Title: So Close - Version 2
Title: So Close (Version 2 for the sjfic_challenge)
Author: Ink_River10
Rating: PG13
Pairing: KangTeuk
Genre/Warnings: Angst
Disclaimer: I don’t own Super Junior. I just amuse myself with them in my head.
Summary: Leeteuk waits for Kangin, hoping this time it will be different.
A/N: Sorry my previous fic didn't meet the guidelines of a PG or PG13 fic, so I have revamped and re-written this to submit it now. If you are interested in reading the NC-17 version, click here.
This is inspired by Leeteuk’s recent emo “Fool” posts, by Sarah McLachlan’s song “Stupid” and by my account of SM Town 2010 L.A. concert - post here
Leeteuk sat on his bed, listening. The dorms were surprisingly quiet for 1am. They were usually up later than this, but he knew that they all had an early group call in the morning. The desire to stay up and hang out was outweighed by the knowledge that they’d have to look perfect in the morning.
He closed his eyes and concentrated. He knew that if he somehow were gifted with preternatural hearing, he would hear Kyuhyun tapping keys on his keyboard, playing Starcraft or banging out an irritated conversation with BoA about anti-fans and the recent nasty comments about their families. He would hear Ryeowook and Yesung lying in bed, whispering to each other. He would hear Sungmin, Shindong, and Donghae’s tiny snores. He would hear Eunhyuk’s extremely loud snores. He would hear the nearly indistinct sound of Heechul listening to music on his headphones.
He wouldn’t hear Hankyung. He had gone back to China, which is why Heechul wasn’t sleeping. He didn’t sleep much these days. Leeteuk sighed and tucked his knees against his chest. He also couldn’t hear Kangin. He couldn’t hear him because Kangin was out at the clubs again. Leeteuk swallowed, hating the feeling in his chest, hating the worry and the uncertainty. Kangin could walk through the door any second, laughing and tipsy, or stumble in drunk three hours from now and fall flat on his face.
When Kangin was drunk, he was….different. The normally calm, composed, somewhat reserved Kim Youngwoon became a ball of emotion, ranging from anger to giddiness and even occasionally a sobbing mess that Leeteuk could never seem to comfort.
He never knew what Kangin was going to do from one moment to the next when he was drunk. He wished that Kangin could be like this all the time - free with his affection and emotions instead of curled inward on himself like a porcupine. Leeteuk wished there was another way to release those emotions instead of alcohol. But there wasn’t.
So he waited, trying to prepare himself for whatever was going to happen.
He had almost drifted off to sleep when he heard the door open and close. He sat up in bed, feeling his heartbeat speed up. He concentrated, listening hard for any other sounds. He heard the click of the bathroom door, and the faint strains of water running in the sink. Leeteuk gripped the side of his bed, waiting. A voice in his head whispered that he should just lie back down, pretend he was asleep and that he didn’t care. But he simply couldn’t. He did care. When the door opened, he stood up.
“Teukie-hyung?” Kangin cocked his head and eyed him fuzzily. Leeteuk exhaled a breath he had been holding. “Why are you awake, Angel?”
“I just…” Leeteuk paused, smelling the alcohol and cigarette smell emanating from him. Underneath that there was the distinct scent of perfume, and it made his stomach clench painfully. “I was awake.” He said lamely, sitting down on the edge of his bed. Kangin turned and pulled his shirt over his head and kicked off his jeans. Leeteuk watched him, knowing he shouldn’t.
“God I’m drunk.” Kangin yawned, trying and failing to take off his watch. Out of pure instinct, Leeteuk stood and walked over, gently pulling Kangin’s hand towards his and unclasping the watch. Kangin’s eyebrows raised and he blinked hazily at him. Leeteuk found he couldn’t meet those eyes. He set the watch on the nightstand and stepped back.
“You should get some sleep. We have to be at the studio at 8am.” He said quietly.
