Batman AU!

[ink_like_blood]

So, hetrez and I were telling a non-DYW person about the Batman AU and wee realized its locked in there for some reason, so she said I could repost it here, since that would be faster anyway. Here you are, unchanged from the original;

Batman AU

So eleanor_lavish and I were talking yesterday, and we decided that Spencer and Pete are like yin and yang. Spencer is very contained and cool and aware, and he's kind of standoffish, and older than his years, and Pete is all of twelve, mentally, and he needs needs needs people, and he's charismatic and he has these great entrepreneurial ideas, but he's all over the place in terms of business. Only, they're both trying to take over the world. If Pete made Wentzcorp and Spencer made Spencecorp, they'd be two very different types of corporations. And of course they'd be in competition with each other.

The story is mostly El's, [This is totally false. -Ed.] The typing is mostly mine. [This is totally true! - Ed.] We welcome any and all fics, cookies, sugggestions, and additions. Crime fighting is for everyone.


Sometimes Pete and Spencer have board meetings together, whenever Pete wants to collaborate on a project or Spencer's trying to outsource, or that one time Spencer tried to buy Pete out and Pete laughed and laughed and then threw Spencer out of the building. Spencer's got these perfect french cuffs, crisp white shirt and his black suit with sharp creases in the legs. Pete wears purple suits, or hot pink button-down shirts, and his hair's all crazy, and he swings his legs during meetings and brings a ball point pen just so he can click it on and off and irritate the hell out of Spencer. Pete's obsessed with the intercom in Spencer's board room -- he keeps trying to talk to Spencer through it. And Spencer's like, "Moron. I'm in the room." And Pete's like, "Spencer! It's an intercom! We have to use it." But the room's not that big, really, and Spencer can hear him just fine when he talks. Most of the time Spencer avoids Pete like the plague; they go to the same parties and they know the same people, and Spencer thinks Pete is shallow and stupid, and Pete thinks Spencer is uptight and maybe soul-less, and they're totally fine with never speaking.

Except, okay. What Pete and Spencer do in their off hours is, they fight crime. They're both like Bruce Wayne, with the funky gadgets and the crimefighting, only Spencer doesn't use most of the gadgets his gadget man makes for him. He's got his really big gun, and a smaller gun for when he wants to be inconspicuous, and another gun for back-up, and a lot of extra ammo. Pete doesn't believe in guns, he doesn't like killing people, he just wants to stop them, so Pete has this cool extendable fighting staff and some throwing stars and a whole lot of cool electronic doohickeys that light up, or spit out oil, or blare white noise, or whatever he needs. Neither Pete nor Spencer knows the other one fights crime. They go to board meetings together and snark, and they each go out at night with their little masks and look for bad guys.

The way it starts is that Pete and Spencer are both chasing after the same guy. They're running through alleyways and into and out of buildings, and then Pete sees someone in the dark who's wearing a mask and holding a gun, and he jumps out with his knife and the masked guy pulls his gun and they're at a standoff. Pete figures it's a crappy way to die, but he knows his lines, so he says, "You'll never get away with this."

The guy in the mask cocks his head to the side and says, "You'll never get away with this either."

And Pete's confused. "I'm not the one who's getting away with anything, except you totally won't so don't even think about it."

And the guy in the mask says, "Wait a minute." He takes off the mask and it's Spencer!

Pete's all, Holy cow! "Oh my god, you do this, too?"

Spencer says, "Jesus Christ, Wentz."

Pete's like, "I know! Isn't it awesome?" and Spencer's about to answer, but then he says, "Wait. You're here and I'm here."

Pete nods.

"And the guy we were chasing is not here."

Pete nods again.

"Then I think we should start running away from this building as fast as we can." Pete thinks that's a good idea. They get about twenty feet down the road before the building explodes.

Partnership

Spencer really, really likes working by himself, but Pete won't stop calling him on his work number and talking about crimefighting, on Spencer's work number that anybody could fucking tap, goddammit, Wentz -- "Okay, okay," Pete says, "I'll come over later and talk to you." Spencer tells every building guard and receptionist in the building not to let him in.

A couple hours later, Pete walks into his office. Spencer's assistant, Greta, comes in after him, saying, "I'm sorry, Mr Smith, I tried to stop him but he insisted." And Spencer wants to bang his head on the desk. Pete really thinks they should work together! They could totally be a team! And Spencer says, "No and hell no." and kicks Pete out of his office so he can finish his paperwork on time.

Pete keeps calling him and coming over, and tagging along on his missions, he won't stop. Pete says, "We'd be better as a team."

Spencer says, "I don't care."

Pete says, "Yes, you do, it's your job."

Spencer says, "No, my job is to be CEO of a company, and to not run my company into the ground so that I have enough money to fight crime."

Pete finally resorts to poking Spencer in the arm whenever they see each other. C'mon, man. C'mon, man. C'mon, man. Poke, poke, poke. After six months, Spencer's ready to kill Pete. He says, "Okay, all right, fine."

Pete inherited a mansion from his parents, and his secret lair is underneath it. The lair belonged to his parents, and probably their parents. It's a family lair. Spencer's secret lair was under his office building. Pete's first big idea is that Spencer should buy the mansion next to Pete's, and then Pete can expand his secret lair into the space underneath Spencer's mansion, and they can share. When Spencer points out what a ridiculous idea this is, Pete says, "It's so ridiculous that nobody'll guess what we're doing." Spencer sighs, and says, "Fine, whatever," and buys the mansion next to Pete's.

At some point during their partnership, the amount of time Spencer spends cringing at the way Pete treats his board of trustees begins to roughly equal the amount of time he spends each night fighting crime. Pete isn't stupid, and he managed to build Wentzcorp into competition for Spencer, but Spencer thinks he really sucks as a businessman. Spencer calls Pete into his office one day, and sits Pete down and says, "Listen, hear me out. I know you like this crime fighting thing, but your board of trustees is going to kill you. I think, listen, I think you should let me take over your business. You should sign over your shares to me, and I can be in charge of both sets of trustees, and you can go play with gadgets and your bo staff, and I'll make sure this company isn't run into the ground."

