Happy Ash Wednesday!
Happy Ash Wednesday Everyone!
I'll admit, I don't know too much about the Christian calendar or the Lenten Season & I know very few people that are actually participating in Lent so... this actually won't be an entry focusing on Lent but I did feel the desire to at least recognize it since I'm journaling this day. & in the spirit of repentance of sin I actually have something to share in relation.
I've had a nagging headache all day so after a test in my last class for the day I decided to just head home. My day actually wasn't too bad considering - I had really dreaded this week because I had my first exams & a bunch of homework due & I wasn't looking forward to having a nervous breakdown after the long week I had last week but by the grace of God, it all went really smoothly & I actually didn't get that stressed at all! I totally praise God for granting me that peace of mind... I was definitely anticipating a freakout & it didn't happen lol Anyway, classes & tests went fine & I read through the rest of Romans outloud in the park today. The weather's been so nice =)
So after my test I came home & decided to clean out the stuff on my computer desktop because it's just been building to a clutter over time. I was opening up documents & rereading them & deleting them if they were outdated or filing them away in other folders if needed when I came across a... disturbing piece of my own written work. I'm not going to share it all in full here because it was definitely written out of anger & hatred before I came to Christ - I was actually in Ecuador over the summer & had gotten into a heated argument with me mom no doubt so I just blew off steam by journaling this out in a Word document. I know you all are like, Um okay Jessica so... what's your point? If this is so negative, why are you sharing it here?
I'm sharing it because even though it was painful & a little horrifying to know & remember those thoughts coming from my head, there were some things that caught my attention & made me go "Whoa..." because... it was something I wrote & was going through then that I didn't realize the importance of but that definitely pertains to what I know & feel now. Anyway, enough mystery; here are the parts I want to share, dated July 11, 2007:
"Everyone is so f***ing self centered. All they think about is themselves. They are not God-fearing. They fail to repent for their sins. And for that they will go to hell and suffer."
"My mother and father have made the worst kinds of mistakes. And I refuse to turn out like them. Always struggling. Always making the wrong choices. Always paying for the sh** they have done. I refuse. I will break away and succeed. Persevere. I surrender myself to the higher power. So much has changed since I’ve been here. I doubted God. But this song has made me realize what I have become.
[Lyrics] Baptized to the river - I’ve seen a vision of my life and I want to be delivered.
In this city was a sinner - I’ve done a lot of things wrong but I swear I’m a believer.
Like the prodigal son, I was out on my own. Now I’m trying to find my way back home."
Okay WHOA. WHOA. There's a lot in all of that & I'm not proud of it. Yes, it's passionate & angry & hateful & selfish & even just plain wrong at times & I say some pretty awful things about my parents... & even though I mentioned some pretty profound things in there too, I've never related any of these things to my walk or journey back to God. I mean I didn't even believe in a God at that time in my life but I do remember that song weighing on me during that trip. It's called The River by Good Charlotte & actually, it was one of the first things gave a lot of thought to & shared with Stephen when I first started trying to find my way back to Christ. I listened to that song over & over again on the trip & it was hitting me hard because I knew I was a sinner but I had no faith. I had no hope. I think part of me really wanted to believe but I didn't. I really wanted deliverance from the life I hated & the things I did & the feelings I felt but I had no idea how.
Finding this really whoaed me. I didn't realize it then but I had the desire to be saved & to be with God. I remember at the lowest point on that trip, I sat in my mom's bedroom growing up, in the dark, headphones in, listening to the River & crying, desperate, palms out & open. I don't know why I did that at the time, I was just so desperate & distraught... but now I think somewhere something deep inside me was crying out for God, offering myself up because I didn't want to do it on my own anymore. I thought I wanted to give up & give in but now I see I wanted to give my life to God to save.
That was on July & those of you who know me personally know I didn't get saved til November. I wasn't even looking for spirituality at all in those 5 months. After that trip I went back to life. I continued to do crappy things. No epiphany, no life-changing choices, no lasting impressions & even though I had acknowledged God & truth & desire in the rawness of my writing, I still didn't believe he existed after all. I didn't change at all. I went back to school & work & did whatever. But dude... finding that today was just whoa-ing... I can't believe I wrote those things & felt that way & have since been saved & miraculously happy with my new life in Christ. I wonder if God heard me cry out that passed summer... or maybe He had planned for me to get saved all this time all along. Who knows? Well... He does of course ;)
Thanks for reading ♥
In His Love,
Jess
I'll admit, I don't know too much about the Christian calendar or the Lenten Season & I know very few people that are actually participating in Lent so... this actually won't be an entry focusing on Lent but I did feel the desire to at least recognize it since I'm journaling this day. & in the spirit of repentance of sin I actually have something to share in relation.