“You should tuck me in.” Kangin said, falling over onto his bed. A little bag on their shared nightstand fell over and tiny round multicolored candy pieces skittered across the floor. Leeteuk immediately knelt down to pick them up. He couldn’t look at Kangin, lying half naked on his bed, looking fuzzy and drunk and desirable.
“You can tuck yourself in just fine without me.” Leeteuk answered. He poured the candy back into the bag and was about to turn around when Kangin grabbed him around the waist and pulled him onto the bed, sending the candy flying again and making Leeteuk yelp in surprise. He trapped Leeteuk on top of him with his arms and Leeteuk gaped at him in shock. “What are you doing?” He squirmed, both surprised at being flung on top of Kangin and a little bit alarmed about what his body would do if he stayed like this.
“I’m demanding you to tuck me in.” Kangin murmured. The smell of alcohol wafted upwards and Leeteuk shivered. He awkwardly shifted and braced his arms to either side of Kangin’s arms, then looked down at him.
So close…
“How am I supposed to tuck you in when you’re on top of the blankets?” Leeteuk exhaled, struggling to control himself. Kangin smiled a purely wicked smile and let go, lacing his fingers behind his back.
“I don’t know, that’s your problem, not mine.”
“You’re funny when you’re drunk.” Leeteuk puffed out a breath again and began to move off Kangin before his body could betray him.
“Yeah I’m totally hammered.” Kangin nodded, pulling Leeteuk back. “I won’t remember a thing in the morning.”
“It’s already morning.” Leeteuk panted a little again at having been pulled back against Kangin’s chest.
“You and your details.”
“Kangin…”
“You look pretty in your white pajamas. What is it with you and white?”
“What?” Leeteuk gaped at him.
“You look like a geeky, adorable girl.”
Leeteuk frowned down at Kangin. “I do not. And I’m not geeky.” He said defensively.
Kangin reached up and flicked the glasses off Leeteuk’s nose with one deft swipe. “Ah, that’s better. I can’t see you as well now.” Kangin grinned.
“My God you’re completely sloshed.” Leeteuk shook his head, reaching for his glasses. Kangin immediately yanked them out of his reach and Leeteuk gasped as Kangin’s legs parted unexpectedly, allowing him to slide down between them. Kangin’s hand quickly wrapped around his back and the glasses clattered to the floor. Leeteuk made an undignified squeak and tried to reposition himself, but Kangin’s arms were like lead.
“Umm…Youngwoon…” Leeteuk swallowed, blinking at him.
“Hmm?”
“You do realize that I’m lying on top of you, right?” He exhaled, trying desperately to regulate his breathing and make his body understand that this was not what it felt like.
“Yeah. You’re s’posed to tuck me in.” Kangin mumbled, sliding his hands up Leeteuk’s back and closing his eyes.
“You’re not making it easy.” Leeteuk grunted, trying and failing to pull the blanket and sheet up over Kangin’s body all while concentrating on not giving himself away.
“You could say please.” Kangin gave him a loopy smile even though his eyes were still closed.
“Oh please oh pretty please Kim Youngwoon will you let me tuck you in?” Leeteuk sing-songed sarcastically, even though he was enjoying this far more than he should. He curled his fingers into the sheets and tugged, but they wouldn’t budge under their combined weight.
Without warning, Kangin tightened his hold on Leeteuk and rolled them over so they were side by side, but he held on so that Leeteuk didn’t end up on the floor like the candy and his glasses. Leeteuk gripped the sheets and blankets and gasped as they rolled, effectively wrapping them up underneath the bedding. Leeteuk swore the slamming of his heart would give him away, but Kangin just slung one leg over Leeteuk’s and set his head on the pillow, looking for all the world like he would just fall asleep despite the fact that they were pressed together under the sheets. He looked blissfully calm and sleepy. Leeteuk stared at him, amazed at the total relaxed look on Kangin’s face.
