I've finished a fic! ^_^
I'm now mostly procrastinating XD I spend a lot of time in front of the computer, trying to catch up with everything... And listening to AWAKE *_*
Ow, I love this album, ♥♥♥ It's just so perfect... I like it much better than Smile, and I like Smile a lot ^_^ I'm so happy it's finally released (well, technically it is, now, as it's already Wednesday in Japan XD).
I'm going to a convention to Gdansk this weekend, and I'm looking forward to it ^_^ I haven't been to a convention for ages~ I'll miss my fiancee ;_; But we'll see each other soon and have a lot of time to spend together ^___^
I've started to make myself a Hello shirt *_* I've already painted the wings and the 'HYDEIST' sign on the back with acrylic paint and I'm going to iron it tommorow and than work on the front ^_^
And I've finally finished a fic! ^_^ I'm terrible at inventing titles, though, so it's entitled "Distance", but I know it's not a good title >.> It's sakuhai, and it's angsty, so don't say I haven't warned you XD I'm sure there are a lot of errors, but I don't really know how to correct them. Gomen ^^;
x-posted to sakuhai, go join! ^_^
Title: Distance
Author: inidhil
Pairing: SakuraxHyde
Fandom: L'Arc~en~Ciel
Theme: #4. Our distance and that person.
Rating: R, to be safe.
Disclaimer: I do not own L'Arc~en~Ciel (no matter how much I'd love to), and I surely know nothing about what really happens between the members; therefore, my work is purely fictional.
Notes: The lines in italics are a translation of a certain song, the credit goes mostly to centigrade-j.com.
Do you know how it feels, when you write lyrics to a song and discover their true meaning long years after?
~*~
I heard him opening the door and coming inside the room, but I didn't lift up my head. He stood there for a moment, and then I sensed him walking to me. He brushed my hair lightly and kissed me on the forehead. It was the moment I eventually looked at him, trying to make my face express disappointment.
"You're ruining my concentration, Sakura" I said, pouting.
He smiled at me, leaned forward and kissed me on the lips. I felt a familiar scent, of the cigarettes we both smoked. He tasted like tobacco and mint.
"You know I can't resist you when you pout," he said, sitting by the table right opposite me.
"I know." I smiled teasingly and looked at him. He was as beautiful as ever. His dark hair, growing longer and longer these days, his brown eyes, deep as pools, his thin lips whose taste still lingered on mine... He was perfect. He was mine.
"What are you working on, Hyde?" he asked, looking curiously at the piece of paper that was lying in front of me.
"Lyrics," I answered simply. "You know, to that new Tetsu's song. I like the music very much and I want the lyrics to go with it."
"Oh, I see. I won't be bothering you, then. Good luck. Will you tell me when you're finished, so we can go out and eat something?"
"Sure," I smiled at him. "But I think I prefer to stay in today."
"That's even better. I'll order some pizza."
"Sakura! That's not a healthy thing to eat."
"Nor is smoking a healthy thing to do, Hyde. Don't you talk to me about health, dear."
"Well, whatever you say. But you're paying!" I grinned.
"As I always am." He laughed and walked out of the room, closing the door.
~*~
I'd had a strange feeling writing these lyrics. I wanted them to be the best, and tried to think about what I should say through the song. I wanted to imagine a person loosing their understanding with their significant other, and I think I succeeded. However, I've never thought it to apply to me. Never.
I've always been an optimist.
~*~
He came to my room once again, walked to me and stopped behind my chair. Leaning down, he put his arms around my shoulders and kissed me softly on the neck.
"Have you finished already?" he whispered right into my ear.
"Yeah, I think I have..." I answered. "You want to read it?"
"I'm already doing it." He laughed quietly, and remained silent for a moment. "Very beautiful, Hyde. I think it's one of your best works."
"You're exaggerating, as always."
"No I'm not! Of course, your lyrics are always great."
"That's because you're a good inspiration." I smiled.
"Oh-" his voice gave out his surprise. "You never tell me such things."
"I don't? Well then, I think I should start," I said half jokingly, but he suddenly became serious.
"Was I an inspiration for this song too?" he asked, his voice felt cold.
"I... no, Sakura, it's not like that," I stuttered, surprised by the sudden change. "I... we... I would never want us to be like that. You know that, don't you?"
