Panic! At the Apartment
I'm pretty sure I had a panic attack tonight. I was sitting with Michele and Larry (35-year-old childless married teacher friends in LP) and I felt awful. I left and came back to my apartment where I proceeded to hyperventilate and cry a lot. I called my mom and told her what was going on after I had calmed down a little bit. She said that she goes through something similar every summer. She said that, as a teacher, you have this momentum propelling you through the school year. After a while, it feels like you're running on coffee and adrenaline alone. Then, all of a sudden, it stops. Stops like you hit a brick wall in a car going 80 mph. Then, you're bored and lonely and you feel like your life doesn't have any meaning any more because, when you're with those kids they all sit in their desks when the bell rings and look at you with their big eyes waiting for you to teach them something (not that they're EVER that attentive, but you get the idea...). When you're there in that moment with them every day, you feel like you're worth something.
When summer hits, you no longer have that feeling. Not only that, but you don't want to read or plan for school because you're so sick of school you could spit. It's a strange conundrum, really. You need school to thrive, yet you can't force yourself to work past that end date.
This is what my mom told me. She also told me it would be easier for me if I came home for a few weeks in June to ease myself into living alone for the summer. She said it would be good for me to be nearer to my friends for a little while, especially around my birthday, so I wouldn't feel so alone. I sort of agree, and I'm seriously thinking about it.
So, I went back to Michele and Larry's and ate Oreo ice cream (enough to make me want to puke... totally going to cost me an extra 30 minutes on the treadmill, but so wonderful and so worth it) and watched them get drunk. I feel much better about the whole thing, especially after talking to a few people. Michele and Larry said they go through the same thing (they're both teachers), and Deven said his mom does, too. I feel like I'll be OK. I'm really glad to be surrounded by awesome people. I may be lonely living alone, but I do have some great friends and family.
When summer hits, you no longer have that feeling. Not only that, but you don't want to read or plan for school because you're so sick of school you could spit. It's a strange conundrum, really. You need school to thrive, yet you can't force yourself to work past that end date.
This is what my mom told me. She also told me it would be easier for me if I came home for a few weeks in June to ease myself into living alone for the summer. She said it would be good for me to be nearer to my friends for a little while, especially around my birthday, so I wouldn't feel so alone. I sort of agree, and I'm seriously thinking about it.
So, I went back to Michele and Larry's and ate Oreo ice cream (enough to make me want to puke... totally going to cost me an extra 30 minutes on the treadmill, but so wonderful and so worth it) and watched them get drunk. I feel much better about the whole thing, especially after talking to a few people. Michele and Larry said they go through the same thing (they're both teachers), and Deven said his mom does, too. I feel like I'll be OK. I'm really glad to be surrounded by awesome people. I may be lonely living alone, but I do have some great friends and family.