Pete's like, " . . . uh?"

Spencer says, "Think about it."

Pete says, "Will I still be able to come to board meetings?"

Spencer says, "Sure, if you want to. You totally won't have to, though. And you can still come to the parties."

Pete's like, "Okay, I'm sold."

They have a huge fight about what they should call the company. Pete's like, "Swencecorp!" Spencer puts his head in his hands and doesn't answer. "No!" Pete says, "It's really good!" Finally he says, "Fueled by Ramen Incorporated. Because we totally are." He's amazed at his cleverness.

Spencer is not calling his company "Fueled by Ramen."

Pete says, "Okay, FBR Incorporated. It's got initials, it's all professional-sounding."

Spencer's like, "Jesus Christ, I hate you."

Pete says, "We could always go back to my original suggestion. I like Swencecorp just fine."

Spencer says, "God, no."

Pete says, "Great! FBR it is."

Jon and Patrick

Patrick was Pete's gadget man, and Jon was Spencer's. Patrick's father worked for Pete's parents, and when Pete inherited the family lair Patrick was already there, sitting with his goggles on and messing with some electrical widget. Pete loves the cool things that Patrick comes up with, the way they all have buttons and blinky lights, and it's totally awesome. Whenever he tells Patrick this, Patrick just smiles and tucks his head down like a hiding turtle and says, "Um, thanks."

Jon used to work on one of the lower floors of Spencecorp, but then one day Spencer walked in, and Jon was like, "I'm, ah, you know I'm not gonna have that silencer till tomorrow."

Spencer looks like he's been eating grapefruit peel. He says, "I need you to move your labs."

Jon's like, "Uh, okay, where?"

Spencer, through his teeth, says, "My new secret underground lair."

Jon's not really nervous about the new space, but it's kind of strange to be in a cave and not just an office with no windows. But he and Patrick get along great. They commiserate about what weirdos Pete and Spencer can be sometimes. Like, Patrick says, "He always wants the wackiest shit, you know? Like, last week he wanted exploding gum. I told him, What if you forget? You'll be chewing and chewing and your head will explode. He saw it on, like, Mission Impossible or something. He shouldn't ever be allowed to watch movies."

Jon says, "At least Pete uses the stuff you make. Spencer just wants more ammo. He could fire me and contract with a munitions factory, but he says he likes his stuff to have that personal touch."

Patrick pats him on the shoulder and says, "That's rough, man."

Spencer and Pete come back from a mission one day and the cave is empty. They kind of freak out a little, because it's office hours for Patrick and Jon, and if they aren't there then maybe something's happened. Spencer and Pete go into one of the back rooms, where the kevlar is, and Jon and Patrick are sitting on a crate, making out. Before Spencer can shut the door, Pete says, "Hey." Patrick and Jon look up.

"Uh," Patrick says. "We thought you'd be another, like, hour."

Pete says, "Yeah, not so much."

Jon says, "This isn't, um, well, I mean it is, but"

And Spencer says, "Listen. I'm going to go upstairs and do some paperwork. You come up sometime, and we can talk about that new radio transmitter I want."

On the way up in the elevator, Pete's nearly bouncing. "Did you see them? That was fucking hot, man. They're so adorable together."

Spencer says, "I now know way more about my employees than I ever wanted to."

And Pete says, "Come on, you thought it was hot." He pokes Spencer on the arm. "You totally thought so." Poke, poke.

Spencer says, "All right, yeah, they were hot."

Patrick and Jon don't get out much, but they do have some friends on the outside who they see sometimes. Patrick's friends run an arms manufacturing company called Chem R.O. They all live in this big warehouse together. Whenever Patrick goes there, Mikey and Frank are usually working on something together, and Ray's off mixing chemicals on the second floor. Gerard's got a corner screened off for whatever picture he's working on in his spare time. The whole gang loves Patrick, and whenever he comes over they show him the new toys they've been working on. The day Patrick first brings Jon to meet them all, Frank and Mikey have cooked up something new. Frank says, "And you have to unscrew this, and turn it over, and it gets really bright so you have to wear sunglasses. The debris moves at certain vectors, or we want it to, so you hold it in your hand while you set it off and it doesn't decapitate you. We're still testing."

Mikey says, "We're looking at maybe fourteen dead, give or take, like, three? Is that right, Frankie?"

Frank cocks his head to the side and says, "Yeah, that should be right."

Frank wants to show Patrick and Jon how the gadget works. He's very careful about getting everybody behind bulletproof safety screens, because otherwise they might get hurt in the explosion. And then he comes out from behind the screen, and says, "Okay, you guys, watch this."

Gerard is like, "Frank? Frank? Frank? Frank, Frank, Frank, Frankie, honey, Frank? Frank."

Frank looks over. "What?"

Gerard says, "Safety screen."

And Frank's like, "Oh, yeah," and comes back behind the screen.

On the way back to their labs, Patrick says, "Listen, I'm really sorry my friends are, uh, you know."

Jon says, "No, hey, it was pretty fun." They kind of remind him of Frohike and Langley. When he tells that to Patrick, Patrick laughs.

Joe and Ryan

Joe is Pete's best friend, the friend every superhero has who doesn't have any idea about the crime fighting, or the secret identity, or any of it. Ryan is that for Spencer. Joe's like this dude. He's pretty mellow, and he likes pot and baseball, and he and Pete have been friends for ages, even though Pete's parents were landed gentry and Joe's dad was, like, a factory manager. Ryan is a young, cynical queen. He does something in fashion.

After Spencer and Pete merge their businesses, they start throwing parties together. Pete's invited Joe and Spencer's invited Ryan. Joe has been to some of these business parties before, but he'll never really feel entertained, comfortable. At some point in the evening he escapes out onto a balcony, and Ryan's there chain-smoking. He looks up and sees Joe. He says, "God, how do they do it every day?"

Joe says, "Do what?"