I know I sounded scared; I was frightened.
He must have noticed that; his voice became warmer, and he smiled at me lightly.
"I know, little one," he whispered, his hand gently caressing my cheek. I shivered at the touch and closed my eyes, absorbing all the feelings hidden in that simple gesture. I felt his lips on my forehead, and I lifted my head, meeting them with mine. Melting into the kiss, I put my arms around his neck, bringing him closer to me, closing the distance between our bodies. His fingers were entangled in my hair, he smelled of tobacco and mint and I knew I loved it, as it was him.
He broke the kiss when we were both out of breath, panting for air. He gently put a finger on my lips.
"Not now, Haido." He smiled and took my hand. "I'm starving. Let's go and eat the pizza, ne?"
I nodded, smiling back, and followed him into the living room.
~*~
When we would have sex, he was always gentle and caring. He would never insist, but I would always know when he wanted to have me closer. If he kissed me then, I would respond with deepening the kiss, making it an invitation. And then suddenly my feet would loose their contact with the carpet, and I would wrap my arms around his neck, not letting it even after he'd put me on the bed. I would feel his hands gently caressing my body, his lips working their way down ever so slowly, and the warmth of his eyes, like two deep pools, dragging me deeper. He would never rush, always waiting till moans of pleasure start escaping my mouth, and only then he would bring me the pain I loved so much. Fingers entwined, our bodies as one, we would search for our mutual rhythm, the one we knew so well. Our voices would vibrate in the air, when waves of pleasure would run through our bodies.
I can still hear the way he would cry out my name.
With the last bits of pleasure still lingering in my body, I would snuggle closely to him, and he would put his arms around me. It was never uncomfortable, and I wanted to feel his warmth, his skin against mine. He would play with my hair, curling the strands around his fingers; he would plant light kisses on my shoulders... Then he would kiss my forehead and doze off, as warm silence shrouded us gently.
But I couldn't sleep then. I would lie wide-awake, suddenly scared by my own thoughts. I didn't know what was the thing I feared, but it only seemed to go away if I cuddled even closer, wanting us to become one, wanting to get rid of all of the distance between us. He would wrap his arms tighter around me, even in his sleep trying to keep me warm. Only then I would finally fall asleep, only after ensuring myself he was really there.
~*~
A few days later, I gave the lyric to Tetsu. He liked them really much, he said they suited the music. Ken also seemed to approve them (not that he could say much about it - I shall ensure myself not to let him write any lyrics for me to sing). We practiced the song a lot, and the words sounded better and better, seemed to gain new meanings. I was quite proud of myself, really.
But I've never discussed the song with Sakura. It was just... It didn't even seem awkward, we just behaved like it never existed. I hoped he wasn't hurt because of my statement back then, I never meant it the way he understood it.
Even if I try to line up all my words, they won't reach you.
I felt something strange, a sensation building inside of me, but wasn't sure what it was. He sometimes seemed to completely misunderstand what I said, he found meanings that weren't even there. But all the other times it was absolutely fine, and I didn't want to dig deeper.
I think I was simply scared.
~*~
I keep feeling something is wrong...
And the feeling increased gradually. There were times when we were really, truly happy, but also nights when he came back late, didn't want to speak to me and instantly fell asleep. In the morning he acted as if nothing happened, and even if I wanted to talk about it, I was too afraid to ask.
I had the feeling it would all come tumbling down if I did.
~*~
I don't even remember how it all happened. I woke up one day, realizing that if I don't do anything about it, noone will. I decided to face him that day, to talk it all over, hoping that together we could survive everything.
But I was late.
He went out before I awoke, leaving me a card on the table, saying he went to get some food. But when he didn't return before our scheduled practice, I started to get worried. I called Tetsu to say that we're going to be late, but the bassist's voice seemed surprised.
"I just got a call from the police," he said. I felt a sudden weakness and sat heavily on the floor, clutching the receiver close to my ear.
"Wh- what?" I stuttered. I couldn't recognize my own voice.
"I thought you were the first to know..." he said slowly. A cold feeling crept up from my stomach, reaching my heart. "Haido, Sakura got arrested for drug possession."
I was silent. I couldn't utter a single word, I couldn't make myself answer Tetsu, I just listened to my heart barely pounding in my chest. Like a caged bird, I thought to myself and started laughing hysterically, at the same time feeling tears running down my face.
