Where's the God-Damn Ground?
I don't usually do this, but I feel really out of sorts today (hopefully, just right now)-- actually, agitated and rootless, like I can barely find the focus, energy, time to sort through what really needs attention right now. Like I am spread really thin and have no place to go but thinner, like the ground is giving way. So, I'm just going to make a list of conditions that are hammering on my head right now:
-- Joe lost his job last week. Our money is incredibly tight, all accounted for, maybe even short.
-- Joe's car needs the brakes replaced. In fact, there are no actual brakes on the car right now. My car evidently needs a new starter -- or something. It decides to die at more and mroe regular intervals. To make money, you need transport; transport costs money. The money to fix these things? Not even on the horizon.
-- My student loan deferral has run out. They want a few hundred dollars a month, beginning the first of June.
-- One of my good friends is having a REALLY hard time of it now: His partner was just diagnosed with two serious chronic illnesses, and his own stepfather just had a brain hemorrhage. I need to call him and be there for him more.
-- I've been meaning to go home and see my family. Not possible because of car problems. My grandfather and grandmother are building a house next to my parents -- in the barn lot -- as a way of preparing for my grandfather's death. He has a liver disease and has been given five years, at the outside estimate, to live.
-- I am feeling more and more excited about writing again -- poetry and critical work, essays -- and reading, especially in philosophy and shamanism. I don't seem to have the mental time to actually settle down and devote to it, even though I know this COULD lead to some grounding that I need right now.
-- The only thing that seems to go ON, very reliably, is my own dumbass job, where I ACTUALLY have a million and one big projects to do (projects that I am now putting off again -- first to write this and then to have a cigarette), projects that I don't feel invested in one bit. I feel exhausted an hour or so before coming to work and for a good thirty minutes after getting home.
I hope I don't blow up at someone today.
Well, at least writing these things down makes them clear to me -- so I can see what I am dealing with. And they're not that huge. People have far bigger problems. I just want to avoid grinding my teeth down to sharpened nubs today and mauling an ignorant customer.
Zip.
-- Joe lost his job last week. Our money is incredibly tight, all accounted for, maybe even short.
-- Joe's car needs the brakes replaced. In fact, there are no actual brakes on the car right now. My car evidently needs a new starter -- or something. It decides to die at more and mroe regular intervals. To make money, you need transport; transport costs money. The money to fix these things? Not even on the horizon.
-- My student loan deferral has run out. They want a few hundred dollars a month, beginning the first of June.
-- One of my good friends is having a REALLY hard time of it now: His partner was just diagnosed with two serious chronic illnesses, and his own stepfather just had a brain hemorrhage. I need to call him and be there for him more.
-- I've been meaning to go home and see my family. Not possible because of car problems. My grandfather and grandmother are building a house next to my parents -- in the barn lot -- as a way of preparing for my grandfather's death. He has a liver disease and has been given five years, at the outside estimate, to live.
-- I am feeling more and more excited about writing again -- poetry and critical work, essays -- and reading, especially in philosophy and shamanism. I don't seem to have the mental time to actually settle down and devote to it, even though I know this COULD lead to some grounding that I need right now.
-- The only thing that seems to go ON, very reliably, is my own dumbass job, where I ACTUALLY have a million and one big projects to do (projects that I am now putting off again -- first to write this and then to have a cigarette), projects that I don't feel invested in one bit. I feel exhausted an hour or so before coming to work and for a good thirty minutes after getting home.
I hope I don't blow up at someone today.
Well, at least writing these things down makes them clear to me -- so I can see what I am dealing with. And they're not that huge. People have far bigger problems. I just want to avoid grinding my teeth down to sharpened nubs today and mauling an ignorant customer.
Zip.