Ryan says disgustedly, "Work."

And Joe's like, "Dude, I know."

They end up striking up this weird little friendship. Joe's just mellow enough that nothing Ryan says bothers him, and he thinks Ryan's cynicism and jaded bitterness are hi-larious. Ryan likes the way Joe doesn't mind -- it's not that he doesn't care, he's not vapid like Spencer's always saying Pete is. Joe just doesn't mind. It's a big change from all Ryan's catty, bitchy friends.

Once they start talking and hanging out together, Ryan and Joe begin to think that something weird is going on with Pete and Spencer. They always disappear at the same time, and both with paper-thin excuses, sometimes coming back looking tousled and tired, sometimes not coming back till late at night. Joe finally corners Pete one day and says, "Pete, man, are you and Spencer sleeping together?" Pete chokes, and is all, "No!" Then he gets a call from Spencer on his cell phone, and he has to go into his office to take it. He's there for a while, and doesn't answer when Joe knocks, Joe finally opens the door, and the room is empty. He's thinking, what the fuck? and he goes poking around. He picks up sherry glasses and pulls on book spines, and finally lifts a Clan logo paperweight off of Pete's desk, and a secret passage opens up in the wall. Joe calls Ryan. "Ry, um. You know how we thought Pete and Spencer were sleeping together? I really don't think that's what's happening."

Ryan and Joe go down the elevator together. They walk into the cave, and there's a bright, shiny lab counter on one side, and video screens on the other, and then Patrick walks in from another room and sees them, and he says, "Oh, ah, hey."

Joe says, "Hey."

"Are you here to pick up the stuff?"

And Joe's like, "Um. Yeah. We'll take. the stuff."

Patrick gives them a little box, and Joe and Ryan take it back up to Pete's office, and they have a little conversation about secret underground laboratories and mad scientists kept locked away, and by the time Pete and Spencer come back they pretty much have it figured out. The 'stuff' Patrick was talking about it actually a sweet pair of night vision goggles, and when Pete and Spencer get to Pete's office, Joe's wearing the goggles, laughing and stumbling a little as he walks around. Joe turns to them and says, "Pete, you have some excellent shit."

Ryan says, "You're so busted."

Spencer's all, "I have no idea what you mean."

Joe says, "We totally found your underground cave. Your scientist gave me goggles."

Spencer turns to stare at Pete. "Hey, Pete," he says, "You remember when I was building that room in my mansion, the one with the thumb-print lock, and how I said you should get a thumb-print lock too so people wouldn't be able to sneak into your cave?"

Pete says, "Yeah, I haven't gotten around to that yet."

Ryan points and laughs.

After they've been friends a couple of months, Ryan has a birthday, and he throws a party but he doesn't invite Joe. Joe finds out maybe a month later, and he's pretty confused, he thought he and Ryan were friends.

Ryan says, "It doesn't matter, it's just a birthday."

And Joe says, "But you had a party."

Ryan says, "Nobody important was there."

Joe says, "You could have invited me."

Ryan sighs, and says, "Look. You wouldn't have been comfortable. My friends are all bitches, and they wouldn't get why we're friends, and they were all at the party and I just. Didn't think you'd be comfortable."

Joe gets it, because his friends wouldn't get why he's friends with Ryan, either. Joe can get away with being friends with Pete, because Pete's got tattoos and wears his hair all spikey and is a total goofball, but they just wouldn't get Ryan. So Joe and Ryan start doing things that are just the two of them, like going to openings of galleries that Ryan's interested in. Joe knows he probably shouldn't be having as much fun as he does -- a gallery opening, come on -- but he's there with Ryan so he always ends up having a good time.

Pete and Spencer have to go to Hong Kong for like a week one time. Joe calls Ryan up and says, "God, I'm so bored. Are you bored?"

Ryan says, "I'm always bored."

Joe says, "Listen, I know it's not your thing, but do you want to go to a baseball game? The Cubs are playing."

Ryan is like, . . . uh? But it's Joe, and he always has fun with Joe, so he goes.

So Ryan shows up, and he's wearing designer jeans and a $300 t-shirt and a little cap, and he chain-smokes through the whole thing. Joe's gotten them seats up in front behind first base, and Ryan's confused. He can see the whole field, but it's a weird angle, and they could totally have better seats somewhere else. Joe says firmly, "These are the best seats in the house." Ryan's like, Okay, whatever you say.

The game starts, and Ryan and Joe have a perfect view of the first-baseman's ass. Ryan says, "Oh, my."

Joe nods. "We have the best seats."

Ryan's ready to tolerate it. He's not stupid, he knows about sports, he just -- usually he's more interested in his own life than in watching other people play sports. But he's there with Joe, who's funny and always relaxes him, and he starts to get really into the game. By the fourth inning, Ryan's yelling at the umpire along with everybody else. Ryan stands up and he's waving his arms and yelling, and Joe's like, "Dude, sit down, you're going to get us kicked out of the game." But he's having an awesome time.

After Pete comes back from Hong Kong, Joe's telling him about the game, and he sounds so happy and he's still really excited about it three days later, and Pete starts thinking. He says, "Joe, are you sleeping with Ryan?"

Joe's like, "No!"

Pete says, "Joe, why aren't you sleeping with Ryan?"

Joe doesn't answer for a minute. Then he says, "I don't know."

Pete says, "Joe, you need to sleep with Ryan. This has been going on for way too long for you not to jump him."

Joe doesn't know what he's talking about.

"Listen, he took you to that gallery opening he'd been talking about for months. You went to a freaking baseball game together."

"He asked like four other people to that gallery thing before he asked me."

Pete says, "No, he told you he asked four other people."

Joe says, "He's not my type."

Pete just looks at him.

"Okay, yeah. But I'm not his type."

Pete throws up his hands. "Listen, believe whatever you want."