I've had a nagging headache all day so after a test in my last class for the day I decided to just head home. My day actually wasn't too bad considering - I had really dreaded this week because I had my first exams & a bunch of homework due & I wasn't looking forward to having a nervous breakdown after the long week I had last week but by the grace of God, it all went really smoothly & I actually didn't get that stressed at all! I totally praise God for granting me that peace of mind... I was definitely anticipating a freakout & it didn't happen lol Anyway, classes & tests went fine & I read through the rest of Romans outloud in the park today. The weather's been so nice =)
So after my test I came home & decided to clean out the stuff on my computer desktop because it's just been building to a clutter over time. I was opening up documents & rereading them & deleting them if they were outdated or filing them away in other folders if needed when I came across a... disturbing piece of my own written work. I'm not going to share it all in full here because it was definitely written out of anger & hatred before I came to Christ - I was actually in Ecuador over the summer & had gotten into a heated argument with me mom no doubt so I just blew off steam by journaling this out in a Word document. I know you all are like, Um okay Jessica so... what's your point? If this is so negative, why are you sharing it here?
I'm sharing it because even though it was painful & a little horrifying to know & remember those thoughts coming from my head, there were some things that caught my attention & made me go "Whoa..." because... it was something I wrote & was going through then that I didn't realize the importance of but that definitely pertains to what I know & feel now. Anyway, enough mystery; here are the parts I want to share, dated July 11, 2007:
"Everyone is so f***ing self centered. All they think about is themselves. They are not God-fearing. They fail to repent for their sins. And for that they will go to hell and suffer."
"My mother and father have made the worst kinds of mistakes. And I refuse to turn out like them. Always struggling. Always making the wrong choices. Always paying for the sh** they have done. I refuse. I will break away and succeed. Persevere. I surrender myself to the higher power. So much has changed since I’ve been here. I doubted God. But this song has made me realize what I have become.
[Lyrics] Baptized to the river - I’ve seen a vision of my life and I want to be delivered.
In this city was a sinner - I’ve done a lot of things wrong but I swear I’m a believer.
Like the prodigal son, I was out on my own. Now I’m trying to find my way back home."
Okay WHOA. WHOA. There's a lot in all of that & I'm not proud of it. Yes, it's passionate & angry & hateful & selfish & even just plain wrong at times & I say some pretty awful things about my parents... & even though I mentioned some pretty profound things in there too, I've never related any of these things to my walk or journey back to God. I mean I didn't even believe in a God at that time in my life but I do remember that song weighing on me during that trip. It's called The River by Good Charlotte & actually, it was one of the first things gave a lot of thought to & shared with Stephen when I first started trying to find my way back to Christ. I listened to that song over & over again on the trip & it was hitting me hard because I knew I was a sinner but I had no faith. I had no hope. I think part of me really wanted to believe but I didn't. I really wanted deliverance from the life I hated & the things I did & the feelings I felt but I had no idea how.
Finding this really whoaed me. I didn't realize it then but I had the desire to be saved & to be with God. I remember at the lowest point on that trip, I sat in my mom's bedroom growing up, in the dark, headphones in, listening to the River & crying, desperate, palms out & open. I don't know why I did that at the time, I was just so desperate & distraught... but now I think somewhere something deep inside me was crying out for God, offering myself up because I didn't want to do it on my own anymore. I thought I wanted to give up & give in but now I see I wanted to give my life to God to save.
That was on July & those of you who know me personally know I didn't get saved til November. I wasn't even looking for spirituality at all in those 5 months. After that trip I went back to life. I continued to do crappy things. No epiphany, no life-changing choices, no lasting impressions & even though I had acknowledged God & truth & desire in the rawness of my writing, I still didn't believe he existed after all. I didn't change at all. I went back to school & work & did whatever. But dude... finding that today was just whoa-ing... I can't believe I wrote those things & felt that way & have since been saved & miraculously happy with my new life in Christ. I wonder if God heard me cry out that passed summer... or maybe He had planned for me to get saved all this time all along. Who knows? Well... He does of course ;)
Thanks for reading ♥
In His Love,
Jess