no one here wants to fight me like you do
the last couple of days have been...surreal. i've felt kind of like a character in a novel. not even a good novel, like some shitty $3.95 supermarket "young adult" paperback that pegs eighteen year old girls like myself as overdramatic sacks of flesh that don't really deserve to breathe.
or, oh wait, maybe that's just how i feel.
let's just say that i've maintained a two-day streak of crying on the phone in bathrooms. and i've broken my seven-day streak of not smoking tonight, counting on the nicotine to calm my jangling nerves (it has the same effect as a huge fucking cup of coffee, only with more dizziness. +1 for cigarettes!).
this entire world has felt turned absolutely on its end for god knows how long. people i trusted with my ENTIRE LIFE, people i thought i would ALWAYS, ALWAYS be able to count on for non-awkward conversation and comfort were ripped away from me. that's not to say that it was anyone's fault. i was heartbroken. i guess i still am, kind of, thinking about it; but it's all me, it's all my stupid insecurities and naiveté that had me hardcore convinced that would never speak to these people again because they made me feel abandoned (whether i really was abandoned or not wasn't really the issue).
take angie. anyone who cares enough to read this far in the entry probably knows what happened between angie & i this fall, what happened when i went away to school and she stayed in the city. i guess it was expected, especially given our history of annual autumn knock-down drag-out blowout arguments (uhh...most of which were my fault entirely). in october i had kind of written angie off as a friend because i thought we had just gotten really old and jaded and just...different.
but goddamn. GODDAMN do i love angie. i think she is amazing and she is so important to me. there was some sort of turning point when i realized that i couldn't not be friends with angie, you know? so much of my life, my history, is wrapped up in her. even though she doesn't recognize the "COMEDIC GOLD" that is pokey the penguin, she is still one of the funniest people EVER and, i don't know. i'm being kind of sappy but i am pretty proud of myself for recognizing her value not just to ME, but to other people and in general as a human. angela leigh is good, period.
dasies636: egg nog!
ps i love jlo: HAHA
dasies636: malloween nog!
dasies636: a tidle wave of marshelade!
dasies636: did you work today?!?
ps i love jlo: haha YES
dasies636: I WENT THERE LOOKING FOR YOU
dasies636: it was like a mecca
ps i love jlo: WHAT
ps i love jlo: WHEN
dasies636: 'THE BRADDY! WHERE IS THE BRADDY!'
ps i love jlo: HAHAHHA
dasies636: 4 o'clock
ps i love jlo: whoa i was in the back
dasies636: I CALLED YOU TWICE
dasies636: and coughed by the back door
dasies636: twice.
dasies636: I just thought of something
dasies636: alpha
dasies636: beta
dasies636: alphabetical
dasies636: alpha
dasies636: beta
dasies636: alphabetical
so, um. angie not hating me is pretty much proof that even when i am a monumental stupid jerk, people can still stand to be around me. this has happened a lot, unfortunately, and gives me some sort of hope.
now excuse me while i write an apologetic email because i am a stupid jerk.
ps. the word "trickery" makes me giggle like nobody's business.
or, oh wait, maybe that's just how i feel.
let's just say that i've maintained a two-day streak of crying on the phone in bathrooms. and i've broken my seven-day streak of not smoking tonight, counting on the nicotine to calm my jangling nerves (it has the same effect as a huge fucking cup of coffee, only with more dizziness. +1 for cigarettes!).
this entire world has felt turned absolutely on its end for god knows how long. people i trusted with my ENTIRE LIFE, people i thought i would ALWAYS, ALWAYS be able to count on for non-awkward conversation and comfort were ripped away from me. that's not to say that it was anyone's fault. i was heartbroken. i guess i still am, kind of, thinking about it; but it's all me, it's all my stupid insecurities and naiveté that had me hardcore convinced that would never speak to these people again because they made me feel abandoned (whether i really was abandoned or not wasn't really the issue).
take angie. anyone who cares enough to read this far in the entry probably knows what happened between angie & i this fall, what happened when i went away to school and she stayed in the city. i guess it was expected, especially given our history of annual autumn knock-down drag-out blowout arguments (uhh...most of which were my fault entirely). in october i had kind of written angie off as a friend because i thought we had just gotten really old and jaded and just...different.
but goddamn. GODDAMN do i love angie. i think she is amazing and she is so important to me. there was some sort of turning point when i realized that i couldn't not be friends with angie, you know? so much of my life, my history, is wrapped up in her. even though she doesn't recognize the "COMEDIC GOLD" that is pokey the penguin, she is still one of the funniest people EVER and, i don't know. i'm being kind of sappy but i am pretty proud of myself for recognizing her value not just to ME, but to other people and in general as a human. angela leigh is good, period.
dasies636: egg nog!
ps i love jlo: HAHA
dasies636: malloween nog!
dasies636: a tidle wave of marshelade!
dasies636: did you work today?!?
ps i love jlo: haha YES
dasies636: I WENT THERE LOOKING FOR YOU
dasies636: it was like a mecca
ps i love jlo: WHAT
ps i love jlo: WHEN
dasies636: 'THE BRADDY! WHERE IS THE BRADDY!'
ps i love jlo: HAHAHHA
dasies636: 4 o'clock
ps i love jlo: whoa i was in the back
dasies636: I CALLED YOU TWICE
dasies636: and coughed by the back door
dasies636: twice.
dasies636: I just thought of something
dasies636: alpha
dasies636: beta
dasies636: alphabetical
dasies636: alpha
dasies636: beta
dasies636: alphabetical
so, um. angie not hating me is pretty much proof that even when i am a monumental stupid jerk, people can still stand to be around me. this has happened a lot, unfortunately, and gives me some sort of hope.
now excuse me while i write an apologetic email because i am a stupid jerk.
ps. the word "trickery" makes me giggle like nobody's business.