Ryan and Joe are a weird couple. Nobody looking in from the outside can really figure it out. The thing is, they're kind of perfect for each other, too. Joe would be a really good boyfriend to most people: he's nice, he's mellow, he remembers birthdays. But he needs somebody who'll challenge him, who'll pull him out of his house and make him go to short-film festivals, make him talk about politics or his ideas, his plans for his father's factory, whatever. And Ryan would be a very bad boyfriend to most people: he's a good person but he's also a bitch, and kind of uptight, and he needs space sometimes, and he acts like he's really high maintenance so his boyfriends get confused when he isn't. But Joe doesn't care if Ryan's bitchy, and Joe will call Ryan on his bullshit, or give him space, and Joe is funny and nice and god, Ryan thinks, god he's hot. All Ryan's other boyfriends have either been just like Ryan -- they're too cool for school and get into screaming fights with Ryan about where they should go out to dinner -- or they're fawning young boys that Ryan just gets sick of. Ryan's last boyfriend got him a book of poetry for his birthday, and when Ryan said, "What the hell is this?" the boy looked crushed.

"It's a book of poetry," he said quietly.

"I don't need a book of poetry. I have poetry. Fucking Pete Wentz writes me poetry. If there is anything I do not need, this is it."

His boyfriend got upset and walked out of the room. If it had been Joe, Ryan thinks, he'd have yelled right back. "Fine, asshole, what do you want? You want a scarf? You've got like thirty of them. Come out with me, and I'll take the book back, and I'll buy you another scarf."

And Ryan would have said, "Fuck you, Trohman," and Joe would have said, "Come on. I'll show you how real people behave. You can pick your own present and everything." And Ryan would have laughed, and said, "Fuck you," again, only he would have been smiling, and he and Joe would have gone out together, and it would have been fine.

Most of Ryan and Joe's fights are like that. Joe will say, "You're being a moron." And Ryan will say, "Shut up, you fucking cretin." Joe will say, "Hey, don't use words I don't know," and smile, and all the fight will go out of Ryan and it'll all be over except the hot make-up sex.

The first time Joe came over, he sat with Ryan on the couch and watched a film. Ryan didn't make any move to touch him, which Joe had kind of been thinking he would, and every time Joe looked over Ryan seemed entranced with the movie. Joe stared at him, fascinated by the shape of his mouth and really wanting to lick it, and then he thought, Fuck this. "Ryan," he said, "this is a stupid movie. Why are you making me watch this stupid movie?"

Ryan said, "It's a French film. It won a lot of awards."

Joe said, "I don't care. Why am I watching this?"

And Ryan smiled, and turned off the television, and crawled into Joe's lap, leaning down over him so Joe had to look up. He said, "I didn't ask you here to watch a movie, Trohman."

Joe's dated guys before, but they were always just regular guys like he was, or straight-acting gay men. Joe's dated men who, when they go out together, they're a couple of guys hanging out and drinking beer, and it's only when they get back to Joe's apartment that Joe can kiss him, or touch his hand. And Joe doesn't really mind that -- you know, the sex is good, and hanging out is fun, so whatever. Except that Ryan will never, ever hide who he is, and Joe kind of loves it. They go out together and Ryan wears designer sweaters and long flowing scarves, and lavendar-tinted sunglasses when he wants to be ironic, and if anyone says anything or looks at him funny, Ryan's totally unfazed. These kids yelled "Fag!" at him on the street one time, and Ryan blew them a kiss and said, "Yeah? You know you want me."

Joe was like, "Ryan, please don't aggravate the gang-bangers."

Ryan looked over at them and sneered. "They're all pansies. Look at that one. He totally wants me."

For Ryan -- okay, the thing is, whatever Ryan has with Joe is different from his other relationships. He never really cared about the guys he dated before, and if he did care about the guys, he didn't really know how to care about the relationship itself. Now he has Joe, and he also has this really cool thing with Joe, and sometimes he gets worried that he'll fuck it up. Like, most of the time he's a disdainful little bitch and doesn't care, but sometimes he'll say something mean and as soon as the words leave his mouth he'll think, Oh fuck, that was a bad thing to say. And in that second Joe would be able to say anything back to him, anything, and Ryan would just take it. And that freaks him out. Joe's been noticing that look Ryan gets, that Oh-god-that-was-a-fuck-up look, and whenever he sees it he grins and says, "Ah, you're learning." And Ryan will relax, because it's Joe and everything is fine.

Before they started dating, Ryan went to talk to Spencer. He said, "Listen, I have this idea, and I need you to tell me if I'm crazy."

Spencer said, "Okay."

Ryan said, "See, there's this guy, there's a guy that I. He's this guy."

Spencer said, "I'm sensing there's a guy."

"And I really like him. But I don't know if it's a crazy idea, and I feel like I should talk to you first."

Spencer says, "Do I know him?"

" . . . yes."

"Is he an asshole? Do I need to have him shot?"

Ryan says, "It's Joe. I like Joe."

Spencer's gobsmacked. "Joe Trohman? Pete's Joe, baseball-cap wearing Joe Trohman? Trohman?"

Ryan says, "Yeah, I know. He's really hot."

Spencer chokes, then says, "Well, yes, he is attractive. That wasn't exactly what I was getting at."

Ryan says, "Look. He doesn't make me want to slit my wrists every time I'm with him like all my other boyfriends. I like him, and I think it could really work. Unless I'm crazy, do you think I'm crazy?"

"Well, it's kind of weird."

It's not that Spencer doesn't like Joe. Joe's a guy, and before Spencer met him the only guys he knew were the investment bankers in training at his university, and they were total brainless assholes. Spencer was ready for Joe to be a brainless asshole, he was prepared for that. But one time Joe and Pete and Spencer were all sitting together, and Pete wanted to do something obscenely stupid with his company, and Spencer said, "You're an idiot." Joe piped up a second later with, "Pete, you're an idiot." He went on this long tirade about how if Pete does A his board of directors will do B, and they'll want concession X in the contract, which he can't get unless he does Y for the investors, which will totally eat up his capital for the month, and he'll have to take out a huge loan or risk being eaten up by the other corporations. Spencer stared at Joe for a second when all this was finished and then said, "Yeah. He's right." And Pete was like, Okay, man, whatever. Spencer was very surprised, and pretty happy, when Joe turned out to be smart and nice, but he's still shocked that this is the man Ryan wants to have sex with.

