Update
In which I spew some of the shit that's been going on in my life.
The last three to four weeks, I'm not even sure anymore, have been rough. Case in point, it's four in the morning because my brain decided two hours of sleep was plenty and nope I don't need more thankyouverymuch. And I more or less had a panic attack earlier this week. Blech. I've been horribly stressed and my health and mental state both reflect that.
Turns out my mom is getting married. To someone I didn't even knew existed, much less met, two weeks before she told me.
It wouldn't even be all that bad if my mom wouldn't expect me and my siblings to have this... loving parent-child relationship with the guy. Or if she told anyone anything about what he's like beyond the fact that apparently he meets the minimum basic requirements of a basic decent human. Or hey, they're getting married in June and she's moving in with him all the way over in Rhode Island right after. Or that hey the meet-and-greet isn't the day you thought it was, it's this upcoming Thursday.
Or that I just know that he will know a whole damn lot more about me than I will him and that's something I've 'fought' with her over before on not letting me control information about me that I see as very private. (some of you may remember that I'm diagnosed with a mental disorder, I had to learn key information about that diagnostic from overhearing her talk about it over the phone with someone who's a stranger to me) I say 'fought' because she sees the world a whole lot differently than how it actually is, such as if I'm upset with her it means that I HATE her and it's as though I've stabbed her in the heart, instead of "hey, what you're doing really bothers me and can we talk about this to fix it?".I just... feel betrayed and really, really hurt.
On the other hand, my relationship with my siblings has tightened up thanks to this catching all of us flat-footed. None of us are happy about it. I haven't been this close to my sister since before we were teenagers.
I've also been dealing with a storage unit worth of stuff my dad has dumped on me because he doesn't want it anymore, including all the Christmas decorations we had. I've must have taken six trips worth of books that didn't sell on Amazon or that he didn't want to the library as donations. And there's a bunch of stuff that was gifted to him from family, including a few things from back when my mom still celebrated holidays before she converted to a religion that banned them. (ie, I'm the eldest child and it was only my first birthday of the three of us that she ever celebrated) And now I hear that he's going traveling overseas, all in likelihood to find a bride-to-be that knows how to be a proper wife and will treat her husband the way he should be treated.
And I'm finding now that he's not in my everyday life anymore, all the manipulative toxic shit he's poured in my ear over the years. I mean, I knew that things were wrong for the longest time but distance does wonders for looking back. For reference, he's a middle-class cis, neurotypical, sexist, heterosexual white male, who was even the golden child of his family growing up. With whom I couldn't do anything right save for art, and only that was after another smart male (who is a friend of the family to be fair) told him in summary that big bucks could be made with my skill.
They haven't even been divorced a year. I just... if I hadn't found Heslestor before all the crap that has happen the last five years of my life, I don't know where I'd be right now. At the very least I'm sure I would have taken up and expanded on the self-harm habits I had when I was in school.
Internet? I know I haven't actively interacted with you much lately this last year or so, but I could use some virtual hugs right about now.
Originally posted at my dreamwidth account.
The last three to four weeks, I'm not even sure anymore, have been rough. Case in point, it's four in the morning because my brain decided two hours of sleep was plenty and nope I don't need more thankyouverymuch. And I more or less had a panic attack earlier this week. Blech. I've been horribly stressed and my health and mental state both reflect that.
Turns out my mom is getting married. To someone I didn't even knew existed, much less met, two weeks before she told me.
It wouldn't even be all that bad if my mom wouldn't expect me and my siblings to have this... loving parent-child relationship with the guy. Or if she told anyone anything about what he's like beyond the fact that apparently he meets the minimum basic requirements of a basic decent human. Or hey, they're getting married in June and she's moving in with him all the way over in Rhode Island right after. Or that hey the meet-and-greet isn't the day you thought it was, it's this upcoming Thursday.
Or that I just know that he will know a whole damn lot more about me than I will him and that's something I've 'fought' with her over before on not letting me control information about me that I see as very private. (some of you may remember that I'm diagnosed with a mental disorder, I had to learn key information about that diagnostic from overhearing her talk about it over the phone with someone who's a stranger to me) I say 'fought' because she sees the world a whole lot differently than how it actually is, such as if I'm upset with her it means that I HATE her and it's as though I've stabbed her in the heart, instead of "hey, what you're doing really bothers me and can we talk about this to fix it?".I just... feel betrayed and really, really hurt.
On the other hand, my relationship with my siblings has tightened up thanks to this catching all of us flat-footed. None of us are happy about it. I haven't been this close to my sister since before we were teenagers.
I've also been dealing with a storage unit worth of stuff my dad has dumped on me because he doesn't want it anymore, including all the Christmas decorations we had. I've must have taken six trips worth of books that didn't sell on Amazon or that he didn't want to the library as donations. And there's a bunch of stuff that was gifted to him from family, including a few things from back when my mom still celebrated holidays before she converted to a religion that banned them. (ie, I'm the eldest child and it was only my first birthday of the three of us that she ever celebrated) And now I hear that he's going traveling overseas, all in likelihood to find a bride-to-be that knows how to be a proper wife and will treat her husband the way he should be treated.
And I'm finding now that he's not in my everyday life anymore, all the manipulative toxic shit he's poured in my ear over the years. I mean, I knew that things were wrong for the longest time but distance does wonders for looking back. For reference, he's a middle-class cis, neurotypical, sexist, heterosexual white male, who was even the golden child of his family growing up. With whom I couldn't do anything right save for art, and only that was after another smart male (who is a friend of the family to be fair) told him in summary that big bucks could be made with my skill.
They haven't even been divorced a year. I just... if I hadn't found Heslestor before all the crap that has happen the last five years of my life, I don't know where I'd be right now. At the very least I'm sure I would have taken up and expanded on the self-harm habits I had when I was in school.
Internet? I know I haven't actively interacted with you much lately this last year or so, but I could use some virtual hugs right about now.
Originally posted at my dreamwidth account.