfection under close scrutiny. Sometimes the light changes and makes the cracks stand out. Sometimes pretension is just not strong enough to mask reality.
For Sho the precious horse hair snaps with the sound of a shower a few stray hours before nightfall. The sound fills his cold sculpture of pretension with the black liquid of a reality he'd rather not see. It seeps through the cracks, spills and shatters any notion of things being ‘perfectly fine’.
Sho is up and at the door within the span of three heartbeats. His pulse has stopped racing whenever this happens a few years ago as the boy aged into a young man and realized that there was no need to fear. Just a need to act.
While usually he is a rather heavy sleeper, this sound would wake him from the dead. It hasn't always been that way.
~*~
There were sounds that faded away if they just kept going on, sounds drifting to the back of Sho’s young mind as he slipped into the realm of dreams. There were sounds that started when he was dreaming and didn’t stop, slowly pulling him into the waking world because part of him knew that they should have stopped long ago and urged him to make sure everything was alright. The subconscious of a street urchin could be a fascinating place full of instincts and reflexes.
Sho rubbed his eyes and looked around for Kei. He had already started adapting to the vampire’s sleeping habits somewhat so that he could spend as much time as possible with his guardian and best friend in the world - a notion which Toshi had been furious about at first until he, too, had to admit that the best friend certainly was the friend with superpowers. It was just cool beyond words.
Tonight, though, Kei didn’t seem to be around. Alarmed, young Sho jumped to his feet, his heartbeat mad and wild in his small chest as he tried to find the blonde. Daylight and meagre shadows painted odd patterns throughout the apartment, golden and black and almost but not quite substantial enough to touch. Kei had found this place for them in a rundown building where some of the walls had already partly given in, but at least they had electricity that occasionally worked and water that was occasionally decently clean around here.
“Kei?” he called out, a slight tremble in his voice.
The vampire had seemed more distant than usual these last couple of days. Toshi and Shinji didn’t even notice, for the change was too slight, but Sho had picked it up. It was just that Kei pulled away from physical contact a split second earlier than usual and his eyes were just a slightly different shade of green; somehow harder and colder. He had noticed, and ever since he was worried that the vampire would leave again, that the past few months of having this special friend were just the fragile bubble of a dream, bursting in a split second and leaving nothing behind but memories that felt almost real.
It was then that he heard the shower over the thundering of his own heart. Instead of being relieved, he felt more dread creep into his too tight chest, squeezing his heart and forcing him into urgent motion. He didn’t think twice about yanking the door open and then stopped right dead at the sight that greeted him.
~*~
The vampire is huddled in the far corner of the shower stall, pressed against glistening tiles. Sho guards his expression as he crouches in front of the vampire. Kei is naked and he himself is dressed in nothing but his underwear, but it's alright. Over the years, they've learned quickly that the number of times two guys can accidentally run into each other naked is surprisingly high and that it really is no cause for embarrassment. It's not something they seek to do, except when they need to shower together to save water, but it's also not a situation they avoid at all costs. They are both men, brothers, friends, and while Sho has to admit that for a time Kei's ethereal beauty has him and his hormones curious from time to time, seeing him naked here and now is certainly another matter altogether.
The pale skin is nearly translucent and the blue veins filled with still, cold blood shine through more than usual. Everything about the vampire seems shrunken, as though the small body has crumbled under the weight of its dark soul. As though everything that holds him together has seeped through the cracks and spilt, leaving him too weak to carry himself. The water beating down on Kei is scorching, but still the vampire shivers violently. Sho reaches into the spray without hesitation anyway and shuts it off. By now he knows that this won’t keep Kei warm tonight. As the water’s sting disappears, the unnatural steel blue eyes of the beast rise and Kei focuses on him for a moment. A broken doll, discarded and empty, lost in the chill of its own lifeless soul. Sho crouches down and reaches out, offering his hand. There is a moment of utter stillness in the bathroom before Kei leans forwards.
Wet blond strands stick to the human’s skin as he waits patiently for the vampire to pick up the scent. This act always breaks his heart and shames him, for he can see that part of Kei which the vampire fights so hard to keep hidden; the part that is nothing more than a caged animal.