Ryan says, "His birthday's coming up. I want to get him season tickets to the Cubs."

Spencer says, "You don't evenlike baseball."

Ryan puts his head in his hands and says, "I know. Joe likes them. He brought me to a game."

Spencer says, "Where was I when all this was happening?"

"I don't know, Hong Kong." Ryan looks up and points at him. "You left me, Spencer, you're lucky I didn't end up with a bum on the street."

Spencer says, "Shut up."

"You're such a terrible friend."

"Get out of my house," Spencer says.

Joe’s birthday arrives, and Pete throws him a party. Ryan's there, and he takes Joe aside and says, "Listen, you probably already have these, but I just thought, if you don't, you know, it might be something fun to do. I mean, you don't have to take me, but there are two seats, so you should bring somebody. And, here." He hands Joe an envelope, and Joe opens it, and Ryan's given him season tickets to the Cubs.

Joe just stares at them for a second. Ryan's too cool to fidget, but he looks down while Joe's processing, and Joe can't really think for a second. Ryan got him season tickets, and Ryan wants to go with him to games, and Joe can't really imagine what could make him happier. He just sort of stands there grinning crazily for a minute, and then pulls Ryan over and kisses him.

Brendon and Greta

Greta's been Spencer's assistant for a few years. She's very professional, always with her hair pulled back tight, wearing conservative suits and skirts. She's always to work on time, and very good at what she does. Yes, Mr Smith, I'll fax it over within the hour. Mr Smith, your three o'clock meeting is here. It's a totally different job from being Pete's assistant. Chris, who works for Pete, his job is mostly waving his hands in Pete's face and yelling, "Asshole, sign here. No, here. Yes, and here, too. I really like my paycheck, dude, but you have to put your signature on it for it to work."

Brendon is Spencer's driver, and valet. He's Spencer's Alfred. Spencer and Brendon are best friends, in a different way than Spencer and Ryan are. Brendon knows everything about Spencer, about the crime fighting and all the plans he has for the business, and the way he really, really hates Pete except for that one time Pete was in the hospital and Spencer was so distracted on his rounds that he let some purse snatcher get away. He comes into the office to pick Spencer up at the end of the day, and usually Spencer's like, I need four more minutes. Brendon's pretty easy going, so he just goes back out to Greta's office and sits with her, and drinks coffee with her and tries to make her laugh. He calls her Gretsky. Greta's had a crush on him for a while, but she isn't going to say anything because Brendon is Spencer's friend and it would be inappropriate.

Spencer's throwing this business party, and he comes into Greta's office one day and says, "Havermeyer can't come on Friday." There's a space open on the guest list. Greta starts naming people Spencer could invite instead, and Spencer just looks at her and says, "Hey, what are you doing Friday?" Greta isn't doing anything, she supposes. "You should come. Put yourself on the list. You deserve a fun night."

Greta shows up the night of the party, driving her little Taurus into Spencer's big garage. Her hair is down, and she's wearing a long red dress and wishing she'd come down with the flu or something so she could cancel on this if she wanted to. Brendon opens the door, and she's standing there looking beautiful, and very nervous. She says, "Is the dress all right? Mr Smith said it was formal, but maybe he didn't mean this formal, and it's really the only dress I have, is it okay?"

It takes Brendon a minute to answer, he's just looking at her, but then he says, "Yeah, it's wonderful."

She smiles in relief, and it's the loveliest thing he's ever seen.

Greta's pretty uncomfortable at the party. She finds a place near the wall to stand, and watches the way everybody's talking and schmoozing. Like, Greta gets paid well, and she has a good life, and Spencer's nice to her, but this is a room full of Spencer's peers, and she's really only ever spoken to their secretaries. She has a little plate of food, and she eats it and tries not to spill any on her dress, and tries not to feel too weird. After a while, Brendon comes over. He can see how uncomfortable she is. He says, "Spencer really didn't think it through when he invited you."

She says, "Yeah, he really didn't."

Brendon says, "Come here, I want to introduce you to some people." He takes her back to the kitchen, and Patrick and Jon are there, along with most of the wait staff, and Andy, Pete's valet. Andy's telling a really dirty joke, and at the end of it Greta laughs along with everybody. Everybody looks up, and they see this lovely girl in a ball gown who's laughing at this dirty joke, and they're about to get up and start ma'amming her and leading her back toward the ball room, but then Brendon says, "Hey, this is Greta. She's really cool. Greta, this is Jon, and this is Patrick. And here, this is Darren."

Greta's a lot more comfortable back in the kitchen playing cards, but after an hour or so Brendon comes back and leads her out to the ball room. "Because," he says, "you should dance at least once." They dance, and Greta's really good, Brendon tells her. She smiles and says thanks, and they keep dancing until the party winds down and Brendon has to call for everyone's cars.

Pete and Spencer

Before they were partners, Spencer and Pete had a grudging respect for each other. Okay, to be fair, Pete had a grudging respect for Spencer, a kid who'd risen from a modest middle-class background to buy out corporation after corporation until he was the CEO of this huge conglomerate. He kept his house and his business in great order. Every one of Pete's business acquaintances had good things to say about Spencer the businessman, but never much about Spencer the person. Spencer the person was an enigma. Pete loved enigmas, even if Spencer was kind of a tool.

Spencer pretty much thought Pete was a tool in all areas. And he really didn't have time for tools. Though he made exceptions for tools with secret lairs and crimefighting skills. Pete was pretty good at crimefighting, even if Spencer was loathe to admit it.

About three months after he moves into his new mansion, Spencer comes home to find Pete and Andy in his kitchen with Brendon playing cards and drinking beer. "I like this kid," Pete notes, waving his beer toward Brendon happily. "Get out," Spencer says, his eyes wide. "Okay," Pete grins and grabs his leather jacket off the back of his chair. Andy laughs and claps Brendon on the back as he follows Pete.