I can only remember fragments of what happened next. I know Tetsu came and seeing the state I was in - I didn't even bother to put down the receiver - tried to help me somehow, comfort me. He didn't have to say anything, just held me closely.
But there was nothing anyone could do, then.
~*~
We visited him the next day. I did my best to keep myself from doing anything rash, impulsive.
He looked at me and I saw pain in his eyes. I bit my lip forcefully, trying not to break into tears and felt the metallic taste of blood on my tongue. I wanted him to hold me, to tell me it was going to be all right, but there was a cold glass between us. He eyed me closely and I knew he read all my thoughts, I knew he understood, as he always did.
But why did he suddenly look away?
~*~
"We're suspended, Hyde." Tetsu's voice was quiet. My eyes widened.
"And it means...?"
"It means that if we don't solve it, we're going to be disbanded, goddamnit! Or be forced to look for a new company."
I looked at him and saw anger in his eyes, but it was soon replaced with worry. He dragged me closer and embraced me. "He's also my friend, Hyde... But I don't want to loose all we've been working so hard for."
I nodded in agreement, but felt the knot in my stomach tightening. Even if I hoped for a happy ending, there wasn't much of the hope left.
~*~
Sakura left the band a few weeks later. There was a press conference, he said that the departure was his own decision and that he was very sorry for all the trouble.
It all ended just like that.
It seems these spinning times have taken our promise.
I didn't really talk to him after that. We were separated for too long, and I was still scared of getting hurt more. I think he knew it, sensed it and understood.
Just like he always did.
~*~
It all looks like it's alright now. We were publicly reconciled. We spent some time together, the five of us.
Ken wanted him as a drummer in his band, Tetsu's anger was long gone, Yuki liked him, even though their attitude towards drumming was so different. He played for me in a few of my lives and we both were happy that we could perform together, once again.
But too much time has passed, to many words were spoken, too many things done. Or - not done, perhaps... Too many hours had I spent looking blankly at the place he used to sleep. There's no going back to what we used to have.
We still perform that song, sometimes. My voice never trembles, even though I feel every word piercing right through my soul. I curse myself silently, but my face is always smiling.
Kokoro wa... hanarete.
Ow, I love this album, ♥♥♥ It's just so perfect... I like it much better than Smile, and I like Smile a lot ^_^ I'm so happy it's finally released (well, technically it is, now, as it's already Wednesday in Japan XD).
I'm going to a convention to Gdansk this weekend, and I'm looking forward to it ^_^ I haven't been to a convention for ages~ I'll miss my fiancee ;_; But we'll see each other soon and have a lot of time to spend together ^___^
I've started to make myself a Hello shirt *_* I've already painted the wings and the 'HYDEIST' sign on the back with acrylic paint and I'm going to iron it tommorow and than work on the front ^_^
And I've finally finished a fic! ^_^ I'm terrible at inventing titles, though, so it's entitled "Distance", but I know it's not a good title >.> It's sakuhai, and it's angsty, so don't say I haven't warned you XD I'm sure there are a lot of errors, but I don't really know how to correct them. Gomen ^^;
x-posted to sakuhai, go join! ^_^
Title: Distance
Author: inidhil
Pairing: SakuraxHyde
Fandom: L'Arc~en~Ciel
Theme: #4. Our distance and that person.
Rating: R, to be safe.
Disclaimer: I do not own L'Arc~en~Ciel (no matter how much I'd love to), and I surely know nothing about what really happens between the members; therefore, my work is purely fictional.
Notes: The lines in italics are a translation of a certain song, the credit goes mostly to centigrade-j.com.
Do you know how it feels, when you write lyrics to a song and discover their true meaning long years after?
~*~
I heard him opening the door and coming inside the room, but I didn't lift up my head. He stood there for a moment, and then I sensed him walking to me. He brushed my hair lightly and kissed me on the forehead. It was the moment I eventually looked at him, trying to make my face express disappointment.
"You're ruining my concentration, Sakura" I said, pouting.
He smiled at me, leaned forward and kissed me on the lips. I felt a familiar scent, of the cigarettes we both smoked. He tasted like tobacco and mint.
"You know I can't resist you when you pout," he said, sitting by the table right opposite me.