~*~
Steam curled around Sho, invisible hands reaching for him in the attempt to snatch him out of the world he knows and into a completely different one. Kei looked positively tiny and fragile. Sho had never seen the vampire naked and curled in on himself like that. He looked smaller than Sho himself, though that was impossible. Maybe it was the hair. Long and clinging to his skin; a thin veil attempting to ward off everything that threatened to break him. In the eyes of a twelve year old, seeing the supposedly strong vampire like this was both hauntingly beautiful and terrifying. It was like seeing the graceful arc a spray of blood could cut through the air when you watched one thug cut another thug’s throat; sickening and fascinating.
Ever so slowly Sho stepped closer, frightened and intrigued but unable to just stand still. Over the hissing water he could hear chattering teeth and panting breaths interlaced with faintest whimpering and mewling. For a second or two Sho still couldn’t tear his eyes away, transfixed by seeing Kei in such a state with the skin seeming to be stretched taut over bones with nothing in between, though it was probably just a trick of the poor light.
Eyes that couldn’t be Kei’s focused on him and Sho froze in sheer terror.
He knew these eyes inside out after the few months their paths in life had overlapped already. Moss green, always somewhat sad and tired, but tending to be filled with warmth on good days. The longer he couldn’t feed, the more this shade of green turned to cold yellow, and when anger sizzled in the vampire they became so dark they were nearly black and soulless. When something made him utterly proud and warm and enabled him to forget what he was, those eyes became tinged with brown so much that Sho thought he could see the man Kei must have been when he had been alive, all the more convinced that his guardian was not a monster.
Now the eyes that were more familiar than his own were eerily blue and wide. They were not the eyes of a human anymore.
Not a monster.
An animal.
By instinct alone Sho kept perfectly still as Kei reached out and fisted a hand in his clothes. In his mind he kept repeating that he was neither prey nor threat and hoped beyond hope that the vampire would hear his silent words. The hot water stung him and he whimpered as he was soaked, but Kei didn’t seem to be aware of it. He pulled Sho to him, mouth hanging open so the boy could see the bared fangs. Kei leaned in closer until his nose brushed against a soft cheek and inhaled. Ever so slowly he sniffed his way downwards, burying his face against a thin, tender neck for a chilling moment. No bite followed, however, even when Kei’s hands tightened to the point of pain.
Maybe it was the innocent trust of a child that had hung all his hope in the world upon this one person, maybe it was the purity of his heart, but Sho knew in that moment that Kei would not kill him. Slowly the tension ebbed out of him. He relaxed in Kei's cold, iron grip. How could he be so cold when the water was so incredibly hot?
Sho remembered the shivering. “It's alright” he whispered. “I'll help you warm up.” With that he reached up and placed his arms around Kei.
~*~
Sho has never come quite as close to death ever again in his young life. Dimly he can recall the way Kei growled, then hissed and then pushed. Pain, and then the next thing he remembers is waking up on the other side of the bathroom with Kei out cold in the shower stall, realizing with alarm that the vampire could just as easily have snapped his neck.
It doesn't matter, of course. He has since learned how to behave when Kei is like that. The most important part is not initiating contact. It has taken some time to figure out, but by now Sho knows that in this state his friend is simply a very frightened animal, hurting and seeking for a way out. The human is not supposed to initiate contact, though he can offer it. And so he has adapted to waiting until Kei comes crawling into his arms. On some instinctual level the vampire recognizes Sho very well and seeks comfort and warmth from him. When that happens, Sho knows he can wrap his arms around the slender being and hold him. God knows Kei needs it. It won't be long then before he falls asleep, body chilling and cheeks wet not only from the shower but from tears of a pain that is not physical.
The vampire will always sleep through the following night and day and Sho does his best to help him keep warm. He's fighting a losing battle, naturally, but he has to do it anyway. Knowing that Kei will always get worse before he gets better, that his temperature will drop even more before it rises just a fraction, Sho doesn't want to imagine how bad it must have been before someone was there to see the vampire through.
Through the night he keeps the sleeping vampire bundled up in several blankets. They have no heating in their apartment - anyone expecting chilly weather in Mallepa was quite obviously mad - but he has haggled an old heating pad from Toshi once for this purpose. He keeps it hidden from Kei and feels strangely ashamed of that action. Kei never remembers breaking down like this, and Sho wants to keep it that way. Maybe it's not exactly fair towards his friend, but he really doesn't want Kei to be burdened with this any more than necessary. So he keeps the secret and tries to be strong for Kei just this once.