"What was that?" Spencer asks Brendon incredulously.

"He came up through the lair, I thought I'd make him a sandwich. What?" Spencer just gets used to Pete being around after that, and Andy and Joe and even Patrick. But he still doesn't really know what to do with Pete, except he knows he doesn't really like him.

One time Andy gets kidnapped. He knows all of Pete's secrets, he knows everything about the company and the crime fighting, and at first Pete thinks it's his fault, he has this terrible feeling that his secret identity is the reason Andy's been taken. But really it's some moron who wants Pete's money, and he's holding Andy ransom till Pete gives him blah blah dollars, Pete doesn't even finish reading the ransom note, he just tears it into little pieces and throws them in the garbage. Spencer's there when the note gets delivered, and Pete doesn't even really notice him. Pete gets a garrote from his desk drawer and takes the elevator down to Patrick's lab, looking fierce and focused, ready to kill someone. Spencer gets his gear and his mask without saying anything, and he's ready to go when Pete comes over to the cave entrance. Pete looks over and finally seems to notice that Spencer is there. He says, "Listen, I'm going to tear this guy's arms off. You can take out whoever you like, whatever minions he's got. But I'm going to kill this moron with my hands."

Spencer holds up his gun. He says, "I've got another, if you want it."

Pete looks savage. He says, "Spencer, I will kill him with my hands."

Spencer's never seen Pete like this, didn't know Pete had anything like this in him. He stays back, watching Pete churn through armed guards, armored doors, watching him fight his way toward where Andy's being kept. Spencer doesn't know Andy too well, but he knows that Andy is Pete's Brendon, that if Brendon were hurt or missing Spencer would want to tear somebody apart. Pete finds Andy, finds the guy, and Spencer watches Pete go crazy for a few minutes before pulling him off the guy. Andy needs to go to the hospital, Spencer says, holding Pete's arms while he struggles to get away. Pete calms down, tugging his hands through his hair and saying, "Okay, okay," till his breathing goes back to normal, and then he takes Andy out to the car and drives him to the hospital.

Andy's fine, just a little dehydrated and a lot tired, and he goes to sleep on his hospital bed with Pete setting next to him, holding his hand, and then Pete gets up and goes out into the hall and starts kicking the shit out of some garbage can, because he didn't get to finish kicking the shit out of that fucking, fucking asshole. Spencer shows up just as Pete's winding down, and he takes Pete's arm and leads him over to a chair and says, "Hey, what the hell is your problem?"

Pete hunches over with his head in his hands and says, "Look. I don't have a lot of family. You guys, you're my family, and I don't want to lose that. And I don't want anyone to take that away from me. And I will tear anyone apart who tries to hurt you." He says it looking at his knees, and Spencer can see the blood on Pete's knuckles and his shaking shoulders and he thinks, Okay. He doesn't really know what to do with that information. Pete goes back into Andy's room and leaves Spencer sitting out there.

And Spencer's thinking. He didn't really think Pete cared about anything. Pete doesn't care about money, and he's good at the business but he isn't serious about it. Pete's got friends, and he fucks people but he's never serious about them. And Spencer's thinking, Okay, Pete's serious about his family. Spencer's come into Greta's office a couple of times when looking for a file or something, and Pete's been there, messing with a potted plant in the corner, and Pete's been in the lab with Patrick and Jon, just laughing and hanging out with them, or playing cards with Brendon, and Spencer thinks he's getting it, that maybe Pete decided Spencer was (god) family, and with Spencer came all of Spencer's people, and so Pete decided they were family, too. It's a weird thought. Spencer doesn't know if he's right.

Spencer goes into Andy's hospital room, and Pete's holding Andy's hand again. Spencer looks at Pete's fingers, the way he's gripping Andy's hand, and the flash of Pete's smile when he's talking to Andy, and Spencer thinks, Huh, okay.

Spencer didn't go with Pete to the hospital. He brought the kidnapper back to his mansion and locked him in a soundproof room before he went to the hospital and found Pete kicking the shit out of the wall and the garbage can. It's happened a couple times before that, okay, Pete will be like, "So you're never going to do this again, right?" and the bad guy will say, "Sure, totally, never again," and Pete'll say, "Okay!" and make like he's going to leave. And Spencer's always shocked, like, "You trust this guy?" Pete shrugs and says, "Sure. He promised, right?" And Spencer says, "Okay, you go, just go to your car." And after Pete leaves Spencer will spend some time with the bad guy, just talking quietly, holding a knife and speaking with his soft, serious voice. Spencer's really good at mild forms of torture, mostly the psychological stuff but also sometimes a broken finger, or a small knife wound. He usually spends a couple hours with the bad guy after Pete leaves, and he's always shaken and irritable for the next few days, because this is his job and he knows it, and he can do it well, but the fact that he's good at torturing people sometimes freaks him out.

So Spencer spends a day or so with Andy's kidnapper. He is Pete's family; Pete said so. Spencer doesn't think Andy told this guy anything, but just in case he did, or if the guy knows more than he was letting on in the ransom note, or if this guy told anybody else anything about Spencer's company -- Spencer has a lot of secrets, and if anybody found them out a lot of his friends and his employees could die. Pete could die. So Spencer spends a day with Andy's kidnapper, maybe two, finding out exactly what he knows. It turns out to be nothing, Spencer makes sure, and the next day at work Spencer can't really concentrate. He spends a lot of time staring at the pencils on his desk, and washing his hands more than he needs to.

Brendon's seen this before. He tells Greta to cancel any appointments Spencer has for the next couple of days, and then he calls Pete. He says, "Pete, man, Spencer's feeling kind of weird. You should, like, take him out for a drink or something." And Pete comes after work and takes Spencer to a dance club.

