i don't want to save the bliss for never...
it's the fifth of december already...
just 21 more days to go... and it'll be my birthday... i'll be turning 20. i won't be a teen anymore.
and i can't help but feel... all mixed up inside.
as i was walking from talaba to zapote kalinisan on my way back here, i felt... a lot of things. it would probably be hard to understand, as i always seem to be contradicting myself. but i'm not. it's just that... i always feel so many things all at the same time. how could anyone possibly feel contentment and emptiness at the same time? eh, but i do. or maybe i just think i do? eeeek. see what i mean?
i'm always so torn between fighting and giving up, between aspiring for more and wanting contentment, between lashing out and keeping quiet... between striving for perpetual sunshine and wallowing in sorrow...
between fighting for my life and wanting to die at the same time. why fight? what is there for me if i keep on living? why surrender to the throes of death? what is there for me in the afterlife? does wanting to die automatically equate to being a coward? or just plain resignation? or the loss of hope? or something else?
*sigh*
there are times when i feel as if i've learned and grown so much... and there are times when i feel as if i'm exactly the same person i always were. but i know that there are lots of Geraldines inside of me, Geraldines i've grown to hate or love, to ignore or nurture. and there might be Geraldines inside of me that i have yet to discover. those that would, in time, hopefully show me what it is that i'm here for.
hopefully, i would be able to carve a niche in this world for myself... leave pieces of me behind.