~*~
The vampire whimpered softly, squirming as he tried to escape the cold that had taken over his body. Sho tightened small arms around the unconscious body, wincing at the pain in his cracked ribs. He was now aware that Kei could be very dangerous, but it didn't break his endless trust in the vampire's self control one bit.
“I'm here. Share my warmth, Kei. I won't ever let you go, I promise.”
This didn't count. This was not Kei, just an animal they would keep at bay together.
~*~
It's another ice sculpture threatening to shatter. As Sho curls around the unconscious form of his friend in order to see him through the coming night and day, he tries not to acknowledge the ugly truth.
These breakdowns, more than anything, prove that a vampire is not meant to walk the earth anymore but keeps walking with a stolen life. The chill of death is not something you escape easily, though, and so every once in a while it will catch up with Kei and pull his human soul under. It's Death's attempt to snatch back the life that it has been denied for countless years, the life that should have been given to him long ago.
One day, the human soul won't surface again.
In his sleep Kei rolls around and burrows closer into Sho's arms. The human rubs his back and whispers soothing words.
He will pretend that this is not something breaking them apart slowly but surely. The knowledge that Kei should by all means and all rules of the universe be truly dead haunts him as much as the thought that there is a frightened, hurt animal lurking beneath the human soul; an animal that will lash out if provoked and that can't be kept locked up forever.
As long as Sho can pretend not to notice this, he can also ignore the fact that these episodes are increasing in frequency as the vampire is pushed towards a breaking point where the beast will gain ultimate control. He should tell Kei. He should let Kei go. But he can't and he won't and he will regret it. Sho clings to him, his friend, his soulmate, ignoring all this in his desperate attempt to believe in there being another way to protect Kei from himself.
The ice is thin and the blade grows heavier with each passing day. Still Sho pretends not to see that Kei's death is the only solution.
And thus, he has doomed them both.
~*~
The End
Warnings: angst
Rating: R
Fandom: Moonchild
Characters: Sho, Kei
Disclaimer: Moonchild does not belong to, nor do its characters or anything else related to the movie. I make no profit out of this story, it is written merely for fun and entertainment of other fans. Yadda yadda.
Summary: A small body crumbling under the weight of its dark soul. And still Sho can't let him go.
Thin Ice
~*~
It doesn’t happen all that often. Maybe three or four times a year, and even that is not a certain number. There is no certainty to it and no regularity. The possibility always hovers in the air like the sword of Damocles, only the hair of a horse keeping reality from crashing down with dangerous momentum. One can pretend not to notice it, but it's still there.
Pretension is a precious, hollow ice sculpture that draws the eye and gleams in the dim light in such a way that the casual observer will only see cold perfection. Should one be forced to look closer, one would notice the tiny fractures running all over the surface. Precious, but broken. Beautiful, but unable to hide the imperfection under close scrutiny. Sometimes the light changes and makes the cracks stand out. Sometimes pretension is just not strong enough to mask reality.
For Sho the precious horse hair snaps with the sound of a shower a few stray hours before nightfall. The sound fills his cold sculpture of pretension with the black liquid of a reality he'd rather not see. It seeps through the cracks, spills and shatters any notion of things being ‘perfectly fine’.
Sho is up and at the door within the span of three heartbeats. His pulse has stopped racing whenever this happens a few years ago as the boy aged into a young man and realized that there was no need to fear. Just a need to act.
While usually he is a rather heavy sleeper, this sound would wake him from the dead. It hasn't always been that way.
~*~
There were sounds that faded away if they just kept going on, sounds drifting to the back of Sho’s young mind as he slipped into the realm of dreams. There were sounds that started when he was dreaming and didn’t stop, slowly pulling him into the waking world because part of him knew that they should have stopped long ago and urged him to make sure everything was alright. The subconscious of a street urchin could be a fascinating place full of instincts and reflexes.
Sho rubbed his eyes and looked around for Kei. He had already started adapting to the vampire’s sleeping habits somewhat so that he could spend as much time as possible with his guardian and best friend in the world - a notion which Toshi had been furious about at first until he, too, had to admit that the best friend certainly was the friend with superpowers. It was just cool beyond words.
Tonight, though, Kei didn’t seem to be around. Alarmed, young Sho jumped to his feet, his heartbeat mad and wild in his small chest as he tried to find the blonde. Daylight and meagre shadows painted odd patterns throughout the apartment, golden and black and almost but not quite substantial enough to touch. Kei had found this place for them in a rundown building where some of the walls had already partly given in, but at least they had electricity that occasionally worked and water that was occasionally decently clean around here.
