Turning
Been on vacation for a week. Trying to re-group. This'll be a LONG entry, in multiple sections, but it is really for my own clarity so please feel free to jump over it in weariness. :)
Went to the Fall Gathering at Short Mountain this weekend. Was going to write an entry focusing on that, but I realized that the power of the gathering, as unbelievable as it always is, should be to turn me back towards my everyday, not to provide me with an escape but with material to alter each waking morning and each blinking night for the very better, how to get through a workday as much as a holiday.
To that end, last night I did something I haven't done in a long time: I read my tarot cards. And they told me -- of course -- what I already knew somewhere deep down.
In terms of where I am going, what I have been struggling to evolve into, there is the Knight of Swords. And indicated in the work I have already done, there is the Sun. The truth of the matter is that I have exposed myself fairly thoroughly to many things, cast myself in the way of specific kinds of learning. I have tended to hide what I have learned, to viciously question my commitments, to fence everything in my head so as to refuse to forge the visible tradition I have been working on.
According to the cards, what is at play currently is frustration (Five of Wands). Has been for a too-long time. And this frustration comes from a lack of courage. I know what this means. First, I become obsessed with questioning myself to the core, on every belief or idea. And that leaves me ill-prepared for actual action or even clear expression, except in terms of aggressive doubt. I also fear offending or alienating those I love; I long ago noticed a trend in myself to become hard and distant when I am sure, less open, so I have consciously tried to dilute myself, give myself to people in watered-down doses. I worry about my abilities to change this trend, to be open and sure. I also simply worry about my financial well being when I begin this kind of commitment. I know my own capacity for dog-headedness, once I allow myself, and know, too, that something as silly as money or a job would become a far lower consideration.
The cards, though, indicated to me, that I have been trembling on the lip of this change for far too long, that, oddly enough, all that is needed for me to move into this place of courage and to begin acting like the person I've created is a simple step, a simple letting go. I am resolved to do it.
***
That was vague, I know. The scaffolding really. Here's some flesh.
-- I am going to trust my instincts with people. I will be completely open to, engaged with, those people that seem sincere and interesting/ed. Too often, I am suspicious of people and can hardly bring myself to be present and really listen. In fact, I am so suspicious that I assume no one has shared interests or earnestness and so I am already exhausted before I meet them.
I used to be the kind of person who could talk readily to strangers. When I am at the Gatherings, I hardly talk to anyone new. I am determined that I will meet at least a handfull of new folks when the next one rolls around, but I will also work on this in the meantime.
On the other hand, I will not waste too much time with people who are not sincere or interested in what they are talking about. People who just like to inflate their own egos and draw attention to themselves and hardly care about the subject of their own talking. People who don't listen. People who refuse to think or be engaged by different opinions. People who are deeply negative. I will politely cut them off and walk away.
I often get swamped in these kinsd of conversations and just become tired. And exhaustion has characterized many of my conversations with strangers. I think, though, this has largely to do with working too long in customer service (where you have to coddle idiots constantly) and from not actively choosing the conversations I want to have.
(Break here -- have to leave the desk -- continuing later.)
Went to the Fall Gathering at Short Mountain this weekend. Was going to write an entry focusing on that, but I realized that the power of the gathering, as unbelievable as it always is, should be to turn me back towards my everyday, not to provide me with an escape but with material to alter each waking morning and each blinking night for the very better, how to get through a workday as much as a holiday.
To that end, last night I did something I haven't done in a long time: I read my tarot cards. And they told me -- of course -- what I already knew somewhere deep down.
In terms of where I am going, what I have been struggling to evolve into, there is the Knight of Swords. And indicated in the work I have already done, there is the Sun. The truth of the matter is that I have exposed myself fairly thoroughly to many things, cast myself in the way of specific kinds of learning. I have tended to hide what I have learned, to viciously question my commitments, to fence everything in my head so as to refuse to forge the visible tradition I have been working on.
According to the cards, what is at play currently is frustration (Five of Wands). Has been for a too-long time. And this frustration comes from a lack of courage. I know what this means. First, I become obsessed with questioning myself to the core, on every belief or idea. And that leaves me ill-prepared for actual action or even clear expression, except in terms of aggressive doubt. I also fear offending or alienating those I love; I long ago noticed a trend in myself to become hard and distant when I am sure, less open, so I have consciously tried to dilute myself, give myself to people in watered-down doses. I worry about my abilities to change this trend, to be open and sure. I also simply worry about my financial well being when I begin this kind of commitment. I know my own capacity for dog-headedness, once I allow myself, and know, too, that something as silly as money or a job would become a far lower consideration.
The cards, though, indicated to me, that I have been trembling on the lip of this change for far too long, that, oddly enough, all that is needed for me to move into this place of courage and to begin acting like the person I've created is a simple step, a simple letting go. I am resolved to do it.
***
That was vague, I know. The scaffolding really. Here's some flesh.
-- I am going to trust my instincts with people. I will be completely open to, engaged with, those people that seem sincere and interesting/ed. Too often, I am suspicious of people and can hardly bring myself to be present and really listen. In fact, I am so suspicious that I assume no one has shared interests or earnestness and so I am already exhausted before I meet them.
I used to be the kind of person who could talk readily to strangers. When I am at the Gatherings, I hardly talk to anyone new. I am determined that I will meet at least a handfull of new folks when the next one rolls around, but I will also work on this in the meantime.
On the other hand, I will not waste too much time with people who are not sincere or interested in what they are talking about. People who just like to inflate their own egos and draw attention to themselves and hardly care about the subject of their own talking. People who don't listen. People who refuse to think or be engaged by different opinions. People who are deeply negative. I will politely cut them off and walk away.
I often get swamped in these kinsd of conversations and just become tired. And exhaustion has characterized many of my conversations with strangers. I think, though, this has largely to do with working too long in customer service (where you have to coddle idiots constantly) and from not actively choosing the conversations I want to have.
(Break here -- have to leave the desk -- continuing later.)