“Kangin?”
“Mm?”
Leeteuk set his cheek on Kangin’s arm, watching his face. “What do you want, a bedtime story or goodnight kiss?” he asked, feeling stupid and afraid and wondering if he’d lost his mind. He swore his heart was going to slam out of his chest as he waited for the answer.
“You’re a terrible storyteller, hyung.” Kangin yawned again, sliding one arm under Leeteuk’s side.
Seconds ticked by and Leeteuk knew his chance was slipping away. He closed his eyes and leaned in, brushing his lips over Kangin’s. He knew he might already be asleep, but was pleasantly surprised when Kangin began kissing him back. He shifted his position and moved upwards, kissing him more. Kangin didn’t stop him, but instead slid his hands around Leeteuk’s waist, pressing him down against him as they kissed.
Leeteuk’s head was swimming with disbelief and desire. He kissed Kangin, putting years worth of want and need and desire into his breath, lips and tongue. Kangin moaned and kissed him back, mumbling words that were swallowed by Leeteuk’s tongue and lips. He was beyond caring, he was beyond anything. It was finally happening, and he wasn’t going to lose a moment of it. Kangin tasted like alcohol and cigarettes but he didn’t care. He loved him. Nothing else mattered other than that.
And then the kiss began to fade as Kangin started to drift off, shifting from deep and heated to mere kitten kisses. Leeteuk kissed him once more very softly and sighed.
“Was that an acceptable ‘tucking-in’?”
“Unnnh…” Kangin said thickly. Leeteuk looked at him, knowing from experience that he was seconds from passing out or falling asleep.
“Never mind.” Leeteuk whispered. “Go to sleep.” But he knew Kangin already was.
“I love you, you know.” Leeteuk whispered, laying his head on Kangin’s chest. He settled down next to him and slung one leg over Kangin’s, yawning a little. He watched Kangin sleeping for a while and then he drifted off, happy for the first time in months. Morning was coming, and this time, he wasn’t going to wake up alone.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When the alarm clock went off that morning at 6:00am, Kangin woke immediately and then quickly gripped his forehead to stop the pounding that accompanied the alarm clock. He groaned at the loud beeping and cursed the early hour.
He blearily looked over at Leeteuk’s bed and frowned to see it empty. The alarm continued to shrill on the nightstand next to him and he reached out blindly to silence it. As soon as he hit the button the noise stopped, and he sighed in relief. That was when he felt it. There was someone in bed with him. Blinking in confusion, he turned his head. Leeteuk’s head was resting on his chest, and he was sleeping peacefully. Kangin’s eyes began to focus through the hangover and he peered at Leeteuk in confusion. He could feel his legs tangled with Leeteuk’s under the sheets, and knew that his arms were wrapped around his hyung in a very intimate way.
Why are we in my bed together? Why am I under the sheets with him? Oh no…what did I do…?
Kangin froze. “Oh shit.” He whispered. His mind frantically searched through the fog to remember, but it was all a blur. Some girl at the club had teased the hell out of him without following through and then he’d come home…what had happened after that? Why was Leeteuk in bed with him, and why the hell did he have the distinct impression that the girl and Leeteuk had somehow got tangled up in his brain? Oh God, what did he do with Leeteuk last night?
“Oh no. Oh…shit.” Kangin exhaled. Leeteuk didn’t move, but that wasn’t unusual. He was always the last out of bed. Mornings were not Teukie’s favorite thing.
Kangin tried to move but immediately stopped, knowing Leeteuk would wake up and then he would have to have a really horrible, awkward conversation. “Shit….” He breathed, hungover and panicked, wondering what to do. “Shit shit shit.” His brain refused to function to give him a solution. “Oh no…”
Suddenly the bed tilted wildly as Leeteuk sat up quickly, swinging his legs over the side of the bed, his back to Kangin.