“Kei?” he called out, a slight tremble in his voice.
The vampire had seemed more distant than usual these last couple of days. Toshi and Shinji didn’t even notice, for the change was too slight, but Sho had picked it up. It was just that Kei pulled away from physical contact a split second earlier than usual and his eyes were just a slightly different shade of green; somehow harder and colder. He had noticed, and ever since he was worried that the vampire would leave again, that the past few months of having this special friend were just the fragile bubble of a dream, bursting in a split second and leaving nothing behind but memories that felt almost real.
It was then that he heard the shower over the thundering of his own heart. Instead of being relieved, he felt more dread creep into his too tight chest, squeezing his heart and forcing him into urgent motion. He didn’t think twice about yanking the door open and then stopped right dead at the sight that greeted him.
~*~
The vampire is huddled in the far corner of the shower stall, pressed against glistening tiles. Sho guards his expression as he crouches in front of the vampire. Kei is naked and he himself is dressed in nothing but his underwear, but it's alright. Over the years, they've learned quickly that the number of times two guys can accidentally run into each other naked is surprisingly high and that it really is no cause for embarrassment. It's not something they seek to do, except when they need to shower together to save water, but it's also not a situation they avoid at all costs. They are both men, brothers, friends, and while Sho has to admit that for a time Kei's ethereal beauty has him and his hormones curious from time to time, seeing him naked here and now is certainly another matter altogether.
The pale skin is nearly translucent and the blue veins filled with still, cold blood shine through more than usual. Everything about the vampire seems shrunken, as though the small body has crumbled under the weight of its dark soul. As though everything that holds him together has seeped through the cracks and spilt, leaving him too weak to carry himself. The water beating down on Kei is scorching, but still the vampire shivers violently. Sho reaches into the spray without hesitation anyway and shuts it off. By now he knows that this won’t keep Kei warm tonight. As the water’s sting disappears, the unnatural steel blue eyes of the beast rise and Kei focuses on him for a moment. A broken doll, discarded and empty, lost in the chill of its own lifeless soul. Sho crouches down and reaches out, offering his hand. There is a moment of utter stillness in the bathroom before Kei leans forwards.
Wet blond strands stick to the human’s skin as he waits patiently for the vampire to pick up the scent. This act always breaks his heart and shames him, for he can see that part of Kei which the vampire fights so hard to keep hidden; the part that is nothing more than a caged animal.
~*~
Steam curled around Sho, invisible hands reaching for him in the attempt to snatch him out of the world he knows and into a completely different one. Kei looked positively tiny and fragile. Sho had never seen the vampire naked and curled in on himself like that. He looked smaller than Sho himself, though that was impossible. Maybe it was the hair. Long and clinging to his skin; a thin veil attempting to ward off everything that threatened to break him. In the eyes of a twelve year old, seeing the supposedly strong vampire like this was both hauntingly beautiful and terrifying. It was like seeing the graceful arc a spray of blood could cut through the air when you watched one thug cut another thug’s throat; sickening and fascinating.
Ever so slowly Sho stepped closer, frightened and intrigued but unable to just stand still. Over the hissing water he could hear chattering teeth and panting breaths interlaced with faintest whimpering and mewling. For a second or two Sho still couldn’t tear his eyes away, transfixed by seeing Kei in such a state with the skin seeming to be stretched taut over bones with nothing in between, though it was probably just a trick of the poor light.
Eyes that couldn’t be Kei’s focused on him and Sho froze in sheer terror.
He knew these eyes inside out after the few months their paths in life had overlapped already. Moss green, always somewhat sad and tired, but tending to be filled with warmth on good days. The longer he couldn’t feed, the more this shade of green turned to cold yellow, and when anger sizzled in the vampire they became so dark they were nearly black and soulless. When something made him utterly proud and warm and enabled him to forget what he was, those eyes became tinged with brown so much that Sho thought he could see the man Kei must have been when he had been alive, all the more convinced that his guardian was not a monster.
Now the eyes that were more familiar than his own were eerily blue and wide. They were not the eyes of a human anymore.
Not a monster.
An animal.