"I know." I smiled teasingly and looked at him. He was as beautiful as ever. His dark hair, growing longer and longer these days, his brown eyes, deep as pools, his thin lips whose taste still lingered on mine... He was perfect. He was mine.
"What are you working on, Hyde?" he asked, looking curiously at the piece of paper that was lying in front of me.
"Lyrics," I answered simply. "You know, to that new Tetsu's song. I like the music very much and I want the lyrics to go with it."
"Oh, I see. I won't be bothering you, then. Good luck. Will you tell me when you're finished, so we can go out and eat something?"
"Sure," I smiled at him. "But I think I prefer to stay in today."
"That's even better. I'll order some pizza."
"Sakura! That's not a healthy thing to eat."
"Nor is smoking a healthy thing to do, Hyde. Don't you talk to me about health, dear."
"Well, whatever you say. But you're paying!" I grinned.
"As I always am." He laughed and walked out of the room, closing the door.
~*~
I'd had a strange feeling writing these lyrics. I wanted them to be the best, and tried to think about what I should say through the song. I wanted to imagine a person loosing their understanding with their significant other, and I think I succeeded. However, I've never thought it to apply to me. Never.
I've always been an optimist.
~*~
He came to my room once again, walked to me and stopped behind my chair. Leaning down, he put his arms around my shoulders and kissed me softly on the neck.
"Have you finished already?" he whispered right into my ear.
"Yeah, I think I have..." I answered. "You want to read it?"
"I'm already doing it." He laughed quietly, and remained silent for a moment. "Very beautiful, Hyde. I think it's one of your best works."
"You're exaggerating, as always."
"No I'm not! Of course, your lyrics are always great."
"That's because you're a good inspiration." I smiled.
"Oh-" his voice gave out his surprise. "You never tell me such things."
"I don't? Well then, I think I should start," I said half jokingly, but he suddenly became serious.
"Was I an inspiration for this song too?" he asked, his voice felt cold.
"I... no, Sakura, it's not like that," I stuttered, surprised by the sudden change. "I... we... I would never want us to be like that. You know that, don't you?"
I know I sounded scared; I was frightened.
He must have noticed that; his voice became warmer, and he smiled at me lightly.
"I know, little one," he whispered, his hand gently caressing my cheek. I shivered at the touch and closed my eyes, absorbing all the feelings hidden in that simple gesture. I felt his lips on my forehead, and I lifted my head, meeting them with mine. Melting into the kiss, I put my arms around his neck, bringing him closer to me, closing the distance between our bodies. His fingers were entangled in my hair, he smelled of tobacco and mint and I knew I loved it, as it was him.
He broke the kiss when we were both out of breath, panting for air. He gently put a finger on my lips.
"Not now, Haido." He smiled and took my hand. "I'm starving. Let's go and eat the pizza, ne?"
I nodded, smiling back, and followed him into the living room.
~*~
When we would have sex, he was always gentle and caring. He would never insist, but I would always know when he wanted to have me closer. If he kissed me then, I would respond with deepening the kiss, making it an invitation. And then suddenly my feet would loose their contact with the carpet, and I would wrap my arms around his neck, not letting it even after he'd put me on the bed. I would feel his hands gently caressing my body, his lips working their way down ever so slowly, and the warmth of his eyes, like two deep pools, dragging me deeper. He would never rush, always waiting till moans of pleasure start escaping my mouth, and only then he would bring me the pain I loved so much. Fingers entwined, our bodies as one, we would search for our mutual rhythm, the one we knew so well. Our voices would vibrate in the air, when waves of pleasure would run through our bodies.
I can still hear the way he would cry out my name.
With the last bits of pleasure still lingering in my body, I would snuggle closely to him, and he would put his arms around me. It was never uncomfortable, and I wanted to feel his warmth, his skin against mine. He would play with my hair, curling the strands around his fingers; he would plant light kisses on my shoulders... Then he would kiss my forehead and doze off, as warm silence shrouded us gently.
But I couldn't sleep then. I would lie wide-awake, suddenly scared by my own thoughts. I didn't know what was the thing I feared, but it only seemed to go away if I cuddled even closer, wanting us to become one, wanting to get rid of all of the distance between us. He would wrap his arms tighter around me, even in his sleep trying to keep me warm. Only then I would finally fall asleep, only after ensuring myself he was really there.