“Stop.” He said sharply, even though his voice shook a little. “I get it.” Leeteuk stood and Kangin gaped at the smooth expanse of Leeteuk’s naked back. His pajama bottoms were slung low over his narrow hips and Kangin exhaled in relief that at least they were still on him.
He winced. He hadn’t even known Leeteuk was awake. But then again, he never had any volume control when he was hung over. Suddenly there was a crunching sound, and Leeteuk looked down. “Oh.” He said, and Kangin felt his gut clench uncomfortably as Leeteuk bent down and picked up the now broken pieces of his glasses. The look on his face was completely unreadable as he looked at the webbed cracks in the lenses. “Of course.” He whispered quietly. His fingers were shaking slightly.
“Hyung…” He began, but the words caught in his throat and refused to be spoken.
“Don’t.” Leeteuk said quickly, turning away. Kangin mentally kicked himself. Stupid alcohol…what the hell had he done? Years of friendship were being flushed down the toilet because he had done something he couldn’t even remember? Leeteuk was his best friend. And he was a GUY. What the hell had happened last night?
“I’m sorry--- I was really drunk, man. I didn’t mean to do…whatever it was we did!”
Leteeuk flinched. Every word Kangin had said since he’d woken up had stabbed him in the heart until he felt like he was bleeding everywhere. How could he have been so stupid? God, it was incredible how perfectly he had fooled himself into thinking it was true. Kangin had been drunk. He either didn’t remember, or if he did, he wasn’t happy about it. The string of curses had proved it. The awkward movements…it all made it painfully clear. Kangin didn’t feel that way about him. In fact, he never had and never would. Pain hit him in waves and a lump formed in his throat, making it hard to breathe.
“I swear, I was drunk. I don’t even really remember what happened, Jungsu-a!”
“Please…don’t. Just don’t.” he said shakily, pulling a shirt and a pair of jeans out of his closet, desperate to get out, to not look at Kangin.
You are a fool, Park Jungsu.
“Leeteuk, wait…come on! Let’s not make a big deal out of it, okay? I swear I won’t say anything to anyone about it. Can’t we just forget it?” Kangin said desperately, getting up too, trying to cover himself with the sheet.
The words sliced into him, cutting him to ribbons. He felt the pain constrict in his chest until he could barely breathe. He gripped the doorframe tightly, fighting to keep control. Tears burned at the corners of his eyes but he looked away, gulping in air like he was dying. He couldn’t bear to let Kangin see him. He would know. He knew Kangin would see the look on his face and realize that he wasn’t embarrassed, he was heartbroken.
“Yeah, it’s fine.” He said as calmly as he was able, wondering how on earth Kangin could believe it was true. But he did, because he heard him exhale in relief. Kangin sat back down on the bed and rubbed his face, sighing heavily. Leeteuk forced one foot in front of the other, heading for the bathroom - the only safe place he could cry and not be heard or discovered. Kangin did not stop him.
Once inside the safety of the bathroom, he turned on the shower and got inside, turning the water on as hot as it would go. He welcomed the pain of it. Anything was better than this feeling. Anything was better than having to go out there and face him, to face them…all of them expecting Leader Leeteuk to smile and tell them what to do next. He let the water wash over him, burning him and scalding his pale skin. He leaned his head against the wall and sobbed, hating himself for being so stupid.
I am truly a fool.
Finally the hot water ceased to flow, covering him with a freezing cold layer of ice. He welcomed that too, letting it wash out all the pain and leave him hollow.
It’s done. It’s over. You gave him your heart and he never even knew it. You took a chance and lost, and now it’s finished. Time to return to the real world. Time to be Teukie-hyung. Time to smile, to pretend that your heart isn’t as broken as your glasses. Go on. It’s time.
He shut off the water and dried off, dressed in the clothes he’d grabbed from his closet. He avoided the mirror, and opened the door, letting in the cold air to fill in all the shattered pieces inside him. He smiled a smile that didn’t reach his eyes, and went out to be the leader of Super Junior.