Spencer's horrified. He can't imagine what the fuck he's doing here. Pete drags him over to the bar and gets him a drink, and then another drink, and then another drink. Pete doesn't really know what's up with Spencer, but Spencer's this huge ball of tension and suppressed misery, and Pete just wants him back to normal. He keeps getting Spencer drinks, and it's somewhere near two in the morning when Spencer finally feels relaxed. His jacket's gone, he doesn't know where it went, and he's drunk out of his mind and out on the dance floor and he's moving, just moving, and people are touching him, and the music is pounding, and he doesn't have to think about anything.

Pete's been watching Spencer to make sure he's okay. He's thinking, there are a lot of people around Spencer, maybe it's making him kind of uncomfortable, and Spencer has a gun on his person, maybe two, and it wouldn't be good if these kids found them. Spencer's dancing with his eyes closed, but suddenly people's hands are gone, he has his own bubble of space around, and he opens his eyes and Pete's there. Spencer leans forward, he doesn't kiss Pete, just puts his head on Pete's shoulder and wraps his arm around Pete's waist and closes his eyes again, because Pete's here and Pete's taking care of him, so Spencer doesn't have to think or worry about anything right now.

They dance like that for another hour, and then Pete folds Spencer into his sports car and drives him back to the mansion. Brendon answers the door, and he says, "What the hell did you do to him?"

Spencer is bone tired, and someone spilled rum on his white shirt, and he has his hand fisted in the material at Pete's shoulder, and he looks like he's had the craziest night. Pete says, "Listen, it's cool," and tries to hand Spencer off to Brendon. It takes Spencer a minute to let go, and then Brendon's pulling him into the mansion and shutting the door.

Spencer sleeps for like twelve hours, and Pete comes over the next day while he's shuffling around the mansion, sleepy-eyed and a little bit hung-over. When Spencer sees Pete he freezes for a second -- because, okay, maybe he's thought about Pete every once in a while, because Pete's kind of sexy and he knows Spencer's life, he knows when it's hard and when it's fucking amazing. And Joe and Ryan have been together for a little while, and every third time Spencer goes down into the underground lair for some ammunition he catches Jon and Patrick necking, and sometimes Spencer just wants something, you know, for himself. And Spencer remembers everything about the club, and how they danced together, and he's sure Pete is going to be a dick about it because Pete's always a dick, but Pete just says, "Hey."

Spencer says, " . . . hey."

Pete says, "You wanna go eat dinner?"

Spencer says, "okay."

Pete's thinking, you know, he could totally sleep with Spencer. It wasn't really something he was expecting, but hey, sure. He knows he needs to give Spencer a while to process, though, so he visits the office and the mansion and whatever for three days before he says anything. He goes to Spencer's office one day, and he's messing with the stuff on Spencer's desk, until Spencer finally says, "What the hell do you want?"

Pete says, "I think we should sleep together."

Spencer gapes.

Pete says, "I think it's a good plan. You should put it in your calendar."

Spencer shuts his mouth, eyes wide.

Pete says, "Okay, I'm going out with Joe later, and then there's this party, and I'll be back at my place around eleven thirty. Call me if you want to." He taps Spencer's desk, grinning, and walks out.

Spencer's still sitting there a few minutes later. Greta pokes her head in the door and says, "Mr Smith, your four o'clock is on the phone."

Spencer says, "Uh. Yeah. Okay. Give me a minute." Greta leaves and Spencer tries to collect himself. It takes him a very long time.

Spencer doesn't go over to Pete's the night that Pete propositions him. Pete wasn't expecting him to. Spencer can move fast when he needs to, but he doesn't like being pressured, and he needs time to think things over, make sure he's making the right decision. And Pete's invitation is more like an open door policy. He has opened the door, and whenever Spencer wants to he can walk on through. Except, a couple weeks go by, and then a month, and Spencer doesn't make a move. And it's not that he isn't interested; Pete can tell. Sometimes when they're out on patrol Spencer just looks over at him and doesn't speak, and Pete can feel his neck get hot.

One time Pete was off beating up a purse snatcher while Spencer looked in on some guy trying to rob a bank with, like, TNT or something. By the time Pete got there, Spencer had his hands tied (in front of him, and Jesus, was this guy a moron or what?) and was propped up in a corner. Spencer looked up and saw Pete, and Pete knew exactly what Spencer was planning. He nodded.

Spencer said loudly, "You'll never get away with this."

The bank robber cackled but didn't look over. Spencer rolled his eyes at Pete, and pulled out the little switchblade he'd had tucked into his sleeve.

The timing was perfect and perfect, and everything came together -- the bank robber noticing Spencer's free hands just as Pete vaulted over the counter with his fighting sticks, Spencer going after the explosives -- it felt like seconds, although it had to have taken at least ten minutes. Spencer's feet were still bound, and Pete was riding high on adrenalin, feeling fucking amazing, and he knelt down by Spencer's feet and started cutting the rope away, holding Spencer's ankles. Spencer's breath caught, and Pete looked up at him, grinning. He couldn't see Spencer's face behind the mask, but Spencer's eyes looked like he was grinning, too. Pete's whole body was buzzing. Once the rope was cut, Pete held out a hand to help Spencer up, kept holding Spencer's hand, standing close, feeling fucking amazing, and he thought, This is it, this is perfect. But Spencer looked over at their bank robber, bound (hands behind him, thank you) and gagged and staring, and his shoulders straightened and he stepped back, all professional again, and no, Pete did not get laid that night, dammit.

So Pete's been very confused. He thinks maybe he's been going about this the wrong way. So, being Pete, he gets this great idea. He's going to have a party and invite Bill Beckett.

Pete throws this tiny, intimate party, just him and his friends, and Spencer's friends. Greta is there with Brendon, and Andy's there, and Jon and Patrick, and Beckett charms the hell out of everyone; even Spencer warms up to him a little. At one point in the evening, Pete and Beckett quietly slip away, up to Pete's room. Spencer sees them and gets really quiet. What he's thinking is, Oh, okay, so that's the way it is. He doesn't know why he ever thought anything different. Andy looks at Spencer's face and excuses himself from the party.