~*~
A few days later, I gave the lyric to Tetsu. He liked them really much, he said they suited the music. Ken also seemed to approve them (not that he could say much about it - I shall ensure myself not to let him write any lyrics for me to sing). We practiced the song a lot, and the words sounded better and better, seemed to gain new meanings. I was quite proud of myself, really.
But I've never discussed the song with Sakura. It was just... It didn't even seem awkward, we just behaved like it never existed. I hoped he wasn't hurt because of my statement back then, I never meant it the way he understood it.
Even if I try to line up all my words, they won't reach you.
I felt something strange, a sensation building inside of me, but wasn't sure what it was. He sometimes seemed to completely misunderstand what I said, he found meanings that weren't even there. But all the other times it was absolutely fine, and I didn't want to dig deeper.
I think I was simply scared.
~*~
I keep feeling something is wrong...
And the feeling increased gradually. There were times when we were really, truly happy, but also nights when he came back late, didn't want to speak to me and instantly fell asleep. In the morning he acted as if nothing happened, and even if I wanted to talk about it, I was too afraid to ask.
I had the feeling it would all come tumbling down if I did.
~*~
I don't even remember how it all happened. I woke up one day, realizing that if I don't do anything about it, noone will. I decided to face him that day, to talk it all over, hoping that together we could survive everything.
But I was late.
He went out before I awoke, leaving me a card on the table, saying he went to get some food. But when he didn't return before our scheduled practice, I started to get worried. I called Tetsu to say that we're going to be late, but the bassist's voice seemed surprised.
"I just got a call from the police," he said. I felt a sudden weakness and sat heavily on the floor, clutching the receiver close to my ear.
"Wh- what?" I stuttered. I couldn't recognize my own voice.
"I thought you were the first to know..." he said slowly. A cold feeling crept up from my stomach, reaching my heart. "Haido, Sakura got arrested for drug possession."
I was silent. I couldn't utter a single word, I couldn't make myself answer Tetsu, I just listened to my heart barely pounding in my chest. Like a caged bird, I thought to myself and started laughing hysterically, at the same time feeling tears running down my face.
I can only remember fragments of what happened next. I know Tetsu came and seeing the state I was in - I didn't even bother to put down the receiver - tried to help me somehow, comfort me. He didn't have to say anything, just held me closely.
But there was nothing anyone could do, then.
~*~
We visited him the next day. I did my best to keep myself from doing anything rash, impulsive.
He looked at me and I saw pain in his eyes. I bit my lip forcefully, trying not to break into tears and felt the metallic taste of blood on my tongue. I wanted him to hold me, to tell me it was going to be all right, but there was a cold glass between us. He eyed me closely and I knew he read all my thoughts, I knew he understood, as he always did.
But why did he suddenly look away?
~*~
"We're suspended, Hyde." Tetsu's voice was quiet. My eyes widened.
"And it means...?"
"It means that if we don't solve it, we're going to be disbanded, goddamnit! Or be forced to look for a new company."
I looked at him and saw anger in his eyes, but it was soon replaced with worry. He dragged me closer and embraced me. "He's also my friend, Hyde... But I don't want to loose all we've been working so hard for."
I nodded in agreement, but felt the knot in my stomach tightening. Even if I hoped for a happy ending, there wasn't much of the hope left.
~*~
Sakura left the band a few weeks later. There was a press conference, he said that the departure was his own decision and that he was very sorry for all the trouble.
It all ended just like that.
It seems these spinning times have taken our promise.
I didn't really talk to him after that. We were separated for too long, and I was still scared of getting hurt more. I think he knew it, sensed it and understood.
Just like he always did.
~*~
It all looks like it's alright now. We were publicly reconciled. We spent some time together, the five of us.
Ken wanted him as a drummer in his band, Tetsu's anger was long gone, Yuki liked him, even though their attitude towards drumming was so different. He played for me in a few of my lives and we both were happy that we could perform together, once again.
But too much time has passed, to many words were spoken, too many things done. Or - not done, perhaps... Too many hours had I spent looking blankly at the place he used to sleep. There's no going back to what we used to have.
We still perform that song, sometimes. My voice never trembles, even though I feel every word piercing right through my soul. I curse myself silently, but my face is always smiling.
Kokoro wa... hanarete.