Author: Ink_River10
Rating: PG13
Pairing: KangTeuk
Genre/Warnings: Angst
Disclaimer: I don’t own Super Junior. I just amuse myself with them in my head.
Summary: Leeteuk waits for Kangin, hoping this time it will be different.
A/N: Sorry my previous fic didn't meet the guidelines of a PG or PG13 fic, so I have revamped and re-written this to submit it now. If you are interested in reading the NC-17 version, click here.
This is inspired by Leeteuk’s recent emo “Fool” posts, by Sarah McLachlan’s song “Stupid” and by my account of SM Town 2010 L.A. concert - post here
Leeteuk sat on his bed, listening. The dorms were surprisingly quiet for 1am. They were usually up later than this, but he knew that they all had an early group call in the morning. The desire to stay up and hang out was outweighed by the knowledge that they’d have to look perfect in the morning.
He closed his eyes and concentrated. He knew that if he somehow were gifted with preternatural hearing, he would hear Kyuhyun tapping keys on his keyboard, playing Starcraft or banging out an irritated conversation with BoA about anti-fans and the recent nasty comments about their families. He would hear Ryeowook and Yesung lying in bed, whispering to each other. He would hear Sungmin, Shindong, and Donghae’s tiny snores. He would hear Eunhyuk’s extremely loud snores. He would hear the nearly indistinct sound of Heechul listening to music on his headphones.
He wouldn’t hear Hankyung. He had gone back to China, which is why Heechul wasn’t sleeping. He didn’t sleep much these days. Leeteuk sighed and tucked his knees against his chest. He also couldn’t hear Kangin. He couldn’t hear him because Kangin was out at the clubs again. Leeteuk swallowed, hating the feeling in his chest, hating the worry and the uncertainty. Kangin could walk through the door any second, laughing and tipsy, or stumble in drunk three hours from now and fall flat on his face.
When Kangin was drunk, he was….different. The normally calm, composed, somewhat reserved Kim Youngwoon became a ball of emotion, ranging from anger to giddiness and even occasionally a sobbing mess that Leeteuk could never seem to comfort.
He never knew what Kangin was going to do from one moment to the next when he was drunk. He wished that Kangin could be like this all the time - free with his affection and emotions instead of curled inward on himself like a porcupine. Leeteuk wished there was another way to release those emotions instead of alcohol. But there wasn’t.
So he waited, trying to prepare himself for whatever was going to happen.
He had almost drifted off to sleep when he heard the door open and close. He sat up in bed, feeling his heartbeat speed up. He concentrated, listening hard for any other sounds. He heard the click of the bathroom door, and the faint strains of water running in the sink. Leeteuk gripped the side of his bed, waiting. A voice in his head whispered that he should just lie back down, pretend he was asleep and that he didn’t care. But he simply couldn’t. He did care. When the door opened, he stood up.
“Teukie-hyung?” Kangin cocked his head and eyed him fuzzily. Leeteuk exhaled a breath he had been holding. “Why are you awake, Angel?”
“I just…” Leeteuk paused, smelling the alcohol and cigarette smell emanating from him. Underneath that there was the distinct scent of perfume, and it made his stomach clench painfully. “I was awake.” He said lamely, sitting down on the edge of his bed. Kangin turned and pulled his shirt over his head and kicked off his jeans. Leeteuk watched him, knowing he shouldn’t.
“God I’m drunk.” Kangin yawned, trying and failing to take off his watch. Out of pure instinct, Leeteuk stood and walked over, gently pulling Kangin’s hand towards his and unclasping the watch. Kangin’s eyebrows raised and he blinked hazily at him. Leeteuk found he couldn’t meet those eyes. He set the watch on the nightstand and stepped back.
“You should get some sleep. We have to be at the studio at 8am.” He said quietly.