Andy knew what Pete was doing. Pete came to him with the idea of the party, and he was like, "I could totally kill two birds with one stone. I'll get Spencer to notice me, and I'll get to have sex with Bill again." Andy couldn't talk him out of doing it, but he said maybe Pete shouldn't sleep with Beckett, just go off somewhere for a little while, make it look like he did, and Pete was like, Okay, whatever. So Andy finds Pete and Beckett in Pete's room, just talking, and Pete looks up all excited and asks, "Is it working?"

Andy says, "Only detrimentally."

"What?"

"Pete, man, he's about to leave. I think you should get back to your party."

Pete runs downstairs, and Spencer's just getting into his coat. Pete runs over to him and grabs his arm and says, "Hey, you should stay."

Spencer doesn't look at him. "You seemed busy."

Pete says, "Listen, I'm really sorry about that. I just, I wanted to make you jealous. I didn't know if you even remembered my invitation, I -- I wanted to make you notice."

And Spencer stops, and looks at Pete. He doesn't know what to do with that information. The way he was thinking, Pete made a pass at him and then forgot about it when Spencer didn't follow through. That's what Pete does. If somebody turns him down, yeah, he's pissy, but Pete knows there's always another William Beckett, another whoever, and he doesn't really mind if this one says no. The way Spencer figured it, Pete made an offer, Spencer didn't follow up, Pete forgot about it and brought his latest toy to parade around in front of Spencer. What he didn't expect was that Pete would make an offer, Spencer wouldn't follow up, and Pete would wait for him, and when waiting didn't seem to be working Pete would cook up a plan to make Spencer notice. That Pete would put in so much effort. That doesn't jive with what he believes about Pete and relationships. He says, "You're an idiot," but he takes his coat off.

Spencer stays for the rest of the party, and things are a little awkward, a little tense, but not so bad. Spencer's quiet on the way back to his mansion, sitting up front with Brendon instead of by himself in the back. Brendon gets them back to the house, and then stops the car and turns to Spencer. He says, "Listen, most of the time I'm cool with letting you live your own life. You're a millionaire, you dress yourself, you've got your whole crime fighting thing -- you can totally make your own decisions. But you're an idiot. This is Pete Wentz. Pete wants to have sex with you, and he knows you, he knows what a dick you are and he still wants to have sex with you. If you're that worried about it going wrong, write up a contract. Like a pre-nup, or a pre-fuck or something. Figure out a way to divide the lair, make sure Jon and Patrick get visitation rights, whatever you need to do to feel comfortable. But please, for the love of god, just try it. Just once. You seriously need to get laid, and the tension between you two is killing me."

Spencer's like, " . . . I don't know what you're talking about." But he thinks, Okay, a contract. That might be a good idea.

The next day, Spencer gets Greta to cancel a couple of his appointments, and he sits down and starts writing up a pre-fuck contract. He's really worried, because he and Pete have this life that intersects at too many points, and if they had sex and something went wrong he'd have to rearrange way too much. He doesn't want to think about how hurt he'd be, or how much he'd miss Pete and Pete's friends. Spencer writes out every little thing that he thinks could go wrong, and what happens if A, or if B, all of it. About halfway through he stops and just sits, looking down at his contract. It has fucking bullet points. It says, "party of the first part" in like eight places. Spencer realizes what a ridiculous document this is. He is Spencer fucking Smith. He has this great business, and fighting crime is truly satisfying and can be really fun, and he has Pete, who's sexy and funny and knows everything about his life, Spencer doesn't need to hide or pretend or be anything he isn't, and Pete can match him blow for blow, and wants to, and Spencer's an idiot.

He keeps writing out the contract, laughing at himself the whole time and the more he writes the more ridiculous it gets. Part 37b, for instance, is all about the number of square footage within the lair that must be devoted to boats. Spencer will have no more than three boats, while Pete will have no more than two. Each of the boats must be the exact square footage of all the others, and if one of Pete's boats exceeds this limit, he must rent a canvas sail to Spencer for three and one half weeks. Spencer finishes it and prints it out, stamps "CONFIDENTIAL" all over it, and has Greta get a runner to courier it over to Pete's house so Andy can sign for it. It's the most official thing he's ever written.

He goes over to Pete's after work. Pete comes to the door himself, still dressed in his suit. Spencer says, "Did you read my contract?"

Pete yes, "Yes, and I have some points to discuss with you." He leads Spencer into the house, and Spencer thinks they're going to the den, or the dining room, or maybe (yes, please) the bedroom, but Pete leads Spencer to his office, and sits himself down behind his desk, and picks up Spencer's contract. He's made notes all over it, little circles and edits. Pete goes through the contract item by item, talking about how this one is fine, but he disagrees with this one on the grounds that it would interfere with his lifestyle . . . and on and on. He argues with Spencer about Spencer taking his fighting staffs: "You don't even like stick fighting."

"How do you know?"

Pete says, "Listen, you can take my extra motorcycle instead."

Spencer says, "But you love your motorcycles."

Pete says, "Yeah, well I love my fighting sticks, too. Besides, the motorcycle will be more use to you. You're a good aim, my friend, but your coordination sucks."

After item 13 or so, Spencer's like, "Okay, Pete, I get it," but Pete says, "Excuse me, I'm simply clarifying the terms you set out in your contract." This is totally Pete's way of getting back at Spencer for being a dumbass, and Spencer knows it. But at the same time, it's really fun to sit there with Pete and argue about whether, in the event of a post-fuck argument, Andy can enter Spencer's mansion through his lair, or if he has to use the front door. Spencer thinks, This could totally work, this me and Pete thing. After Pete's gone through all the items, they both sign their names, making it official, and Pete puts it in his safe. They shake on it, and then Spencer leans in and kisses Pete, reaching up to put a hand on the back of Pete's neck while his other hand is still holding Pete's, trapped in between their bodies, his knuckles brushing the fabric of Pete's tie. Spencer thinks maybe that was a tactical mistake, if he wanted to get to a bedroom. This time, they don't even make it out of the office.