By instinct alone Sho kept perfectly still as Kei reached out and fisted a hand in his clothes. In his mind he kept repeating that he was neither prey nor threat and hoped beyond hope that the vampire would hear his silent words. The hot water stung him and he whimpered as he was soaked, but Kei didn’t seem to be aware of it. He pulled Sho to him, mouth hanging open so the boy could see the bared fangs. Kei leaned in closer until his nose brushed against a soft cheek and inhaled. Ever so slowly he sniffed his way downwards, burying his face against a thin, tender neck for a chilling moment. No bite followed, however, even when Kei’s hands tightened to the point of pain.
Maybe it was the innocent trust of a child that had hung all his hope in the world upon this one person, maybe it was the purity of his heart, but Sho knew in that moment that Kei would not kill him. Slowly the tension ebbed out of him. He relaxed in Kei's cold, iron grip. How could he be so cold when the water was so incredibly hot?
Sho remembered the shivering. “It's alright” he whispered. “I'll help you warm up.” With that he reached up and placed his arms around Kei.
~*~
Sho has never come quite as close to death ever again in his young life. Dimly he can recall the way Kei growled, then hissed and then pushed. Pain, and then the next thing he remembers is waking up on the other side of the bathroom with Kei out cold in the shower stall, realizing with alarm that the vampire could just as easily have snapped his neck.
It doesn't matter, of course. He has since learned how to behave when Kei is like that. The most important part is not initiating contact. It has taken some time to figure out, but by now Sho knows that in this state his friend is simply a very frightened animal, hurting and seeking for a way out. The human is not supposed to initiate contact, though he can offer it. And so he has adapted to waiting until Kei comes crawling into his arms. On some instinctual level the vampire recognizes Sho very well and seeks comfort and warmth from him. When that happens, Sho knows he can wrap his arms around the slender being and hold him. God knows Kei needs it. It won't be long then before he falls asleep, body chilling and cheeks wet not only from the shower but from tears of a pain that is not physical.
The vampire will always sleep through the following night and day and Sho does his best to help him keep warm. He's fighting a losing battle, naturally, but he has to do it anyway. Knowing that Kei will always get worse before he gets better, that his temperature will drop even more before it rises just a fraction, Sho doesn't want to imagine how bad it must have been before someone was there to see the vampire through.
Through the night he keeps the sleeping vampire bundled up in several blankets. They have no heating in their apartment - anyone expecting chilly weather in Mallepa was quite obviously mad - but he has haggled an old heating pad from Toshi once for this purpose. He keeps it hidden from Kei and feels strangely ashamed of that action. Kei never remembers breaking down like this, and Sho wants to keep it that way. Maybe it's not exactly fair towards his friend, but he really doesn't want Kei to be burdened with this any more than necessary. So he keeps the secret and tries to be strong for Kei just this once.
~*~
The vampire whimpered softly, squirming as he tried to escape the cold that had taken over his body. Sho tightened small arms around the unconscious body, wincing at the pain in his cracked ribs. He was now aware that Kei could be very dangerous, but it didn't break his endless trust in the vampire's self control one bit.
“I'm here. Share my warmth, Kei. I won't ever let you go, I promise.”
This didn't count. This was not Kei, just an animal they would keep at bay together.
~*~
It's another ice sculpture threatening to shatter. As Sho curls around the unconscious form of his friend in order to see him through the coming night and day, he tries not to acknowledge the ugly truth.
These breakdowns, more than anything, prove that a vampire is not meant to walk the earth anymore but keeps walking with a stolen life. The chill of death is not something you escape easily, though, and so every once in a while it will catch up with Kei and pull his human soul under. It's Death's attempt to snatch back the life that it has been denied for countless years, the life that should have been given to him long ago.
One day, the human soul won't surface again.
In his sleep Kei rolls around and burrows closer into Sho's arms. The human rubs his back and whispers soothing words.
He will pretend that this is not something breaking them apart slowly but surely. The knowledge that Kei should by all means and all rules of the universe be truly dead haunts him as much as the thought that there is a frightened, hurt animal lurking beneath the human soul; an animal that will lash out if provoked and that can't be kept locked up forever.
As long as Sho can pretend not to notice this, he can also ignore the fact that these episodes are increasing in frequency as the vampire is pushed towards a breaking point where the beast will gain ultimate control. He should tell Kei. He should let Kei go. But he can't and he won't and he will regret it. Sho clings to him, his friend, his soulmate, ignoring all this in his desperate attempt to believe in there being another way to protect Kei from himself.
The ice is thin and the blade grows heavier with each passing day. Still Sho pretends not to see that Kei's death is the only solution.
And thus, he has doomed them both.
~*~
The End