“You should tuck me in.” Kangin said, falling over onto his bed. A little bag on their shared nightstand fell over and tiny round multicolored candy pieces skittered across the floor. Leeteuk immediately knelt down to pick them up. He couldn’t look at Kangin, lying half naked on his bed, looking fuzzy and drunk and desirable.
“You can tuck yourself in just fine without me.” Leeteuk answered. He poured the candy back into the bag and was about to turn around when Kangin grabbed him around the waist and pulled him onto the bed, sending the candy flying again and making Leeteuk yelp in surprise. He trapped Leeteuk on top of him with his arms and Leeteuk gaped at him in shock. “What are you doing?” He squirmed, both surprised at being flung on top of Kangin and a little bit alarmed about what his body would do if he stayed like this.
“I’m demanding you to tuck me in.” Kangin murmured. The smell of alcohol wafted upwards and Leeteuk shivered. He awkwardly shifted and braced his arms to either side of Kangin’s arms, then looked down at him.
So close…
“How am I supposed to tuck you in when you’re on top of the blankets?” Leeteuk exhaled, struggling to control himself. Kangin smiled a purely wicked smile and let go, lacing his fingers behind his back.
“I don’t know, that’s your problem, not mine.”
“You’re funny when you’re drunk.” Leeteuk puffed out a breath again and began to move off Kangin before his body could betray him.
“Yeah I’m totally hammered.” Kangin nodded, pulling Leeteuk back. “I won’t remember a thing in the morning.”
“It’s already morning.” Leeteuk panted a little again at having been pulled back against Kangin’s chest.
“You and your details.”
“Kangin…”
“You look pretty in your white pajamas. What is it with you and white?”
“What?” Leeteuk gaped at him.
“You look like a geeky, adorable girl.”
Leeteuk frowned down at Kangin. “I do not. And I’m not geeky.” He said defensively.
Kangin reached up and flicked the glasses off Leeteuk’s nose with one deft swipe. “Ah, that’s better. I can’t see you as well now.” Kangin grinned.
“My God you’re completely sloshed.” Leeteuk shook his head, reaching for his glasses. Kangin immediately yanked them out of his reach and Leeteuk gasped as Kangin’s legs parted unexpectedly, allowing him to slide down between them. Kangin’s hand quickly wrapped around his back and the glasses clattered to the floor. Leeteuk made an undignified squeak and tried to reposition himself, but Kangin’s arms were like lead.
“Umm…Youngwoon…” Leeteuk swallowed, blinking at him.
“Hmm?”
“You do realize that I’m lying on top of you, right?” He exhaled, trying desperately to regulate his breathing and make his body understand that this was not what it felt like.
“Yeah. You’re s’posed to tuck me in.” Kangin mumbled, sliding his hands up Leeteuk’s back and closing his eyes.
“You’re not making it easy.” Leeteuk grunted, trying and failing to pull the blanket and sheet up over Kangin’s body all while concentrating on not giving himself away.
“You could say please.” Kangin gave him a loopy smile even though his eyes were still closed.
“Oh please oh pretty please Kim Youngwoon will you let me tuck you in?” Leeteuk sing-songed sarcastically, even though he was enjoying this far more than he should. He curled his fingers into the sheets and tugged, but they wouldn’t budge under their combined weight.
Without warning, Kangin tightened his hold on Leeteuk and rolled them over so they were side by side, but he held on so that Leeteuk didn’t end up on the floor like the candy and his glasses. Leeteuk gripped the sheets and blankets and gasped as they rolled, effectively wrapping them up underneath the bedding. Leeteuk swore the slamming of his heart would give him away, but Kangin just slung one leg over Leeteuk’s and set his head on the pillow, looking for all the world like he would just fall asleep despite the fact that they were pressed together under the sheets. He looked blissfully calm and sleepy. Leeteuk stared at him, amazed at the total relaxed look on Kangin’s face.
“Kangin?”
“Mm?”
Leeteuk set his cheek on Kangin’s arm, watching his face. “What do you want, a bedtime story or goodnight kiss?” he asked, feeling stupid and afraid and wondering if he’d lost his mind. He swore his heart was going to slam out of his chest as he waited for the answer.
“You’re a terrible storyteller, hyung.” Kangin yawned again, sliding one arm under Leeteuk’s side.
Seconds ticked by and Leeteuk knew his chance was slipping away. He closed his eyes and leaned in, brushing his lips over Kangin’s. He knew he might already be asleep, but was pleasantly surprised when Kangin began kissing him back. He shifted his position and moved upwards, kissing him more. Kangin didn’t stop him, but instead slid his hands around Leeteuk’s waist, pressing him down against him as they kissed.
Leeteuk’s head was swimming with disbelief and desire. He kissed Kangin, putting years worth of want and need and desire into his breath, lips and tongue. Kangin moaned and kissed him back, mumbling words that were swallowed by Leeteuk’s tongue and lips. He was beyond caring, he was beyond anything. It was finally happening, and he wasn’t going to lose a moment of it. Kangin tasted like alcohol and cigarettes but he didn’t care. He loved him. Nothing else mattered other than that.
And then the kiss began to fade as Kangin started to drift off, shifting from deep and heated to mere kitten kisses. Leeteuk kissed him once more very softly and sighed.
“Was that an acceptable ‘tucking-in’?”
“Unnnh…” Kangin said thickly. Leeteuk looked at him, knowing from experience that he was seconds from passing out or falling asleep.
“Never mind.” Leeteuk whispered. “Go to sleep.” But he knew Kangin already was.
“I love you, you know.” Leeteuk whispered, laying his head on Kangin’s chest. He settled down next to him and slung one leg over Kangin’s, yawning a little. He watched Kangin sleeping for a while and then he drifted off, happy for the first time in months. Morning was coming, and this time, he wasn’t going to wake up alone.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When the alarm clock went off that morning at 6:00am, Kangin woke immediately and then quickly gripped his forehead to stop the pounding that accompanied the alarm clock. He groaned at the loud beeping and cursed the early hour.
He blearily looked over at Leeteuk’s bed and frowned to see it empty. The alarm continued to shrill on the nightstand next to him and he reached out blindly to silence it. As soon as he hit the button the noise stopped, and he sighed in relief. That was when he felt it. There was someone in bed with him. Blinking in confusion, he turned his head. Leeteuk’s head was resting on his chest, and he was sleeping peacefully. Kangin’s eyes began to focus through the hangover and he peered at Leeteuk in confusion. He could feel his legs tangled with Leeteuk’s under the sheets, and knew that his arms were wrapped around his hyung in a very intimate way.
Why are we in my bed together? Why am I under the sheets with him? Oh no…what did I do…?
Kangin froze. “Oh shit.” He whispered. His mind frantically searched through the fog to remember, but it was all a blur. Some girl at the club had teased the hell out of him without following through and then he’d come home…what had happened after that? Why was Leeteuk in bed with him, and why the hell did he have the distinct impression that the girl and Leeteuk had somehow got tangled up in his brain? Oh God, what did he do with Leeteuk last night?
“Oh no. Oh…shit.” Kangin exhaled. Leeteuk didn’t move, but that wasn’t unusual. He was always the last out of bed. Mornings were not Teukie’s favorite thing.
Kangin tried to move but immediately stopped, knowing Leeteuk would wake up and then he would have to have a really horrible, awkward conversation. “Shit….” He breathed, hungover and panicked, wondering what to do. “Shit shit shit.” His brain refused to function to give him a solution. “Oh no…”
Suddenly the bed tilted wildly as Leeteuk sat up quickly, swinging his legs over the side of the bed, his back to Kangin.
“Stop.” He said sharply, even though his voice shook a little. “I get it.” Leeteuk stood and Kangin gaped at the smooth expanse of Leeteuk’s naked back. His pajama bottoms were slung low over his narrow hips and Kangin exhaled in relief that at least they were still on him.
He winced. He hadn’t even known Leeteuk was awake. But then again, he never had any volume control when he was hung over. Suddenly there was a crunching sound, and Leeteuk looked down. “Oh.” He said, and Kangin felt his gut clench uncomfortably as Leeteuk bent down and picked up the now broken pieces of his glasses. The look on his face was completely unreadable as he looked at the webbed cracks in the lenses. “Of course.” He whispered quietly. His fingers were shaking slightly.
“Hyung…” He began, but the words caught in his throat and refused to be spoken.
“Don’t.” Leeteuk said quickly, turning away. Kangin mentally kicked himself. Stupid alcohol…what the hell had he done? Years of friendship were being flushed down the toilet because he had done something he couldn’t even remember? Leeteuk was his best friend. And he was a GUY. What the hell had happened last night?
“I’m sorry--- I was really drunk, man. I didn’t mean to do…whatever it was we did!”
Leteeuk flinched. Every word Kangin had said since he’d woken up had stabbed him in the heart until he felt like he was bleeding everywhere. How could he have been so stupid? God, it was incredible how perfectly he had fooled himself into thinking it was true. Kangin had been drunk. He either didn’t remember, or if he did, he wasn’t happy about it. The string of curses had proved it. The awkward movements…it all made it painfully clear. Kangin didn’t feel that way about him. In fact, he never had and never would. Pain hit him in waves and a lump formed in his throat, making it hard to breathe.
“I swear, I was drunk. I don’t even really remember what happened, Jungsu-a!”
“Please…don’t. Just don’t.” he said shakily, pulling a shirt and a pair of jeans out of his closet, desperate to get out, to not look at Kangin.
You are a fool, Park Jungsu.
“Leeteuk, wait…come on! Let’s not make a big deal out of it, okay? I swear I won’t say anything to anyone about it. Can’t we just forget it?” Kangin said desperately, getting up too, trying to cover himself with the sheet.
The words sliced into him, cutting him to ribbons. He felt the pain constrict in his chest until he could barely breathe. He gripped the doorframe tightly, fighting to keep control. Tears burned at the corners of his eyes but he looked away, gulping in air like he was dying. He couldn’t bear to let Kangin see him. He would know. He knew Kangin would see the look on his face and realize that he wasn’t embarrassed, he was heartbroken.
“Yeah, it’s fine.” He said as calmly as he was able, wondering how on earth Kangin could believe it was true. But he did, because he heard him exhale in relief. Kangin sat back down on the bed and rubbed his face, sighing heavily. Leeteuk forced one foot in front of the other, heading for the bathroom - the only safe place he could cry and not be heard or discovered. Kangin did not stop him.
Once inside the safety of the bathroom, he turned on the shower and got inside, turning the water on as hot as it would go. He welcomed the pain of it. Anything was better than this feeling. Anything was better than having to go out there and face him, to face them…all of them expecting Leader Leeteuk to smile and tell them what to do next. He let the water wash over him, burning him and scalding his pale skin. He leaned his head against the wall and sobbed, hating himself for being so stupid.
I am truly a fool.
Finally the hot water ceased to flow, covering him with a freezing cold layer of ice. He welcomed that too, letting it wash out all the pain and leave him hollow.
It’s done. It’s over. You gave him your heart and he never even knew it. You took a chance and lost, and now it’s finished. Time to return to the real world. Time to be Teukie-hyung. Time to smile, to pretend that your heart isn’t as broken as your glasses. Go on. It’s time.
He shut off the water and dried off, dressed in the clothes he’d grabbed from his closet. He avoided the mirror, and opened the door, letting in the cold air to fill in all the shattered pieces inside him. He smiled a smile that didn’t reach his eyes, and went out to be the leader of Super Junior.